91. Chapter 89
Emery
My heart is fucking pounding.
Like, I legit think I might pass out. Or throw up. Or both.
They are standing there, staring at me.
In silence.
Zero words.
Which is just making all the sounds my body normally hides from me extra fucking loud.
Is this a mistake? Should I not have come? Should I have chosen Will?
Tears burn the backs of my eyes.
Am I too late?
Lowering my arm, I shift my weight backward, preparing to make a getaway at the first sign of their anger. No way am I standing around and letting them yell at me.
Xavier’s eyes break away from mine and dip down to my feet before zooming back up to my face. “Little dove…” he growls in warning, and it makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. “Don’t even think about leaving.”
That seems to snap the other three out of their staring competition.
Darcy jolts in place, eyes widening. “Leave? You just got here.”
I take a shuddering inhale and blink rapidly, trying to clear the mistiness. “Uh, okay.”
Derek’s shocked face smooths out as he starts in my direction, each step controlled, tempered, like he is approaching a wild animal that will flee if he makes a sudden move.
I mean… he isn’t wrong.
There is an even split down my center about whether being here is a good idea. Maybe I should have waited until tomorrow?
No.
Fuck.
No.
I want them. I do. More than anything. Forcing myself to be away from them this entire time has been the worst kind of self-flagellation ever.
No.
I’m standing my ground against every single internal voice that is screaming at me to run, to leave. To protect myself. That I can’t trust them. That they are like everyone else in my past who let me down. That they don’t deserve a second chance.
But unlike everyone else who let me down, they didn’t stop showing up. They’ve been here, with me, this entire time. Giving me the space I asked for. Respecting my wishes, even though they did push my boundaries whenever I gave them the opportunity to.
I could have said no, used my safe word. But I didn’t, because, deep down, I wanted what they were offering.
I want them.
Now.
Tomorrow.
Forever.
But only after we discuss the changes I want to make to the contract.
Derek has gotten as close as the edge of the couch, not really leaving the others but clearly trying to bridge the distance. “When you say you want to discuss the contract, do you mean a termination?”
I rear back like I’ve been slapped. “What? No! I just want to make some changes.”
The throwing-up feeling has returned, and I wrap my arms around my middle, the contract crinkling in my hand as I crush it to me.
The only reason I’m not actually sick is because their collective tension falls several levels. I see it in the way their shoulders drop, the lines on their faces smooth out, and the deep breath that Hudson takes as he looks away from me.
Derek tempts another step closer, holding out a hand to me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to assume. Why don’t you come and sit with us on the couch, and we can go through it together?”
This is it.
This is my last moment to leave.
I shift to the side and take a look back at the door, trying to assess my feelings through all the buzzing nervousness, fear, and I think…excitement.
Just as I’m sure I want to stay, there is a very quiet plea from a man that I am sure would never beg.
“Please.”
Heart in my throat, I turn back to Derek and find him significantly closer. We’re within touching distance. All I need to do is reach out and put my hand in the one he is holding out to me.
My gaze traces up his arm, over his button-up covered chest, to his face, and find eyes full of heartbreak and hope. “Please, baby. Stay and talk to us. Show us the changes you need. Walk us through what you need to feel safe with us again.”
His voice is rough, nothing like what I’m used to hearing from him. It’s broken and so full of emotion that my chest aches for him.
I want this. I want this. I want this.
I. Want. This.
With them.
As I raise my hand and place it in his, our warm palms connecting, every single nervous butterfly, bee, and wasp soothes itself into a gentle glide. Everything settles into place because I have my Daddy with me, and he is going to help me put this all back together the way we all want it.
Derek’s fingers close around my hand, and my eyes slide closed as I revel in the sensation, my body flowing along as he applies gentle pressure to pull me closer to him. My cheek presses into his chest, his musky cologne wrapping around me as he cups the back of my head with his other hand.
“It’s okay, we are going to sort everything out.”
I feel his voice more than I hear it. The deep timbre makes me want to rub my face against him like a cat. But I don’t, obviously.
I tip my head back to look up at him, not sure what I want to say, but like every other time I haven’t known how to ask for what I want, he seems to know exactly what I need. Pulling back from me, he turns and leads me to the couch, my hand conveniently still in his.
As we get closer, my gaze flicks up to the TV, and I come to such a sudden halt that Derek accidentally yanks on my arm. He looks from me to the TV, and his cheeks turn a little pink.
“I, uh, paused it when I saw Oakley sitting alone.”
A grin starts to form on my face. “Were you watching me?”
“We were watching the game,” he mutters, tugging on my hand. “When the camera was showing the crowd, I caught sight of your friend and paused it on her. You weren’t there.”
I allow myself to be dragged along, but when he tries to guide me down onto the center of the couch next to Xavier, I take matters into my own hands and sit on the coffee table, facing the four of them, since Darcy lobbed himself over the back and is sitting on the other side of Hudson.
My gaze roams from one side of the couch to the other, taking in each of their faces.
Darcy. Hudson. Xavier. Derek.
Darcy reaches forward and holds out a hand. “Here, let me take your bag for you.”
I look down at where he is gesturing to my shoulder and frown. Fuck, I forgot about that. Shrugging out of the bag, I offer it to him, careful not to crease the papers any more than they already are.
Once he has put it to the side of the couch and returned to sitting, we go back to the awkward stare off from earlier, and I start to wish I didn’t give up my bag. Now I have nothing to fiddle with to try and deal with this nervous energy running through me.
“Why don’t you show us what you want to change?” Hudson asks, shifting so that he is on the edge of the couch, angled toward me.
Nodding, I go to the first page and find the first sparkly red ink mark I made while in the cab. As I’d left the arena, there were several taxis loitering out front, which sparked a bratty idea.
Knowing that Xavier would be tracking my location, if I got a cab, I could turn my phone off and pay with cash.
Let them stew in the unknown for a little longer.
So, I spoke to one of the drivers and explained that I needed a lift home and then to a second location, and thankfully he agreed to chauffeur me around.
The contract was on my desk, buried under a few of my textbooks.
I’d spared a glance at my bracelet on my bedside table but opted to leave it there for the same reasons I’d turned my phone off.
Honestly, not having it on made me feel weird, but that will be an issue I can resolve the moment I’m back at my dorm.
“Uh, okay. So, the first thing I want to change is, um, the weekends.” I trace my finger over the red ink, smoothing across the paper all the way to the edge. Keeping my breathing deep and even is proving to be difficult, especially when no one speaks right away.
“What about the weekends, princess?” Darcy prompts, and I meet his dark blue eyes, the little crinkles around the outer corners deeper than usual.
“I want to take them out of the contract.”
Darcy’s brows furrow. “As in, you only want to spend evenings with us?”
I shake my head and swallow, knowing my nerves are keeping me from explaining properly.
I can do this. “I don’t want it to be just weekends.
I know the contract also mentions dates during the week and whatever, but I don’t want just weekends.
I want all the time. I read about it—I think it’s twenty-four seven or something. ”
“Lifestyle?” Hudson suggests, the corners of his mouth tipping up. “You want to be with us always? In a dynamic the entire time?”
I nod. “Yes, that one. But maybe not the entire time? I don’t know. I just don’t want it to feel contractual.” My hand clenches around the papers, and they crinkle a little. “I know we need this, so that we know where we stand on each thing, but I also…I don’t know, it feels like we aren’t…”
My words trail off because I have no idea what I’m trying to say exactly. Frustration sits heavily across my chest, and I look at Derek to try and get some help.
He shifts so that he can reach for my hand. “I think what you mean is, you want a relationship, rather than a contractual agreement that requires you to be with us. Less paper and more feelings? Is that right?”
I inhale deeply, until my lungs scream, and let it all out in a rush. “Yes.”
Derek grins and nods, then looks down along the couch at the others. “I think we can accept that change, what do you think?”
Hudson and Darcy make noises of agreement, and I finally bring myself to look at Xavier. His eye contact makes me wish I could hide, it’s so direct and almost intimidating.
“No dates with anyone else.”
“No dates with anyone else,” I repeat, heart feeling like it’s beating in an empty room.
He nods and settles deeper into the couch cushions.
“What else is on your list?” Darcy asks.
I glance down at the first page and check that there are no other notes for this page, then flip over to the next sheet. This one has a bit more sparkly red on it.
“This might be easier if you read through it,” I murmur and turn the paper around for them to see.