chapter fifteen True Love’s Fuck #2
Lex eyes me, like she’s fighting with her inner scientist to tell me something that may not be true. “Based on what little evidence we have and the barely significant P value and the various outliers, then yes, you could say that.”
“Of course.” I pace the room, going over all the dates I’ve ever had. “This whole time, the way to cure the curse was to run
toward it, not away from it. Instead of avoiding second dates, I should be seeking them out.”
Lex shrugs. “I think that’d be a healthy next step.”
“But how would I make someone fall in love with me?” I ask, pinching my bottom lip between my fingers.
“Make someone fall in love with you?”
“You know what I mean. Like, how do I go from dating this person to breaking the curse with true love?”
Lex thinks a moment. “I guess in fairy tales it’s usually true love’s kiss that fixes curses.”
I laugh. “You’re right. But my life is about as far away from a Disney movie as it can get.”
“What are you implying?”
“What if it’s not a kiss?” I say, my mind whirring. “What if it’s the modern-day adult version?”
Lex’s brows furrow. “I really have no idea what you’re talking about.”
I look over at Lex with a grin. “True love’s fuck!”
Lex groans and covers her face with a hand. “Really?”
“Think about it! This all started with sex, so why wouldn’t it end with it? But, you know, with the right person, rather than
anyone I can convince to go to bed with me? I don’t think I’ve ever truly liked anyone I’ve had sex with—they were just the
people who happened to get past the curse before it had time to kick in—which, according to your science, means they were
as far away from being the right person for me as possible.”
Lex tuts. “I’m not sure if it’s scientific to extrapolate data this far.”
I flop onto the couch. “I can’t help it, Lex. This is the first time I’ve ever had a clue about what to do to fix this mess.”
Lex is quiet for a long moment. Then she sets her laptop down and joins me on the couch. “As hesitant as I am to jump to conclusions,
I agree that it wouldn’t hurt to explore this hypothesis. Going on some second dates would be a good next step. Besides, what’s
the worst—”
“Don’t say it!”
She purses her lips and rolls her eyes. “Fine.”
“But how am I supposed to get someone to fall in love with me and have sex with me to break the curse if it just gets more
awkward the closer I get?”
Lex shrugs. “What if you slowed things down with your relationships? Ease the person in so by the time they have sex with
you they’re basically halfway in love already.”
I give Lex a long look, then burst out laughing. “Hold on a second. You’re telling me to actually get to know someone before I have sex with them? Are you my mother? Wait, no, that’s not advice my mother would give.”
“Hey now, I’m the last person in the world to slut shame—controlling women’s bodies is patriarchal bullshit, and I absolutely agree that you need to take someone on a test drive before you get serious—but these are unprecedented circumstances we’re dealing with here.”
I hate how right she is, and I want to argue with her, but she’s making way too much sense. “Fine. Okay. No hanky-panky until
they’re falling for me. So, what now?”
“If we reorganize the data to sort your dates from least awkward to most awkward . . .” Lex clicks away on her laptop.
“Most awkward meaning most likely to find true love and break my curse,” I add.
Lex shows me the data and I take a moment to read the names, mulling over which person I can feasibly call back and beg for
another date. But something isn’t adding up. “Wait . . . this isn’t right.”
Lex frowns, glancing from me to her screen. “What?”
Realization hits me so hard I have to lean forward and brace my arms on my legs. “There’s something missing.”
Her eyes jump from me to her laptop and back. “I don’t miss things.”
“I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before,” I murmur.
“Think of what?”
I huff a laugh. “Oh my god. It’s so obvious. It’s been right in front of me the whole time.”
Lex leans forward. “It has been?”
I look deep into her eyes. “Lex?”
“Yes?” Her breath hitches in suspense.
“It’s your brother.”
Lex’s laptop falls out of her hands and clatters on the floor. “My brother?”
I grip her arms, my heart pounding. “It has to be! Don’t you see?”
Lex’s face is a neutral mask. “Are you . . . are you sure?”
I get up and pace the room. “I nearly ripped the poor guy’s penis off on the first date—I knew him for all of one hour before the curse tried to maim him.
And then at the waterslides my top flew off, and I had toilet paper stuck to my foot, and I choked on that corn dog, remember?
And we weren’t even on a date! It has to be him, Lex. ”
Lex places her elbows on her knees and clasps her hands.
“It makes so much sense,” I say to myself more than to her. “He’s literally the Perfect Guy. That’s what I thought when I
met him. He’s tall and handsome and kind and good with kids and has a great job and—oh my god, there’s no way he’ll go out
with me again.” I sit next to Lex and wrap my hands around hers, forcing her to look me in the eyes. “Lex, you have to convince
him to give me a second chance.”
“What!” Lex pushes my hands away, leaning back against the sofa to get some distance between us.
I scooch so close to her I’m practically on her lap. “Come on! Please?”
“What about Cowboy Guy? Or Vegan Guy? Or, or . . .”
“It’s Olsen, Lex.” I’m sure of it. It’s like something has settled in the base of my stomach. For the first time in forever
I can see a future that isn’t me dying alone surrounded by gingivitis-riddled geriatric dogs.
Lex shakes her head. “But that would be so . . . so . . .”
I tilt my head. “Awkward?”
Lex’s eyes widen slightly, then close as she takes a slow breath. “Fuck.”
“Fuck, indeed.”
Lex pushes away from me and walks across the room, crossing her arms. I give her time to process, but several long moments
after she doesn’t say anything, I start to panic, watching the possibility of my happily ever after begin to slide away.
I sit on the edge of the couch, my heart aching with the thought of getting this close and then giving up. “Lex, please? You
have to help me get another date with your brother.”
She eyes me over her shoulder, then looks away.
“We could be sisters-in-law,” I singsong.
She sighs so long and hard I’m thoroughly impressed by her lung capacity. Finally, she throws up her hands. “Fine. Fine! I’ll
set you up with him again.”
“Yes!” I jump off the couch and glom onto Lex, squeezing her tightly.
After a moment’s hesitation she hugs me back, softening into my embrace for a moment before pulling away and looking me in
the eye. “But, Aubrey?”
“Yeah?”
“Try not to break his dick. I really want to be an aunt one day.”
I release the hug and offer her my pinky finger. “Promise.”
“Really?” Lex eyes me. “A pinky swear? About my brother’s genitals?”
I hoist my pinky even higher. “Really, really.”
Despite the juvenility of the gesture, Lex takes my pinky in hers with all the seriousness the moment deserves. I’m absolutely
brimming with excitement and ready to get started on this next chapter of my life, but the look in Lex’s eyes suggests she’s
feeling otherwise. I suppose I can understand; hooking up your best friend with your brother must be awkward as fuck—which
is why this is going to work. I can feel it.