chapter eight One Long Catastrophe of Cringe Humour #2
number of awkward moments, and perceived intensity of awkwardness. If we discover a pattern then maybe we can—”
“Break the curse!” I raise both my half-eaten slice of pizza and mostly empty wineglass in the air.
She sighs. “Sure. Why not.”
“Yay!” I hoist my glass toward her for yet another cheers. She rolls her eyes but still taps her glass against mine. “This
is going to be so fun!” I bounce in my seat.
“Yes,” Lex agrees. “Everyone I know describes data analysis as ‘so fun.’”
I’m sure she’s joking, but it does nothing to quell the excitement rising in my chest. I’d long ago given up on trying to
fix the curse and accepted my lot in life of dying alone and in shame, my tombstone reading, here lies the most awkward person to have ever lived.
She was well loved by her herd of geriatric dogs.
But now, with someone like Lex on my side, for once I can see a future—a real one. A future with someone to share my life
with, to have a fraction of the type of love that Lex so beautifully described.
For the first time in a long time, I have real hope.
After finishing the movie and pizza, Lex and I bid each other farewell with a plan to meet for lunch in a few days to go over strategy.
At the door I decide to skip past the formalities and go in for a hug.
Lex stiffens in my grasp, as if unsure of what to do, before relenting and hugging me back.
She’s so soft and warm and the perfect height for hugging—a bit shorter than me, her chin resting against my shoulder.
I breathe in her scent—shea and honey and something else I can’t place, not sweet, but earthy, almost masculine.
I hold her far too long, but judging by how tightly she squeezes me back and her resistance to letting me go, she needed that
hug as much as I did.
We meet on a Thursday afternoon at a Vietnamese restaurant.
“Sorry, I don’t remember if you told me, what is it you do for work?” Lex dunks her salad roll in the peanut sauce and takes
a bite, covering her mouth to hide her chewing.
“It’s a non-profit. There’s a couple different things we do, but my team is all about introducing mindfulness into schools
to help reduce bullying,” I explain before slurping a mouthful of noodles.
Lex blinks a few times as she regards me. “That’s really wonderful of you.”
I shrug. “It pays the bills.”
“You rescue old dogs from shelters, take public transit, and make schools a better place for kids?” She gives her head a small shake. “Next thing you’ll be telling me you volunteer at
soup kitchens on the weekend.”
“It’s really nothing.” I wave my chopsticks as if her compliments are annoying flies buzzing around my face.
“Seriously, you should be proud of yourself and the good work you’re doing. I wish what I did made the world a better place.”
“Hey now, numbers make the world a better place, too.” I have no idea what a data analyst does, except I’m sure it involves
a lot of spreadsheets and math. Maybe a few graphs. Pie charts?
Lex shrugs with one shoulder as she twirls her chopsticks through her soup. “True. And I do love me some spreadsheets. I just
wish the company I work for didn’t hire me out to all sorts of shitty capitalistic businesses that only care about increasing
their profit margins, often to the detriment of the planet and their staff. Maybe if the people who worked for these companies
received the benefits of all the money I help save, it would be worthwhile, but the higher-ups just keep the extra profits
for themselves. I hate knowing that I’m one of the reasons some big shot CEO got another yacht while his employees still live
paycheque to paycheque.”
“Oof, that sucks. Can you like . . . quit and do your own thing?”
“Maybe someday.” She gives me a wan smile. “Right now, I have to focus on getting my life together and being stable, maybe
getting my own place so Gabe can have a separate room.”
“Gabe is your son?” I feel shitty for not even asking earlier. I call her a friend and yet this is the first I’m learning
of her child’s name and gender?
Lex nods. “Gabriel.”
“That’s a cool name.”
“Thank you. It was the only one we could agree on.” She smiles a bit to herself, but it fades almost as quickly as it came,
as if a wave of sad memories washed it away. “Anyway,” she says, giving her head a slight shake. “That’s why I want to help
you. If I can give you some insight into the curse and help you figure it out, then, in my own small way, I’ll be making the
world a better place—just like you.”
Once more, I find myself fidgeting beneath her blue-eyed gaze. She really needs to take whatever pedestal she’s decided to put me on and knock it the fuck down. “Okay, hit me with this amazing strategy you came up with.”
Lex sits up straighter and wipes at her mouth with a napkin before leaning forward conspiratorially, her eyes flashing with
mischievous excitement. I lean forward, too, waiting for her to unleash her amazing plan. “Okay. So. We’ll get on a dating
app. You’ll swipe right on absolutely everyone, and then we’ll pick a wide variety of dates—safe dates. You’ll pick some guys
you find attractive, some guys you don’t. Some guys who you think are your type, and some who are the opposite. A wide range
will create variance for us to cross-compare on all the factors for awkwardness and give us an idea of what’s going on.”
I had an inkling she was smart, but goddamn. I could listen to her talk science all day.