Chapter 8
Kenzie
No.
I was so shocked I couldn’t react quickly enough.
A swell of emotions wrapped around my heart.
No longer able to feel my legs, I gripped the wooden armrest of the swing to keep from falling, unable to think clearly.
The words he’d just uttered, the horrible admittance wasn’t possible. Their family was so close. I’d been jealous all my life, wishing I’d been born into the Beckett family. Will was jovial, always laughing. He was Stephen’s mentor. He was larger than life and Stephen took after him.
And he was dead.
Oh, my God.
“Stephen…”
When Axe slammed the front door, the sound jarring, I took a step backward, shocked by his explosive actions.
Exhaling, I hadn’t realized I’d been holding my breath until a sob formed and escaped, the sound agonizing.
I hadn’t been particularly close to his family, but in a town like Missoula, even with roughly seventy-eight thousand people, the city had always felt small.
Almost everyone had heard of everyone else to some capacity.
The Becketts were well known; both Carter and Caroline, mother and father in the medical field, were pillars of the community.
They gave to charities. They served the community, including when patients had no money to pay their bills, which was another reason they weren’t wealthy.
I’d been invited to spend time with the family several times.
I’d even been to a picnic at their house since their sister, Kimberly, had been in my class.
How had Will died? His older brother. The two of them had been so close. I couldn’t move, continued to have difficulty breathing as tears formed. Nothing was making any sense, including the garbled thoughts in my mind.
I’d sensed something was terribly wrong. Axe was a different man. The light in his eyes, the joy he’d had in just living had faded, his sadness overwhelming.
I took another deep breath, trying to control my emotions. The last thing he needed was me pestering him. But I had to at least set things right. I grabbed the bottle of booze, debating what to say to him
As quietly as possible, I opened the door, heading inside, easily finding him in the kitchen. He stood by the window with his palms on the counter, staring out at the afternoon sky, although I could tell he wasn’t registering what he was looking at.
He seemed to sense my presence, sighing the moment I walked into the kitchen. I wasn’t certain what to say. I’d never been very good at consoling anyone. Maybe because I’d never lost anyone close to me. Even my grandparents were still alive.
I moved closer to the kitchen island, placing my drink and the bottle on the counter. “I’m so sorry, Stephen.”
“Axe. My fucking name is Axe.”
“Axe,” I repeated, sensing he was on the very edge, fighting anger and despair. He wouldn’t look at me. “You’re not a terrible person or a killer. You’re kind and loving, you care about your family.”
His laugh was so bitter, so full of anger. “You didn’t know me then and you certainly don’t know me now, lady.”
“I know enough to realize how much you’re hurting,” I tossed back. Damn him for shutting me out. “I’m truly sorry about your brother. I had no idea. No one told me anything about it. Do you want to talk about what happened?”
“Hell fucking no.” The hateful barb was difficult to bear.
A flash of pain tore through me, but we weren’t close. In fact, I was invading his privacy, yet I was here and according to him, not going anywhere for a while.
“I’m sorry. What I said earlier was insensitive. I know how close you were with Will. He was a great man and he adored you.”
He tilted his head slightly as if listening to me, but his chest rose and fell, his breathing raspy. He’d always been on the edge as a young man, reckless in every activity he undertook. Now I feared he was ready to jump.
“Just go away, Kenzie. This isn’t something you can help me with. No one can.”
“Axe. Talking might help.”
“Leave. Me. Alone.”
That was the last thing he needed. When I didn’t jump like he demanded, I fought my nerves to remain right where I was. He needed someone. Damn it. I refused to allow him to slam the door in my face. Not again.
“I remember when you won the rodeo that May before I left for school. Will was so proud of you. He was yelling the loudest, telling everyone you’d just won the finals.” I kept my voice soft, comforting.
A strange expression crossed his face, but he shook his head, both appreciating and hating the memory.
“Did you know your brother was in attendance?”
“You mean the finals of the Professional Bull Riding in Fort Worth that year. Nah, I had no idea.”
“He was. That was the one where you beat the shit out of your closest competitor, which happened to be the kid being tutored and mentored by my father. You were unbelievable.”
“I didn’t know either one of you were there.”
I laughed, mostly to try to break through the tension.
He remained stiff as if uncertain why I was bothering.
“I don’t know how you didn’t hear Will. He was screaming your name.
So was everyone else. And yeah, I asked Daddy to take me with him.
I wanted to see you perform one last time.
Like I said, Will adored you. I don’t know what happened, but I do know you would never intentionally hurt anyone. ”
“You don’t know me, Kenz.”
“Bullshit. I call bullshit.”
He took a swig of his drink before hanging his head. “The fucking fire was mostly routine, something we’d tackled numerous times. He shouldn’t have died that day. He was distracted because of me.”
“What do you mean because of you?”
“The fire seemed routine, but the weather appeared unpredictable. Given we are shorthanded, Will was in charge of the operation and I ignored his rules at one point. I left the team, saving another jumper without authorization. Afterwards, we got into an argument. Then he went up in the helicopter, which I told him not to do, but you didn’t tell my brother to do or not to do something.
That’s not the way it worked with him. He lost control.
Wind drove him into the trees and he crashed right in front of me.
There was nothing that could be done to save him. Nothing.”
“I’m so, so sorry, Axe. But you didn’t cause the accident. And that’s what it was. An accident.”
“You weren’t there! He would have listened to me when I warned him about the possible wind shears had I not disobeyed rules.”
“No, I wasn’t there, but from what you told me, he was doing his job and he was good at it. Wasn’t he?”
“He was the best at what he did. The best of all of us.”
He was talking about his brother as a family member. Not as a smokejumper.
“You both are.”
“Fuck that. It should have been me.”
Very slowly, I moved around the island toward him. The tension increased but he didn’t push me away. When I was directly behind him, I raised my arms twice before I was able to place my hands on his forearms. “No, it shouldn’t have been either one of you. But the accident is not your fault.”
He threw his head back, slamming his fist on the counter. “Fuck. Why did he die? Why didn’t he listen to me?”
As soon as I stroked his arm, he took a scattered breath and I was certain he would pull away from me. I wasn’t fooling myself. I had no idea what he needed at this point and it seemed as if my presence caused him pain. That’s not what I wanted at all.
“I don’t know, Axe. However, he knew the risks and was highly trained. It was an accident and not your fault.”
“Like I said. You weren’t there.” The agony in his voice nearly shattered a portion of my soul. “You can’t understand.”
“No,” I whispered. “You’re right. I can’t. I don’t know what you’ve been through or are going through. I cannot imagine the danger in the profession you’ve chosen, but I do know one thing.”
When he managed to look at me if only for a couple of seconds, my heart started to melt. “What?”
“I know you. You’re an amazing man with a heart of gold.”
His laugh was bitter, a man going through an unspeakable tragedy who doubted everything about himself. “Like I said, it should have been me.”
“No, Stephen. That’s not true. It shouldn’t have been anyone.” I brushed my hand down his back, marveling in every muscle, every inch of ink covering his skin that hadn’t been there before.
He closed his eyes and I noticed his body was shaking, every muscle tense. The way he was holding his glass was with so much force, I was fearful he would crush it between his fingers.
“Just remember that he’ll always be with you in your heart and soul. And I do believe he’s looking down on you, very proud of everything you’ve accomplished.”
Whether or not he was listening to me I couldn’t quite tell, but when he turned around to face me, I prepared for an onslaught of anger.
His eyes were filled with various emotions, but not the rage I’d anticipated.
Something entirely different.
Something that looked very much like desire.
Very slowly I removed the glass from his hand, stretching so I could place it out of harm’s way. In doing so, our bodies were crowded together. So close. So full of extreme heat.
Seconds ticked by, each one more agonizing than the one before.
I was lost in the man and the moment, trying desperately to control my emotions as I pulled my hand free.
Every breath he took was labored, hot enough that when he exhaled, it felt as if he’d seared my skin. Very slowly I lifted my head.
Our eyes locked.
My heart thudded, jarring with its power.
“Fuck,” he whispered, the sound full of anguish.
The way his jaw clenched was unnerving, touching on the same behavior of years before, but there was a significant difference. As if the man had finally come into his own, more possessive.
Full of the kind of hunger typically reserved for two people in love.
Something we would never be.