Chapter 3
Atlas
I stand outside the door to Gray’s condo, just like I did three weeks ago when I came to visit. Back then, Maddie had opened it and led me to the bedroom where Gray was waiting. He’d been frail but alive. Breathing. Smiling at me through the pain.
Now, he’s gone.
The call came earlier today, no more than half an hour after the team plane landed in Boston. We’re in the middle of a week-long road trip, which started off with that amazing win last night against the Phantoms.
I saw her number on my screen, and I just knew. I was sitting next to Lucky on the bus from the airport to the team hotel, and I’d muttered under my breath, “Fuck.”
Lucky looked at me with concern but remained silent as I answered. It was the worst fucking call of my life. Maddie’s voice breaking when she told me he’d passed, and even though we’d known it was coming, it hit like a cross-check to the ribs.
The last few hours have been a blur. Not long after the bus reached the team hotel, I called an Uber to take me back to the airport so I could fly to Chicago.
Our GM, Callum Derringer, knew about Gray and knew I’d be getting this call.
Hard choices will have to be made given that we are in the last week of regular season play and the first round of the playoffs start next week.
But Callum didn’t hesitate when I asked to go to Chicago, and part of that is because we’ve clinched the top seed, so I’m not overly crucial to the games we have left.
He told me to take the time I needed and to not worry about these last two matchups.
Technically, I don’t have to be back to Pittsburgh for five days, but no amount of cleared schedule makes this any easier.
I knock softly on the door. After a few moments, it opens and Maddie is there.
She has Grayce perched on her hip and I’m shocked by the relief that flickers through me to find her holding the baby.
That means I don’t have to attempt an impossibly awkward hug because warm and fuzzy has never been our thing.
I don’t know if we’ve ever touched outside of a quick handshake when we first met years ago.
But what stops me cold is the look on her face. Misery—raw and unfiltered. It matches my own pain, buried somewhere behind the armor I wear on and off the ice.
She steps back, wordless, a silent invitation, and I follow her into the living room. She lowers herself onto the couch with Grayce, who babbles happily and grabs at Maddie’s hair.
The innocence in it fucking stings. She has no idea her whole world has shifted. She has no idea what she’s lost.
Maddie stares at Grayce, holding her tiny hands and making silly noises at her. She completely ignores me.
“You okay?” I finally ask, the words heavy and inadequate.
Her head shakes. “No,” she whispers, eyes on the baby, which is shocking that she’d admit such a vulnerability. Maddie is all walled off behind layers of emotion-suppressing concrete. Then, after a beat, she glances up at me. “How about you?”
“I feel like nothing will ever be the same,” I admit. My own honesty surprises me, but what’s the point in lying? And truthfully, I probably won’t ever see this woman again after this visit.
Silence stretches between us, thick and awkward, broken only by Grayce’s baby chatter.
Finally, I find the courage to ask, “How… did it…” The words stick in my throat.
“How did it happen?” she asks bluntly, blue eyes flashing with ire briefly before turning back to Grayce, who grabs one of Maddie’s hoop earrings.
She gently untangles the baby’s little fingers and I think she might ignore the question, but her soft voice drifts across the space between us.
“I don’t know how it happened. I went in to give him medicine, and he was so still.
I just knew he was gone. He looked so peaceful and I should have been grateful for that, but I wasn’t. I was angry that he was taken from me.”
And me, I think, but I know that’s not what Maddie wants or needs to hear. “What’s going to happen with the funeral?”
“There won’t be one,” Maddie says, her tone flat. “Gray didn’t want one. Said there was no one important enough to justify the expense or the effort. Maybe a few coworkers, but”—her eyes come to mine—“the only ones who mattered to him were me, you and Grayce.”
That decision doesn’t shock me. Gray had no family left, not really.
Just the three people sitting in this room, and while he had a handful of casual friends and coworkers he liked well enough, the truth was, after he became a dad, those relationships sort of languished as he focused all his energy on his daughter.
“He left a letter.” Maddie stands Grayce up with her little feet propped on her thighs. “Said he wanted both of us to read it together after he was gone.”
That feels ominous. “A letter?”
“Yeah… it’s this piece of paper where people write their thoughts down and then we—”
“I know what a letter is,” I grumble.
“Good,” she says and pushes up off the couch. She walks my way and hands the baby to me. “Hold her while I get it.”
I freeze. “What?”
“Hold Grayce,” she says. “It’s in his safe and I need both hands.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I stammer, my palms outward as if to ward her off. Grayce merely gurgles and kicks her feet in her one-piece pajama outfit with panda bears on it.
“For fuck’s sake, Atlas,” Maddie snaps and actually shoves the kid into my arms. “She won’t bite. I mean, you’ve held her before.”
“Once,” I retort as I involuntarily clutch Grayce, “and that was right after she was born when she didn’t move around so much.”
“You’ll be fine,” Maddie drawls and turns on her heel to walk away.
My hands feel like clubs, clumsy and uncertain.
I don’t have any experience with babies and the one time I held Grayce not long after she was born was so damn awkward, I swore I’d never do it again.
Gray never pushed it on any of my visits, and I certainly didn’t ask.
We were both content to let me peer down at her and sometimes let her clutch one of my fingers.
Grayce looks up at me with wide eyes, drool glistening on her chin. My stomach knots. What if she cries? Or God forbid, throws up? I hold her away from me, her brown eyes that look just like Gray’s staring at me inquisitively. I stare right back, willing Maddie to hurry the hell up.
I crane my neck, looking down the hall. What’s taking her so long?
Panic claws at my gut. I shift my arms, terrified I’ll drop her, but Grayce just warbles happily.
She reaches her pudgy little fingers to clutch at the laces on my hoodie, her face scrunched up in concentration.
Then her gaze comes to me and she looks at me so solemnly, I think she might be trying to communicate.
Grayce blows a bubble and says something that I think might be “Da.”
Is she saying dad? Does she know Gray is gone? Does she even know he was sick? I have no clue what part Grayce played in her father’s last days. I want to ask Maddie all these questions, but I’m not sure she’d be keen to answer them, especially since I’m averse to even holding the kid.
After a few moments, my shoulders relax because Grayce doesn’t do anything too shifty. She’s a lot heavier than the last time I held her, which has me adjusting her to rest on my forearm. Warmer too. A living piece of Gray and weirdly, that eases the pain a little.
“Who’s a sweet baby?” I murmur, more to myself. “Who fell out of the sweet tree and hit every branch on the way down?”
She babbles and grins, and… it makes me smile.
I think of Gray—how he stepped up to fatherhood.
A one-night stand resulted in a pregnancy, and while he and Grayce’s mother never did make a go at a relationship, he was involved every step of the way.
They agreed on shared custody and child support, and Gray was so excited to become a dad.
But then Grayce’s mom died giving birth and his world was turned upside down.
The man never complained, never made excuses.
He just became a dad and was fucking excellent at it.
Better than I ever could have been, and I made sure to let him know I was proud of him.
“I’ll make sure you know how great your pop was,” I whisper, brushing a fingertip over her tiny hand. “He was the absolute best.”
Maddie reappears, holding a single envelope. She pauses in the doorway, smirking faintly at my stiff posture. “Want to trade? Letter for the baby?”
“Please,” I mutter, more desperate than I’d like to admit.
She takes Grayce from me, and I accept the envelope, its weight suddenly far heavier than the baby. “Do you know what it says?” I ask as I sit down on one of the chairs.
Maddie shakes her head as she perches on the edge of the couch. “I only know he wanted you and me to be together when we read it, and he wanted us to read it as soon as possible.”
“Probably to tell us to be nice to each other,” I grumble.
“Which wouldn’t be necessary if you weren’t such a jerk most of the time,” she retorts, and I don’t know if she’s joking. “Go ahead and read it.”
I slide a finger under the flap to break the seal, unfold the paper inside, and see that it’s a letter written in Gray’s penmanship. I clear my throat.
Dear Atlas and Maddie,
If you’re reading this, I’m no longer with you, and I imagine both of you are staring morosely at each other, not sure what to do.
I won’t waste time telling you I’m in a better place, because I have no clue what happens after you die.
The only thing I can speak to with any surety is my unwavering faith in the two of you to continue without me.
I want you to know in the end, I wasn’t scared.
My throat clogs, an unrealized fear taking hold. To know he wasn’t scared is a balm, but I experience a rush of fear over my own mortality. I’ve never given it much thought until this very moment. I shake off the doom and continue.
You are both my best friends. A man could not have been luckier than to have you both in my corner, through all the good times and in the end, the bad.
Atlas… you’ve been my wingman since we were five. You weren’t just a friend, you were my brother. And Maddie… you were the sister I never had, and my only sadness is that I wish I’d known you longer.
Maddie, I know you’ve already agreed to take Grayce—
My head jerks up and I look at Maddie. I had no idea that was going to happen, but then again, I never asked those questions. It makes sense though. Gray has no family and Grayce’s mother’s family hasn’t shown much interest in the baby.
Maddie stares back at me resolutely, then nods down to the letter in my hands, so I continue reading out loud.
I don’t need to say how much that means to me, knowing that Grayce will grow up under your loving touch. You’re going to make the most amazing mother, and I hope Grayce turns out to be just like you.
But you can’t do it alone. No offense, but Grayce needs more than one person trying to fill in for me. She needs every ounce of love and support she can get. Which is where you come in, Atlas.
My stomach pitches and I glance over at Maddie to see her eyes nearly bugged out of her head. She had no clue.
Every instinct in me says to shove the letter back in the envelope and ignore it, but I also know there’s no way I could look at myself in the mirror if I did.
I need you to help Maddie raise my daughter. Not just as an uncle or a stand-in, but as her dad. I want you to be her dad. She needs your steady hand, your stubborn will, your heart. Everything about the man you are—that’s what I want for her. I can’t give it to her anymore, but you can.
You’re not my brother by blood but through all of our life experience together. I trust you implicitly, and I know you’ll show up, even when it’s hard. It’s why I waited until after I was gone to ask this of you, so you couldn’t argue with me about it. Now, I know you won’t say no.
All the legal stuff is handled. The papers are in my safe deposit box. Everything is set for guardianship and eventually adoption. I wanted to make it simple for you, because life is about to get complicated enough.
Take care of her. Take care of each other. Don’t let me down.
Gray
P.S. Be nice to each other.
I lower the letter, my throat tight. Maddie’s eyes glisten, fixed on Grayce.
“Did you know about this?” I rasp, my mouth so dry, it’s difficult to talk.
Maddie shakes her head, those eyes coming to me. I still see the grief there, but I can also see a tinge of anger. She doesn’t like this any more than I do. “I don’t need your help,” she says. “Despite what Gray seems to think.”
Strong words from a seemingly strong woman.
Yet I don’t know her, and I don’t necessarily trust her.
Gray obviously discussed plans with Maddie, including that she’d become Grayce’s mom.
But he didn’t discuss with me this insane idea that I need to be involved.
Perhaps it’s a money thing? He knows I’ve got the means to give his daughter anything she could ever want.
But it’s got to be more than that. If it was just about money, he would have asked for money.
No, Gray seemed to think that I was necessary for his daughter’s ultimate well-being and I have to respect that.
Now the question is, do I honor his wishes? Do I upend my entire existence to take on the role of fatherhood, which I haven’t planned for? Sure, someday I’ll get married and have kids, but I’m not ready for that yet.
I set the letter to the side and sink back into the cushions. Christ, how did things get so complicated? The full weight of what I’ve lost, and what I’ve been asked to carry, crashes down on me.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do.” I feel compelled to put that out there. I can’t commit to this without some serious thought and soul examination.
“I don’t need your—”
“I get it,” I cut in over her. “You’re independent, strong, confident. All the makings of a great mom. But no offense, I trust Gray, not you, and he wants me involved.”
Her eyes harden on me, a look that puts me on edge, and yet she gently cuddles Grayce to her. “Well, no offense, but I don’t trust you either.”
“But you did trust Gray, right?”
She glares at me, silent.
I stand up from the couch. “I need some space. I’ll be back.”
Maddie doesn’t reply but also rises, tucking Grayce against her hip. She nuzzles her head and asks, “Are you hungry? I’m thinking I see some applesauce in your future.”
I’m thinking I see a whole lot of trouble in my future. I need objective advice, and I need it now.