Chapter 15 #4
“The Emberhell you are. If I have to put up with this lot, so do you,” Kissa hisses.
“Unfortunately for us all, it’s a traditional bonding experience for the Wing, although not everyone is here for the experience,” Orion chimes in.
Seraphina whistles. “Flint, Vex, get your asses over here. It’s Hallucina’s time!”
The room is cast in an eerie green glow as the drinks appear on all the tables across the room.
The color matches Flint's eyes, flaring over the shy smile he throws me as he joins the table. I have always wanted to blend in, and I guess this is what blending in feels like. Although I definitely didn’t think this is what it would entail.
Everyone holds up their drink, creating a circle in the air.
“To good times, fucking, fighting, and staying alive. One. Two. Bottoms up!” Seraphina broadcasts.
The liquid tingles, sliding down my throat.
Then I’m tumbling through the floor before coming to a swirling stop as a kaleidoscope of colors fold into me.
I’m clay being molded, my body losing shape.
I hate being out of control, but I try to remember what Cinder said.
I let go.
I’m floating through space, dancing in the stardust of the cosmos.
My body moves, twirling the dust around my fingers.
I watch worlds being born into the darkness before crumbling out of existence.
There’s a steady beat, thrumming against my ribs, echoing in my chest. I bite my lip until a metallic tang fills my mouth.
I don’t need this drug giving me delusions that there’s something left beating in my chest.
The effects dwindle, everyone around me coming back into view, but all their colors have changed, so I know the tonic is still in effect. They look absolutely ridiculous—dazed, interacting with their hallucinations. My unusual healing ability must metabolize the potion quicker than most.
I recall the map of the campus. There’s a door to the back of the dining hall opening to a rotunda, leading to the Pavilion of Heroes, an open-air pathway carved with the statues of previous famous Ellian Knights.
I stumble my way to the cool, crisp air.
I’m not dressed for a fall night, but the cold is refreshing after the stuffy air of the party.
The first two statues are the largest. Gildora mirrored by Raeya on the opposite side.
I continue to sway down the lane of towering effigies…
I fall to my knees—stone piercing my flesh—the view before me ripping my hollow rib cage wide open.
A statue of Sully Stonewall. Towering above me with a marked resemblance. My hand drifts out to the foot of the statue, wishing I could feel his warmth once more. A tear slices down my cheek, fracturing the mosaic window in my mind. All my emotions pouring out. Drowning me. Crippling me.
It’s too much all at once. I slam the window shut, but liquid rushes around the edges. I envision a drain to catch them, funneling them out, too, while I gasp for air.
I look up at the statue wiping away the silver tears.
“I did it, grey ol’ bear. I made it. Thank you for everything, all that you have gifted me.
” Clearly, Sully was far more well-known than he had ever let me know.
Only thanks to Winx did I find out he’d been a commander.
With me, he was always so humble. I figured by the way the Chancellor had spoken of him, he was more renowned than he let on.
My little orange dragon appears, taking his natural form, scurrying up the statue.
“I guess you recognize him too, Pip.” I gaze up and watch the stars twinkle brighter, almost like Sully is smiling down on me.
“Who are you talking to?” A smoky voice interrupts the moment. One I know before even looking at him.
“Don’t you have someone else to bother?” I sneer at S?las.
“Hey. I promise, I come in peace. I saw you leave and wanted to talk to you alone.”
“You know, not every lady is leaping at the chance to be alone with you,” I verbally stab, hoping the wound will leave him limping back to the dining hall.
“No, not like that. Give me a chance. I am trying to be serious here.”
“Okay. Say your piece, so you can leave me in mine,” I relent.
“I’m sorry.”
“Come again?” I’m not sure what he’s going on about now.
“Usually, that would require a first time,” he purrs, but then, noticing the unamused expression on my face at his cringey joke, he drops his hands in the pockets of his slacks before he continues.
“I’m sorry I touched you without your consent. You’re right, that was wrong. I… have a feeling I can’t shake. Like I hurt you somehow. I really am sorry. I just wan… I had never seen skin like yours. But that is not an excuse. Forgive me?”
“Must hurt you to admit I’m right. Well, I can admit when you’re right, too.
It’s not an excuse. You didn’t hurt me, but in my life, another’s touch has never been a comfort for me.
It just caught me off guard is all… I guess, since you came out here to apologize, I can forgive you.
This once. Don’t push your luck, though.
” I sit down, resting my back against the square base of the statue, peering up at the constellations decorating the clear night sky.
Turns out, it's easier for me to forgive him when I know it will be short-lived, given the expiration date I have planned for his heart.
“I have a feeling admitting you’re right will be the least painful thing I experience around you. And I promise not to make that mistake again. Thank you for forgiving me. Can I sit with you?”
“Pushing your luck, are you?” I smirk.
“Always,” he croons.
I’m too exhausted to fight with him as the elixir continues its lingering effects. A cool gust of air catches us in a shiver, pebbling my skin.
“Here, take my jacket,” he says with an almost-sadness in his eyes.
“I’m fine,” I grit, trying to mask my chattering teeth.
“You being stubborn won’t make you any less cold. C’mon, it’s the least I can do.”
I nod as he slides his black-and-gold embroidered suit jacket over my shoulders, the scent of amber and spruce wrapping around me. A smell I savor like a fool.
We sit in peaceful silence as we gaze up at the stars together. I blame Hallucina’s Delight for my newfound tolerance of him.
“I saw you crying when you saw the statue. I may not have known him, but from what little I saw, Sully seemed to really care for you. I’m sure he will come visit. I saw him almost tear through the Chancellor for you at that first trial. He must have been some teacher.”
“Sully was like my father… But he can’t come visit me. Not anymore… Now, he is always watching over me.” I lift my head up to the stars.
“My parents are gone, too.” He clenches his fists until they’re almost white. Touchy subject. There’s a long silence before he finally relaxes and adds, “I bet he’s incredibly proud of you.”
A sad smile kisses my lips as tears begin to gently stream down my face. Celestials, I’m never drinking this stupid shit again. Only two people have ever seen me cry like this. Why does he make it so easy for me to feel things?
I think of asking him about his parents, and then I think better of it.
I’ve already revealed far too much of myself to this distraction of a male.
Asking him questions will only lead to him thinking he can ask me to bare more of myself to him.
I don’t want to get to know him; I need to keep him as a stranger.
I know better than to indulge in whatever this is between us.
I hear S?las move his hand next to mine, careful not to actually touch me, though he’s only a whisper away. His small gesture stirs an unsteady beating sound in my chest, like my shattered heart is piecing itself together, limping to life.
Perhaps there’s hope for me yet.
That glimmer cracks through my darkness, weaving its way around my heart.
And suddenly, the world doesn’t feel so impossibly lonely.
I’m not sure what comes over me, as he unfurrows an inextricable vulnerability from within me but… I lean my head over onto his shoulder, and he leans his onto the crown of mine.
His touch warms me, soothing me in the strangest way. A flutter bubbles in my stomach. Perhaps the drink has decided to work its way back up out of my body.
Yes, that’s it. That horrid drink has to be the reason I’ve allowed myself to be this vulnerable with someone.
I know I’m strong enough to resist if I truly want to.
Yet, somehow… I find myself enjoying the company of not being alone.
Especially tonight, when the weight of Sully’s death threatens to shatter my chest, a wreckage my limping heart will never survive.
No matter how much we like to keep things in neat little boxes, sometimes they seep out of the shadows.
And what a handsome, broad-shouldered shadow I find myself in tonight.
I breathe in his warm scent of amber and spruce.
The smell of him reminds me of home, my sanctuary in the Mysticwoods outside that horrid village.
He’s pleasant at this moment, maybe because he’s finally quiet for once, not hiding behind his own mask. However, I remind myself, he’s a distraction nonetheless, one that can get us both killed. One that decimates my well-placed, icy walls, seeing a vulnerable side of me no one ever should.
My moment of weakness only solidifies his fate. It’s too bad once I’m sober, I’ll still have to kill him.