Chapter 23
Annie
Good thing Drew and Mia didn’t pursue theater—neither of them can act for shit.
We walk through the front doors of the grocery store, and both are trying to act like my reaction to forgetting the powdered sugar for the brownies was completely normal. Like I didn’t just almost burst into tears in front of all of them because of it.
They didn’t say anything to me on the ten-minute car ride here, Mia driving with me up front and Drew in the back seat. They didn’t try to console me or ask what was wrong; we all just listened to the music Mia played.
Now, they’re pretending not to watch me out of the corner of their eyes as I lead us to the baking aisle.
“So,” I start as we walk to the shelves with the different types of sugar, “you’re not going to ask me?”
“Ask you what?” Drew asks, trying—and failing—to act like she isn’t wondering what’s wrong.
I roll my eyes andfeel Mia’s hip lightly bump mine.
“There she is,” Mia says. “I don’t know where she went, but the Annie I knew was not the one that walked into my apartment tonight.”
I shake my head and hold back a smile. “Luke told me he ran into someone from our high school yesterday,” I explain, reaching out to grab a bag of powdered sugar, hugging it against my chest. “It put me in a funk.”
“Any particular reason why?” Drew asks, and I don’t ignore that the three of us are about to have this conversation—one I’ve never had with anyone—in a goddamn grocery store.
The aisle we’re in is currently empty, so I exhale before continuing. “I had a hard time in high school.” I don’t know why I don’t call it what it was, say the word aloud— bullied . I was bullied in high school, but I can’t get myself to say it. “One of the guys he ran into was dating a girl who used to be my fri—” I can’t even get the word out because I hear a voice behind me that makes my blood run cold.
“Vivian Mitchell?”
I don’t turn around.
It’s like deciding to open up about this conjured her into existence—a sick joke if you ask me. This is what I get for trudging all this up and bringing it into the open.
Maybe, if I stay where I am, looking at Drew and Mia’s confused faces that are looking past me at the person who is now walking towards me, she’ll go away. Or, maybe, if I’m lucky, the ground will swallow me whole.
Why did I think taking a second to explain to Drew and Mia why I wasn’t myself tonight would be the end of it? Why did I think the universe would be on my side? That I can run in here, forget that Luke ran into Grant and dug up all the feelings I’ve desperately tried to keep buried, grab this powdered sugar, and just enjoy the rest of my night with my friends before I start the toughest year of my education tomorrow.
Of course not, luck has never been on my side.
“Vivian?” I hear it again, and this time, the voice is closer .
“Do you know her, Ann?” Mia asks, her hand gently grabbing my elbow. My arms are still crossed over the bag of powdered sugar I’m holding to my chest, and if I squeeze my arms any tighter, the plastic might pop.
“Can we help you?” Drew says, her voice polite, but I can tell that she is wary because of my reaction.
I finally turn around, and any traces of the new and improved Annie melt away. I’m no longer the girl who takes no shit or bashes the truck of a grown man with a baseball bat.
I’m the girl who is afraid of her own shadow because it might be taking up too much space.
Devin looks the same, just older. Her brown, almost black, hair is still pin straight, but it’s cut to fall just above her shoulders, and she has harsh bangs across her forehead. Her blue eyes are similar to Luke’s—only I wish I could float in his. Devin’s eyes have always had something lurking below the surface, something that will swallow me whole.
“It’s been so long,” she says, and the smile she has on her face, as if she’s happy to see me, is insulting. “Grant told me he ran into Luke, but I didn’t think that meant I’d see you.”
My first instinct is to ask her what the hell she means by that, that she has no business even thinking of Luke, but my mouth feels dry. The words don’t come.
When I don’t say anything, she continues. “I’ve meant to reach out over the years. I really do feel bad about how we left things.”
“You feel bad ?” I grit out, finally finding my voice, and I feel my nails dig into my palms as I clench my fists.
“Of course I do,” she exclaims, almost as bad an actress as Drew and Mia. She’s holding a basket with a few groceries over one arm, the other she brings to her chest. “I only showed you the video, so you’d know the truth. I know you might not see it that way, but I did it for your own good.”
“Video?” I hear Mia ask; I feel Drew’s wariness behind me, while all I feel is anger coming from Mia.
“Oh, sorry,” Devin says, looking past me at Mia and Drew. “I’m Devin. I was friends with Viv—”
“Annie,” I interrupt, but it’s no more than a whisper.
Devin looks at me. “Did you say something?”
“I go by Annie.”
“Oh, right. I could never get used to Luke calling you that.” She laughs, but it’s more of a cackle. “Anyway, you seem to be doing,” she pauses, looking me up and down, and I feel smaller than I have in years, “well.”
There’s so much I want to say, but I feel trapped inside my body.
“And for what it’s worth, if it weren’t me, it would’ve been some girl he met in college.” She shrugs her shoulders, and she tries her best to look genuine, like she actually believes what she is saying or that it’s helpful in any way.
If I didn’t know any better, I might have missed the patronizing look with the familiar trace of triumph on her face.
“We’re leaving,” I hear Mia say over my shoulder, and I feel both her and Drew place a hand on my back, leading me forward past Devin. As we pass her, I avoid her eyes, watching the floor as we walk down the aisle. “And for what it’s worth, ” Mia says over her shoulder, “being a mean girl in your twenties is embarrassing. Get a fucking life.”
** *
Walking out of the grocery store is a blur. One of the girls bought the powdered sugar, the other helped me to the car. The whole time, I couldn’t stare anywhere but my shoes, trying to at least hold it in until I got to the car.
Drew put me in the backseat with her, and before Mia could even drive out of the parking lot, I was crying into Drew’s lap.
It’s the first time I think I have truly cried—not just a few tears—since the night Devin and the other girls sat and watched me in the corner of Grant’s parents’ basement.
But I’m not crying because of what just happened.
I’m crying because of how I let someone like Devin have so much power over me for so long. Someone who was supposed to be on my side but turned on me the first chance she had. Someone who I trusted to be there for me, to support me, but used my deepest fears against me.
Devin knew how much Luke meant to me; she knew how being loved by him felt more like a dream than a reality—those are the types of things you tell your best friend when you’re young and in love.
My feelings for Luke are so tied up in this whole situation, and I go back and forth on being embarrassed about it to wanting to slap myself in the face for not doing something about it sooner.
I feel Drew’s fingers in my hair as she lets me cry, and I feel Mia’s hand wrap around mine. Through the tears, I see her arm reached behind her, and one hand on the steering wheel, and it makes me cry even more.
I don’t feel like I have to be strong—they’re giving me the space to fall apart. And just like they promised, they’re here for when I’m ready to put myself back together.
After a while, the car stops moving. I don’t know if Mia took the long way home, or if these ten minutes just felt like hours, but we are parked outside Mia and Eddie’s apartment complex.
I let go of Mia’s hand and push myself up from Drew’s lap, wiping my hands across my cheeks. My first instinct is to apologize, but they stop me before I can. “Don’t,” Drew and Mia say at the same time, and I see both their eyes glisten as I look back and forth between them.
“Don’t you dare apologize for falling apart,” Drew says.
“And I won’t apologize for going back there and punching that bitch in the face,” Mia says, turning around in the driver seat. “Seriously, Ann. I’ve never seen you like that.”
“Me either,” Drew adds.
I sigh. “I haven’t felt like that. Not since moving here, meeting you guys.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Drew asks.
I feel myself nod, and now there’s no going back.
“Wait,” Mia says, before getting out of the driver’s side and rounding the car. She opens the car door to the backseat that is vacant next to me and squeezes in until I’m squished between the two of them.
I can’t help but laugh. “We can go inside. The boys are probably ruining dinner as we speak.”
Drew waves a hand. “All they have to do is pull out the lasagna when the timer goes off. They can handle that.”
I shake my head, but I feel my lips curl in a smile. Even with my cheeks still wet from my tears and my eyes swollen, smiling feels good, even if it’s just for a second .
I take in a deep inhale, and I feel Drew grab my left hand and Mia grab my right as I exhale. “I was bullied in high school.” Drew lets out a small gasp and Mia squeezes my hand. “I didn’t realize it still affected me so much until tonight.”
“Of course, it affects you,” Drew says, her teacher side coming out. “There are so many studies that show bullying has a lasting effect into adulthood. That is nothing to be ashamed of.”
I nod. “We were friends before that, Devin and me. We had other friends too, Penelope, Bea, Eliza, we were all close going into freshman year. Then something changed. I wanted to audition for the school’s musical, and Devin and the other girls wanted to try out for cheerleading. I didn’t think much of it at the time, and I thought we would still be friends who were just into different things.
“I got the lead in the musical my freshman year, and it was a pretty big deal. Freshmen were usually in the ensemble, but I was able to land the main female role. I was so excited to tell them.”
I remember running down the hallway and finding Luke, barely being able to get out the words. He hugged me and said he was proud of me, but I told him I had to go and find Devin. I couldn’t wait to tell her—my best friend.
“When I told them—Devin and our other friends—they seemed happy for me. I didn’t think anything was wrong until I came to school the next day and found out Devin and the girls didn’t make the cheerleading team. I felt like a complete asshole for making the day before all about me, and I wanted to apologize. But I didn’t have a chance because I heard the rumor about how I got the role. ”
Even though it was years ago, I still remember the shame and embarrassment I felt, and I wish I could go back and tell my younger stuff that it wasn’t my fault I felt that way.
“Rumor?” Mia prompts, and I turn to her.
“They told everybody that I got the role because I offered a blowjob to the music director.”
“Are you fucking serious?” Mia exclaims, her voice sounding much louder in the quiet car. “There’s so much wrong with what you just said.”
“Um, let’s start with the fact that you thought you had to apologize for being excited about an achievement to your friends . Fuck that. Fuck them,” Drew adds, her voice just as loud and just as pissed.
“And to start such a horrible and harmful rumor! Does she understand not only how wrong it is to say that but how damaging and dangerous it is?” Mia stresses, her hand closing so tightly around mine, but I don’t think she notices.
“Do you think she’s still at the store?” Drew asks, and I can’t help but laugh at the sentiment, knowing my best friends would fight for me.
I shake my head before either can jump back in the front seat. “She’s not worth it.”
“Well, I’m sure it all didn’t stop there,” Drew says, alluding to the bullying. As a teacher, she knows all about the dangers and patterns of it. It usually doesn’t just go away.
“Nope,” I say, accentuating the “p”, leaning my head back on the car seat. I let go of their hands holding mine. “The rumor circled and faded when something more interesting came along. The rumor would resurface every time I got a good part in the school’s musicals or plays, but the damage was already done.” While I was a target, I wasn’t a good one. I didn’t react the way they wanted me to, but little did they know I was just too scared to react. I didn’t scream or cry or beg them to stop. I just took it. I took every shoulder check in the hallway, every trip over someone’s foot, all the whispers when I walked by, all the times I walked into a room and everyone pretended I was invisible.
I wished I was.
Every day.
But being too scared to react just made them try harder.
So hard that teachers started to notice, but I wouldn’t let them do anything. Too scared that it would just make it all worse.
I sigh. “I was terrified to go to school because I didn’t know what to expect when I got there, but I was more terrified to stay home and explain to my parents what was happening.”
“And let me guess, you didn’t want to be a problem or a burden for your parents,” Drew rhetorically asks, leaning her head back next to mine. A small, sad, knowing smile on her face.
“You might not believe this, but I was really good at not taking up space when I was a kid.” I go for self-deprecating humor, but it doesn’t warrant the reaction I thought it would.
“You deserve to take up space, Ann,” Drew reassures, and I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear it.
I don’t like how I’ve felt about myself these last 24 hours, ever since Luke told me about running into Grant. I don’t like thinking that the confidence I’ve grown is fake or forced because I’m not the girl who needs to play a different role to feel like I deserve to be here.
I’m done feeling that way.
“I like you better when you take up space hitting grown men’s trucks with baseball bats,” Mia adds, making us all smile.
“I just didn’t need to be reminded that I was meant to be seen and not heard, or that they didn’t even want me in the first place,” I explain, resisting the urge to flinch at my own words. I’m so used to hearing them in my own head, but I didn’t remember how harsh they were when said aloud.
“Their loss, because we want you,” Mia replies, her head falling onto my shoulder as she leans back.
“Good, because you’re stuck with me now,” I joke, but I mean every word. I make a mental note to talk to both of them—after I walk them through this mess—about therapy and the process that comes with it. Both of them, their husbands too, are huge advocates for it after how much they found it helped them.
Tonight showed me that if I want to be done with these feelings, I have a lot of work to put in and a lot of shit to trudge up. Not only with the bullying and the stuff with Luke, but the shit with my parents too.
I don’t want to let it affect me so much anymore, and it’s way too heavy to keep carrying around.
Drew asks, “So, what does all of this have to do with you and Luke?”
The smile on my face quickly fades, but my walls are already down, might as well stomp all over them, so I couldn’t build them back up even if I wanted to.
“There was a party the night before everyone left for college. I only went because Luke wanted to.”
“So, to clarify, you and Luke did date?” Mia asks, and I realize I haven’t explained the history Luke and I have.
“Long story short, we met in first grade, grew up together, became close friends, and started dating in high school. He asked to be my boyfriend one night when we snuck out to walk on the beach by the lake. He gave me a rose, and we had our first kiss, and blah, blah, blah. The rest is history.”
“Aw, is that why you got the rose tattoo on your hip when we went out for Drew’s birthday two years ago?” Mia’s voice is high and hopeful.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I reply too quickly, which I am realizing I say a lot when I don’t want to answer questions. “Anyway,” I continue, “we went to this party and Devin and the other girls came up to Luke and me and said they wanted to talk. Something about wanting to spend time with me before we all left for school, so I told Luke I’d be back and went off with them.”
“Why don’t I like where this is going?” I hear Mia ask, but it’s more to herself than anyone else.
I should’ve known better than to go with them, to believe they wanted to spend time with me. I was naive to think they wanted to apologize, and I know that now.
Maybe it’s why I’ve been so stubborn, so embarrassed, to tell anyone about all of this. I spent four years being the target of these four girls—and they knew exactly how to hurt me because they were my friends first—yet going with them was like giving them permission to let them hurt me that night.
They were the ones who taught me that allowing yourself to get close to someone gives them all the power to hurt you.
“Once they got me away from Luke, Devin told me they wanted to show me something. Apparently, the night before, she and Penelope went to the house where all the hockey guys were. Penelope was dating the guy who was hosting, and, well, Luke was on the hockey team, and—” I pause because I’ve never had to put this next part into words outside my head before. “He hooked up with Devin. She showed me a video of her on his lap, and they were kissing.”
Apparently, her and Grant had been on a break, and I wouldn’t put it past Devin to think this was killing two birds with one stone—getting back at Grant and hurting me in the process.
I look directly in front of me, feeling both Mia and Drew freeze beside me.
“The video was only a minute long of them making out before cutting off as Devin stands up and holds her hand out to Luke, but she was all too eager to fill in the blanks for me.”
“He cheated?” Mia questions, her voice now a whisper.
I nod my head.
“Does Luke know about the video? Or that you saw it?” Drew asks. “And are we sure we believe what she said?”
“No, and I don’t know, but it was hard to believe anything else after watching the video of the two of them. I almost told Luke last night, but I got so mad at him when he said he didn’t remember anything happening that night. I’m pissed we’re in this situation at all. I mean, it’s been seven years. I should be over it by now. And if it’s all been some big lie, then you guys are going to be bailing me out of jail when I beat the shit out of her.”
Drew shakes her head, trying to hide an inappropriate smile and my inappropriate response to dealing with conflict. “There might be more to the story. ”
“And you guys deserve your second chance. Annie, Luke is so in love with you, it hurts me that he can’t have you,” Mia adds.
I blow out a breath that comes out a little like a laugh but then turns into a groan. “I know, you’re right. But seriously, seven years? Last night, Luke said the night was a blur because—”
I don’t even finish the sentence
It’s the first time I’ve ever told the story to anyone, actually said the words out loud.
It’s also the first time I realize that Luke had been drinking the night before Grant’s party.
I sit up straight and immediately feel like I have to get out of the car.
“What?” Mia and Drew speak at the same time.
“He could barely remember the night because he was drinking .” I finally say, looking back and forth at both of them, and I can’t believe I could ever be so stupid.
“Okay,” Mia says slowly, “but what does—” her eyes widen, coming to the same conclusion as me.
“He said the night was a blur,” Drew reiterates, and I feel like I’m going to throw up.