22. Chapter 22
Chapter twenty-two
C arson’s head hit the window, her limbs flying up then crashing back down. She was strapped to a seat, feeling weightless one second, then feeling all of earth’s gravity the next. Over and over her body slammed into the door, slammed into the seat, lurched forward, then smacked the center console. It felt as though she were a tumbleweed being thrown around by the wind. Every hit, every smack, every crunch hurt. Her neck, insides, back, all gripped by searing agony—
“Uncle Jax, wake up! Santa came!”
Carson, with her head under the pillow, wiggled out of the way, trying to avoid being crushed by the two boys, who were now jumping on the tiny bed. The springs creaked unnaturally under the weight of four bodies.
“There’s presents,” Hayden said.
“Santa brought them,” Henry tagged on.
“Santa?” Jax croaked, still half-asleep.
“Yeah!” the twins shouted.
“Hurry up and come downstairs to see,” Hayden begged.
The twins then sprung off the bed, trampling through the hall and pounding down the stairs.
Carson unearthed herself from the bedding. Jax was leaning over, checking the time on his phone. Darkness lingered beyond the window, the sun not having woken up yet.
“Jax?” she mumbled into the pillow.
He rolled back toward her. “Yes, Mr. Hoover?”
“Santa came,” she said.
Letting out a chuckle, Jax moved Carson’s hair out of her face, and she blinked up at him.
“How’d you sleep?” he asked.
“I dreamed about the accident again.”
“I’m sorry. What can I do to help?”
Lifting herself until she was propped on her elbows, Carson said, “I’ll be alright. It’s part of me now.”
Jax’s lips pressed into a thin line. Her continuing nightmares were difficult for him. In one counseling session, Dave had explained that recurring nightmares were common for Carson’s situation, and she would probably have them for a very long time.
“We better get down there before the boys come back,” she warned.
By the time Carson and Jax made it downstairs and into the living room, Shirley, Beau, Billy, and Marlo were lounging on the furniture. Henry and Hayden were bouncing on their knees next to the lit tree, excitedly pointing at the pile of colorful presents.
“Merry Christmas,” Shirley said, rocking Elizabeth in the recliner.
“Merry Christmas, Ma,” Jax greeted back, leaning over to kiss his mother on the forehead.
Beau was lying across the love seat, scrolling on his phone. He peered up at everyone, then at the stairs. “Emily must be giving Wyatt his Christmas present early.”
“Beau, don’t be distasteful. Especially in front of our guest,” Shirley reprimanded .
Carson dropped the grin on her face. Beau’s comment reminded her of something Raegan would say. Those two would get along , she mused.
Minutes later, Emily and Wyatt joined them. Emily was already in a floral dress and ankle-boots with makeup neatly painted on her round face, her russet hair perfectly curled. Wyatt was wearing one of those pullover sweaters with a horse stitched on the front and loafers that Carson had seen her boss, Garrett, wear.
A bit self-conscious, Carson fidgeted with her shirt. She was still in her pajamas, not having bothered to put on makeup. Maybe she could have brushed a layer of mascara on; after all, she’d just met these people. Then she noticed that everyone else was also in their lounging clothes. Shirley’s hair seemed flatter than yesterday, and Marlo’s frizz was twisted on top of her head. Neither had makeup on.
“Glad you could finally join us,” Beau muttered, moving so Wyatt and Emily could sit next to him.
There was no rhythm or reason to the way the Miller family opened gifts on Christmas morning. Boxes and bags were passed around. Crinkled wrapping paper began piling up all over the room. Shirley had put together a stocking for everyone, including Carson. Hers was filled with chocolates and lotion, lip-gloss and a candle, candy canes and nail polish.
Shirley was happily emptying a stocking into her lap when Jax leaned over and whispered, “Each year we take turns doing one for her. This year was Marlo and Billy’s turn.”
Hayden and Henry gasped when they shredded the wrapping off a huge box. Santa had brought them a Hot Wheels mega track set, and they begged their parents to open it immediately. Billy and Marlo shared a kiss over a diamond necklace. Emily had gotten Wyatt a new laptop, sleek and shiny. Beau was grinning crookedly over a new pair of leather gloves for smoking meats, shoving his giant hands into them. Jax was impressed when Carson got up to grab a large cube-shaped box from under the tree and sat it on his lap.
“Open it,” she urged, settling on the floor in front of him.
When he opened the box, his eyes grew wide.
“I noticed yours were a little worn down,” Carson said as Jax lifted a riding jersey from the box. It was silver and black, with hard shapes and lines and hints of lime green striped throughout. Flashy, but subtle. Then he pulled out a matching helmet. And matching riding pants. Then boots. Carson hoped that her discreetly rummaging through his stuff in order to find out his sizes had paid off.
“How the hell did you fit all this in your suitcase?” he asked, pulling the helmet out of its protective sleeve.
“Christmas magic,” she fibbed, winking. The magic was Carson using her detective skills to find Shirley’s address, then shipping the gift to the house with a note explaining what the package was.
“That is so cool, Uncle Jax!” Henry hopped up onto his lap, pushing the box to the side. “Can I try it on?”
“Of course, buddy,” he said, slipping the helmet over Henry’s crop of hair like he was extinguishing a flame.
The helmet was ginormous compared to Henry’s tiny body, reminding Carson of a bobblehead. Henry giggled then pulled it off and bounced back to his new toys.
“Beau, can you get that red box with the white bow next to you?” Jax asked, setting his gift off to the side.
Beau’s eyes swept around him before picking up and handing the box to Carson. It was surprisingly heavy relative to its size. She lifted it to give to Jax .
He shook his head. “It’s for you.”
Biting her lower lip, Carson ripped off the paper, uncovering a box set of thin books. “Is this . . .” Her voice trailed off.
“Pull them out,” he said, resting his elbows on his knees.
With a delicate touch, she slipped one of the children’s books out and timidly turned it over. On the cover, her old friend, Hank the Cowdog , wagged his tail at her. She pulled out another, then another, remembering each story, each adventure.
The corners of her eyes pricked with tears. “You remembered,” she murmured, holding the books to her chest.
“Get a room already,” Beau muttered.
“What did he get you that’s making you give him googly eyes?” Billy demanded.
Gripping the books tighter to her body, Carson’s neck flushed with embarrassment. “It’s just an old children’s book I loved as a kid. I mentioned it to him when we first met, and he remembered.”
“How sweet,” Shirley crooned, patting Elizabeth’s back.
A tear escaped, and Carson used the end of her shirtsleeve to soak it up. “I don’t know why it’s making me cry. I feel stupid.”
“Don’t feel stupid, honey. It’s romantic, and it makes me want to cry too,” Marlo said.
“Same,” said Emily.
Carson looked down at the books again. Maybe she could read them to the twins before she left. Sniffing, she looked back at Jax. “Thank you.”
Now it was his turn to wink.
Her body melted into the couch. She was home. Like she was a part of a family. All her doubts and concerns had melted away here in the living room, surrounded by wonderful, kind people. People who welcomed her with open arms. She was grateful to be there.
Something within Carson was piecing back together. Maybe it was the way Billy adoringly looked at Marlo, the mother of his children. Or how Emily’s smile stretched from gold earring-to-gold earring every time Wyatt spoke. Or how Beau’s booming laugh was infectious and filled the room. Maybe it was because Carson could see the Christmas lights twinkle in the twins’ eyes as they raced their toy cars with gusto. It could have been watching Shirley, who showed her what it was like to have a mother pour out nothing but love for her children and grandchildren.
Carson didn’t want to waste it. Not a single moment.
For the rest of Christmas Day, she was determined to experience it all. When Hayden and Henry showed her and Jax how they’d learned to ride their bikes, she cheered the loudest. Her arms were elbow deep in dinner, helping Shirley prepare the Christmas feast consisting of roast and string bean casserole and a garden salad. In order for Billy and Marlo to sneak away for a quiet moment, she offered to watch Elizabeth. She sought Emily’s and Wyatt’s advice on business accounting, explaining that she wanted to eventually open her own firm. By the afternoon, she had a business plan started. At one point, she had a lengthy conversation with Beau. He went on and on about famous supercross athletes, spewing off statistics and asking if she’d watched that year’s final race, even taking her out to the shed to show off his dirt bike.
By the time dinner arrived, Carson felt accomplished. Peering around the table, she absorbed everyone’s energy and listened to the conversation over the scraping of utensils against the plates.
“Jax, you remember Liza from middle school? She just had a baby,” Shirley announced.
“With that idiot boyfriend of hers,” Beau mumbled around a mouth full of food.
“That reminds me. My friend Hunter and his wife are expecting their first baby,” Jax said.
Shirley’s face lit up, and she placed a hand on her chest. “You’re kidding! That’s so wonderful.”
“Is Hunter the same guy you worked with when you moved to Arizona?” Wyatt asked.
Jax nodded.
“Mom, can we please be excused from the table?” Hayden pleaded.
“Let me see those plates,” Marlo said. Both the boys lifted their dirty dishes with scraps of food left on them. “Good enough for me. Go play till it’s time to load the dishwasher.”
Carson looked down at her plate. She’d eaten all her salad, but hadn’t started on the roast.
Billy leaned around Marlo. “Didn’t you want like fourteen kids or something, Jax?” he asked.
Jax sat back in his chair, putting his arm behind Carson. “I only ever said I wanted a bunch of kids,” he clarified.
Carson gripped her knees, trying to keep her leg from shaking with shame.
“Thank heavens you didn’t have any with Kristen,” Wyatt murmured. Grunts of agreement came from around the table.
“How many kids do you want, Carson?” Marlo asked, refilling her glass with the lemonade pitcher.
Carson’s eyes flitted around the table while everyone patiently waited for her answer. Giving up, she let her leg bounce. “Oh, uh, I don’t think I want any,” she lied.
“You don’t want any kids?” Beau challenged, one eye squinting at her .
She shrugged, shaking her head. “Um, I mean . . . uh . . . I just—”
Beau cut her off before she could finish. “What? Why don’t you want any kids?”
“Ease off, Beau,” Jax snarled.
“It was an innocent question,” Beau said, defensively, his massive shoulders shrugged high by his ears as if he’d merely asked about the weather.
In all fairness to Beau, it was a simple question, and they weren’t strangers. He was the brother of Jax, whom Carson was perfectly fine spending the rest of her life with. The people around her—Marlo, Billy, Shirley, Wyatt, Emily, Beau—could all be her family, too, one day. They were having a discussion about children, and Beau was curious to know why Carson didn’t want any. She felt safe and comfortable with them. She was confident they would protect her as much as she would protect them.
If the past few months had taught her anything, it was to be open and honest with the people she loved. At least that was what she and Dave had been working on: opening up, being honest, trusting others. Even if there were consequences, good or bad. And after the wonderful day she’d had, Carson felt strong. Courageous. She could finally tell Jax this one last secret with the support of his family around them. Dave would be so proud of her.
She unclenched her teeth from her cheek, and her leg calmed. “Actually, I can’t get pregnant,” she finally admitted, proud of the huge step she was taking. “I was in a car accident that killed my husband and unborn son. It also took away my ability to have children.”
Time stood still. Or at least that’s what it felt like. Not a single muscle moved. Forks were suspended between plates and open mouths. It was so quiet Carson could almost hear everyone’s heartbeat. Hers was pounding in her ears, making them ache. Muffled sounds of a cartoon show came from the living room. Was anyone even breathing? She realized that she wasn’t breathing and exhaled.
That triggered everyone else. Uncertainty flashed across Beau’s face, his mouth slack. Forks were lowered back to the table. All eyes landed on her. Then they darted between her and Jax. Then between Jax and Beau.
Carson peeped at Jax who was glaring down at his plate. Oh, he didn’t look happy at all. The muscle in his jaw was twitching, and the two lines between his dark eyebrows made an appearance. Her insides puddled. Was he upset because she was infertile? It sure looked like it.
“Nice, Beau,” Wyatt spat.
“Way to be an ass,” Billy mumbled.
“No, please,” Carson pleaded. “It’s really okay. You guys were going to learn about it at some point anyway.”
“Beau could have been more tactful about it though,” Billy argued, as though his brother wasn’t sitting at the table with them.
“Carson.” It was Shirley who spoke. “We are so sorry to hear about your family.” Then her eyes glanced at Jax behind her. “Jax, why don’t you and Carson excuse yourselves from dinner. I’ll bring a piece of cobbler to y’all out on the front porch.”
Without a word Jax pushed his chair back and stood up, giving one more scowl toward his older brother.
Beau hunched forward, looking smaller than normal. “I’m really sorry,” he said solemnly.
“Please don’t be sorry,” Carson assured him. “I apologize if I ruined Christmas dinner.”
Before she stood up, Marlo caught her hand and squeezed. “Nothing is ruined. Thank you for being comfortable enough to share with us.”
Carson sat on her hands, using her foot to push the porch swing back and forth. It was the first time since arriving in the Lone Star State that she’d felt cold. Now she wished she’d snagged the throw blanket from the back of the couch before going outside. One of the concrete statues, an armadillo with a cowboy hat on its head, had its beady eyes trained on her. She imagined it slinging an old revolver at her.
Jax was pacing back and forth, his hands on his hips. Then he stopped to lean over the railing and stare down at the bushes. Finally, he stood straight and folded his arms, looking out into the dark. The Christmas lights colored his dark hair with reds, greens, blues, and yellows.
“Can we talk about it?” she offered, hesitantly.
He whirled around, his hair spilling across his forehead. “I’m using all my self-discipline right now to not go in and punch my brother in the face.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Jax.”
His hand motioned to the front door. “He just made you tell everyone about Luke and your son. You were forced to reveal that in front of everyone.”
“He didn’t make me do anything,” Carson said, a little annoyed.
Jax’s head fell to the side as if saying, Yeah, right.
“Really,” she insisted. “Everyone was talking about having kids, and I was asked a question. It was something I needed to tell you anyway, but I never knew how to bring it up. Beau gave me the opportunity.”
“That’s the other thing, Carson,” Jax said, his voice rough with frustration. “You didn’t tell me. Me . I had to hear it along with everyone else.”
Carson’s rocking came to an abrupt halt. Dave had warned her about consequences.
“You got upset with me when I hid the fact that I was at your accident,” he continued. “Now, you’ve done it to me. Do you know how that makes me feel?” The anger and hurt was evident on his face and in his voice.
“I didn’t mean to hide it from you,” Carson said, the words spilling from her mouth. “I didn’t know how to tell you that I couldn’t bear your children.”
Those words made his eyes catch fire the way they always did when he was full of emotion. Except this time they appeared black instead of blue. Harsh instead of soft.
“I don’t give a damn about that,” Jax growled. “What if I’m unable to have kids myself? What I’m upset about is you not telling me. We’ve been together for months. We’ve shared the same bed. We’ve been through so much together. Hell, we’re talking about our future together.”
Consequences.
Carson had messed up. Never had Jax been this animated before, this agitated over the things she had said and done. Not even about Beau or Kristen. If only she could pull the Christmas lights down and wrap them around her neck.
Blowing out air, Jax sat down beside her, the swing protesting from the added weight. “You continue to not trust me. Like you think I’m this terrible person who can’t support you while you work through your past. I’ve told you my secrets, Carson. I deserve the same from you.”
A faint memory floated in her mind. During their first official date, as she sat in the middle of Barry’s Burgers and Shakes, she had wondered what a relationship full of secrets would look like. This. This was what it looked like.
“I don’t think you’re a horrible person. Actually, I think the exact opposite.” Then Carson chose her next words deliberately. “I don’t want you to give up being a dad for me. I knew the moment you found out you would be okay with not having children of your own. But I can’t do that to you. I see the way you play with the twins and how you hold Elizabeth as if she is your own. I watched your face light up when Raegan said she was pregnant. You want children.”
Even though Jax’s nostrils flared, he didn’t speak. Carson was right and he knew it.
“Of course I want— wanted children,” Jax finally groaned. “I’ve wanted a lot of things in my life that I haven’t gotten. But what I really want is you. A life with you. Even if that future doesn’t involve children.”
That statement should have filled Carson with joy. Instead, his words festered and turned rotten. Just as she had expected, he hadn’t even hesitated. He should have been pulling back, confused and unsure. He should have been telling her that he needed time to think about it.
Maybe Jax could accept not having any children of his own. But that was a decision he couldn’t make on the spot. And Carson wasn’t going to stand in the way.