4. Chapter 4
I heaved a great sigh under the covers, face down.
Dry.
It was my first concrete thought as I registered the feel of my left cheek buried into the pillow.
A little rough-textured and scratchy.
But dry.
I tentatively sniffed the pillow. It didn’t smell like vomit or sweat or any of the other horrific things I’d experienced in the past … how many hours, or days? I had no idea.
I slowly turned my head and braced myself for the onslaught of light. Reluctantly, I opened one eye at a time. Swallowing felt impossible. I managed to rise, bracing myself with my hands, and then reached over to the nightstand for some water. My brow wrinkled as I saw the ice cubes floating in it.
I stilled. Someone had been in here recently.
After taking a quick sip, I grabbed my phone off the nightstand and sunk back under the covers. If my roommates came in, I’d feign sleep again. It wouldn’t be a tough sell, surely, if I’d been passed out for … how long ?
I turned on my phone screen and saw ... Friday, March 26, 9:13 am.
Friday? I searched my brain frantically. I’d fallen ill on Tuesday. According to my phone, it was now Friday.
According to my phone. As if my phone is lying to me. What is wrong with—
Before I could sink into negative thoughts again, I watched as my unread text notifications appeared.
I searched the list for one name, and my breath hitched when I didn’t see it.
Brandon hadn’t texted? I looked at the notification list again—no voicemails either?
Rainn said Brandon hadn’t stopped by, but maybe he’d been at work. Rafael might have seen him.
He must have tried to see me. Or talk.
He cares about me. He does. Maybe even loves me.
Why did I sound like I was trying to convince myself, when there was never any doubt before? I exhaled sharply, my lips downturned in disgust.
Before I could continue this dark line of thinking, my stomach filled with dread as I read one of the waiting messages.
Jacqueline
Anastasia, darling, you haven’t rung me in so long.
I closed my eyes, as though I could shut out the feelings, but it only brought them into sharper focus.
My mother was the very, very last person I needed to hear from right now.
Or ever. There was no way on earth I’d be calling her back today.
She would only make me feel worse about myself and then do what narcissists do best—turn all the attention onto herself.
She was toxic, to put it mildly, and I’d decided years ago to stop indulging her.
But it was easier said than done .
With a grimace, I deleted the message and started scrolling through the rest of the notifications before hearing a knock at the door.
I quickly hid under the covers, face down while trying to breathe evenly to feign sleep.
I couldn’t help but notice how fresh the top blanket smelled.
Clearly my roommates had gone to the trouble of laundering everything while I was passed out.
I could tell by the footsteps that it was Rafael.
He was a dancer, his steps graceful and dramatic.
He always sounded like he was floating across the floor.
Besides, Rainn would be at work by now. I sensed Rafael standing by the bed for a moment, presumably assessing the situation, and then he floated out of the room.
After hearing the door close, I breathed a sigh of relief. This was beyond ridiculous, hiding from my roommates, but I needed time. Alone. I couldn’t face their questions, their pitying expressions, their advice.
My phone buzzed.
Jacqueline
Anastasia? You need to get better. I am losing my patience, and you know I’m usually the most patient person.
What the heck? How does Mom know I’m sick?
Annie
Apparently you’re aware I’m sick. I can’t control that, Mom.
Jacqueline
I had to get in contact with your roommate, the flamboyant one. He told me you have the sniffles or something. You always were so melodramatic.
Annie
That’s offensive, Mom. You know Rafael’s name.
Jacqueline
It’s immaterial. I need you to help me find a position for Caroline in St. Paul. She’ll be finishing her residency soon, and her husband wants to move there for some odd reason.
Annie
Who is Caroline?
Never mind. I’m not doing this now. I’m sick. This can wait.
I saw another new text notification but shut off the phone screen before I could read it, placing the phone back on the nightstand.
Burying myself back under the covers yet again, I waited for the tears to fall. I needed to cry, didn’t I? What a pathetic state I was in, what a terrible week this had been. But I couldn’t feel. My eyes were as dry as my newly pressed top sheets.
When had I ever been so steeped in misery that I couldn’t even cry? I had always been an expressive person. I was always—
Well, except then .
The other time, when there were no more tears left. No more booze. No more pills. No more love. No more anything, except numbness.
It was emptiness.
It was life without him.
It was life without us.
The biggest mistake of my life.
A life, now empty .
All empty, all agony.
No hope.
But it can’t be agony if it’s numb, right?
I pushed the searing, long buried thoughts aside and focused on the large ceiling tiles above me, meditating on their dull white pattern. I turned to my side, pressing my cheek into the pillow and giving in to the bleakness of dry eyes, of having nothing left to feel.
Or nothing I had to acknowledge.
Numb.
Good.
Beep.
“Let me try it, just in case you did it wrong.”
Beep.
“OK, 98.4.”
I swatted their hands away from my forehead.
“Ouch!”
“Our girl has her strength back.”
I pulled the covers over my head, burrowing deep within.
If I ignore them, they’ll go away. It’s worked for, what, three days now? Something like that. Or maybe four by now.
Who knows. Who cares.
“Annie, if you don’t come out of hiding, we’re coming in.”
They wouldn’t dare.
But they would. Before I had a chance to rethink my plan, I felt the weight of the two men on the bed, joining me under the covers.
“Hey, girl,” said Rafael, cozying up to me on my right, nose to nose, while Rainn arranged himself snugly on my left.
It’s a good thing I had zero attraction to either of these guys (and the feeling was mutual), or else this would’ve been pretty awkward for all involved.
At one time I decided I should be into Rainn, who was straight and admittedly hot and thought the same about me, but our one attempt at dating was a massive failure.
Zero sparks. Less than zero, even. He made an awesome BFF though.
Co-BFF, that is. Rafael and I went way back, and if friends could be soulmates, he would be mine.
But he’d been in a serious relationship for quite a while, so he wasn’t available as often now.
It had, in truth, been a good opportunity to get closer to Rainn.
He and I were like night and day, yet somehow as friends we just clicked.
It didn’t help that he was the sweetest guy in the universe.
But right now, I didn’t want the company of my friends. Or anyone. I needed to be left alone.
“Guys, I—” I coughed, clearing my throat of all the days’ worth of sleepy mucus or whatever it was that built up in people’s throats when they’re sick. “Guys, I mean this in the best possible way, but please, get lost. Leave me to my misery.”
Rainn’s arms wrapped around me from behind. “Nope.”
Rafael spoke softly. “We have left you alone. For too long, I think. It’s time to rejoin the world. You don’t have a fever, and you’re coherent. You’re not looking or smelling like death, as far as I can tell, though it is hard to see under here. But you still haven’t showered, have you?”
I felt panic rising within me. “Guys, please. I just need you to leave me alone. Get out —”
And that’s when my voice broke, and my eyes burned. Shudders wracked my weakened frame, and I was helpless to do anything but ride them out as Rainn held me tight, as Rafael took my hand in his. With his other hand, he gently wiped the lone tear streaming down my cheek toward the pillow.
No one spoke.
It might have been an hour or two, lying together, just like that.
Or ten minutes. I had no idea. When Rafael finally flipped the blanket up, I was relieved to feel the air on my skin.
Adjusting to the light was a bit more difficult though.
I squinted, noting that the sun was rising and realizing I’d slept another 24 hours.
I vaguely remembered taking more cold meds despite not really needing them anymore. At least not for my physical symptoms .
I sat up slowly, relieved to find that my head wasn’t pounding. Rainn propped up some pillows behind me as Rafael left the room, saying something about food.
When he returned, he carried in a massive tray of breakfast foods. “They’re all cold now, but oh well.”
“Aww, guys, you didn’t have to …” I trailed off, biting my lip. “I’m not sure if I’m even hungry.”
“Oh, it’s not just for you,” Rafael said, tilting his head as he eyed the selection. “I’m ravenous.”
“Same,” Rainn said, grabbing some cold sausage links from the tray. “I forgot to eat before running this morning.”
“There will probably be no food left for you, Annie,” Rafael said, his eyes twinkling.
My mouth twitched at the corners. “Fine, I guess I’d better take a bite of something before it’s too late.
” I grabbed a piece of toast, nibbling on the edge.
What was the last thing I’d eaten? Had I eaten at all?
I sighed. So much about the past few days was a blur.
But that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.
I’d intended to take only a few bites of toast, but I promptly devoured a whole slice. My appetite now stimulated, I gazed at the tray, deciding whether to have more toast or a boiled egg.
“Talk to us, Annie.”
My stomach sank at my oldest friend’s words, and my gaze as well as my hands dropped to my lap.
“Fine.”