17. Chapter 17
Chapter seventeen
C arson’s son tugged on her hand, pulling her closer to the park. Mirroring his excitement, she picked up her pace. All week he had been begging her to go. The sandy curls on his head sprung as he skipped in front of her and Luke, giggling with anticipation.
The playground was just across the street, its swings and slide urging them forward. Unable to wait any longer, her son dashed toward the equipment.
“Wait!” Carson called out to him. “Look out for traffic.”
Then she turned to Luke to roll her eyes, but Luke wasn’t looking at her or their son. His eyes had glazed over, dark clouds reflecting off his pupils.
“Mommy?”
Carson turned. Her son was standing in the middle of the road. When she tried to yell, her voice caught in her throat. She couldn’t speak. Looking back at Luke for help, he had disappeared. Whipping her head around, she found both of them staring at her from the road.
Then it was there. The cherry-red semi-truck. It barreled down the street toward Luke and their son. Carson tried to cry out, but her warnings never made it out of her mouth, her lips having been glued shut. Her feet were fused to the asphalt. Tugging. Tugging. Tugging. Her legs wouldn’t move.
The truck approached at full speed, its horn blaring, getting louder and louder until it was right behind them, inches from their bodies—
Gasping for breath, Carson bolted upright from her bed, disturbing her dark, silent room.
I can’t breathe . I can’t breathe .
She stumbled out of her bedroom and into her bathroom, tripped over to the window, and wrenched it open. The fall air stung her face.
I still can’t breathe .
She slammed her fists against the screen until it crumpled out of the frame. Only when Carson stuck her head into the dark night did she finally suck in a cold breath. Hanging out the window, she let the breeze cool the hot blood pumping throughout her body until she could finally collapse to the tile floor.
Pain pierced her chest as her heart shredded inside. Anguish swirled around her, its cold hands caressing her body. Willing the awful nightmare of her husband and son to vanish, Carson squeezed her eyes so hard that white spots appeared.
Make it stop . Make it stop .
Ripping open a drawer, she rummaged for anything sharp enough, flinging the contents onto the floor. Nothing. She moved to the next drawer and the next and the next. The blade was comforting in her hand once she found it. She pressed it to her skin several times, anticipating the soothing pain of the puncture.
Shivering and encircled in the mess she had created searching for the razor blade, Carson lay curled in the middle of the bathroom floor. Somewhere a door slammed shut followed by hurried footsteps down the hall.
“Carson?”
That voice sounded familiar. It was warm to her ears.
“Carson,” the voice repeated, sounding just like Jax. How was he here?
Then he must have spotted the disassembled shaving razors next to her, because she heard him kick something from out of her reach and kneel down beside her. A hand touched her arm.
“You’re freezing.”
Too weak from the battle raging inside her, Carson didn’t respond. She kept her eyes shut, afraid that if she opened them, she would see Luke’s dead face and not Jax.
There was a shuffle. A window slammed loudly. The water knob squeaked as Jax turned on the bath. He scooped her up into his arms and carefully set her in the tub. Pulling her knees to her chest, Carson rested her heavy head on them. The warm water made her feet prickle.
Brushing the hair out of her face, Jax stroked the top of her head. After a moment, she felt him lift her shirt. Then he grabbed an arm, turning it over, and did the same to her other arm. He was searching for new cuts.
“I didn’t do it.” Her voice was muffled between her legs.
“What?”
She cleared her throat though it didn’t do any good. “I didn’t do it.”
Over the rush of the running water, she could hear his sigh of relief. Jax must have been satisfied with how full the tub was, because he turned off the water. They sat in silence while he stroked the top of her hair, calming her, making her feel safe.
“Are you ready to get out?” he asked after a few minutes.
Nodding weakly against her knees, Carson let him help her step out of the tub, her soaking pajamas drenching the floor. Piece by piece he stripped her of her dripping clothes then pulled off his sweatshirt, putting it over her head and threading her arms through the sleeves. There was a whiff of dust on the fabric. The jacket practically swallowed her whole. It was warm from his body, like being in the protection of his embrace.
Then she was in Jax’s arms as he carried her to her bed and lay her in the middle. Carson heard him kick off his shoes to climb in with her. He wasn’t going to let her go as he tucked his arm under her head, letting it rest on his chest.
“Thank you,” Carson managed to croak.
Jax grasped her hand that was resting on his stomach, squeezing harder than normal. “I’m just so glad you called.”
Carson could feel his heartbeat pick up its pace. Confused, she asked, “I called you?”
“You don’t remember?”
She recalled the dream and waking up. Except she thought she had gone straight into the bathroom to open the window because she needed fresh air. Then she’d looked in the drawers for something . . .
A shudder shook her body. “No, I don’t.”
“You did,” Jax said. “I picked up, but you didn’t say anything. When you didn’t answer me calling your name, I rushed over here, hoping I wasn’t too late.” He hugged her tighter to his body, his tone changing into something she hadn’t heard from him before: fear.
“I didn’t do it,” Carson repeated. Then it hit her. She hadn’t done it. Hadn’t used an object to hurt herself. Hadn’t caused herself pain or damaged her body. She’d been very close, even pressing the blade to her skin without puncturing it, but she. Hadn’t. Done. It. For the first time in two years, she hadn’t hurt herself.
Attraction .
What was even more inspiring was that she had come away unscathed by herself . No one had been there to stop her. She’d done it all on her own. This gave her a shred of confidence that she did have what it took to end her self-harm. She wasn’t just doing it for Jax. Somewhere deep within her, she had the strength to stop herself for herself. Even with her lingering nightmares, Carson didn’t have a single scratch on her body.
Dave, her therapist, would be so proud. Raegan, if she knew, would be smiling ear-to-ear.
“I know, baby. I know. I’m so proud of you,” Jax said, kissing the top of her head. Then, after a couple of seconds, he asked, “Do you want to talk about it?”
Carson’s gut reaction was to say no. But she was feeling strong. If she could stop herself from cutting she could talk to Jax.
Teeth grazing the inside of her cheek she started, “I have this dream.”
“The dream about the accident?”
“No, it’s a different one. Luke is there and so is . . . he.” Her voice caught.
“He?”
“The baby I was pregnant with, but he’s not a baby anymore. He’s the age he would be today if he were still alive.” She stared at the ceiling, illuminated by the bathroom light that cascaded into the room. “In the dream, I have this history with them. My baby’s born and Luke and I are parents. Most of the time we’re taking him to the park. The dream always ends with . . .” Squirming, Carson tried to find the additional strength to speak the nightmare out loud. “The semi is there, and I can never reach them fast enough. I’m always too late to save them.” Tears pricked her eyes.
“So you woke up from this dream and went into the bathroom,” Jax stated. “You do know that their deaths weren’t your fault, right?”
Jax was repeating what Dave had explained to her during her second counseling session. Evidently she had been suffering from survivor’s guilt. The guilt that she survived and her baby didn’t. But Carson had been his mother. It had been her job to be his caregiver, his protector, and she’d failed. It had been her responsibility to guard the little human inside her. Instead, she had forsaken her baby.
“I was supposed to protect him,” she murmured.
“You did protect him. But you couldn’t have controlled what happened that day.”
“I know. I can’t help but think about it though.”
“I can understand that.”
As they lay there, Carson began to feel closer to normal. She could feel her toes, her feet, her legs. Hands and arms, one curled underneath her and the other across Jax’s chest. The expansion of her lungs as she breathed. Although it felt as though there was a boulder on her chest.
“What time is it?” Carson asked.
“I’m not sure. You called around two.” Jax dug his hand into his pocket to pull out his phone, shifting Carson’s weight in the process. He squinted against the bright digital light. “It’s three.”
“Thank you for coming all the way out here in the middle of the night. I’m feeling better now. You can go home and get some sleep.”
Tossing his phone on the night stand he rolled on his side to nestle down into the sheets and wrapped his arms around her. “Don’t be ludicrous, Mr. Hoover. I’m staying.”
Instead of objecting, Carson lifted her head and kissed his prickly chin. “Is it alright if I fall asleep now?”
“Sleep. You need it.”
After nuzzling her body into Jax, Carson closed her eyes. With all her energy drained and a smile on her face, she was fast asleep within seconds.