11. Chapter 11
Chapter eleven
C arson’s boots thumped against the concrete as they weaved between the patio seating filled with guests digging into trays of wings and fries and gourmet sub sandwiches.
“Do they know I’m coming?” Jax asked.
“No. I haven’t mentioned you to Raegan yet.”
When Jax pulled the door open, the waft of deli meats and fresh-baked bread greeted Carson’s nose: salami, rosemary, olive oil, provolone. It made her stomach rumble.
The Sandwich Shack hummed with bustling patrons and loud voices. At first glance, it appeared all the tables were full. The line to the counter snaked between the tables, making Carson wonder if they would be able to order and eat before closing.
Then she spotted Raegan sitting amongst the crowd. Her gilded hair glowed under one of the ceiling lights, as if it had been strategically placed as a spotlight just for her. Raegan waved when she spotted Carson; then her eyes, already the size of saucers, grew into dinner plates at the sight of Jax. When he slipped his hand down into Carson’s, Raegan’s jaw popped open, and Carson could’ve sworn she heard the gasp from across the restaurant.
Heat flooded Carson’s body. This felt like bringing home a boy to meet the parents for the very first time. At least, that’s what she imagined; her mother never cared about the boys she dated, and she hadn’t had a father to bring a boy home to.
Raegan’s shell-shocked face didn’t change even after they had taken their seats.
“Where’s Hunter?” Carson asked, trying to ignore the awkwardness swirling inside her.
Reluctantly, Raegan peeled her eyes off Jax. “Bathroom.” It took a couple shakes to wipe the shock off her face. Her lips still twitched, and the wheels in her head appeared to be turning faster than normal. “Are you two—?”
Raegan’s eyes bouncing between the two of them reminded Carson of a ping-pong ball being smacked between two players. It made her want to crawl under the table and hide. All of the emotions and uncertainties from before came rushing back, threatening to drag her down again. She didn’t remember it being this uncomfortable when she had introduced Luke to Hunter and Raegan.
Apparently, Raegan didn’t need confirmation. “Wow,” she breathed. “Why didn’t I think of that?”
“Is that Jax?” Hunter had come up from behind, slapping Jax on the shoulder, and took a seat. “Did you hear about this place too?”
“Hunter,” Raegan murmured, patting his freckled arm.
“Huh?”
“He came with Carson.” Raegan said it so delicately as if speaking too loudly would shatter the words into pieces. Still Hunter’s mouth hung open and one of his eyes continued to squint. “They came together as a couple .”
Now Hunter’s eyes played ping-pong. “Wait. You two? Hell yeah,” he said a little too boisterously for Carson’s liking. He fist-bumped Jax, who happily complied. “Why didn’t I think of that?”
“That’s what I said!” Raegan affirmed.
“If you two are done, I think we should order before they run out of ingredients,” Carson suggested.
“Oh, good idea,” Raegan said, turning to Hunter. “I’ll have the Italian chicken salad. No—”
“No croutons. I know.” Hunter stood from his chair.
“What would you like, Mr. Hoover?” Jax asked.
Carson peered past him to read the menu, a huge yellow rectangle hanging just behind the order counter. Except the script was so tiny, she couldn’t read the words from where she was sitting. “I’ll have the same thing as Raegan.”
The second the men were out of earshot, Raegan whirled on her. “Um, why didn’t you tell me about you and Jax?”
A sliver of guilt wedged its way under Carson’s skin, like a splinter. “I don’t know. It kind of just happened,” she said, shrugging one shoulder.
“You go riding dirt bikes one day, then poof , you’re together? I’m missing something.” The bangles on Raegan’s wrist clanked together as she wiped a stray hair from her face.
“That’s basically it.” Carson peeked up at Jax, who was chatting with Hunter in the line. “We stopped to take a break from riding, and Jax fell into the river.”
“He fell into the river?”
“Well, we both were in the river.”
“You both fell into the river?”
“Can I finish?”
Grinning widely, Raegan gripped an invisible zipper between her thumb and forefinger and pulled it across her mouth. Carson leaned in closer .
“He tried to kiss me when we were drying off,” she said. Raegan’s cheek muscles spasmed as if she were about to burst, but she kept silent. “I pulled away before he could then later in his truck I—I kissed him.”
“You kissed him?” Raegan’s hand smacked the table so hard the conversations around them stopped. “Wait, wait, wait. You kissed him.”
Mortified, Carson’s face fell into her hands. “I have no idea what got into me.”
“It’s that chiseled body that got into you, that’s what.” Then Raegan slapped her hand on her mouth. “ Did that chiseled body get into you?”
“Of course not,” Carson snipped, dropping her hands. “But I shouldn’t be kissing and dating and . . . and . . . I mean it’s only been five years since Luke passed away.”
Flustered, Carson’s leg bounce was on overtime. Both cheeks were raw, probably bleeding inside. And she could no longer feel her fingertips. If only she had something sharp in her pocket. She could go into the bathroom for a quick fix.
Somewhere she’d read that people who cut carried a “toolkit” with them. Carson had thought about creating her own for moments like this, but that would have meant she accepted herself as a cutter. And she refused to do that.
A soft hand delicately touched her arm, bringing her back to the table. Back to the restaurant with the clinking of ice in cups, the munching of crisp vegetables, “Order up!” being shouted every few moments.
“It has been five years,” Raegan said quietly. “Just because you start to have feelings for someone else doesn’t diminish your love for Luke. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing.”
Raegan’s words enveloped Carson and began to soothe her aching heart. Why hadn’t she come to Raegan sooner? Her best friend always listened to her and knew what to say. Sometimes her advice was unsolicited, but it was welcome, nonetheless. Carson could have saved herself a lot of inner turmoil by talking about her feelings for Jax with Raegan in the first place. For a split second, she pondered telling Raegan about her self-harm. That idea was squashed like a bug.
“Shouldn’t this take time?” Carson asked.
“Not always. Give Jax a chance. He’s an incredible person. You can always take it slow.”
Carson played with a thread at the end of her sleeve, rolling the cotton between her fingers. Small steps.
“Do you want it to be serious?”
“I think it’s too soon to know exactly what I want,” Carson breathed. Again, the uncertainties swirled in her brain. With Jax. Without Jax. Cut. Don’t cut. Live. Or don’t.
“I know what I want.” Raegan smiled infectiously. “I want my best friend to be happy.”
“Thank you,” Carson said, feeling Raegan’s love. Then she snuck another glance at the guys, who were now waiting off to the side for the food. “There’s something else I have to tell you.”
At the tone of Carson’s voice, Raegan leaned closer, as if to shield what she was about to say from the rest of the world.
“Jax responded to my accident.”
Now it was Raegan who peered at Hunter and Jax. “How do you know?”
“I remembered. I guess he knew all along. Well, since the auction.”
“Why didn’t he say anything?”
“He said it’s because I didn’t say anything. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t recognize him until a couple of days ago,” Carson explained .
“Oh, honey.” Raegan’s eyebrows bent with concern, and her eyes grew glossier. “How are you feeling?”
Carson started to fidget with her sleeve again, and her leg continued to shake. “I mean, it’s a bit uncomfortable. It did bring back some memories.”
“You’re digesting a lot right now, aren’t you?”
“You can say that again,” Carson mumbled.
“Tell me what you need, and I’ll do it. And Carson . . .” Raegan pulled on Carson’s hand to get her attention once more, just as Hunter and Jax returned with their meals. “I hope you find peace in all of this. You deserve it.”