23. Logan
Logan
Holy shit.
Chase Matthews can kiss.
I swear I was going to indulge just enough to take the edge off and maybe try to send him into a bit of a panic so he stops unintentionally torturing me.
Just because Chase is straight and we have no future together doesn’t mean I wouldn’t fuck him.
The more time I spend around him, the more certain my dick thinks we’d like that very much.
Somehow, Chase is able to force Stone to the back of my mind. He’s the only person I’ve met since knowing Stone who can boast that achievement.
Which, I’ve come to realize, is a big part of the reason I get so fucking horny around Chase. He creates enough margin for me to feel again.
When I part my lips, I expect him to retreat. Instead, he feeds me his tongue, taking over the kiss in a way I wasn’t expecting. Chase’s hand comes up to grip my jaw, holding it firmly in place as he demands that I match him lick for lick.
Some part of my brain is telling me I shouldn’t give in this easily.
Or at all.
But that part is buried beneath the lust coursing through my veins. Chase has unleashed a beast in me that’s been dormant for a while, and now the bastard wants to stretch its legs, eat its fill, and taste, and taste, and taste.
Round and round we go; our panting breaths being inhaled by the other.
Our tongues dancing in a ritual, like we’re about to be sent to war, and this is the last time we’ll ever kiss or be kissed.
Chase’s hand slides from my jaw to my throat while my hand grips his thigh.
Part of me is asking for permission to move higher; part of me just needs to hold on to something so I don’t float away.
It’s only when we hear the creaking hinges of the door opening behind us that we jump apart.
“There you are!” Sarah says, severing my last nerve as she moves to stand behind Chase. “It’s after midnight. You missed the countdown.”
“I didn’t miss it,” Chase answers with a shake of his head before craning his neck to look up at her. “Is everyone heading out?” he asks before she can question what we’re doing out here.
“Yeah. We’ve all tried to help clean up, but Dr. Porter insisted the hired server would take care of it.”
“We’ll be right in,” Chase says, clearly dismissing Sarah, but she doesn’t take the hint.
“Aren’t you guys freezing?” she asks.
Oddly, I totally forgot that it’s January first in Boston since I’m currently sweating through my clothes.
“Not really,” Chase says. “Could you give us a second to finish our conversation?” he asks politely. “And then we’ll be in.”
“Oh, sure, yeah,” Sarah stammers, backing up toward the door. “But happy New Year.”
“You too,” Chase answers while I stay silent, wondering what the hell I’m supposed to say once she goes inside.
As soon as the front door clicks shut, I drop my face into my hands.
“Jesus Christ, Chase. I’m so sorry.”
“Relax,” he says with a hint of a bite to his words, making it impossible to do as he says. “You didn’t do anything I didn’t want you to.” He pauses, then adds, “That’s totally fucked up though, right?”
The door opens again, and Jackson appears this time.
It’s clear the rest of this conversation isn’t going to happen out here, so we go inside to say our goodbyes and grab our coats.
By the time we get back in my truck to head home, my head is a raging mess.
The ride home is the perfect time to talk. No one to overhear us. We have total privacy. It’s even dark outside, which gives the illusion of being hidden.
But no words are spoken.
We should’ve talked that night.
I never should have allowed Chase to go to bed without hashing out our shit first, or at least apologizing to him again, or making myself vulnerable and telling him why I gave in.
But I didn’t, and now, two weeks have gone by, and we’ve barely spoken a word to each other.
Part of that is due to the fact that I’m working nights, so I’m asleep for the majority of the day. I know Chase is still at the hospital when I get there, but we don’t cross paths, and he doesn’t seek me out.
I want to text, but I’m not even sure what to say at this point.
I’ve been all over the place about it.
Pissed because he was full of flirtatious innuendos and requests that ended with him pressed against my body.
Sad because I miss his easy laughter and I hate the tension in the condo.
Confused because despite everything, I still find myself taking comfort in the scent of his laundry and in making him a plate of leftovers so there’s something for him to eat when he gets home from a long shift.
We’re trapped somewhere between friends, roommates, and strangers, and I fucking hate it here.
It’s five p.m., and I’m on the couch wolfing down a bite to eat, researching the Coast Guard Auxiliary Chase mentioned to me several weeks ago, before I have to head to the hospital, when the front door swings open and Chase walks in.
“Oh, hey. I didn’t expect you to be home this early,” I tell Chase in as bright a tone as I can muster.
“Yeah, I didn’t expect to get home this early,” he replies, dropping his bag on the tiny barstool like usual. With his back to me, he rifles through the mail. “Is there any chance you’re free on Sunday and could help me move the last of my stuff out of Jackson’s apartment?” he asks.
“Chase, you’ve been living here long enough to know I never have plans outside of work,” I tease. He gives me an awkward smile, and I finally just ask the question I’m dying to know the answer to. “Are you even sure you still want to do this?”
“Do what?” he asks. The way his eyes shift back to the empty kitchen tells me he knows what I mean, but I humor him anyway.
“Move in together.”
He lifts one shoulder in a shrug.
“Yeah, of course. Why?”
“Why? Maybe because you haven’t looked me in the eye once since New Year’s. I don’t want to walk on eggshells in my own house because you’re afraid I’m going to get the wrong idea and maul you again.”
“Wait, what?! Logan, that’s not what I think. Nor is that what happened, and you know it.”
“I mean, I thought I knew that, but you won’t talk to me. You haven’t asked to cuddle on the couch since then, and you tiptoe past my room like you wish you were invisible. What am I supposed to think?” I fire.
Chase pulls his bottom lip into his mouth and flops down on the couch next to me. It feels like it’s been forever since I’ve had a chance to really study his face. He looks exhausted, but I silently wonder how I could have ever thought he wasn’t attractive.
Chase sighs.
“I’ve been thinking about what you said that day; how, even though you’re a guy, it still counts as cheating.”
Oh, I think to myself as realization dawns, and Chase keeps talking.
“I’ve just been in my head about it because I enjoyed kissing you, which is weird, and I feel guilty about doing it, but also guilty because I want to do it again.
Kendra and I have continued to grow apart, but I don’t know what to do.
I don’t want to risk a seven-year relationship for the sake of trying something new.
And that makes me feel like shit too, because you aren’t a pair of fucking shoes I can just try on,” Chase says, growing more frustrated by the second.
“Ugh, I’m fucking this up. I guess I just thought some distance would help me process things, and I really have been busy, so it’s sort of been me avoiding you, but also just the pace of my life right now. ”
Could we back the train up a station or two? Did Chase just say he wants to kiss me again?
What the hell am I supposed to do with that information?
Before I can figure out what to say, Chase finally looks at me and says, “Yes, I still want to be roommates if you’re cool with it. Jackson’s already planning on having the space for his family, and I just don’t have the time to find something else.”
“You’re welcome to stay here as long as you want,” I reassure him.
“Okay, cool.” He stands and offers me a fist-bump of all things—the straightest bro-move to have ever been invented.
“I’m going to grab a shower and work on some documentation and a presentation on liver dysfunction that I have to give at conference tomorrow.
I probably won’t see you before you go into work, but I hope it’s a good shift. ”
I huff a laugh.
“Chase, I don’t have to be there until seven. It’s only five-fifteen,” I tell him.
“Yeah, I’m just going to work in my room. Catch you later.”
Then he’s gone.