16. Rosa
16
ROSA
A cross the beach, the fire pits flickered, their red-orange glow painting dancing shadows on the sand, the logs crackling and sending showers of copper sparks into the night sky. Stars, like diamond dust scattered across a never-ending indigo canvas, twinkled above. The moon cast its silvery light on the dark, undulating sea, creating a shimmering pathway to the distant, hazy horizon. The salty tang of the sea air mingled with the wood smoke — a warm, comforting scent.
Most of the villagers had gone home now or made their way to one of the village pubs, but Rosa and Henry remained, sitting on a log that smelt of seaweed and smoke, while opposite them Christopher sat in a camping chair that Henry had found for him with Bobby at his feet. Vinnie was reclining on a picnic blanket on the sand. They all nursed cups of mulled cider and were relaxed and sated after a supper of fish and chips smothered in salt and vinegar that they’d eaten from the paper. It had been a wonderful day and Rosa had enjoyed herself; now she was sleepy and contented.
‘I have had the best time,’ Christopher said. ‘I’m very grateful to you three for involving me in your day.’ His voice wobbled and Rosa sat forwards.
‘Christopher, there’s no need to thank us. We’re friends and friends involve one another in things.’
‘It’s been some time since I’ve been involved in anything. It’s my fault, I know. After I lost Dolly, I shut myself away. I couldn’t bear to think that life could go on without her. I felt guilty for living, if that makes sense. Guilty that I was still here when she was gone. How could I get up every day, wash, eat and drink, walk in the fresh air when my beautiful girl was in the ground?’
‘Oh Christopher…’ Rosa shook her head. ‘It must be so hard.’
‘It is terrible and yet … I know she would want me to keep going. I always said to her that after I was gone from this world, she was to keep living and to make the most of every day. She was to enjoy herself for as long as she could because I couldn’t bear to know that she wasn’t happy.’ He rubbed his chest. ‘I wanted her to live. I always wanted to go first because I told her the thought of living without her was too awful to bear.’
‘That’s understandable,’ Henry said. ‘When you find the one, you don’t want to be without them.’ He glanced at Rosa and her breath caught in her throat.
‘Exactly that.’ Christopher gave a small nod. ‘Being without Dolly is painful. I miss her so much it’s a physical pain. But I can also hear her telling me I’d better not waste a day of life being sad because time waits for no one and I’ll be joining her soon enough.’ He reached down and patted Bobby’s head and the dog peered up at him, love and devotion in his dark eyes. ‘After I lost her … I shut myself away and lay in bed, wanting to give up, but then this little chap came and licked my face, my hands, my feet, and I knew I had to get up for his sake. I couldn’t lie there while he was hungry, thirsty, or in need of a visit to the garden. And so I got up, and I went about my day. I was like a zombie…’ He sighed. ‘But I did it. Then I did the same the next day and the day after that and soon a week had passed. I got through the next two weeks and the funeral and then six months had gone by. Now it’s been two years, and that seems incredible. How have my arms not held my Dolly for two whole years?’
They all fell silent as they contemplated Christopher’s question. His loneliness was palpable and Rosa wished she could help him heal his heart, but she also knew that while she could be there for him, she could never bring his Dolly back.
‘I decided when that thought hit me that it was time to clear the house,’ Christopher continued. ‘I went to the bookshop and met Rosa and now … I can hardly believe it, but I have three new friends. It’s almost like Dolly sent you to me so I could enjoy my final days.’
‘What do you mean final days?’ Vinnie’s voice rose, and he placed a hand on Christopher’s knee.
‘Just a figure of speech, lad.’ Christopher smiled. ‘I meant it as in … I know I don’t have long left but now I have friends who have encouraged me to attend the harvest festival and to eat, drink and be merry. And I have had a blast. Honestly … It means the world to me. You’ve been so kind looking out for me today and recently and I feel happy. It’s been a long time since I could say that. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.’ He placed a hand over his heart, and Rosa’s eyes stung. She felt like she would start sobbing at any moment, so when Henry reached over and took her hand, she flashed him a grateful smile.
‘It’s a pleasure, Christopher,’ Henry said. ‘We’re grateful for your friendship too.’
‘What do I have to offer?’
‘More than you know,’ Rosa said. ‘You’re kind, funny and we love listening to your stories about your life and what Porthpenny was like in years gone by.’
‘It’s fascinating.’ Henry nodded. ‘Plus, Rosa and I are relatively new to the village and so we’re delighted to have made friends with you, too. It works both ways.’
‘Anyone for another drink?’ Vinnie asked, then he stifled a yawn.
‘I think I should probably head home soon,’ Christopher said as he finished his cider. ‘I’m rather tired and I think Bobby is too.’
‘I’ll walk back with you.’ Vinnie stood up and rolled up the blanket, then stuffed it into his rucksack. ‘I am beat.’
‘Are you sure? I’ll be all right on my own.’ Christopher pushed himself up out of the chair and wrapped Bobby’s lead around his hand.
‘I’m sure.’ Vinnie nodded. ‘I won’t sleep if I don’t know you got home safe.’
Christopher chuckled. ‘All right then. But I may insist you come in for a nightcap.’
‘Oh go on then, twist my arm.’ Vinnie laughed.
They said their farewells, then Vinnie and Christopher walked up the beach together with Bobby trotting between them. They were clearly chatting away as they walked, and it made Rosa smile.
‘Are you tired?’ she asked Henry.
‘A little. But I think I have another hour left in me.’
He leant on his knees and the glow of the flames highlighted his handsome face, played across his skin like a golden caress. Rosa gazed at him, not minding if he noticed now, emboldened by the darkness and the cider, by the time spent together and by Christopher’s confession. Time really did wait for no one, and it was important to grab happiness when you could.
‘So … The Book Nook,’ he said. ‘Tell me about it.’
‘What do you mean?’ she asked.
‘Well … It’s a little slice of heaven. With the ambient lighting, reading chairs, coffee machine and all the beautiful books, it’s a haven for book lovers. It’s cosy and comforting, some could say it’s even womb-like. What inspired you to create a retreat like that?’
Rosa sat back and stared at the fire. She hadn’t even thought about the shop like that and now Henry had spelt it out for her; she realised that was exactly what she had done. Owning her own bookshop was a lifelong dream, naturally, but she hadn’t pictured it feeling womb-like. And yet, it was. She could see that now. She had created a safe space for people, providing everything a booklover could need and want. It wasn’t just a shop; it was a retreat, and Henry had seen that straight away. The Book Nook was warm, quiet and cocooning; a soothing place where people could relax, learn and grow.
‘I guess I just wanted a safe space for me and for others. Growing up, I had my aunt who I adored, but I missed my parents. I missed what I could have had with them.’
‘What happened?’
‘My father was just … not on the scene. He emigrated when I was young and my mother was killed in an accident at work.’
‘I’m sorry.’
She met his eyes. ‘She knew the risks.’
‘What did she do?’ He placed his hands on his knees and gazed at her intently.
‘She was a stunt performer.’
‘Wow!’
‘I know, right?’ Rosa smiled. ‘Not a regular mum job.’
‘So she passed away doing a stunt?’
Rosa nodded. ‘She was only twenty-three, and I was six. She was young having me. My aunt was looking after me while Mum was away working and I still remember the day of the phone call. Mum was in Texas on a movie set when she jumped from a moving vehicle as part of a stunt for a car chase scene. She uhhh … it went wrong, and she was badly injured and died soon after. The injuries she sustained were fatal, and that was that.’ She sighed and hugged herself as she said the words. Even though it had been a long time ago, she still found it hard to tell people about it. Her mother had been beautiful, brave, wild, and somewhat reckless. ‘Mum was exciting and energetic and the opposite of my sensible aunt. She lived fast and loved danger, and her job was everything to her. I was … an afterthought, an inconvenience that could have stopped her doing the job she loved, but luckily for her, my aunt stepped up and cared for me.’
‘I’m sorry that you had to go through that and that you lost your mum.’
‘Thanks. I was lucky, though. Aunt Jocelyn was wonderful, and I had a great life with her. There were times when I’d wish my mum was there, but as an adult I can see that I really wouldn’t have been better off living with my mum. She simply wasn’t mother material.’ She shrugged. ‘Jocelyn, however, was. And as for my dad … What are you going to do? You can’t make someone love you and some people shouldn’t have children. End of…’
‘That’s true.’ Henry nodded. ‘It’s not for everyone.’
‘What about you? I know you have a mum as I was there at the café when she phoned, but what about other family?’
Henry sat up straight and pushed a hand through his hair. ‘I have both parents alive. I grew up with them and my younger sister in Reading. My childhood was pretty uneventful, really. Dad always had a clear vision of what he wanted for me and he drummed into me that a strong work ethic, self-discipline and ambition were key to success. As a teen, I rebelled a bit, but nothing major. I kind of always knew I’d do what I could to make the old man happy. And so I went into finance in London and worked as an investment banker.’
‘And how did that go?’
‘I hated it.’ He gave a wry laugh. ‘Hated every single day of it and knew I needed to get out and do something I enjoyed. The money was great, yes, but the boredom and the sense of anxiety I had all the time just made it unbearable. And…’ He bit his lower lip.
‘And?’
‘It was my father’s plan and not mine, just like with my romantic life.’
‘Oh.’ Rosa gave a slow nod then turned back to the firepit, not wanting him to feel under pressure to tell her more.
‘My mum is lovely. She’s nurturing and empathetic, but she’s run herself ragged over the years trying to maintain peace. She puts everyone’s needs before her own and even worked as a counsellor for young carers, which meant she was helping people at work and at home. I don’t think her own childhood was great and so she wanted it to be different for me and my sister, Megan, but with my dad it was hard to get the balance right.’
‘What made you decide you had to change your job?’ Rosa asked, feeling that should be a safe enough question, seeing as how he hadn’t elaborated on the topic of romance.
‘That is … complicated.’
‘Sorry. Don’t feel you have to tell me.’
Henry shuffled closer to her and took her hand between both of his. ‘I don’t feel I have to, but I would like to tell you.’
His skin was warm and his hands felt huge compared to hers. Next to him, she felt petite and feminine, protected and alive. It was like all her nerves were firing because he was close. She could smell him, a heady combination of mint, geranium, and something else … ambergris. The scent was fresh and rich and warm, and she wondered if it would smell even better if she were wrapped in his arms with her face against his warm neck.
‘I was in a relationship from my early twenties with a childhood friend. Shona was also the daughter of my father’s golfing buddy. She was raised to be highly competitive, and this seeped into all areas of her life. When we were in our twenties, it was exciting and fun and I thought it would be fine, but as I got older and started to feel like I couldn’t stay in finance, the cracks in our relationship grew. Shona wanted everything to be perfect. She had our lives mapped out, from our career paths to our wedding to how many children we would have and even what their names would be. Now, for her, that was comforting because it fed her need for control, but for me … It was terrifying. I felt trapped and hemmed in and like I couldn’t breathe some days. I’m quite easy-going and went along with it for a while, but then … when I thought about changing career and becoming a teacher, she was very negative. She said teachers earned little, and she wanted money and a big house and holidays and private schools for our children. It dawned on me that I was living her dream life and not my own, and when it hit me that this was the case, I knew I had to change something.’
‘But it’s hard leaving a relationship, right? Whatever’s going on, walking away from what you know is difficult.’
‘Incredibly difficult and I didn’t want to hurt her. I cared about her and the thought of ruining her dream wasn’t one I relished.’
‘So what did you do?’ Rosa watched his face, the way a tiny muscle in his jaw twitched and his eyes closed for a moment as he remembered.
‘I kept trying at work, but then one day, I could barely get out of bed. I knew I had to change something. She wasn’t happy when I told her I was going to train as a teacher, whether she liked it or not, but she stayed with me and we kept going. I got a job and started teaching in London. Shona’s plans had fallen by the wayside by that point and there was a distance growing between us. I knew there was, but I didn’t know what to do about it because I felt responsible for creating it. Then, a few years into my new career, I was on a coach taking some pupils on a trip when I saw her with another man. A mutual friend from school. They were coming out of a hotel in the afternoon, holding hands and laughing, and as the coach passed them, they kissed. Of course, I was unable to get off the coach, so I sat there and tried to make sense of what I’d seen. She’d been staying out a lot, claiming to be with friends or her parents, and she’d apparently holidayed with friends too, but I think I was too afraid to delve deeper because of what I could find out.’
‘I’m sorry, Henry. That must have hurt.’
‘It did but not as much as it would have done had I carried on living a lie. I’d made some changes and so had she, but while mine were career orientated, hers involved finding a new man.’ He laughed, then sighed. ‘What can you do, right? I loved her, but was I in love with her by the end? Honestly, I don’t know. I cared about her and didn’t want to hurt her and I think that she didn’t want to hurt me. She just didn’t know how to end things when it came down to it. And that was three years ago. It takes a while to accept that things are over emotionally, and then when you own a home together, there’s all the things to sort out financially and practically. It meant that things dragged on for a bit before we could finally say goodbye. I carried on in my job in London until one morning I woke up and realised I didn’t have to stay there. As a single man in possession of a good fortune… I must be in want of a new life.’ He winked at her. ‘See what I did there?’
‘I do!’ She laughed.
‘So I realised I could live anywhere and started looking for jobs and … here I am.’ He squeezed her hand.
‘And where is Shona now?’
‘Married with a baby on the way. We still speak on the phone now and then, but it’s like we’ve only ever been friends. I don’t think she was ever my person, nor I hers, but we got together young because our fathers were friends. Shona needed a level of control over life that I couldn’t cope with. She even hated me reading so much because she said it took me away from her and from planning things.’
‘That’s not good.’
‘I know. I mean … reading is something I enjoy, it relaxes me and gives my mind a break from everything else, but she didn’t want me escaping into books or cluttering her home with them.’
Rosa shuddered. ‘I couldn’t live with someone who said that to me.’
‘It wasn’t great. But now I can read all I want and buy as many books as I like and it’s wonderful. Any future partner will have to love books as much as I do.’
He held Rosa’s gaze as he released her hand so he could stroke her cheek, then cup her chin. He moved closer, his eyes on her mouth, then he kissed her; she barely felt their lips touch because the kiss was so gentle.
‘Books are life,’ she said, her eyes fixed on his mouth.
‘Books are everything,’ he replied, then he kissed her again, this time sliding his hand around the back of her neck and tangling his fingers in her hair.
When he released her, they gazed at each other as if seeing for the first time. Rosa felt breathless with desire and affection and also with surprise. She liked Henry but hadn’t really believed things between them could progress like this, but it seemed he liked her too. And yet he had things in his past that could make him hold back — as did she.
‘What about you?’ he asked. ‘Do you have any history of relationships that made you wonder if you ever wanted to settle down?’
Rosa licked her lips and scanned his face. He’d just told her some important things about himself and now he wanted to learn about her too, but the thought of telling him about what had happened, about bringing that into this moment, seemed wrong.
‘I … uhm…’ She pressed her lips together and held her breath.
‘Hey, it’s OK. There’s no pressure for you to tell me. It can wait until you’re ready or you can just pack it away in your past if you like. I just want you to know that you can talk to me whenever you like. It won’t scare me or make me see you differently. I really like you and care for you and would like to see where this goes between us.’
She nodded as she exhaled, then turned back to the firepit. When Henry slid his arm around her shoulders, she snuggled closer to him, savouring his warmth and the fact that right now, he liked her. If she told him what had happened before, then it could change how he saw her and she didn’t want that to happen. She liked the way Henry viewed her, without prejudice or distaste, but if she told him about her ex and what had happened, he might think there was something wrong with her and that she wasn’t worth making an effort for. And that would be devastating. So for now, she’d enjoy this time with Henry, and one day, if she felt it was the right time, then she would share.
And only then…