Chapter 17
Aurora
After Creed’s session kissing my body and I realized I wasn’t as broken as I’d thought… Well, I realized a lot.
Like I had no idea what I was doing.
Alexis seemed amused as she sat and waited at the same coffee shop for me as our first meeting alone. This time I had demanded she meet me and give me the answers I needed since she was the one who started all of this and now I was unlocked.
“Care to explain?” she chuckled as I sat down, already having my drink and what I liked to eat waiting for me.
I blinked at what was sitting in front of me. “This is very kind of you. Thank you, Alexis.”
She gave me a knowing smile. “It’s rather common between friends.
Real friends. All the friends in my circle would do the same.
It’s how I know whether to keep someone in my circle and spend my limited time on them.
If they can’t do something so simple as to order for me as well if they arrive first—why would I want them in my life? ”
“Thank you,” I whispered, hearing the lesson and taking it to heart. “I will remember this.”
“We all have needed the help. Just as you are planning to help others with their nutrition and meal needs. I’ve let a lot of that slide like Ellie, so honestly we’re both relieved.
” She gave a half shrug when I frowned. “We have money and can buy or order whatever, but it’s a lot to keep up with.
It gets old fast. You are not just food, but a person who would manage that—”
“I understand,” I accepted and I did. We weren’t just planning a meal service but a whole concept of reinventing that sort of system without paying as much as a personal chef. We were going to offer variety but also remember clients’ preferences, issues, and any allergies.
We were going to be their… Housewives sounded condescending, especially when we were marketing to women who were too busy to start. But we were going to give that much care.
“So what are we discussing today?” she asked.
I heard her again. She was busy or had a busy day, so get to it because she made time for me since I mattered but couldn’t give me all of the time in her day.
Which was how I focused on what I had in front of me and very ungraciously blurted out what had happened.
“You have a good one there,” she purred with a smirk.
“I heard lions were like that, but it’s good to know.
” She chuckled when I huffed but then frowned.
“Aurora, that was huge progress for you, especially after you just told me how scared you were and it almost ruined your fancy dinner. Please see that as progress.”
I opened my mouth but then closed it and growled. “I need like an outline, Alexis. I need like buoys for my new life. I’m…”
“What, hon?” she whispered, realizing this was more than she’d understood.
“I committed such sins when I tried to navigate too much on my own,” I rasped as the past assaulted me. I quickly wiped my eyes and cleared my throat. “I don’t want to make new mistakes with Creed on stuff this time.”
I was shocked when Alexis gave me a pained look. One of knowing.
One of regret. She’d done exactly what I was worried about. She’d hurt someone close to her in her journey to heal.
She blew out a harsh breath when she realized I knew.
“We’re not here to talk about me, but one day I clearly still need someone to talk with who would understand.
” She gave a dark chuckle and focused out the window.
“Many women experience horrors they shouldn’t, but ours are very specific and more monstrous than others. ”
“That they are.” I reached over and patted her hand but left it at that. She said she wasn’t ready. “I’m here when you are ready. I feel like I’m stealing Ellie’s friend, but there’s no reason we can’t both be in your life.”
“No, no, there’s not, and honestly you’ve been as much help to me as I have been to you.
” She quickly moved on before I could ask what she meant by that.
“Therapy and the help you’re receiving is focused on you.
All good. All needed. I’m going to go against that a bit because I lived what you’re worried about and it set me back horribly. ”
More than that. It left deep scars on her. I could see them as much as I could the deep olive of her suit.
Poor woman.
“I’m going to sound like I’m advocating for Creed or on his side.
I’m not. I’m giving you the pitfalls, and—most therapists wouldn’t want you to be in a relationship yet.
You know this.” She waited until I nodded.
“That’s not an option with the way you’re all hearts and glitter for him.
So let’s make sure you don’t make the mistakes of my past.”
“Please,” I whispered, hoping she really did have the answers for me.
“But first, you seem to still hold onto certain things like it’s a myth, Aurora,” she said gently. “I orgasm. I get wet. Women really, really do these things. I enjoy sex. I fucking love sex. Love it. Crave it. I am not—nor would I—lying to you about something so important.”
I studied her and everything told me she was being completely honest. I let out a long shaky breath. “Okay, tell me—help me, please, Alexis.”
“I got you,” She promised.
And she did.
She outlined how the next steps would be best for me. It was normal to associate penetration with pain.
So get around that. See the passion and pleasure before taking that step.
Hands on me could trigger me, so maybe it wasn’t the best path for therapy, but the kissing my body was great. It had worked, so go forward with it.
And show Creed I wanted to. He had to be hurt that I didn’t want him the way he did me and all I saw was fear and dread about us being together physically. That damaged a man and especially one with Creed’s past.
Also, clearly the past of the man who Alexis was holding onto.
I listened and took it all in. Adjusting one of the things she said.
“Good, good,” she praised me. “That was what I was going to bring up next. Try and identify what could be a trigger for you. It’s a fucking minefield and I’m not downplaying that.
Some you might not ever get over. I still can’t be on all fours during sex for a man.
I can’t.” She swallowed loudly and focused back out the window.
“More than understandable,” I told her.
“I know, but it’s been so long and it’s hard not to get upset with myself. I know it’s valid, but I want to be free of it all.”
“Not just you, but you were the one who said to give myself grace, Alexis. Give it to yourself. You are a hero to many of us. So what if you cannot have sex in that position? Any man worth your time should understand that. You just said the same to me.”
I swallowed a gasp when I saw the worry in her eyes.
She was speaking of someone specific… And I would gather it was an issue.
Oh dear.
We talked about what had triggered her after all she’d been through that had caught her off guard. A few things definitely resonated. It was beyond helpful, but then her phone beeped with a notification and she apologized that she had to go for court.
I grabbed her wrist but then let go. “When you’re ready, I’m here to listen to your full story as you have mine, Alexis. You have moved on beautifully and I aspire to be like you, but don’t ever forget what you have survived. You deserve that honor, not to forget it all.”
She took in a slow breath and let it out before meeting my gaze. “You are a much better woman than I ever gave you credit for, Aurora. Thank you. Truly. I will think on what you said, and good luck with conquering your first hurdle. I have faith you can.”
That meant a lot coming from her. It really did.
And it gave me courage.
I went shopping with one of the female guards Ellie had hired to watch over me and the other Graves women who were recently given their freedom. Apparently, a company that solely hired female guards had reached out and offered their services at a discounted rate given the situation.
There was much more to it, but I didn’t understand it all. Ellie and Theresa both agreed they were on the up and up and their company could use the exposure after the sexism of that industry had hurt them. So it was win-win.
But they had been less than thrilled when I’d checked with Creed.
Yes, well, he was to be my mate and this would be someone around him as well. Of course I should have checked. It didn’t mean I doubted them or needed to ask his permission. It was simply how relationships worked.
Even I knew that and I’d been bought and forced to marry.
I was grateful when Ha-joon had interjected that he’d be upset if Ellie had hired a guard from a company and not even discussed it with him. Someone new in his life and he didn’t have a say in it like she didn’t trust his judgment.
Exactly. That was exactly it and I thanked him, glad when they both backed off.
Brats. Seriously, they were both a bit too bratty at times.
But after I mulled over what Alexis said, her words and faith giving me courage, I decided to just jump right into moving forward with the man who said he loved me.
No, the man who did love me. I felt it. I knew he was true in his words.
“How was shopping?” Creed asked as he worked on something. “My stomach is growling at whatever I’m smelling.” He shot me a quick look but then reached for his drink. “Leave the bags and I’ll be there in two seconds. I just want to finish—”
“I would like more of the kissing,” I blurted. “On my body. What you offered last night. I would like that kissing. The kissing you said you would do if I was ready. I think I’m ready.” I huffed and tried to channel Alexis. “I’m ready to try it with you. The oral sex.”
Creed dropped the mug he’d been holding as his mouth fell open. I winced when it shattered on the floor knowing that was going to be a mess with his sweet coffee he liked and I’d really liked the mug.
But it was absolutely my fault given how crass I’d behaved.
I yelped as I was suddenly in his arms and we were moving towards the bedroom. He ripped his shirt again getting it off and started growling his words.
And I couldn’t hide my fear. He was acting too… I wasn’t sure the word. Aggressive? No, he clearly wasn’t threatening me.
I had no idea how to characterize it, but he seemed to hear me or sense my worry because he instantly calmed down and regained his sanity. He took in and let out a few breaths and explained.
Which I adored him for. He always did. He didn’t brush things off or ignore anything and that was…
Amazing. Especially after what I’d been through, but I’d heard several times from other women in relationships that they were jealous that he always addressed things and handled any matter even if it was small.
I was a lucky woman.
And that was before I experienced how ridiculously pleasurable having Creed kiss and lick my body was. Nothing could ever compare to that.
Except he said sex could. I couldn’t fathom that, and I was glad that he admitted he didn’t know from the women’s perspective, but he would always, always make sure I had as much enjoyment from oral sex as I could handle.
I replied something crass about getting that in our mating agreement.
Luckily, Creed found me amusing and promised he’d write that part in his blood so I knew he was serious. Silly man.
But it helped me trust him. He was so genuine and adamant in this area—even more than normal—that I had faith in him that we could be normal.
Better than normal even.
Which helped us progress.
I received another round of oral sex before bed, and he also showed me why I wanted to be braless around him. I was completely convinced.
He woke me asking if he could touch me with his fingers and he wouldn’t penetrate me. It was very pleasurable and then I received more oral sex.
Except I didn’t want it to be all about me.
And unfortunately, I didn’t pay attention as I should because I received quite the shock when I tried to touch him and found something too massive.
Way too massive given how small I was. I’d experienced so much pain from men and none were Creed’s size.
Which made me a horrible idiot for never having considered that all of his anatomy would be that large. I almost burst out into tears but Creed was… Creed.
“That’s why I said we couldn’t just jump into sex anyways, Aurora,” he whispered as he kissed my closed eyes. “I promise you that it will be fine. I know it will be.”
What he said hit me hard and I pushed at his chest until he moved away. He flinched when he saw the anger in my eyes.
“Yes, you have so much knowledge from all those other women you’ve bedded. I understand.” I huffed when he simply smiled at me.
Bastard.
“Wait, wait,” he begged when I hurried to cover up and get out bed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you jealous, but—you are only jealous because you see me as a man, Aurora. A lover and when you didn’t before, so that’s…”
I sighed and stopped fleeing, understanding where his head was. It was valid even.
More than valid given how horribly I’d acted before with hoping he was gay so I could have all of the benefits of being in his life without dealing with his needs. It was overly selfish for sure.
“Fine, I understand, and apparently I am a jealous, petty person,” I grumbled. “But that doesn’t change the fact that your anatomy will never fit inside of mine without too much pain, Creed.” I hated when my eyes burned with tears.
“It will,” he whispered as he hugged me to him.
“I—we’ll make it work, Aurora. If we can get past what we have and the miracle of finding such a good partnership, we will get past this.
” He kissed my shoulder. “Or we’ll never have sex again after mating.
We will just stay here. I swear it. If you hate having sex or it hurts, then this is all we’ll do. ”
“That’s not enough for you.”
“It is. It is when it’s you. I swear it. I’m so ridiculously happy with our life together already. I want everything with you, and if that means everything but that type of sex—so be it. The rest is beyond perfect, and I know you’ll still take care of me with your hand.”
Or mouth. I could practically hear the rest of that.
But I didn’t know if I could do that either after all I’d been through.
He whispered sweetly in my ear until I calmed down. I apologized for throwing a fit and tried to believe him.
That night he showed me how good the next step was. Even if it was just his fingers, it was nothing like how I’d been touched before. It was terrifying to be penetrated by even fingers, but… It was Creed.
It was something new to experience and share with him.
And that was what I kept hanging onto as I plowed forward so he could have what he needed so he could be safe.