Chapter 13
Annie
“What do you mean you don’t want to do anything to celebrate your last summer?” Mia whines, the sun highlighting the golden specks in her brown eyes.
She and I are sharing a patio chair in Drew and Emmett’s backyard as we watch Luke and Eddie play fetch with Rosie and Daisy.
“You start rotations in a few weeks,” Drew adds from her chair across from us. Her red hair is braided, a few pieces loose to frame her face. Her lack of sleep is barely noticeable behind her new-mom glow as she holds a one-week-old Lennon against her chest.
I wait for her to clarify why my rotations starting constitutes as a reason to celebrate. “Your last hurrah at this stage in your life?” she adds, with an attitude that says duh, Annie , but I just keep staring at her, my eyebrows raising. “The kickoff to the last year of vet school?” Even more attitude.
“Those are not reasons to celebrate.”
She lets out a groan, her head falling back against the chair. “You’re no fun,” she exasperates.
I resist the urge to roll my eyes, ignoring both of my friends throwing temper tantrums. “It’s no big deal. I want Saturday to be like any other Movie Night, that way Lenny can be there too.”
“But it isn’t just any other Movie Night,” Mia argues. “We want to celebrate before it’s too late. Soon, it’ll be August, and you’ll be too busy with your last three weeks at the shelter.” I try to hide the curve of my lips as she rambles. “Then it’ll be September, and you’ll be too busy and tired for the next twelve months becoming a bigshot veterinarian, saving the lives of all the cutie little animals of the world.”
“True,” I start, stretching up the word. I’m still not convinced this weekend should be anything special. “So, Drew can give me her turn to pick the movie,” I reply with a smile, only for Drew to give me a mock smile in return and reach into her drink on the table next to her to throw an ice cube at me.
The three of us laugh, putting a pin in the conversation.
Drew goes inside to change Lennon, and Mia and I watch Eddie and Luke run around with their dogs, Emmett shaking his head at the four of them, but I can make out the small smile on his face.
“So, almost another full week at Luke’s,” Mia says as we watch the boys.
“Almost,” I echo with a sigh. My eyes find Luke as he tosses the tennis ball to Eddie for him to throw for Rosie and Daisy.
It’s been almost a week since our conversation about Luke not only admitting he didn’t want to be a lawyer but how he also admitted to trying to find a place for me before even knowing if I wanted to move back to my old apartment or not.
Luke is taking on most of the responsibility of Lenny’s with Emmett staying home with Drew and the baby, so even though he was off, he still went in both Saturday night, and most of Sunday to make sure everything was okay.
I also had this nagging feeling that he was avoiding me until it was replaced with the urge to punch myself in the face for caring if he was ignoring me or not.
We didn’t see much of each other the rest of the weekend, and we fell back into our normal routine when the work week started. Tonight is the first night he hasn’t been to Lenny’s all week, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he heads over there after this.
“Annie?”
I look at Mia. “What?”
“I asked if things were going okay, but you were too busy staring at Luke.”
“Don’t be dumb,” I say as I lightly slap her on the arm. “I was just thinking about how I’m surprised he isn’t racing Rosie and Daisy to get to the ball first.”
Mia lets out a sigh as if she’s disappointed in me.
“What?”
“You don’t get to do this forever, you know,” she says, raising an eyebrow at me as if daring me to argue with her.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I reply, untucking my hair behind my ears in case they’re turning red.
“When are you going to admit you have feelings for Luke?”
“Who has feelings for Luke?” Drew asks, as she closes the screen door behind her, holding a baby monitor.
“Annie,” Mia answers at the same time I say, “No one. ”
“Well, duh,” Drew says as she sits down, setting down the baby monitor on the table in front of us. “We all know that.”
“You all know nothing,” I deadpan.
“We know that both of you have feelings for each other. Luke is obvious about it, and you pretend you don’t like it when really you do,” Mia informs, proving to me that I’m not as good at hiding my feelings as I thought I was.
“We know that something happened between you guys when you were young, the same way something happened at my wedding,” Drew adds. “We want you to know that we love you and support you, and there is nothing you can tell us that will change that.”
I cross my arms, feeling defensive because it’s like the walls I’ve built over the years aren’t as strong as I thought they were.
Or, there is nothing strong enough to keep these two out.
I let out an exhale.
I’ve never felt the urge to open up about Luke to Mia and Drew, only because I don’t want them to take on any of my shit. It’s mine to deal with for a reason, not theirs.
I can’t tell them how it hurts to breathe when I think about what happened between me and Luke.
I can’t tell them that I finally feel like I have a heartbeat again after all these years of thinking my heart didn’t work.
I can’t tell them that being near Luke is so fucking confusing because all it does is bring up all these feelings and memories I have no business remembering.
If I tell them, it can be used against me—a way to hurt me.
That’s what happens when you let people all the way in.
“I know what you’re thinking.” Drew sighs. “I know that look.”
“What look?”
“You’re thinking of all the ways to keep us out,” Mia answers for her, and I can’t hide the surprise on my face at the fact that I think these two bitches are mind-readers.
“It’s what you do, Ann,” Drew continues. “You keep us at arms-length, and you think we don’t notice.”
“That’s not true,” I argue. “You two are my best friends.”
“Exactly,” Mia counters, grabbing my arm from where it’s crossed over my chest, and wrapping her hand around mine. “That’s how we know when you’re pushing us away.”
“We know you,” Drew urges, getting up to sit on the other side of the patio couch Mia and I are on. “We know you pull away when you think you’re asking for too much, but I’m telling you right now that there is nothing you can do that will ever make us love you any less.”
I feel a sting in the back of my eyes. “You guys don’t get it. I’m not the kind of person who people want to keep around. I do more harm than good, and you’ll see it, one way or another.” The words feel therapeutic to get out, but the weight on my shoulders doesn't lighten. “I’m going to do something that’ll make you see that I’m not worth all of this.”
Drew grabs my other hand with both of hers, and I look at her, tears welling up in my eyes. “You are not a burden, Annie. Not to us or Emmett, or Eddie, or Luke. You are our family. ”
I let a tear fall from the corner of my eye, the first tear I have let fall in I don’t know how long. Drew’s eyes glisten, and she looks at Mia.
“We know what it’s like to feel like you have to be strong, even at your weakest,” Mia assures me, “and we have both felt the universe actively working against us, especially when we’re barely holding ourselves together.”
Drew’s hands squeeze around mine at the same time a few more tears race down my cheeks. With the hand not holding mine, Mia tucks the hair framing my face behind my ear. “But it will also give you people who will hold you together if you need to fall apart.”
“I wish it were that simple,” I whisper, closing my eyes.
“It is that simple,” Mia stresses, and for a second, I let myself believe her.
Both Mia and Drew have shown me that the friends and family I had before I found them were not the kind that I deserved. I know that.
But I can’t shake this feeling that Mia and Drew are too good to be true.
And I hate myself for thinking that.
“Whatever happened to you, Ann, you can tell us,” Drew says.
“I’ve never talked about it.”
“Whenever you’re ready,” Mia adds, “we’re here.”
The two close in on me, hugging me from both sides, making true on their promise to hold me together when I’m seconds away from falling apart.
“They never let us join their group hugs,” I hear Eddie joke from a few yards away. The three of us laugh before releasing one another, all of us wiping our eyes as the boys approach.
“Or their heart-to-hearts,” Luke adds with a fake sadness in the form of puppy-dog eyes and a jut-out lip.
I’m thankful for the laugh that bubbles in my throat, one that must surprise Luke by the way his eyebrows raise at me.
“All good?” Emmett asks, and it takes me a second to realize he’s not asking Drew.
“All good,” I reply.
The six of us shoot the shit and chat on the patio for another hour before we all head our separate ways.
Drew and Emmett fall back into their new routine as parents.
Mia, Eddie, and Daisy head home to their apartment.
Luke heads to Lenny’s.
I head back to Luke’s with Rosie, my heart feeling a little fuller than it did this morning.