Chapter 48
By the time the sky is jet black outside, I’m in the winter drawing room again, rose-coloured tears blurring Dirty Dancing, which is playing on the TV.
I’m at the end when they’re doing their final dance.
‘(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life’ is playing and I keep thinking about the night Jonathan and I went to see this, and how happy we were, how close I was to everything I wanted.
Jennifer Grey nods at Patrick Swayze, and she runs and jumps, and he holds her in that lift.
I let out a small sob, reach for a tissue beside the sofa and dab my eyes.
‘What’s wrong with you?’ comes Oscar’s voice and I turn to look at him. He’s standing there in jeans and a black jumper. He looks at the TV screen and I press pause and he comes and sits down next to me.
‘Nothing,’ I say. I’d give anything to be able to talk to someone about this, but Oscar wouldn’t understand.
So instead, I look at him with sad eyes and try to smile, but then something softens behind his.
‘Come on, it’s not so bad,’ he says gently. ‘So, are you ready for our next lesson?’
I shrug. ‘Sure,’ I say. Why not.
He turns to face me on the sofa, bending one knee. I do the same. Our eyes meet and I think of all those pictures and that box and how I loved him and how he was having sex with two other women last night. I look away.
‘You asked about siphoning those images,’ he says. I look back at him. ‘How about I teach you that?’
‘Okay,’ I say, wary. Because why is he being nice? It’s almost like he’s trying to make me feel better.
‘In the absence of anyone else, you can practise on me,’ he says. ‘But I can control what I give you access to, Aubrey, so don’t try anything on.’
I give a half laugh. ‘I wouldn’t even want to see into the darkest corners of your mind,’ I say.
‘Wise woman,’ he says, reaching out with his big hands and taking mine. ‘Close your eyes.’
And I’m a little scared. It takes trust to close your eyes with someone.
But he’s watching, so my eyelids flutter shut.
‘First,’ he says, in a voice so seductive I wonder if he’s trying to hypnotise me, ‘imagine there are a thousand holes poking into you, and through each one of these holes you are leaking light.’
I nod and frown. I can imagine it. Most of my life feels like that. Like I’m drained and leaking into the world.
‘Pull all that light back inside of you and close those holes up. That light needs to stay within you.’
I nod again and actively try to pull back the streams of light then close the holes. I can see it in my mind’s eyes. Feel it, too.
‘That’s your life force, Aubrey. It should feel like heat. You generate a little of your own, but you replenish it every time you feed,’ he explains. ‘Now, gather it in your solar plexus, hold it there, and imagine your mind as a blank screen.’
I focus and do as he says, his hands still holding mine. But now there’s a warmth, an energy moving between us, and it’s disconcerting. What am I feeling?
My eyes flick open. He’s watching me.
‘Keep your eyes closed, Aubrey.’
I close them again and his hands are still on mine but the longer he holds them the more I feel things I don’t want to feel. My breath is caught somewhere between my lungs and my mouth.
‘Empty your mind. You need to want to see something. That’s the key. You have to truly desire it.’
I nod. Focus.
‘That’s your biggest problem, you’re always turning away from your desire, your hunger. Don’t.’
And then, from somewhere, images stream in.
They’re colourful and there’s sound too.
I can hear laughter and footsteps and see a ball.
He’s in the ballroom of this house looking out at a crowd of people.
On the table behind him are rows and rows of dark green bottles.
I zoom in on the labels: Vin Mariani . .
. That coca wine that used to have cocaine in it.
I haven’t seen those in over a hundred years. Oscar is looking around, frowning—
He inhales sharply and lets go of my hands. ‘Can’t let you probe around too much,’ he jokes.
But I’m filled with this feeling of accomplishment. I did it. I did it on purpose. For the first time ever.
‘I saw something,’ I say, nodding. ‘It was here, there was a ball, but I could tell from the hair and make-up it was a long time ago.’
‘Good,’ he says.
And this is the first time since that night when he saved me from Felix that I’ve felt good with him again. As I look at his face, I find myself searching for the parts of him I must have loved.
‘Thank you for saving me from Felix,’ I say.
He frowns, pain comes over his face. ‘Don’t even mention it. What he did was inexcusable. Grotesque. He deserved everything he got.’ And then he looks to the frozen image on the screen.
‘We could do that lift, you know. Maybe that’s the way to make you actually like being a vampire.’ He raises his eyebrows.
‘Really?’ I ask, with a small laugh. Is he joking? Is this a trap?
‘Sure, come, I’ll show you.’
I put on some shoes and follow him to the garden. We walk onto the lawn, and then he stops and says. ‘Okay, you ready?’
I smile, shrug.
He walks a little further then turns back to me.
‘Go for it. I’ll catch you,’ he says, his fingers moving in anticipation.
‘Are you sure?’ I ask.
‘Fuck, Aubrey, stop thinking so hard. Just live.’
‘Okay,’ I say. I run at him, fast, but the moment before I get to him I panic. I stop.
His hands are already on my hips, he’s already lifting me a bit, but he puts me down. ‘What’s the problem?’ he asks. ‘Don’t you trust me?’ He looks almost hurt.
‘I’ll try again,’ I say.
I walk back to my starting position, my heart a little quicker than normal.
I take a deep breath and run. And I don’t want to jump, I really don’t .
. . but I do it anyway. With everything I have, I leap.
His hands are on my hipbones, and he holds me overhead and I’m high above and can see everything.
I start to laugh, my arms out to the sides, and this must be it, this must be what I fell in love with as a human, this side of Oscar.
He lowers me down and my feet hit the ground.
Our eyes meet and zap.
Something stronger than I’ve ever felt—lightning striking—moves between us. It hits me square in the chest and I can see it hits him too. He gasps for breath, and his face softens. But then just as quickly, it’s gone. He looks away, clenches his jaw.
‘Okay, enough of that,’ he says, stepping away from me. ‘We still have more to do tonight. He starts walking and all I can do is follow him, but what the hell was that? Was it similar to the other night when I found that box? Those pictures? That feeling I got?
‘Where are we going?’ I ask.
We’re moving towards the garden bed where I’m pretty sure Felix is buried. But we pass it and now we’re heading to that little cottage I noticed the other night. I’m two steps behind him.
‘What are you going to teach me?’ I ask. Because why is he suddenly being cold again? So quiet. What did I do wrong?
He reaches for a key and opens the door to the cottage then turns to me and says, ‘Come inside.’