14. Chapter Fourteen
Linorra crumpled to the stone floor, the arrow lodged snugly within her breast. She closed her eyes and let her body relax, knowing she would not be able to overcome her fate this time. If only she had the chance to speak with Syndeth one last time. She would tell him she loved him.
Climbing the fence wasn’t that hard, but I had to wait for my nose to stop bleeding. I was learning the hard way that fragment use comes with a price, even the seemingly innocuous ones like Connection. The link had physically hurt me, and I didn’t know how or why. It was so goddamn frustrating. There was no one to teach me, so I had to blunder around like an idiot.
When we reached the other side of the fence, Ward broke off a twig of jarring weed and gave it to me.
“Keep this under your nose while we walk,” he said. “It will make you feel better.”
He was right. I inhaled the jarring weed for the next hour while we walked through the fields. The scent was soothing and somehow helped me think more clearly, though it exacerbated my drowsiness. The longer I had it in my face, the more I realized that the smell alone had some kind of psychoactive effect. I started to feel like I was on the outside of my life, looking in, calming down to the point of nearly dissociating from my situation. I asked myself deep, philosophical questions that I would later completely forget, and I stumbled a few times, forgetting to pay attention to my body.
In short, the plant got me high. I chuckled when this fact finally occurred to me, and I wondered if I could grow the stuff on Earth if I brought home clippings. I could make a fortune. Evilina, queenpin of the Pacific Northwest. I covered my mouth, trying to suppress my giggle, but looked up when I heard Ward laughing under his breath. He knew exactly what was happening, as always.
As night came on, I found it harder and harder to see where I stepped. The men, with their superior Monashi vision, didn’t have any such problem. Ward took my hand again. He knew that I had stupid, useless Earth eyes and took it upon himself to guide me, which made sense given that it was Ward who’d drugged me to begin with.
Spirit, are you there? I called. I wanted to ask her opinion of my predicament and doing so while high as hell on jarring weed felt like the perfect opportunity.
I’m here, Lina.
I need you to help me figure out what to do. I feel lost. Aaron probably hadn’t meant to hurt me, but it doesn’t change the fact that he did just that. Maybe he doesn’t understand friendship between people of the opposite sex. Maybe, in this world, that isn’t a thing. I shouldn’t just stomp off like a thirteen-year-old. I should give him a chance to apologize, shouldn’t I?
Spirit sighed. He didn’t anticipate what happened to you, but he knew you were hurt. He could have apologized right after it happened, but he didn’t. He just stood there while you bled.
I sighed heavily. That’s true, but he was caught off guard. Even to me, that argument sounded like making excuses for an abusive partner. One that didn’t act like he cared if I made excuses for him or not. I need him to help me get home, I reasoned. I should at least be civil, right?
“Look,” Ward said, pulling me out of my thoughts. He pointed directly above us.
I followed his gaze, and what I saw made my jaw drop. There were two moons. One was similar in size and color to Earth’s moon on a clear night, bright white with specks of gray, but it had a paper-thin ring around it. The other moon appeared smaller, or perhaps farther away, and was a deep cinnamon red. The stars beyond were so bright that it was like the moons resided in their own personal constellation. I stopped dead in my tracks, paralyzed with wonder.
“They call them the Ancestors,” Ward said. “Heshia, the shining mother, with her fine white circlet of purest quartz, bonded to Ishkar, the brooding lord of thunder. Right now, he watches her from afar as she blesses her children with light, but once every twelve years, he grows jealous and comes for her. Before he takes her, black clouds fill the sky to block our view, and Lord Ishkar’s thunder deafens our ears so that we may not hear. But her children know what befalls her, and the sky weeps so many tears that the sea swallows the land.”
I tore my eyes from the miraculous sight to regard Ward. His eyes were turned skyward, a sad smile playing on the unscarred half of his face while the other half was paralyzed. “Did you miss your home while you were away, Ward?” I asked.
Ward inhaled and exhaled, squinting his eyes a little in contemplation. He rested one arm across my shoulders but didn’t take his eyes from the Ancestors. “You were my home, Lina.”
I smiled, a warmth spreading through my chest, then looked back up at the moons as I stretched an arm around Ward’s hips, squeezing him a little in a side hug. I stared up at the sky, shaking my head and wondering if I was the only person from Earth who’d ever seen the two moons of Monash. This one experience alone would have made the whole trip worthwhile. It was like the very cosmos reminded me to be patient because this was a whole different world.
I’ll try, I thought. No promises.
“What’s wrong?” Ward asked.
I thought he spoke to me, but when I looked at him, I realized the question had been directed at Aaron. I had been so absorbed in my own thoughts that I hadn’t noticed Aaron looking warily into the dark. I needed to pay better attention and keep my head together. I couldn’t depend on the men to keep me safe, especially now. That thought sent a shiver through me, and I let the sweet-smelling flowers drop to the ground.
Aaron dropped the dragon and stretched his back. “There are always at least a few birds that come out into the field to nest, but I haven’t seen a single one. It’s too quiet. Lina, can you send Spirit to go look ahead?”
“Okay,” I said. “What is she looking for?”
“My uncle’s house is just ahead. See those trees?”
A group of deciduous trees about two hundred yards ahead looked like they surrounded a building. The moons reflected off waxy leaves.
“Have her go to the house and see if anyone is there.”
“Okay,” I said.
Spirit.
I’m on it,she said.
The moons left an afterimage on my eyes, and a faint light emanated from the same direction as her voice. The image wasn’t fading, though. It was there, but it also wasn’t there.
The image winked out for a split second, then reappeared.
Yes, it’s safe, she said. No one is there.
I blinked. What am I seeing?
It’s me, Spirit thought. You’re starting to see me.
“Well?” Aaron asked, his voice subdued.
A feeling overwhelmed me that was at once excitement and also trepidation. “She says there’s no one there,” I said absently, looking at the splotch of white light a few feet away. It was starting to look misty, as if materializing into something more substantial.
Aaron shook his head. “Goddess help us,” he said.
“Any updates from the house?” Ward asked.
I squinted harder at the hazy form of Spirit, as if that would clear my vision.
I’m sorry, Lina,Spirit thought. Seleca burned your house to the ground, then left to go look for Aaron’s family.
A lead weight dropped from my heart into my stomach, and I put my hands over my eyes, taking a deep breath. A hand touched my shoulder, and I looked up to see Ward peering down at me, his brows drawn together.
“She burned the house down,” I said. He winced and then his whole face reddened. He pulled me into a hug. My throat burned as I struggled not to cry. I mostly succeeded. Only one tear escaped. That house had been my home for sixteen years and it had been Ward’s home for almost as long. We would need to grieve for that life, but we didn’t have time right now.
Ward released me from the hug and looked down at me, squeezing one shoulder. “It’ll be okay,” he said. “It’s just a house. Everyone is safe, right?”
I nodded. “For now,” I said. “Although we don’t know where they went. God only knows what they did with the horses.” I peered at Aaron. I’m sure he’d heard me say my house burned down, but he ignored us. I shook my head. I wasn’t sure if I should tell him about the second part of that message right now. I felt heavy from trying to guard everyone’s emotions while suppressing my own. You can only carry the weight of other people’s needs so far before you have to drop it like ballast from an overloaded ship.
“Okay, thank you, Spirit,” I said, trying to move on. “Can you still follow her?”
Yes, I could find that thing anywhere. I just have to follow the smell.
“Is that a metaphor?” I asked.
Not really. She has a spiritual stench. The other spirits avoid her.
“The others?” I asked.
Yes, there are many others who haven’t crossed the death bridge,Spirit thought.
I wanted to ask her more, but afterlife research rated as a low priority just then.
“Thank you, Spirit. Keep me updated,” I said, yawning.
She didn’t say goodbye this time, just disappeared. It was comforting to know that I could call her back anytime. Conjuration was different from the other reservoirs. It didn’t feel like using a fragment at all but more like making a wish. It was no effort whatsoever, like I could do it in my sleep, which I might have to since the jarring weed was still in full effect. I yawned again.
I should send Spirit to go check on Marti and Milo,I thought. They lost the twins. They must be devastated. My friends were all suffering because of me. It was all my fault. The whole thing made me so tired. We were all tired, I knew, but I was drowsy enough that I felt like I could lie right there on the ground. That sounded like such a great idea. Just leave it all behind. I yawned again and closed my eyes.
“Lina,” Aaron said, his voice sounding far away. “Lina, open your eyes.” He held me, but I didn’t know why. Had he hurt me again? “She won’t wake up,” he said, his voice panicked.
But I am awake, I said. I’m right . . . I opened my eyes and looked down at myself in Aaron’s arms. This isn’t right.
Call yourself back, a deep voice said. I glanced up and saw a giant towering over Aaron. He strongly resembled Aaron, actually, except tall and slender like Ward, with pale skin. He had Aaron’s ice-blue eyes, but they were missing something indefinable.
Life, I thought. Huh. I knew I should be surprised, maybe even upset, but I felt too relaxed and calm. I didn’t want to go back to the pain and misery. I wanted to stay here forever.
You have very little time,the man said. You must call yourself back into your body.
That doesn’t even make sense, I thought.
It doesn’t need to make sense, the man retorted. Just do it. A portion of your spirit is still seated inside your body. When you say your own name, that part of you will wrench the rest back in.
I sighed. This was so unfair. I just got here. And this ghost man smelled so good, like jarring weed. I snorted. Jarring weed. Such a weird name for a plant.
Do it now, Lina, said the ghost giant urgently. His voice was even deeper than Aaron’s, and he spoke with absolute authority. His eyes darted all around, then he looked over his shoulder as if we were children about to get caught opening presents before Christmas.
Fine, I said, sticking out my bottom lip. Lina,I said, as if calling a dog. Here, Lina, Lina, Lina. Come back to your body, Lina. I recalled a vintage episode of Sesame Street where Ernie called fish into a boat, and I giggled. I love old television shows. “Here, Lina, Lina, Lina,” I said again in my best Ernie voice.
I heard the ghost giant sigh, and then I felt a gentle tugging as if an invisible cord attached the top of my ghost head to my real head. I accepted the inevitable, said goodbye to my new friend Bert, and pulled myself back in. I was then violently wrenched back into my body. If I had been in my body while that happened, I would have broken my neck.
My eyes flew open, and I sucked a deep breath in, then coughed. I was on the ground. Aaron held my upper body in his lap. It was the ICU all over again, except dirtier. The moons spun in the sky above Aaron’s head, as if they, too, had been worried about me.
I squeezed my eyes shut until the dizziness passed, feeling Aaron’s hot breath on my face. “That was so messed up,” I said. Aaron had a death grip on my hand as if he’d been trying to connect with me. Once I came back to myself, the superficial link reestablished itself of its own accord.
“What happened?” Aaron asked. “One minute you were fine, and the next, you just fell over.” His concern for me was evident, and he was actively trying to pull me into a deeper link and succeeding somehow. I thought dimly that I would need to get better control over my powers if I was going to face Seleca again.
“I think my spirit drifted out of my body,” I said. “It felt great. I didn’t want to come back, but the ghost giant made me.”
“What giant?” Aaron asked.
I shook my head. “I don’t know, Aaron.” Now that I was alive again, calling the ghost giant “Bert” seemed utterly ridiculous. Ward and I made eye contact. Once he saw that I was okay, he shuffled toward the house and turned his back on us, looking at the trees. He hugged himself as the wind picked up, rustling the leaves.
Through our Connection link, I felt that Aaron wasn’t angry anymore, except at himself. He felt desperate but fought to keep it together. He had a strong suspicion about what we might find when we got to the house, as it was something he’d feared for years. He also believed that I was secretly in love with Ward and was confused about it, so he braced himself for that disappointment as well. He had convinced himself that getting attached wasn’t worth the risk. He would inevitably end up alone again once I realized how dangerous his life was. He just needed to accept his isolation and focus on the task at hand. That logic, however, completely fell apart when I collapsed, especially since Ward stepped aside and let him take over.
Aaron, you idiot, I thought to him. On the other hand, I knew exactly what it felt like to say that to myself. In fact, I had once used almost that exact same logic. I sighed. We’re both idiots.
Aaron hugged me too hard, burying his face in my neck. He still smelled like himself, but also faintly of BO and dead animal. He needed a bath as badly as I did. The man was a mess, and the idea that he was just as imperfect as I was made my heart swell with affection. I couldn’t hold on to even a sliver of anger at his behavior, no matter how much he deserved it.
You were so pale, he thought to me. I thought you were dead.
I coughed. I will be if you don’t let me breathe.
Aaron released me, lifting his face in alarm. I smirked at him, then pinched my nose and said out loud, “On second thought . . .”
He gave me a rueful smile. “Everything is a joke to you,” he said.
“Not everything. Just most things,” I said. I grabbed his now very scruffy beard, running my fingers through it.
Aaron’s eyes searched mine for a moment. “I’m sorry, Lina. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” He meant through our Connectionlink, but also his behavior before and after.
“I know,” I said. “But don’t make a habit of it, okay? I would not tolerate that very well. Or at all.” He nodded, and then I tugged his beard toward my face, looked him right in the eye, and thought, very clearly, and I’m not in love with Ward, you moron.
He glanced back at me, his gaze intense, then he pulled me close and kissed me, gently this time. First my lips, then my cheek, then he hugged me again like he was afraid to let go. Maybe he was. Once he did, we would have to go into the house and possibly find something horrific. That’s the thing about pain, though. Sometimes the anticipation is worse than the pain itself, and sometimes anticipation is the only pain, a mountain of your own making.
“You’re so fragile,” he said.
“Fragile like a bomb.”
“What is that?”
I sighed. “Never mind. I’m not sure how those work either.” I petted his hair as if I were soothing a child. “We have to go in now, Aaron.”
“I know,” he said, but he didn’t let go.
After a minute, I got up, forcing him to release his hold on me. I peered down at him, waiting, but he still didn’t move. He looked so small for someone so big.
“Come on,” I said, holding my hand out to him. “We’ll go together.”
He considered my hand for a moment, then took it, rose, and we walked toward the house.