20. Chapter 20
Chapter twenty
A ll day, Jax didn’t text or call, putting Carson on edge.
Trying to make herself feel better, she told herself that he was just busy during his shift and couldn’t be on his phone. Though she knew that wasn’t true. He was angry and hurt. She wouldn’t want to talk to herself either.
Sitting at the conference table surrounded by law books, Carson and Noah were in the trenches of preparing her for her first ever family law case: a child custody dispute. After the consultation with Jax, Carson had expressed to Garrett her interest in family law which, to her surprise, led to him assigning her this case. For the past three hours, she and Noah had been reviewing Arizona’s Rules of Family Law Procedure.
When her phone buzzed with an incoming text, Carson practically threw her pen to snatch it, hoping the message was from Jax.
“Woah. You missing your man?” Noah teased.
“It’s none of your business,” she snapped, frustrated because it was Raegan sending Carson a link to a baby registry.
“I was just asking,” Noah said, lifting his hands defensively.
“I’m sorry. I had a rough night. I’m exhausted, and I guess it’s finally getting to me.” Maybe Carson should have brought in her lavender candle while they worked.
“Is everything fine between you and Jax?” Noah’s tone suggested that he had already brushed off Carson’s attitude with him. For moments like this, she appreciated Noah’s personality. He was never ruffled when it came to other people’s distress, which was a handy quality to have when working at a law firm. When emotions would inevitably run high, Noah would let them roll off his shoulders.
Carson tilted the chair back, dropping her hands into her lap. “I just did something that made him disappointed in me.” The ache in her shoulder burned a little hotter.
“Oh.” Noah sounded surprised that she would offer this intimate detail of her relationship. “Did you guys get into a fight?”
“Yes and no,” she said. “More like I overreacted and said some things I shouldn’t have.” Her words had been so malicious.
“Is he mad at you?” Noah asked, pushing his glasses up with a single finger.
“No, I don’t think so. Frustrated if anything. Hurt, definitely. And he has every right to be.”
Noah was silent for a moment, which was unusual for him. “Whatever it is, beg for his forgiveness,” he suggested. “You guys are endgame.”
“Endgame?” she repeated, cocking her head.
“Youth slang for meant to be together. Look it up.”
“Endgame,” Carson parroted once more, dropping her gaze down to her feet under the table. Her purple-polished toes peeked out of her heels.
Apparently, Noah felt satisfied with her candor, because he didn’t pry anymore. They continued to build their case for another hour, then put away the books on the shelves. Carson was a mixture of excitement and concern. Excited to be given this career opportunity. Concerned because she didn’t want to let her new client, Jacob, and her boss down.
As Carson made her way down the hall, back to her office, Garrett called her name. Taking three steps backward she stood in his office doorway. She eyed the highlighters and sticky notes that had graffitied the law books sprawled on his desk.
Garrett pulled off his reading glasses and laid them on top of his yellow notepad. “I just got off the phone with Mr. and Mrs. Snyder. I guess you made quite the impression with them.”
This surprised her. The Snyders were one of her most difficult clients. Abrupt attitudes. Short tempers. A total disregard for how the legal system worked. Not to mention their constant complaints about their monthly bill.
“Oh, wow,” Carson said, unbunching her eyebrows. “I’m happy to hear that.”
“I know they weren’t the perfect clients, but you were able to work with them and get them to settle.” He picked up his glasses again, but before putting them on, he said, “Keep that up, and I may consider junior partner sooner than I’d originally thought.”
At least I’m doing something right , Carson thought. “Thank you, sir. I’ll do my best.”
“Have a good rest of your day,” he said, slipping his glasses back on and dismissing her.
Garrett’s words buzzed in Carson’s ears as she walked into her office, wanting so badly to absorb and enjoy them and to be proud of herself for her hard work in her career. But the pain in her shoulder stole all her enthusiasm.
All she wanted to do was call Jax and tell him the good news. Show him that she was doing something right. Yet her iniquity continued to eat at her, like a school of piranhas swarming and biting and biting and biting. The things she had said to him horrified her.
Picking up her phone, Carson dialed Jax’s number.
“Am I allowed to stop by the station?” she asked when he answered.
He was silent for a second, maybe considering if he wanted to see her or not. “Yes, but if we get a call I would have to leave.”
Grabbing her computer mouse, she began closing out of programs. “That’s fine. I’ll see you soon, okay?”
“Sure.”
Station 71 sat on the corner of an intersection on the south side of Prescott. Built in the eighties, the muted-crimson brick building was exactly what Carson thought a firehouse would look like as she pulled into the parking lot.
Just as she was about to head to the front entrance, Jax appeared around the corner, causing her heart to thrum in her chest. The air was chilly, but she was sweating. She wished she had something to put her hair up.
“Hi,” she said, stopping a couple feet from him. The afternoon sun’s rays clearly showed the chagrin still evident on his face, even highlighting a few new lines that hadn’t been there before. In any other circumstance, she would be ogling how his uniform hugged his body. His crossed arms distorted the patches on the navy-blue button-up, and his scowl was hard to ignore. She hated that the scowl was her fault.
The moment reminded Carson about the time her fourth-grade teacher broke a porcelain plate on the floor. Then the class tried to glue it all back together. Despite their efforts, the plate still had cracks and missing pieces. Right now, Jax was the plate: cracked with missing pieces.
“How’s your shoulder?” he asked.
“It’s fine,” Carson said, ignoring the pain. Then, unable to hold in her apology any longer, she added, “I’m so sorry for what I said to you last night. It was unfair and uncalled for. You’ve been nothing but patient and supportive, and I really appreciate it.” She bit her cheek, then continued. “And I’m sorry that I broke my promise to you. I want to ask for your forgiveness and try again. Even if I have to handcuff myself to the bed at night, I’m willing to do anything. You can trust me.”
“Can I?”
His response stung, and she asked herself the same question: Could she legitimately promise she would never hurt herself again? Except seeing him now, so despondent, was awful. She never wanted to experience this again.
“You’re right, but I really am trying. That you can trust me on.”
A horn honked, and Jax looked out at the intersection, then back at her. “You called me weak.”
Even though his words felt like a gut punch and she wanted to hunch over from the pain, Carson kept her posture straight, just like the flagpole erected in front of the firehouse. To keep from crying, she bit her tongue. This was her fault. She didn’t deserve to cry.
“I did, and I’m sorry. I feel horrible.”
“If this is going to work between us, you can’t talk to me like that,” he said.
“I know, and I agree.” She unclenched her fists.
Jax let her response hang in the air between them.
“Good,” he finally said. Then his arms fell to his sides, and he let out a sigh, nodding to the area behind him. “Would you like to see inside? ”
Carson followed him behind the building to a set of rolling bay doors. A fire engine was inside, its brilliant red paint the focal point of the garage. On the side was a sizable gold 71 , tagging it to this station. It had been years, back when she was a teenager, since she had been this close to a fire engine. She’d forgotten about the abundance of tools, buttons, latches, and compartments they were equipped with.
Two other firefighters occupied the garage. One she recognized from Hunter’s birthday party months ago. What was his name? Tom? Tim? Yes, Tim. The guy who’d told her about the wire almost beheading a kid. He held a clipboard in his hand, counting equipment on the ground in front of him. The other person she couldn’t see because they were hidden behind one of the engine’s compartment doors.
“Well, hey there,” Tim greeted before slipping the clipboard onto a hook just behind him. “It’s Carson, right? From Hunter’s birthday party.”
“Yes,” she confirmed. “Good to see you again.”
There was a slamming of metal behind them. Turning to look, the man walking up to her made Tim look like a regular person. Instead of a navy T-shirt with matching work pants, he wore a freshly pressed, white button-up with a long black necktie. In order to maintain eye contact, Carson had to tilt her head up. The man was bald but had the thickest handlebar-mustache she had ever seen and a set of matching eyebrows. He was the very definition of a stereotypical firefighter.
“Chief, this is Carson. Carson, this is Battalion Chief Bardot,” Jax introduced them.
When she lifted her hand to shake the chief’s, it swallowed hers whole. “It’s very nice meeting you, Chief.”
“You are as beautiful as Jax described you,” the chief said in a baritone voice that could shake the earth. “If Tim hadn’t met you, we’d believe Jax made you up.” He flashed a toothy smile.
“I’m happy to hear that Jax only says good things about me behind my back,” she said, even though she didn’t deserve it.
“We wouldn’t let him say anything else,” Tim assured her.
“I’m very happy to finally meet Miller’s lady,” the chief said, “but I apologize, as I must get back to something.” With one last smile he headed toward a door that led into the main building.
“Did Jax tell you I’m retiring?” Tim asked.
“No, he didn’t.”
“Yep, next year.” Tim slapped Jax on the shoulder. “Trying to get this guy to replace me as captain.”
“I told them I’d think about it,” Jax said. “Now, Cap’, if you’ll excuse us, I’d like to show her the rest of this place.”
“Nice seeing you again, Captain,” Carson called over her shoulder as Jax pulled her toward the same door the chief disappeared through.
The door led into a hallway with concrete walls littered with papers, pictures, and bulletin boards. Jax identified certain doors as they passed: the battalion chief’s office, a utility closet, the facilities, and a training room. The hallway opened into the front administrative area with a meager fire-memorabilia museum shoved in one corner.
They passed under an archway into what Jax called the dorms: a small room with a mediocre kitchen and television. Two doors on the back wall were labeled Bunks and Showers . Carson half expected it to smell like sweat. Instead, it smelled like a citrus wall plugin.
“Welcome to my home away from home,” Jax said, spreading his arm out toward the room.
Carson nodded appreciatively. “It’s a lot smaller than I imagined.”
“There’s only five crew members here at a time,” he explained. “We don’t need that much space.”
Stepping over to the couch, Carson placed her hand on the soft fabric, turning to him. As if studying her reaction to his living quarters Jax watched her carefully.
“Garrett brought up junior partner today,” she said.
“Really? Is he going to promote you?”
She shook her head. “No. At least not yet. But he said he’s going to start thinking about it again.”
“That’s amazing. I’m really proud of you.”
The look of disappointment on his face from last night flashed in her mind. She shuddered. “Thank you . . . but can I ask you a question?”
He nodded.
“Do you want to replace Tim as Captain?”
Closing the distance between them, Jax’s eyes grazed over Carson face. “I do,” he admitted.
“Then why haven’t you accepted?”
The stubble crunched against Jax’s hand when he reached up to rub his chin, hesitating before answering. “I just want to make sure it’s the right future.”
“Right future? Why wouldn’t it be?”
He paused for a second, then shrugged. “Because I was hoping it wouldn’t be just my own future.”
It took a second before Carson realized the meaning behind his words. He was implying their future. Her heart did a flip-flop.
“Oh. You’re not sure whether to take it or not because of me?”
“It’s a big commitment, and by the time Cap’ retires we don’t know where we’ll be,” he said before adding nonchalantly, “At least I know where I want us to be. ”
Before Carson could clarify his statement, a series of deafening bells echoed throughout the entire station. Her eardrums protested against their shrieks. Light fixtures began flashing between red and orange, signaling an active emergency. Jax immediately straightened, transforming into a first responder right before her eyes.
“I’ve gotta go. You can leave through the front entrance.” He leaned in to peck her on the lips, but before their lips touched, he whispered, “And if anyone is going to handcuff you to the bed, it’s going to be me.”
In a happy stupor, Carson watched as her firefighter disappeared under the archway.