24. Rosa
24
ROSA
A fter drinking the delicious mimosas, Rosa and Henry spent some time socialising with other people at the party. Rosa spoke to Ellie and her partner, Jasper, and to Sita and her husband, Niels. She admired their costumes and those of their children. But try as she might, she couldn’t shake off the need to know where Henry was. Her eyes sought him out automatically, her arms longed to hold him again and she missed him, even though he was close by. This depth of feeling surprised her because she’d sworn she’d never allow herself to feel this way again, but it also frightened her. She had never wanted to care for another man again and had thought her resolve would last, but there was something different about Henry and she found she couldn’t resist him. It was almost as if they were meant to be together and nothing, not even her fears, could keep them apart. The rational part of her mind screamed at her she was in danger because she was falling deeper for him by the day, but her heart was opening to him and she knew it would be hard now to shut it down.
When Henry returned to her side and took her hand, she almost melted with joy. ‘You ready to go?’
‘Sure am. Do we need to check in with Christopher?’
She shook her head. ‘Vinnie has gone to see him already. He said he’d sort out the pumpkins and help him get settled for the evening.’
‘In that case, can I walk you home?’
‘I’d like that.’
Their eyes stayed locked for a few moments and then they said their goodbyes and left the gardens. They strolled down the path to the village in silence, their hands still entwined. Rosa thought they must look like ghosts with their pale faces and clothing that resembled rags made of white, black and silver material.
The alcohol she’d consumed thrummed in her veins and she could still taste the cinnamon of the cake and the caramel of the mimosa. The air was chilly and she shivered despite the fact that she’d worn her coat over her costume.
‘You’re cold,’ Henry said, wrapping a big arm around her shoulders and pulling her close. They walked along that way and before she knew it, they were standing on the pavement that overlooked the beach. It was a clear night and the moon’s light reflected on the water, making it resemble molten metal and the sand glowed like platinum dust.
‘Shall we?’ he asked.
They walked onto the sand and removed their shoes, then wandered down to the sea. When it touched her toes, she inhaled sharply, but she kept going until the water was up to her ankles. The chill wrapped around her, making her feel alive and awake, and perfectly present in the moment.
‘Rosa,’ Henry said, turning her in his arms. ‘I’m sure you realise this by now, but I have feelings for you. I care about you and I … I think more. My feelings for you are growing, and I’m wondering if you feel the same.’
His eyes scanned her face, and she sucked in a shaky breath.
‘I have feelings for you too,’ she said. ‘But it’s complicated.’
‘Because of your childhood?’
‘Yes, and because of my life before I came here. I know that you’re a kind man and I know you care for me, but I’m still so scared.’
‘Let me show you that you can trust me. We can learn together how to put faith in each other and in us. If you want that?’ His face was open and earnest and her heart fluttered with emotion, because the last thing she would ever want would be for him to get hurt.
‘I want that too.’ She reached up and caressed his cheek.
He lowered his head and kissed her and she sighed into him, breathed in his scent of cinnamon and ginger, of caramel and tequila, of mint and geranium. She wanted to hold his scent in her nose and to taste him over and over again. He was delicious, and she longed to give herself to him completely. An ache filled her, to memorise every inch of him with her lips, her fingers, her whole being. It wasn’t just desire; it was a longing to surrender, to give herself to him fully—not just physically, but with everything she was.
When she opened her eyes, she knew she owed it to him and to herself to try.
‘Life used to feel so full of possibilities,’ she said. ‘And then it didn’t.’
He waited. Didn’t push her to say more.
The sea whispered against the shore, its movement as slow and steady as a beating heart. The moonlight shimmered on the water, the sand, and their skin. She had the sense that something was unfolding here, and it was always meant to be this way.
‘I … I was married.’ She held her breath, but he nodded, nothing but compassion in his gaze. ‘He … he hurt me a lot. Betrayed me. It … it makes it so difficult to trust again. I gave him everything, and he took me for a fool.’
‘I’m sorry. He was wrong to hurt you and betray you. I am so sorry for what you went through.’ Henry stroked her cheeks, her lips, her collar bones then kissed her where his fingers had touched her skin.
‘You’re not him. You’re very different.’
‘I love you, Rosa,’ he said, his pupils dilating so his eyes seemed black. ‘There. I’ve said it.’
‘You do?’ she asked. ‘Are you sure?’
‘I am sure. More certain of it than I’ve ever been about anything. Although I’m flawed in many ways, my desire is to make you happy. I want to give you everything you want and to fill your life with love. I want to marry you and have a family with you…’
He kissed her again, and she tried to relax into the kiss, but something he’d said nagged at her like a burn. Henry wanted to marry her and to have a family with her. Such easy words to say and yet they were charged with meaning beyond what some people understood. She’d heard the words before and believed in them, trusted in them, and then she had been left broken.
She pulled away from his kiss and placed a hand on his chest. It felt like the air had thickened, refusing to fill her lungs. Panic clawed at her throat.
‘What is it?’ he asked, his eyes filled with concern. ‘Did I say the wrong thing?’
‘No. Yes. Oh … I don’t know.’ She shook her head. She needed to get away from him.
To think. To breathe. To listen to what her mind was telling her about the situation because when she was near him it was hard to think clearly.
She waded out of the water, grabbed her shoes then marched in the direction of the village.
‘Rosa?’
She turned. He was still standing in the water. The moonlight limned his body and he looked like he’d just come from the sea — ethereal, otherworldly, too good to be real.
‘I’ll call you. Please … don’t follow me. I need … some space.’
She turned away and hurried up the sand and when she reached the pavement, she slid her feet into her shoes and jogged home. The sand grated against her skin but she didn’t care. The discomfort was nothing compared to the pain in her chest. She felt she may even deserve it because she had let things come this far with Henry when she knew, deep down, that she didn’t have the right to lead him on.
Rosa’s heart was too damaged to love. It was shut down to possibility. Shut down to risk.
She simply couldn’t take a chance on Henry because if she did, and he hurt her, she would never recover. Resilience could only carry her so far.
When she reached the bookshop, she let herself inside, then locked the door and sank to the floor. As the tears flowed, she hugged her knees to her chest and surrendered to the pain.
If only Henry Clay had come into her life with his kindness, handsome face, and ability to make her smile before she was broken. If only she hadn’t met him now, after she’d already decided she couldn’t let anyone in. If only she could move on from the pain and learn to love again.
If only…