Chapter 64
‘No, I fucking did not!’ I say. He’s lying, like he lies about everything. He has to be.
‘You did.’ There’s no give in his voice. ‘Many times.’
‘Well, you shouldn’t have listened!’
He looks right at me. ‘You’re right, I shouldn’t have. But you were going to die.’ There’s a heat in his eyes. ‘I was going to lose you forever, and in that moment, I was weak.’
I frown.
‘So, your solution to not losing me forever was turning me into a vampire and then not talking to me for one hundred and fifty years?’ I ask.
‘I was trying to do the right thing. It was better that way, better than—’
‘Than what?’
‘Than me putting you in danger and you dying. For real. Because like I told you, vampires don’t get reincarnated. I knew that if you died as a vampire, I’d lose you forever.’
A ping rings out beneath my ribs.
‘That has happened to me before,’ he continues. ‘I couldn’t go through it again. Not with you—that pain would be unbearable. The end of me.’
‘I don’t believe you,’ I say, with more conviction than I feel.
He reaches out and touches my face. His pupils flare. My stomach clenches. And in comes a flash, just like last time. In technicolour, with sound, like I’m stepping into one of his memories. I look around.
I’m in a room, and it’s a long time ago.
Before my time, even. The only light in the room is coming from a candelabra and a fireplace.
On the rug, in front of the fireplace, stand three men.
Two of them are restraining a woman. The other holds a stake.
A mirror has been set up in Oscar’s eye line, like they want him to witness how weak and helpless he is—and he IS helpless.
Bound in chains, and drawn, like he hasn’t fed properly in months.
The woman is fighting to free herself, and Oscar is pulling against the chains, his arms straining, his eyes flaming.
But he’s so weak, they barely move. And as he watches, pain crackling behind his eyes, the man grins at him, then drives the stake through her heart.
I gasp. He lets go of me and the images cut to black. I swallow.
‘She’s the only person I ever turned before you, and I swore to myself I would never do it again.
But then that night, the night you died .
. . I could feel something was wrong. I went straight to you, but I was too late.
You were lying there, unconscious and covered in blood.
I could hear your heart about to give in, and I just couldn’t let it happen.
To make a vampire, you have seven short seconds after the last heartbeat to feed them vampire blood.
Aubrey, I had just seven seconds to make the biggest choice of both of our lives.
And he had killed you because of me, because of us.
I should have protected you. I should have forced you to leave him.
When it came down to it, I just couldn’t lose you.
But I also couldn’t let you be near me. I needed to protect you, no matter the cost. I owed you that. ’
My heart stutters and thoughts swirl around.
‘I couldn’t bear to lose you the same way,’ he continues. ‘The vampires who did that to Juliette are still around. They hurt her to hurt me, I knew it could happen again . . .’ He swallows and looks down. ‘My best option was to let you go.’
As I take in his words, the world spins a little slower.
All this time I thought we were so different.
But he’s been doing the same thing I have, just trying to get by in this world of absurdity.
While I’ve been holding so tightly to my humanity, like that might save me, he’s shut his out altogether lest it cause him more pain. Thinking that might save him.
He looks over at me, torment in his eyes.
‘And I thought you’d be okay. I thought you’d just forget me.
I whispered into your ear that you needed blood, that you needed to never tell anyone what you were, and that you needed to leave that house and go to the gardens nearby.
I took your necklace, the one I gave to you on Christmas, to remember you by.
From then on, I watched over you. I know it wasn’t perfect, but I protected you in my own way. ’
‘You could have just told me all this. I would have understood.’
‘No, you wouldn’t. You would have done what you’re about to do right now.’ His eyes look straight into me. ‘Tried to convince me we can be together.’
My breath shudders.
‘Would that be so bad?’
His eyes shift, like he can’t look at me.
‘Oscar?’
‘If we were together and something happened to you because of me . . .’
‘So I should just spend eternity alone, with no love, and no meaning? How is that a life?’
His eyes look deeply into mine; something burns behind them. ‘I don’t know anymore. There’s a packet of cigarettes beside him and he lights one and takes a drag. I reach for it and take a drag too—my final ‘fuck you’ to Jonathan. I blow out a big cloud of smoke and hand it back to him.
‘Did you know I’d found those pictures?’ I ask him. ‘Is that why you were so hot and cold?’
He shakes his head. ‘Not until you told me. But I was worried you’d figure out how I felt, that it was obvious.
I couldn’t have that. Because I knew then we’d end up having this exact chat.
’ He smirks, exhaling a cloud of smoke as he watches me.
‘I’m sorry about Tina, though. You were never in any danger; I would never let something happen to you.
I just needed you to buy into it. Because I could feel you softening, falling again. ’
‘Oh my god, you have the biggest ego,’ I say, and he starts to laugh.
‘You really haven’t changed at all.’
‘But is that a good thing or a bad thing?’ I ask, as my eyes meet his.
He lies down on the sofa and says, ‘The best thing.’
And somehow, the only thing for me to do then is to lie down beside him and put my head on his shoulder. As I do, it feels like the most natural thing in the world. Like I’ve done it a thousand times before—and maybe I have.
We stay there for a little while, smoking. Saying nothing. Cat, not wanting to be left out, meows and stretches and comes over, settling by my feet and purring. And I think: Of all the ways I saw myself starting New Year’s Day, this one seemed the most unlikely . . .
‘I haven’t done this for a long time,’ he says eventually, in a croaky voice. ‘Just laid down next to somebody.’ He strokes my hair. ‘Not since you.’
‘What did we used to talk about?’
He takes a drag and blows out a cloud of smoke. ‘You’d say: “Would you want to be with me if the world was going to end?”’ His voice cracks.
‘And what would you say?’ I ask.
‘I’d say, “Yes.” The truth is, I don’t care if the world ends. I’ve been alive for more than seven hundred years, I just want to have a good time while I’m here. But I do care if you end.’
I prop myself up on my elbows so I can see his face.
‘Tell me the rest,’ I say, looking into his eyes. ‘About me. About who I was. I’ve always wanted to know.’
He lets out a sigh and stares deep into my eyes. ‘I know that Aubrey was your maiden name, and that you missed having it as your own. I’d call you that. I know that you were beautiful. And that I loved you, really loved you,’ he says, his voice husky. ‘I still love you.’
It hits me in the centre of my chest. Those words I’ve always wanted to hear.
All this time, I thought Aubrey was just a link to my human-self, to the light and the version of me I couldn’t let go. But it was also a link to him. To a love that has lasted through many lifetimes.
As I look at him, my heart opens, it opens so wide I couldn’t stop it even if I wanted to. And I hear myself say. ‘I love you too.’
He reaches forward and touches my face. ‘I know, and that’s the problem. When people love each other like we do . . . it’s never simple.’
I take a deep breath and think about what he’s just said. ‘What was my first name, then?’ I ask.
‘Tabitha,’ he says.
I snort. ‘Really?’ I ask. He grins and my heart squeezes ‘Like Bewitched?’
He nods. And I really like the name, but it’s not me. Aubrey is.
‘What else?’ I ask, my voice almost a whisper. ‘What did I like?’
‘I wish I knew more, Aubrey, but I tried my hardest to keep my distance. I knew I couldn’t get too close, I could feel myself being drawn to you.’
‘But what about us, our story? You must know that,’ I ask, as he takes a final drag and stubs out the cigarette on the ashtray. ‘How did we fall in love? And what was that piece you were playing on the cello? Because it felt like I knew it. It made me want to cry.’
He smiles, reaches for my face and touches my cheek.
‘I wrote that piece for you,’ he says. ‘As for how we fell in love . . .’ He smiles again, and it’s more beautiful than all the dawns I thought I was missing out on, combined. ‘It was, tumultuous, to say the least.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You hated me on sight. You’d heard the rumours about me bedding half the town’s women, which were all true, and you weren’t having a bar of it.
But there was something about you that my soul recognised immediately, even though my mind didn’t know you, didn’t understand why I felt tied to you.
I couldn’t shake it. One day, I saw why. ’
I’m thinking of everything my soul remembered that my mind forgot. Even Jonathan’s soul had a memory of me that he was unaware of. Something that drove him towards me.
Maybe that’s the way it is for all of us, humans and vampires alike. Our souls are timeless, they carry scars and links to others that our minds cannot accept or understand. Some bonds are of love, some are of trauma, and it can be hard to tell the difference.
I frown. ‘But how could your soul recognise mine?’ I ask. ‘Had we met before, in another life?’
He nods. ‘Yes, a long time ago now. When I was still human. It was in France—I was a knight, and you were my wife. My memory of it all dissolved when I was turned, of course, so I only know pieces of that from what I’ve seen in your memories.’
As he says this, all I can think is: Oh.
And that kaleidoscope shifts once more, the pattern reconfigures but the sands remain the same.
Because now it’s so obvious. All this time, I did have a soulmate. Someone who had loved me in multiple lifetimes.
It just wasn’t Jonathan. Now that I think about it, Oscar has given me love. Real love. The kind that sees you, really sees you, and loves you anyway. He has fought for me, protected me, sacrificed for me.
‘What did you see? Can you show me?’ I ask, gazing into his eyes. ‘What happened to us in that life?’
He lets out a sigh. ‘We have a lot of time, Aubrey,’ he says, and his voice is tired. ‘And it’s been a big night.’
So, I lie down, my head on his chest, as the fire crackles and Cat purrs.
Because he’s right, we have time. We have all the time in the world. We have eternity.
I have eternity. And I meant what I thought in that cage: I’m going to use it.
So as the sun starts to rise outside, I let my eyelids get heavy and for the first time in 150 years, I fall asleep calm and .
. . happy. Knowing I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.
I don’t know how any of it will work out, but I do know that Jonathan was right about one thing: There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.
That life has a million surprises in store for me.
There will be chaos and magic and glitter and darkness, cigarettes and yearning and silk and moonlight, dancing and tears and laughter and blood and make-up sex and photo albums and even the fear of death.
There will be everything and nothing all at once.
And for the first time in my life, I can’t wait.
Screw control.
I cannot wait to live.
* * *
Title: ARCHWAY: FOUR DIE IN SUBURBAN BLAZE—ONE OF OUR OWN!!!!
Location: London
Posted by: @MrJones
Four people have been found dead after a house fire in Archway in the early hours of New Year’s Day. Firefighters were called to the scene by neighbours just before 4 am and fought tirelessly to contain the blaze, heroically saving surrounding properties.
‘This appears to be a tragic accident,’ said a spokesperson for the police. ‘A New Year’s Eve party gone wrong.’
But neighbours witnessing the scene have other thoughts. ‘There was stuff inside,’ said one elderly neighbour. ‘A cage and metal fixtures, my grandson took a look and said it was a sex swing and other BDSM paraphernalia. I bet they were doing something perverted with fire. They put us all at risk!’
Another neighbour told The Evening Standard: ‘They were a secretive bunch. Their blinds always shut, boarded up one of their windows and all, never a word for the neighbours. I think they were into drugs.’
Police are working to identify the victims, and urge anyone with information to contact Crimestoppers immediately.
Comments:
@MrJones: OMFG. One of our members @Riley was in this fire! And guys, he said he was onto a vamp, some chick named Aubrey who worked at Selfridges. He showed me a video of her zooming around and climbing through a second-storey window! I bet she did this!
@HenryD: Who were the others?
@MrJones: Not sure
@Vampitup, replying to @MrJones: Why didn’t Riley tell us about her? If she worked at Selfridges maybe she had something to do with Kenneth Brawley????
@MrJones, replying to @Vampitup: He told me in secret, it was something he was working on with other members but you know Riley, he never could keep a secret.
@Vampitup, replying to @MrJones: You should have said!
@HenryD: Should we tell the police?
@BloodyGoooood: Like they’d believe us.
@redflannelforever: I’m new here, but I’m totally committed. I was attacked on Boxing Day by some bitch who made me pee myself. Who knows what else she did to me? But I’m in! Whatever you want!
@HenryD: Welcome.
@Eric22: This is fucking war! Killing one of our own.
@Vampitup: We need to meet to discuss this immediately. See if we can get that video.
@Viciousdelicious: Agreed. Onward.
@Eric22: We’re just getting started.