Chapter eighteen
ELIAS
| PREVIOUS EVENING |
The best time to think of her is at night. Undisturbed. In solitude. All I had been doing for the past few days was overthinking, really. It wasn't a usual problem for me, but somehow I just can't drop my thoughts and stay focused for the life of me.
A distressed hand runs through my hair once I get rid of my tie. I roll my sleeves up to my elbows and briefly glance down at my wrist watch before staring out the window. It's a calm night, the moon nowhere in sight yet the sky is littered with stars.
I've been at the company all day again, sitting through boring meetings with my father and pretending that I care about the things going on. I feel exhausted to the point where all I want to do is go to bed, but unfortunately, my mind is too occupied to let me sleep.
Shaking my head, I try to forget about it, turning to get back to my desk in my new study. I didn't play football in days now, and I'm starting to get agitated by staying away for so long. By not moving my body. It's making me lose my sanity.
I really don't see myself behind an office desk my entire life. I see myself on the stadium, with people on the stands, and with a team by my side. Right now, it feels more like a distant dream.
I let out a big sigh and sit down on the recliner.
I fucking miss the smell of grass in the morning, and the adrenaline it brings to play, but now that the Zhang's bought this house as a wedding gift for me and Ruby, I guess the big backyard will become of use.
Opening the desk drawer, I rummage through the folders, looking for a specific photo. It doesn't take me long to find it, and I stare at it for a long moment.
Sierra's face is on the front, eyes closed and her lips slightly parted. She's asleep, her head resting on my shoulder and her body cuddled up by my side as I keep my arm around her. This was taken on that morning when I saw her in bed last.
Another breath leaves me as I reminisce on her soft lips, wanting to have her by my side again, but I know it's impossible.
She hasn't said much to me ever since we stopped hanging out so often. Not when we all met up at the coffee shop last time, and barely at the wedding. Truthfully, it's eating me alive. The not-knowing. The ignorance. Her eyes avoiding mine. It's the worst kind of pain.
I know that she's trying to keep her distance, and that this entire thing was as chaotic for her as it was for me.
I told myself that I should stay away, and keep us both from any more complications, but what happens once those six months are over?
I can't just go back to her like nothing happened.
She won't wait for me, and I got proof of that the second she kissed someone else the other night at the bar.
I thought I'd be okay with letting her go and pretending like nothing happened between us, but I can't. Not to even mention that I nearly lost it when I saw her kissing that guy—whoever the fuck he was.
She was smiling. But not at me. At him.
I tried to ignore the heat crawling up my neck as soon as I saw because it's stupid to feel this way. I know that. But it doesn't feel right seeing her with another guy, and to think of it, I doubt it ever will.
She was right about telling me that all we had was just a simple hook up. Just a few moments behind closed doors that we don't talk about. Without any promises or future.
Still, the sight of her lips on someone else felt like betrayal.
And yet, what right do I have? I'm the one who got married, even if it was for reasons bigger than me. But this jealousy lingers. Maybe it's valid, but it's also useless.
Despite everything, this distance is killing me. Usually we would have texted back and forth on the daily, and now I constantly feel like something is missing. I keep checking my phone unconsciously, but with that gone now too, I feel drained.
Fumbling, I grab a pack of cigarettes—a shocker, even for me—but it's the only thing that keeps me coping with everything.
From all this pressure and expectations, I somehow have a feeling that I'm overreacting.
That I should just endure all this and quit complaining, but the other side of me is fucking devastated.
I needed to find an escape, even if it's just temporary, so this became it.
I step outside through the sliding doors of the study, and light up the cigarette, overlooking the city lights in the distance. It's quiet for some time, before I hear a balcony door opening somewhere above me. Then the sound of footsteps. Ruby looks down with her hands on the railing.
"Seriously? Again?" her voice rings out, and I don't even turn my head up. I can barely look at her from the constant reminder that's she's my wife now.
I don't bother replying, because as I've come to find out in these past few weeks, Ruby gives off a vibe that she's trying too hard to be perfect and okay with all this. Her content just doesn't resonate with me.
"Elias." She calls again.
"What?" I murmur, inhaling the smoke.
"Stop smoking out here. I have my window open."
"Then close it." I shrug, receiving a long pause. I can already imagine the scowl on her face. She's not an easy person to deal with, as I've come to figure out.
"When are you going to invite your friends over? I haven't had the chance to meet them at the wedding," she says.
She's been trying to get me to have them around, but for some reason, I have no intention of bringing them anywhere close to here.
Partly it's because I don't want them to see how miserable I've been.
"I told you they're busy."
"Not that busy, I hope," she replies, but I don't answer. And when I don't, she continues, "Look, I know you don't like this as much as I don't. But please, at least try. If not for me, then for yourself."
And with that, she leaves. I realize full well that I'm trying to point fingers here and keep putting the blame and the anger towards her. We're both in the same shitty situation, but for some reason she's taking all of this a lot better than me.
Still, I hold some resentment.
And maybe it's just the fact that she's not Sierra.
??????
The next morning, I'm awake early. Again.
I go to the backyard at the break of dawn, wearing shorts and a hoodie, bringing my football along. I get immersed for an hour or two with dribbling and shooting the ball into the goal over and over before I go back inside, take a shower, then come back down just on cue for the doorbell to ring.
I'm not sure if Ruby is up yet, since we sleep in separate bedrooms, so I go and open the front door.
My heart begins to race, scanning the two women standing there. One of them is in her forties, with a blonde bob, and the other is Sierra.
Her face pales as soon as her eyes land on me, and for a second, I stop functioning.
"Good morning." The woman next to her smiles, offering me a hand which I take with slight reluctance, trying to snap myself out of this surprise. "Viviann Hart. I've talked to Ruby Anderson over the phone to come check the house. This is the place, yes?"
"Yeah, that's right," I say and clear my throat, immediately gutted when I see Sierra avoiding my eyes.
I let them both in, seeing Ruby coming down with a delighted expression, shaking both their hands. I stand there too, but my eyes keep jumping back to Sierra.
Her hair is straightened and a little shorter that I'm used to.
It always came down past her elbows and now it comes a little below her shoulders.
She has a pair of black dress pants on and a white t-shirt tucked in.
A small golden bracelet is the only jewellry on her, and she looks just as beautiful as always.
The only thing bothering me is that she barely looks my way, and it hurts when she's so close and I can't fucking touch her.
The last thing I expected today was to see her, and judging by the fact that she's never been here in this house either, she didn't expect to see me either.
I knew that she had her internship at a design company, but I didn't realize it was this one. Much less that she would assist the woman in charge for the renovations.
There's tension throughout the walkthrough. Ruby takes them both around and I trail behind like I'm lost, but I see this as an opportunity to do something about it. I need to talk to her. I fucking have to before I lose my shit and kiss her in front of everbody.
Meeting her like this rekindled something primal in me, and there's no way I'll let her walk out of here without saying something first.
??