Chapter 31
CALLUM
The treadmill wasn’t doing it tonight.
I’d been down here for forty minutes and I hadn’t worked through the frustration. Normally, I could just very literally run from the problems of the day. But it wasn’t working. The harder I ran, the faster my thoughts swirled in my head.
I checked my phone, sweat dripping down my nose. There was still nothing from Victoria. Her last message had said: I need some time to cool off before we talk. Please give me that.
How long? I didn’t know how long I was supposed to give her. A day? A week? What happened during that time? Did she dump me? I cranked the speed up. The restaurant scene was on a constant loop in my head. The belt screamed.
Was I sorry? I kept trying to locate the remorse and coming up short.
I knew what I’d done was wrong on a practical level.
I understood why she was furious. I had made a scene.
I had potentially tanked a sponsorship she needed.
But what if she had needed me and I wasn’t there? I wanted to be safe rather than sorry.
“Hey.”
I hit the emergency stop and grabbed the railing. Dash was standing in the doorway of the gym with two bottles of water. I almost forgot they were in the house. He and Krista had gone out to dinner. They had invited me but I declined. I was not in any condition to be a good dinner companion.
“You look terrible,” he said.
“Thanks.”
He crossed the room and set one of the bottles on the shelf beside my phone. I grabbed the towel from the hook and pressed it to my face. My legs were burning. My chest felt like it had been compressed in a vise. I could taste the salt on my lips.
“Krista sent me,” he said. “She could hear the treadmill from the living room.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be. You want to tell me what happened or do you want me to guess?”
I sat down on the weight bench, opened the water bottle, and drank half of it in one go. Then I told him all of it. Dash listened without interrupting. He grimaced once or twice.
“Did she call you?” he asked.
“No.”
“Did she text you?”
“She said she needed time to cool off. What does that mean? Did I completely fuck myself?”
“You want the honest version or the version that makes you feel better?”
I gave him a dry look. “What do you think?”
He exhaled through his nose. “You fucked up.”
“Thanks,” I muttered.
“I know I said I’d do the same thing,” he said. “And I would. But I also know that doing the same thing doesn’t make it right. It just makes it human.”
I glared at him. “You told me to go!”
“No, I told you what I would do. The difference between what you did and what I would have done is that I would have been invisible. She never would have known I was there.”
“She didn’t know I was there until that asshole touched her.”
“Sounds like you jumped the gun.”
I pressed the towel against the back of my neck. “I saw his hand on her and I reacted. It was like a switch. I didn’t decide to do it. I was just up and moving.”
“I understand that. There’s a difference between being looked out for and being managed. She’s not going to stay mad forever. But she needs to know you understand what you did was wrong. Not just that you’re sorry it upset her.”
“Hard to do that when she won’t talk to me.”
“Then go talk to her.”
“She said she needed time.”
“She’s had time. Get that apology in now before it festers. That’s what you have to do in a relationship.”
“Okay,” I said.
Maybe I’d just been waiting for someone to tell me what I already knew I wanted to do.
I got cleaned up and headed over to her apartment. Normally, I would have texted her first but I was afraid she would have told me not to come. Taking a deep breath, I knocked and waited. She opened the door and looked at me and it was clear she was still pissed. She did not step back to let me in.
“What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to apologize. Can we talk?”
“Jeff Connors backed out,” she said.
That was exactly what I didn’t want to hear. That made my apology pretty weak.
“He called Betty this afternoon. Said he didn’t feel comfortable moving forward after what happened.” Her jaw was tight. “He also apparently felt the need to tell her that I had conducted myself unprofessionally by bringing my boyfriend to a business meeting.”
I let out a long breath. “I’m sorry.”
“She’s my friend, Callum. She’s the person who gave me a chance when I had nothing.
She trusts me to represent this organization and now she has to think about whether that’s still a good idea.
Because of what happened today, I’m a liability.
I’m costing her donors. That doesn’t just affect her.
It hurts the people were trying to help. ”
She was right. I felt about two inches tall.
“I’ll sponsor the event,” I blurted out. “Whatever Connors was going to give, I’ll match it. More than match it. I’ll write a check today if that’s what it takes.”
She didn’t move from the doorway. I was not getting invited in. “No,” she said. “Don’t do that.”
“I want to make this right.”
“You can’t make this right with a check.
” She crossed her arms and looked at me with disappointment.
That was worse than her anger. “That’s what my parents used to do.
Every time they broke something, every time someone got hurt, every time my father did something my mother didn’t like or vice versa, they wrote a check or they bought something.
Problem solved. Next issue.” She shook her head slowly.
“I watched them do it my entire childhood and I swore I would never live like that.”
I hated that as well. I tried not to do it, but it was hard not to when there was a problem I could fix with a check.
“You’re right,” I said. “That’s not the answer.”
One of her neighbors stepped out, looked at me, and then recognition dawned on their face.
“Come in,” Victoria said begrudgingly.
It wasn’t an invitation as much as her controlling the situation.
Preventing more eavesdropping. More rumors.
She closed the door behind me and didn’t sit down.
She just stood in the middle of the small living room with her arms crossed and looked at me like she was trying to figure out what to do with me.
“I might get fired,” she said.
“Betty wouldn’t do that.”
“You don’t know that. Betty runs a nonprofit on donations and goodwill and I have now cost her two significant donors in a very short period of time.
” She took a deep breath. “Jack Montana was an accident. An unintended consequence. But today was different.” She pressed her fingers against her temple. “You humiliated me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I walked in there and I set the terms of that meeting before we even ordered. I had him.” I saw the sadness in her eyes. “I had him, Callum. I was proud of myself. I sat across from a man who makes my skin crawl and I handled it professionally. Confidently. Without anyone’s help.”
I didn’t say anything. There was nothing to say to that.
“And then you went all feral. I was a woman whose boyfriend had to come make sure she was okay.” She pressed her lips together. “Do you understand how that feels? To have something taken away from you that you earned? That you fought for?”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “Not for being there. I can’t be sorry for that, but I’m sorry for what it cost you.
” I ran a hand through my hair. “The idea of you sitting across from him and being uncomfortable drove me crazy. Logic goes out the window when it comes to you. I don’t know how else to explain it.
It’s not an excuse. It’s just the truth. ”
She exhaled slowly and unfolded her arms. She looked tired.
“I grew up in a house where love looked a lot like control. My father decided what was good for my mother. My mother decided what was appropriate for me. Everyone was always making decisions on everyone else’s behalf because they knew best.” She sat down on the couch and looked up at me.
“I spent my life in that world. And when I finally left, I had to learn how to trust my own instincts. I need you to understand that what you did today wasn’t just inconvenient.
It brought back up old feelings. I don’t know what to do with that. ”
I sat down across from her so I could be at her level. I wanted to reach for her hand, but I didn’t.
“What do you need?” I asked. “What can I do? I’m sorry. I know you don’t want me to write a check, but it’s not me fixing a problem. It’s me helping. I want to do it.”
She looked at the floor for a moment. “I think I need some time,” she said. “I’m not ending things. I’m not saying that. But I have a lot to think about and I can’t think clearly when you’re around. That’s not your fault. That’s just how it is. I need a few days.”
A few days. I didn’t know if few meant three or five. I had never been in a position where I had to wait and wonder and do nothing. And I had become so used to her being around. I needed her. I had no idea how to function without her.
With no other choice, I stood up. “Okay.”
She looked up at me and once again I had to fight the urge to reach for her.
“I’ll give you whatever you need,” I said.
“But I want you to know something first.” I looked at her.
“I’m not going to pretend I would have done it differently.
Because the thought of you needing me and me not being there is something I can’t make peace with.
” I paused and considered what that might sound like.
“That’s my issue to work on. I know that.
I need you to know the difference between control and caring. I promise you, it wasn’t control.”
She nodded but didn’t say anything. I walked to the door and stopped with my hand on the handle. I felt shame, which was a new thing. It was heavy and uncomfortable. I had let her down. That was not something I knew how to handle.
“Callum.”
I turned back hopefully.
“I’ll call you,” she said.
Not what I was hoping for, but it was better than goodbye. That would have felt like a dagger through the heart. I walked out and back to my car.
When I got home, the house was dark and felt hollow, empty, even though Dash and Krista were in the guest room.
I poured myself a drink and flopped onto the leather sofa without bothering to turn on any lights.
I wasn’t her father. I wasn’t trying to manage her or make decisions on her behalf. I had no idea how to be a boyfriend and it showed. I finished the drink and headed upstairs to bed.
The bed was too big. It had always been big, but without her beside me, it felt lonely.