chapter ten Unicorn
chapter ten
Unicorn
Several weeks and numerous awkward dates later, we’re actually getting the hang of this. There’s been underwear stuck to my
yoga mat towel when we met up with Wellness Guru Guy at the hot yoga studio downtown, spinach stuck in my teeth for an hour
after a dinner date at a trendy new restaurant with Vegan Guy, and sweat-stained playing cards repeatedly pulled out of various
body parts by Magician Guy. Despite everything, Lex hasn’t given up—and neither have I. In fact, despite the hilarity and
hijinks, I can honestly say I’m having fun dating. Weird.
“Have everything we need?” I ask as I smooth out my shirt in the parking lot of Cactus Club after meeting Lex at our rendezvous
point.
Lex opens her purse and peers inside. “Wet wipes, check. Tide to Go, check. Spare pants?” She eyes me, one brow raised. “Check.”
I place my hands on my hips. “Do you really think that’s necessary?”
“When it comes to you, I can’t be too careful.” Lex zips her bag closed and gives me a wink.
“Fair point.”
“Also, I just got my period yesterday, which means you should be getting yours today or tomorrow. I have extra tampons if
you need.”
The fact that she’s already memorized my cycle doesn’t faze me, and I don’t even try to hide my smile. “What would I do without
you?”
Lex smiles, dimples popping. “You’d walk around with stains on your pants, that’s what.”
I’m still laughing when the two of us split up after entering the restaurant—me to the reserved table on the patio and her
to the bar within eyesight of my soon-to-be date shenanigans. I order my customary club soda with lime wedges and wait, making
faces at Lex from across the restaurant and trying to get her to break character.
Just when I begin to wonder if my date has ditched me, getting my hopes up that I can cancel curse-curing for the day and
enjoy my time with Lex, he shows. He’s a young and handsome Asian guy wearing bright red sneakers, tight jeans, and a black
T-shirt with a rearing mystical unicorn on it. Odd choice in clothing, but I commend him on his bold sense of style.
Unicorn Guy takes my hand when I reach out to shake his, pulling me up and in for a hug. “I’m so excited to meet you!” he
says, tugging me close and giving me a good whiff of his spicy cologne.
The moment we separate and sit back in our seats, I give Lex a hidden thumbs-up. So far, so good.
“Do you like my shirt?” he asks, pulling the material taut so I can get a better look at the unicorn design.
Odd question. “Uh, yeah. It’s . . . unique?”
He laughs, his smile wide and infectious. “Just like you are.”
My face warms at the sentiment. He’s oddly excited considering Lex swears all she does is tell my potential dates that I prefer to chat in person.
Outside of swiping, I’m not allowed to see who I’m getting set up with or how he messages in case it affects the science. Lex is adorably strict about the rules.
Unicorn Guy flags the server down and orders an old-fashioned and a glass of chilled white wine.
“Oh, I’m fine with my club soda,” I interject before the server can leave.
He waves a hand. “Of course! The wine’s not for you.”
I blink, confused. “Okay.”
The server leaves us, a few questions rolling around in the back of my mind, but before I can ask them, Unicorn Guy leans
toward me with his elbows on the table, eyes bright and shining, smile on full display. “I’ve been on these dating apps for
a long time,” he says. “It’s super rare to find someone like you.”
I squeeze a lime into my drink, shooting some juice into my eye as I do. “Ah, fuck.”
“You okay?”
I rub a napkin against my watery eye and blink past the pain, looking over to Lex who hoists a small bottle of eye drops,
because of course she’s prepared for every possible scenario.
“I’m good,” I say, enunciating enough for her to read my lips. Lex gives me a nod. “So, you were saying, you don’t get many
dates?” I ask, turning my attention back to Unicorn Guy.
He blows a raspberry through his lips. “I mean, dates? Yes, of course. I go on lots of dates, but not with someone like you.
You’re a rare breed of woman, Aubrey. We’re going to make sure you’re very happy.”
My brows pinch together. “We?”
Unicorn Guy’s head tilts to the side. “Of course! It’s not going to be all about us. We want to make sure you’re having fun,
too.”
Does this guy have multiple personalities or something? “I’m sorry, I’m confused, you and who else?”
Unicorn Guy’s smile falters. “Me and my girlfriend. Obviously.”
I eye his unicorn shirt once more, and it all clicks: He thinks I’m here for a threesome. How did Lex miss this when she was
messaging him? I’ll have to ask her when we have our post-date debrief, which is the best part of these dates, anyway. At
least I have an excuse to nope out of here early so we can leave and get some ice cream.
I turn toward Lex to give her the signal which is, unfortunately, just a throat-slice gesture rather than titty Morse code,
but freeze in my spot. Is that who I think it is at the hostess stand?
I jolt back around and hide my face behind my hands. “Oh, fuck. Oh no.”
“What’s wrong?” Unicorn Guy asks, leaning toward me.
Before I can explain, it’s happening. I twist in my chair away from Unicorn Guy as his date approaches, the voice of the woman
taking a seat next to him painfully familiar. A voice I’d recognize anywhere.
“Hey, baby!” she croons to him, which is followed by the sound of sloppy, wet kissing while I try not to gag. “Sorry I’m late!
I got held up in traffic.”
I turn around quickly, ripping off the Band-Aid, and lock eyes with the gorgeous blonde woman across the table. She sputters
and chokes on her wine mid-sip, spraying Chardonnay.
Unicorn Guy pats her on the back, confusion plaguing his brow. “Are you okay?”
She’s too busy coughing to explain the situation, which leaves it to me. I look over to Lex, who’s eyeing us quizzically,
and speak loud enough for her to hear. “Hi, Mom. Didn’t expect to see you here.”
Lex’s mouth drops open. I give my head a shake, then mouth, you owe me ice cream! before turning back to the attempted incestuous throupling.
Unicorn Guy’s mouth drops open. “Wait, Mom?”
“Aubrey,” my mom says, finally able to clear her airway. “I didn’t know you were back in town.”
I squint. “I left you a voicemail the week I moved back. You didn’t see my missed call?”
She waves her hand. “I did, but I don’t listen to voicemails. Why didn’t you text?”
Of course, this is all my fault. What else is new? “I moved home about five months ago. Got a new job.”
“Well, that’s nice!” she says, sounding genuine, as if she gives a shit about me or my life at all. But I know better.
“I’m sorry, time out, Mom?” Unicorn Guy is deeply perplexed.
I look to my mom to explain, but she seems lost for words, glancing between me and her much younger boyfriend a few times
as her mouth opens and closes. Of course she didn’t tell him she has a daughter—I was never an important part of her story.
I eye my mother: platinum-blond hair parted down the middle, false eyelashes batting, forehead set in a permanently surprised
expression from Botox, filler in her protruding lips and cheekbones evident. It’s almost impossible to tell how old she is
with all she has going on, not that I’m surprised—she’s always been running away from her age. And her responsibilities. I’m
sure this guy knows he’s dating a cougar, but she probably told him she’s a full ten years younger than she actually is.
“I had her young,” Mom tries to explain. “I mean, look at us, we could be sisters! I love what you did with your hair, Aubrey.
Blonde really suits you.”
The second I get home I’m booking an appointment to dye my hair back brown.
“It’s actually kind of funny you swiped right on her,” Mom muses as she sips her wine.
Unicorn Guy looks sheepishly between the two of us and shrugs. “I guess I have a type.”
Mom laughs as I grimace. Being compared to my mom is a whole new low for me.
“You look good,” I tell her, which is honest. She always has. Other people finding her attractive has always been her main
objective in life—even above parenting me.
My mom smiles at the compliment, though it doesn’t reach her eyes. “We should get together sometime, now that you’re back
in town. Just the two of us,” she clarifies.
“Sure thing.” I cannot express how much I do not want to do that. Besides, it’s not like her invitation is a real one—she’s
just trying to save face in front of her boyfriend.
“Wait, why’d you swipe right on a date with your own mother?” Unicorn Guy asks, still confused. “The third picture in my profile
was us together!”
I sigh, remembering when we came across this guy’s profile picture a week and a half ago. We were a bottle of wine in, halfway
through Along Came Polly, and Lex had said something hilarious that made wine shoot out my nose. I remember seeing Unicorn Guy’s great smile and thinking
he was cute, but can’t remember if we scrolled past that first picture or bothered to read the words beneath it. Won’t be
making that mistake again.
My mom takes her boyfriend’s hand and leans toward him. “Thanks for the surprise, baby.”
He pulls her in closer. “I thought for sure this was our chance for a threesome. I was so excited!”
I try not to throw up in my mouth. “Well, this has been interesting,” I say as I stand. “Good luck with . . . all this.”
Lex has already thrown a ten on the bar and is ready to go, joining me as I walk past her and out the door. As soon as we’re
outside I take a big breath of fresh air, then regard Lex with a wary expression.
“Ice cream?” Lex asks.
“Hell yes. And from the fancy place, too.”
“You got it.”
Twenty minutes later we’re sitting at the park outside Banter with three big scoops each, licking melting dribbles as they
make their way down waffle cones and onto our fingers.
“Wet wipe?” Lex offers, passing one to me.
I roll my eyes at her over-preparedness but take one anyway. Lord knows I’m going to need it.
“So, your mom . . .” she begins, searching for words. “She looks . . . good?”