CHAPTER 12
“S he almost kissed you?” Gwen asked her.
“Not exactly,” Elisa replied. “She asked me if I felt it, too, and I froze.”
“Oh, no…” Gwen said as they walked. “Marvin, chill!” she commanded the terrier, who was attempting to run ahead of all the dogs despite being on the leash. “Why is it always the smallest dogs who think they’re the biggest?” Gwen asked.
“He’s cute,” Elisa noted.
“He’s a pain, but yeah, he’s cute. He really is the kind of dog who thinks he’s over a hundred pounds, though, when he’s only about eleven. He’s also the loudest barker of all of them, and it’s that yappy kind of bark. If you ever get a dog, please don’t get a yapper.”
“Your brother is allergic,” she replied.
“Yeah, and you and my brother are divorced . You have your own house now, and as far as I know, the twins aren’t allergic.”
“They’re not, luckily.”
“Can I tell you that one of my favorite things to do is to hug my brother after I get off work and watch him sneeze and sniffle repeatedly? It’s not like his allergies are severe enough to kill him.
He just doesn’t like showing any weakness, and to him, allergies are a weakness, so I love making him sneeze. ” Gwen laughed.
“Gwen!” Elisa said, laughing, too.
“What? He’s looked down on me my entire life.
On top of that, he hates my job, and it’s my job, not his.
Outside of the yappers who think they’re badasses on leashes, I love my job.
I love animals, and I get paid to spend time with them.
Plus, I don’t have a ton of student loans that likely would’ve come with being a vet because my parents wouldn’t have paid for vet school.
I wouldn’t have been considered a real doctor to them.
Annabelle always told me to at least be a vet – like, if I was going to do something with animals, I might as well be a veterinarian, but even if I wanted that, I couldn’t handle it.
I don’t even know how vets handle it. I get too attached to these little guys.
Marvin, quiet,” Gwen added that last part to the terrier, who had started yapping at one of the four dogs she was walking.
There was him, the golden retriever named Flash, the gray mutt who was about thirty pounds named Wolf, and the poodle named Snookie, which was definitely a name choice.
“I haven’t thought about getting a dog. It’s too late now, though, right? The kids are leaving soon. What’s the point?”
“Elisa, the dog wouldn’t be for the kids.
It would be for you . The point is to do things for yourself for once.
I know this is a new concept for you, but I can help you find a great dog to be a fun companion when you’re alone in that house that’s all yours.
Unless you’re no longer in need of a companion because Myra is moving in tomorrow,” Gwen teased.
“I can’t afford a dog right now,” she said, ignoring the comment about Myra because if she acknowledged it, Gwen would only continue to mock her.
“We’d get you one from the shelter. Then, it’s just food and toys, really.”
“And vet bills,” Elisa pointed out.
“They would be fixed and have their shots at the shelter already, and they go through basic exams there, too. So, yeah, you’d have vet bills for yearly shots and if they get sick, but that shouldn’t happen right away, depending on the dog you pick out.
” When Gwen paused and stopped walking abruptly, the dogs, who had been minding their own business, stopped as well and turned in unison to see what was going on before they began sniffing the sidewalk.
“Aren’t you still on Archie’s benefits?”
“Until I get my own, yes.”
“Well, I bet his are good enough to offer pet insurance, right?”
“I have no idea. I’ve never thought to ask.”
“This would be hilarious.” Gwen laughed a little. “Have him pay for a dog he can’t actually have.”
“You’re terrible, you know that?” Elisa replied, laughing along with her.
“Nah, it’s all stuff that doesn’t really impact him much.
He sniffles for an hour after I leave; that’s all.
He probably won’t even notice the pet insurance thing.
It’s more that you are doing it and getting that small bit of revenge on him for being an asshole that keeps me going.
I love him because he’s my brother, but I wouldn’t voluntarily hang out with him.
In fact, the only times I’ve seen him in the past two to three years have been because you’re my friend more than he is.
I haven’t been by the house since you moved out, not even to see the kids because they’re here most of the time. ”
“My divorce is really working out for you , huh?” Elisa joked.
“Yes, obviously,” Gwen replied, winking at her. “And it should be for you , too. What happened with Myra?”
Gwen started walking again, and Elisa joined her.
“I told you; I froze. Then, the food arrived, and we ate dinner in near silence. I think I asked her to pass the barbecue sauce once.”
“Wow! She was awkward, too?”
“Yeah,” she replied with a sigh. “I think she was awkward because I was, though. It was like we had forgotten how to talk to one another, even though we’ve been having such a good flow to our conversations since we met.”
“So, it was like a first date, then? Maybe a first blind date where you don’t know the other person, and you’re not sure how to talk to them?”
“I suppose,” she said. “It was more like she knew something about me that she didn’t before, and she wasn’t sure how to act with that new information in her head. I screwed up, didn’t I?”
“What? Why?”
“Because she asked me a very important question, and I didn’t answer her. I was shaking so hard; I’m sure she could see it. Hell, she could probably feel it even when we weren’t touching.”
“Does she know you’ve never been with a woman?”
“Yes, I revealed that along with the fact that I’m gay. I’m sure that was the part that scared her off.”
“Scared her?”
“Yeah, the whole awkward thing we’re talking about right now, Gwen.”
“Well, it might have been awkward, but she still stayed. You two had dinner. It sounds like neither of you was brave enough to bring up the little moment you two had, but she didn’t flee or anything, and she lives right next door, Elisa.
She could’ve easily left you with that food, making up some excuse to go home, but she stuck around.
You told me she left after dinner and even took the trash out for you. ”
“She did,” Elisa said with a smile. “She felt bad because the to-go containers filled up the can in the kitchen, so she took it out when she left.”
“So, she sat through an awkward dinner, probably waiting for you to bring it up. You were waiting for her to do that, and neither of you did.”
“I thought she’d say something to me.”
“And she thought you ’d say something to her ,” Gwen said as she laughed. “It’s like high school, where you like each other, but you’re too scared to tell the other person in case they don’t like you back and you’d have to see them every day in the halls or at the football games or something.”
“She does live next door. It would be awkward.”
“She almost kissed you, Elisa.”
“Until she didn’t. She could tell how nervous I was and didn’t.”
“Okay. Then, why were you so nervous?”
“My first kiss with a woman, Gwen. God, who wouldn’t be nervous about that? And it’s not like I’m a teenager or in college. I’m a thirty-eight-year-old woman who’s never kissed another woman before. Hell, I’ve only been with one man my whole life.”
“So? Plenty of women come out late in life. And we’ve talked about this before, so there’s more to it that you’re not telling me, isn’t there?”
Elisa sighed and said, “Myra is experienced.”
“Yeah. So?”
“No, I mean she’s experienced . She’s been with a lot of women.”
“She’s your age, right? That makes sense to me. Not all of us get married to the first person we’ve slept with, Elisa. Most people don’t these days, I’d imagine.”
“She told me she used to go out and pick women up all the time.”
“Okay?” Gwen asked more than said, and they stopped walking when Flash found the spot he wanted to pee on and lifted his leg. “Are you one of those people who don’t think women can like sex or something?”
“Well, I’ve never liked it, but no.” Elisa shook her head. “I think it’s great. It was just a game to her, though. She liked picking women up and sleeping with them.”
“Oh. She’s one of those?”
“I don’t think she is anymore. She fell in love with her ex-wife, and that woman did a number on her, but Myra hasn’t been with anyone since their divorce, and that was years ago now. She said she’s done with all that game stuff.”
“Then, what’s the problem?”
“I’ve only ever kissed three guys. The first one was in eighth grade and doesn’t really count because it was a peck, and he ran away right after and never talked to me again.
The second was at the end of prom night.
He wanted more than a kiss, and I said goodnight.
The third is your brother, and I don’t think we’ve kissed in maybe five years. ”
“What? Really?”
“It’s not like I wanted to. And I’m not sure he really did, either, but I haven’t even kissed another person in five years. I’ve never been with a woman before, and Myra has probably been with dozens, maybe. She made it sound like she did this for a while, and she’s been out for a long time.”
“Well, I think you should talk to her about how you’re feeling and whatever your concerns are. Is it that she’s been with that many women?”
“No, I don’t care about that,” she replied. “I’m a little jealous, honestly.”
They started walking again once Flash was finished but stopped only a few steps later when Marvin needed to go as well.
“Jealous?” Gwen laughed.
“She’s been with a woman before. God, I want that. I’ve wanted that since I knew what sex was, and I’m jealous of any woman who’s been with a woman.”
“So, me?” Gwen asked.
“Yes, you,” she said as she laughed. “What’s it like?”
“Sex with a woman?”
“Yes.”
“Depends on the woman. I’ve had great sex, and I’ve had awful sex. The best sex I’ve ever had was with Angie, though, and we were great in bed but nowhere else, so not sure what that says.”
“I want both,” Elisa replied.
“So, I’m guessing you’re more worried that Myra might have expectations in that department.”
“Yes. But that’s not even something I should be worried about because she pulled away before she kissed me.”
“Okay, you’re killing me here. You divorce my brother, somehow find an eligible lesbian living next door, and she’s into you. You have no idea how lucky you are. I’ve been out forever, and I’m single with no prospects.”
Elisa laughed, and they walked on.
“I’m nervous, Gwen. I’m not like you. I’ve been cloistered in that house, feeling unloved and undesired for decades now.
He never wanted me. He wanted a girlfriend back then for sex more than anything else.
You know that. He felt stuck after I got pregnant, and so did I, but neither of us knew how to get unstuck.
No one has ever wanted me . He’s always wanted sex, and on his terms. It was never about me.
I can’t recall a single time when he called me sexy or told me that he wanted me .
I’ve never had a chance to date someone whom I could possibly fall in love with and have them want to kiss me, want to touch me, and maybe even want to fall in love with me.
I’m a thirty-eight-year-old who’s never been in love, but I’ve also never been desired or wanted. ”
Gwen gave her a sympathetic smile and said, “I’m sorry that my brother is how he is. I’m sorry that my mom did what she did. I wish I could go back in time and somehow change things for you, but–”
“But that would mean I wouldn’t have Adele and AJ.” Elisa smiled over at her. “And I wouldn’t take them back for anything.”
“Neither would I,” Gwen replied. “But I still think they both would have to agree with me when I say that you have done enough sacrificing for them and for my idiot brother, Elisa. You deserve to be happy, and it seems like you’re at least interested in the girl next door.” Gwen smirked at her.
“She’s beautiful,” Elisa said. “She’s got these long, black braids that I pictured…”
Gwen stopped walking and asked, “Pictured doing what, exactly?”
“Pictured fanning out over a pillow.”
“Oh. I thought you were going to say something sexy. Now I’m disappointed.”
“With me on top of her and possibly doing things.”
Gwen laughed a little and said, “Things? What kind of things, Elisa?”
“The things I’ve only ever imagined doing to another woman,” she replied.
“I’ll let you off the hook for now,” Gwen said, shaking her head. “But I think you should be able to say those things out loud if you’re going to be doing those things soon.”
“Soon? Where are you getting the idea that I’ll be doing those things soon ? I just told you how hard I was shaking. It was like I couldn’t control my own body.”
“Why is that a bad thing?” Gwen suggested.
“Because she pulled back. ”
“I bet if you would’ve told her that you were nervous, she would’ve understood.”
“I’m sure she would have.”
“Just because you kiss a woman doesn’t mean you have to sleep with her, Elisa. And just because she buys you dinner doesn’t mean you owe her a goodnight kiss. Just talk to her and explain what happened. See what she wants to do.”
“Fine. I will be reluctantly mature, but I won’t be happy about it.”
Gwen laughed again, and they continued walking until all the dogs had done their business for the time being.
Then, Elisa drove Gwen to each house to return the dogs and back to her own house, where Gwen’s car had been parked in the driveway since she had met Elisa there that morning.
When she pulled in next to it, Elisa caught sight of Myra, who was at her truck, unloading wood and tools.
“Is that her?” Gwen asked as she looked over.
“Yes, that’s her.”
“Damn. She is hot. She’s got that sexy butch thing going for her,” Gwen noted.
“I told you so.”
“You should definitely go for it,” Gwen encouraged.
“Get out of my car and go home.” Elisa laughed.
“Call me later and tell me how it goes,” Gwen said before she leaned over and kissed Elisa on the cheek.
“I will,” she replied.
They both got out, and Elisa watched Gwen get into her own car.
She waved at her as she drove away and turned to Myra, but all she saw was a pile of wood in the grass between their driveways and no toolbox.
Elisa wasn’t expecting her for another hour, so she assumed Myra was changing or doing something at her own house before coming over, but she thought Myra would at least say hello to her before doing that.
She took a deep breath and decided that she would talk to her now instead of waiting until Myra was technically on the clock.
“Here we go,” she said to herself.