CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Nadine
Another costume box had arrived this morning.
I’d been kind of excited at first. The sex had been insane between Reynolds and me the first two times, so I couldn’t wait to see what he wanted me to dress up as next.
Plus, he’d already told me he was planning on coming over today after work. The timing was perfect.
It also made me happy that he was still interested in role playing with me. Him spending lots of time with Whitney made me worried that he was losing interest in me. Like he’d said he would when we started this whole thing.
I opened the outer box and ripped through the wrapping on the present that had been inside. It was late October now, and I opened it expecting a slutty Halloween costume. But… that’s not what was in there. My hand hovered over what looked like a rubberized mask of some sort. I wrinkled my nose.
“What the hell?”
I pulled it out, staring at the sickly green color. Then I pulled out the rest of the costume. It was some sort of silvery, shimmery fabric. There were also green plastic hands and feet in the box that were supposed to cover my own.
It was an alien costume. An ugly one. Oh my God. This was too freaky.
I pulled the mask on and tried to see myself in the mirror.
I could see that it covered my head completely.
I’d had to tuck my hair inside the upper back area of the mask where the alien’s head lump was.
There were tiny eye holes for me to see out of.
I could barely see anything, but it was enough to know I looked hideous.
I pulled the dress on. I was aghast. If anything, I looked worse.
It was a loose, shapeless garment that did nothing for my hourglass figure at all.
I pulled the hands and feet on. They were… gross. They looked like they belonged on a frog or lizard or something, with long, claw-like toes and fingers. If there was such a thing as dainty alien hands and feet, these were not them.
I checked myself out in the full-length mirror and wanted to cry. He wanted to have sex with this creature?
How? Maybe I didn’t know Reynolds as well as I thought I did.
I was bald, green, and shapeless with disgusting feet and hands.
I wasn’t sure I could do it.
How did a guy go from French maid, to slutty cheerleader, to hideous alien? I mean, it could have at least come with a skintight alien suit or something. It could have been like that hot blue alien lady in the X-Men movies.
Not… whatever this was.
I shuddered.
And that’s when I heard the door close. He was here early! I had been thinking about cutting a hole in the back of the alien head to let my hair out at least. Now I didn’t even have time for that.
“Nadine,” he called. “Where are you? You didn’t answer my text, so I thought you might not be home…” his voice trailed off as I walked out of the bedroom.
I tried to walk kind of sexy, but, I mean, I had disgusting frog lizard feet. How can anyone be sexy like that? Plus, the dress-like garment was floating around my body like a strange, filmy tent.
“Oh.”
I could be wrong given my eye holes were one-sixth the size of my actual eyes, but it seemed as if he wasn’t having the same reaction to me as he had when I wore the previous costumes. In fact, I thought, as I stopped walking, he looked kind of horrified.
Did he need me to talk like an alien to get turned on? How does an alien talk? I tried to think of any alien movies besides Star Wars that I’d seen, but I couldn’t think of any. All I could think of was Yoda.
“Home glad I am you are,” I squawked out in the worst impression of Yoda that had ever been done.
His mouth dropped open. He just stood there and stared at me. “Nadine… I… don’t know what to say.”
He definitely didn’t seem turned on. So, why did he order this horrible thing?
Maybe I was misreading his signals. Maybe he was into it.
I did a little turn, a shimmy, then a couple of dance moves, but the feet tripped me up.
I had the awful feeling that they’d turned out to be the opposite of the sexy stripper moves I’d been going for.
And that’s when he started laughing.
It wasn’t like a mild, slightly amused laugh, either.
It started with a snort, like he’d been trying to hold it back.
Then it evolved into the kind of laughter that you can’t stop, the kind that hurts your stomach muscles and makes you cry.
He leaned against the wall, helpless to stop as his shoulders shook.
I opened my mouth, shocked. Not that he could tell. This stupid mask covered everything. Plus, it was starting to get humid and wet inside the rubbery plastic from the condensation of my breath.
“What the hell, Reynolds?”
But that only made him laugh harder. Probably because my voice was muffled inside the mask. And, of course, I looked ridiculous.
“Oh. Oh my God,” he cried, doubled over. “You’re killing me. My stomach.”
I put my hands on my hips, about to give him a piece of my mind, but that only increased the laughter.
I tapped my foot. “I’ll wait.” Too late, I remembered that it was a huge frog lizard foot.
“Jesus, Nadine, stop being funny,” he cackled.
“I’m not doing it on purpose!”
“How the hell is that,” he gestured at me, “not purposeful?”
“I give up.” I threw my alien hands up and marched back towards the bedroom.
“Wait, wait.” He rushed after me and pulled me back against him, his arms locking around my waist. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”
I turned to look up into his face. That set him off again. Loud peals of laughter rolled out of him as he dropped his arms from around my waist and staggered to the sofa. He threw himself down and took deep breaths as he tried to stop laughing. “I’m so sorry,” he said between snorts.
“I can tell.”
“Take that mask off. I can’t talk to you seriously when you look like that, honey.”
“Oh, don’t you ‘honey’ me!” I jerked at the mask, but it didn’t budge. Oh, Jesus. I twisted this way and that, pulling on the mask and trying to get it loose from me.
Reynolds was laughing helplessly on the sofa while he watched me. “Help me, asshole,” I cried.
He got up and came over. “Why can’t you get it off?”
“I… don’t… know,” I yelled, grabbing the edge of the mask and jerking upwards as hard as I could.
“Wait, wait. Is all of your hair in there?”
“Well, I didn’t fucking shave it off!”
He snort laughed again. “Hold still,” he said when he was finished laughing. “Let me look at the mask.”
I stood there while he inspected me. “Okay. I think I see how to get it off. You pull from the front at the same time I pull from the back. Ready?”
I nodded.
“On three. One, two, three.”
Both of us pulled the mask. Finally, it came off, making a loud, squelching sound. “It was stuck to me. Gross!”
My hair fell down around my shoulders and down my back. My face felt moist and clammy, and my eyes had been exposed to such a small amount of light that the condo felt insanely bright. I blinked at Reynolds. He was fuzzy around the edges. “I think that thing smooshed my eyes. I can barely see.”
Reynolds nodded, his hands on his hips, as he tried to look serious.
I looked at him accusingly. “I’m not stupid, Reynolds. I can tell you’re still trying not to laugh.”
He burst out again while I rolled my eyes. The motion hurt, and I covered them with my palm for a minute. “If you thought it was so hilarious, why’d you order this hideous thing for me to wear?”
He stopped laughing. “Wait …what?”
“The costume Reynolds! If you didn’t want to have sex with a creepy alien, why’d you buy it?”
He was silent. I took my hand away from my eyes. I could see a little better now. He looked completely gobsmacked. “Nadine, I didn’t order that.”
My eyebrows flew up to my hairline. “What now?”
“I thought you did. I thought you were into some really freaky shit…”
“I thought you were! Oh, you’re lying. You wanted to have weird alien sex, didn’t you, Reynolds? And now you’re embarrassed to admit it. You didn’t know how fucking awful the costume would look on a real person, and you laughed at me.” The threat of tears made me stop talking.
“Hey, hey,” he walked over and pulled me into a hug. “Don’t cry. I’m so sorry I laughed at you. I just couldn’t help it. That costume is something else.”
“I know! Imagine how I felt when I took it out of the box. At least you didn’t have to wear it!”
He held me and let me calm down without saying much. He just rubbed my back. It felt good, even through the synthetic fabric of the alien costume. I reached my hand up to tuck my hair behind my ear, forgetting I was still wearing the alien hands.
My eyes shot to Reynolds’ face. He was turning red from choking back laughter.
“Oh, just let it out,” I snarled at him as I jerked the hands off and threw them across the room. I flung myself on the bed.
“Sorry, baby,” he said, pulling the alien feet off as a peace offering. “Look, I really didn’t order this. Are you saying you didn’t, either?”
I rolled over to look at him. “Of course not. Why would I order something like this?”
“You’re the one who’s into role play sex,” he said.
I gasped. “I am not. That’s you!”
He gaped at me. “I’m not at all. Or at least I wasn’t before you wore that maid outfit. That was so fucking hot. And the cheerleader.” He groaned and laid back on the bed. “It’s making me hard just thinking about it.”
“Well, look at me now. That’ll cure you.”
He chuckled. “You’re still kind of hot. Like, if anyone could make an alien look hot, it would be you.”
“Thanks,” I said. “That would be even sweeter of you if you hadn’t just spent half an hour laughing uproariously at the sight of me in it.”
He sucked in a breath, trying hard not to laugh again. “Who says uproariously, Nadine?”
I stuck my nose in the air. “I’ve been expanding my vocabulary horizons, Reynolds. But we weren’t talking about that. We were talking about how you made me feel stupid by laughing at me.”
He grinned. “Sorry. I might have held it together, but that voice. Was that supposed to be Yoda?”
“Yes,” I sniffed. “I thought it was pretty good.” I didn’t. I knew it was awful.
He couldn’t quit smiling thinking about it.
“You didn’t order any of the costumes?” I asked.
He shook his head. “You’re saying you didn’t, either.”
“Right. So, who did?” I gasped. “Do you think they were delivered to the wrong condo? What if one of the other Cinnamon Girls is the one who’s freaky… wait, no. My name was on the box.”
Reynolds stared at me, wide-eyed. “I don’t have a clue.” He paused and frowned. “Why did you think I was into role playing?”
“Carmen said you were. She said you wanted it put on your auction form.”
“No. I specifically told Leo I didn’t want it on my form…” he covered his face and groaned. “Fucking Leo! Leo Salazar is doing this shit.”
I gave him a doubtful look. “What would Leo do that?”
“Because he wants you for himself. He was probably thinking we’d gross each other out with the alien costume and wouldn’t be into each other anymore.”
“But why would he send the maid and cheerleader costumes? Those had the opposite effect.”
“I don’t know. But remind me to thank him. Those were two of the best sexual experiences of my life, angel.”
I smiled a little shyly. “They were pretty awesome, huh?”
“You have no idea.”
“I kinda do,” I laughed. “We had sex for almost twenty-four hours straight both times.”
Reynolds adjusted himself. “Damn. Maybe you should put one of those on right now.”
I barely heard him. I sat straight up in bed.
“That’s what I’m talking about, honey. Surprise me. Don’t tell me which one you’re putting on…”
“Hush. That’s not what I’m talking about. I think I know why he sent those first. If he’d sent the alien first, there’s no way in hell I would’ve actually put it on. I would have told you I wasn’t into it, and we would have figured it out right then and there.”
He pointed at me. “You’re right. God. He’s diabolical. By sending two that would turn anybody on, we both bought that the other one was into dressing up for sex.”
I nodded. Then I looked at him. “I am kind of into it now, though. I mean, within reason. Like if you wanted to dress up like a cowboy or something, I wouldn’t be opposed to that.”
He pulled me in his lap, the slivery alien fabric leaving shiny fibers on his suit coat and pants. “A cowboy, huh?”
“Yeah, or maybe a cop or a fireman.” I tapped the side of my jaw. “Or a sexy professor,
maybe.”
“Not a hot politician?” His blue-gray eyes had a glint of humor in them.
“I already have one of those whenever I want him.” I winked at him. I hoped all the red
lines from the rubbery mask had faded.
He got a thoughtful look on his face. “You know we have to get Leo back, right?”
“Of course,” I said, then frowned. “But we have to wait for the perfect time.”
“I agree. Now, let me take this off you, baby,” he said, pulling on my weird alien dress.
I let him.
And soon the hideous alien look was all but forgotten as we got lost in each other.