Chapter Twenty-NineRoe
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Roe
Tap, tap, tap!
"Roe? You have a guest."
The door to my bedroom opens quietly, and I say the same singular word I have every other time a guest has come by. East with her misdirected guilt. Law with his jokes. Brett with his silence. Trent with a joint. Felix with his mother's baking. West with his regret.
"No.”
The door closes again with a soft click.
And I feel nothing.
Suddenly, a weight lands on the bed beside me. I cringe, my heart stuttering in my chest. No. Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me.
A loud huff brings me back to myself, and I roll over and come face to face with the saddest, goofiest face I have ever seen.
"Captain Floof."
My voice is little more than a croak as I open my nest, and Captain Floof lies beside me. I throw the blanket back over the both of us and snuggle close to the giant puppy dog.
He is warm and breathing and slightly smelly, if I am being honest, but I love it. I love him.
"I missed you," I whisper.
Suddenly, an overwhelming wave of emotion explodes inside of me. I groan and cry into Captain Floof's giant, furry mane. The shame, anger, despair, desperation, and loneliness all burst through the shattered remains of the walls I had sticky taped and super glued closed. I wasn't supposed to heal that way. I wasn't healed at all. I was ignoring the pain. Pushing it away and sealing it as tight as I could.
I was lying to myself.
As the pain overwhelms me, I clutch tighter at Captain Floof's fur, my tears slowly seeping into his fur. He endures it calmly, snuffling at my hair, nudging at my head with his nose until I turn to face him. He licks my tears away and waits patiently as I cleanse my soul.
The following morning, I wake with a heavy and hot weight half suffocating me to death .
I push at the giant dog and throw off my blanket, my body temperature cooling too quickly and covering my body in goosebumps. I get to my feet anyway and head to the bathroom.
For the first time in days, I turn on the shower. I undress, but I refuse to look at myself.
And then I freeze.
I am naked. Bare. Wholly vulnerable.
A soft knock sounds at the bedroom door, and Captain Floof woofs softly and trots to the door. But I am still frozen by the mirror, my breathing getting shallower and shallower, my chest tighter and tighter.
I. Can't. Breathe.
"Roe?"
His voice barely registers, but I know the deep baritone.
"Roe?" he is closer than before. Standing right behind me now. His breath was warm on my shoulder.
"Let me help you, Roe," he whispers. "Please."
I nod, slowly at first, then faster.
"Help me," I cry helplessly.
West doesn’t touch me to start with. Instead, he walks around me and turns the shower tap off. Without turning back to face me, he leans over the bath and turns that on instead. He stays facing away from me as the bath fills with steaming water. He doesn’t add bubbles or oils, and I am secretly thankful. I don't think I could ever smell anything excessively sweet again without needing to hurl.
Finally, the bath is full, and he turns off the tap.
Then he turns to face me.
Instinctively, I hunch my shoulders and wrap my arms around my chest. But he isn’t looking at my body.
He is looking at my eyes.
He holds out a hand and waits patiently for me to take it. After taking a deep breath, I do. He steadies me as I step into the hot water. It’s almost too hot, but that’s perfect.
I sit and relax as best as I can against the porcelain tub. West squats beside me.
"May I?" he asks, holding up my purple loofah sponge.
I nod and close my eyes.
He doesn’t touch me with his skin like he knows how much my own is crawling right now at the very thought of it. No, he very carefully runs the sponge along my body. He starts with one foot, up to my knee, then does the other. Then he moves to my hands, arms, and shoulders. Slowly, ever so slowly, my mind eases, and I feel my muscles loosen in response.
"Lean forward," West whispers .
I do, concentrating on my breathing as I hug my knees to my chest. West runs the sponge along my spine and outwards. Then his finger accidentally grazes my shoulder blade.
We both freeze.
"I-" he gulps nervously. "I’m sorry. I didn't mean-"
"It's ok," I interrupt in a whisper that is barely there. But he hears it. "Do it again."
He hesitates. Then his fingers are lightly running along my spine, goosebumps trailing in their wake. I can't stop myself from flinching.
"That is enough for today," West says. He steps away from the tub and grabs me a fresh towel from beneath the vanity and places it where I can reach. "I will leave this for you here. I'm going to take Chaos- I mean, Captain, outside for a little while. You can join us… if you would like?"
He leaves, closing the door behind him. I can't help the small smile that plays at my lips at his sudden timidness. The great and mighty Duke shrunk to a baby. A Baby Duke.
I release the plug and stand, the water clinging to my skin as I rise, causing a wave to ripple through its depths. I step out and raise my eyes.
And I see me .
I look mostly the same. Maybe I have lost a few kilos, the skin of my face is sallow, there are bags under my eyes, and my side is an ugly purple. But it is still me. I am still me.
Slowly, I take a step closer. I reach out. My reflection does the same. We touch. Just a finger. Then two. Then our whole hand.
Her lips tremble, and a tear rolls down her cheek. My cheek.
"What is a pane of glass to make me feel so abused?" I whisper.
"And this is how I break you."
I scream through my teeth and slap my hand against the glass.
"You won't break me!" I yell through the tears that are blurring my vision. Distorting my reflection. "You can't! You're dead!" I laugh. It is sudden and slightly mad, but it is healing . "You are dead, Sir ! And I am alive! You hear that? I. AM. ALIVE!”