Chapter 38
Annie
I’m running out of steam.
What is that Mia said? You can’t be someone’s strength when you’re at your weakest?
Technically, you can. I just highly recommend against it.
It’s been two weeks since Bennett’s funeral, and Luke is doing the best he can, as well as you can after losing your brother and punching your dad in the face at a funeral.
He’s been seeing a therapist, but the grief comes in waves. Some days, Luke seems okay, good even, but other days, he struggles to do anything but log in to his online therapy session or even get out of bed.
I knew this would happen, and I know it’s normal.
The reality of Bennett being gone will never get easier, and it’s a battle in itself to learn how to manage all the feelings that come with it, and I’m supporting Luke the best I can.
I just don’t know how much longer I can do this.
Don’t get me wrong. I will go to the ends of this fucking Earth to make sure Luke has what he needs during this difficult time. I will make sure he feels seen, valued, loved, and that he knows he is deserving of anything he needs to heal.
But I don’t know how much longer I can balance rotations, his Lenny’s shifts, and preparing his coffee shop for the soft opening in two weeks.
Luckily, he only has three bartending shifts a week, but the still-unnamed coffee shop is set to have its soft opening the first week of December, and we are in the 10-day countdown.
I assured Luke that I would handle everything until he was ready to take it all on again. It took some convincing, but I wasn’t going to take no for an answer.
I didn’t want him to feel rushed to jump back into work before he was ready or feel overwhelmed with everything to do when he finally did.
Emmett doesn’t know I’m taking Luke’s shifts because I didn’t add my name to the schedule, so he thinks Ava, Mickey, and Cyrus are. I’m hoping nobody thinks too much about it, and that I don’t fuck up payroll too badly—the extra money from the shifts would be nice, but the tips are good enough.
I know Emmett would offer to take them if he knew—but they are small eight-to-midnight weekday shifts that I could do in my sleep, and it’s not like I have a three-month baby to take care of when I get home like he does.
It just so happens that I’m not getting a ton of that sleep with how early I have to be at rotations the next morning.
I’m finishing up a shift at Lenny’s now—these weeknight shifts usually just need one bartender because they aren’t too busy—and I need to run next door to make sure a few decor pieces we ordered were delivered and put them inside.
I’m wiping down the bar, waiting for the last couple left to finish their drinks and leave so I can close for the night when my mind starts drifting from all the things I have to get done, all the things I have to do, to the memory that reminds me why I’m doing all of this in the first place.
***
“Who knew watching paint dry could be even more boring than they say,” I quip to the boys as I finish some charting from my rotation this afternoon that I brought home with me. I’m at the coffee shop, keeping Luke, Bennett, and Jack company while they paint the new drywall that went up earlier this week.
“Keep talking, and we’ll see how good this color looks when you’re covered in it,” Luke jokes as he runs the roller covered in the pastel blue color, Bennett and Jack chuckling as they work on the walls on either side of him.
“You know, all this watching is making me hungry,” I add, not being able to get the scent of the pizza place a few doors down out of my head, my stomach growling just thinking about it.
Luke turns to me and tosses the roller into the tray of paint; a few splotches dot his face, making his eyes look even more blue.
“One pepperoni pizza, coming up ,” he announces as he walks over to the table I’m sitting at, leaning down to press a kiss to my lips. “What do you guys want?” Luke asks over his shoulder, Bennett and Jack tossing their paint brushes down on the plastic covering the floor and walking over to us.
“I’ll come with you ,” Jack answers, before looking at Bennett.
“I’ll keep Annie company,” Bennett adds, sitting down at the table in front of me.
Bennett and I grew up side-by-side, but I wouldn’t say we grew up together. Him and Jack were always around when I’d be at the Owens’ house, but he was five, almost six, years older than us, so I wouldn’t see him at school past fifth grade, and I was too shy to ever hold a conversation with anyone besides Luke.
“Lucky me,” I say with a smile, closing my laptop and gathering up all my things to put in my backpack sitting at my feet.
Jack and Luke head over to the pizza place, and Bennett asks me about rotations. I tell him about how they work and what the day-to-day looks like. I ask him about being a firefighter and he fills me in on how it isn’t much like the TV shows or movies, but he still loves it.
“I’m glad you and Luke decided to go your own paths, rather than your dad’s. ”
“Me too,” he says, his smile slowly fading, his face so similar to Luke’s yet so different. “Can you promise me something? ”
I’m caught off-guard by the seriousness of his tone, not sure what he could possibly need from me, but I find myself nodding.
“Promise me you’ll take care of my brother?”
Emotion clogs my throat, and I don’t know why. This conversation feels heavy and loaded, and I can’t think of a reason for it.
Either way, I answer with my entire heart. “Of course.”
Bennett gives me a small smile, reaching out and placing his hand on my arm . “No matter what?” he questions, giving my arm a small squeeze.
I want to tell him that being loved by Luke is something I will never again take for granted, that taking care of Luke feels like the most natural thing for me to do, that I will spend the rest of my life making sure Luke always has someone in his corner, forever reminding him of the phenomenal human being he is.
And, even though I don’t say the words, I think Bennett hears them anyway when I promise, “ No matter what .”
** *
Looking back, maybe Bennett somehow knew his fate or what the future held for him. Or, maybe he didn’t, and he wanted to make sure Luke was loved as much as he deserved to be.
I don’t think I’ll ever know the true reason Bennett felt the need to talk to me that night, but it makes me hold my promise to him even closer to my heart.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I hear Drew’s voice echo through the near-empty bar. I was too trapped in my thoughts to hear the front door open or register the rush of cool air from outside. Drew has on pajama pants under her black winter coat, this year’s November being much colder than past years.
“How long have you been working shifts here?” Mia’s voice chimes in, her hands on her hips as she sports her own pajama pants under her pink puffer jacket. “You know either of us,” she says gesturing between herself and Drew as they walk up to the bar, the couple who was here finally finishing their drinks and heading out, “would have taken Luke’s shifts.”
The memory of Bennett rushes back to the back of my mind, not at all forgotten but back to being tucked away where I can keep it safe.
I haven’t seen either of my best friends, let alone Emmett and Eddie, since Bennett’s funeral, this month being way too busy to have our usual happy hours or movie nights.
We also couldn’t do this month’s Sunday Dinner because that was the weekend we got the call about Bennett.
“It’s no big deal,” I answer, but the last word comes out as a yawn, one so big I have to cover my mouth with my hand .
“Does Luke know you’re working his shifts?” Drew asks, her hands on her hips.
I shake my head and feel the tips of my ears heat, as if she caught me with my hands in my pants. “I don’t need his permission,” I defy.
“Duh, we know that,” Mia retorts, rolling her eyes, reminding me of me. “But we know he doesn’t expect you to. I mean, come on, Ann, I knew you were picking up the slack with No Name next door,” she says referring to the coffee shop, “but that is already a lot with your rotations. This,” she gestures around the bar with her arms, “is too much.”
“I said I can handle it.”
Drew lets out a groan in frustration, running a hand through her red wine hair, flipping it to one side. “We know that, Annie. We know you can handle it, but have you learned nothing ?”
I raise an eyebrow at her, looking back and forth between her and Mia.
Drew rolls her eyes, and I guess my antics have rubbed off on both my best friends. “When are you going to learn that you can ask for help?”
I shake my head. “That’s not what this is. I know I can ask you guys for help, but—” I stop mid-sentence, my mind going blank, not being able to come up with an excuse.
“I will tattoo ‘Annie, you are not a burden’ on my forehead if that’s what it takes for you not to run yourself into the ground to avoid asking us for help,” Mia says, leaning against the bar and staring right in my eyes, her blonde hair in a messy bun and her brown eyes on full display. “And what did I say about being strong for someone when you’re at your weakest? ”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I rush out, and my two best friends try to hide the smiles on their faces, knowing that’s what I say when I’m trying to avoid the question.
“Say it with us, Ann,” Drew starts, “‘I am not a burden.’”
“No, I’m not saying that.”
“Say it,” Mia reprimands, slapping her hands on the bar.
“No, this is stupid. I’m sorry I didn’t ask you guys for help, I’ll nev—”
“Say it!” they both exclaim, and this time it’s my turn to roll my eyes.
I exhale. “I am not a burden.”
“Again,” Drew says, with a little nod of her head.
“I am not a burden.”
“Louder,” Mia adds.
“I am not a burden!”
Mia and Drew look at each other and smile, quickly rounding the bar, coming up to me, and pulling me into a group hug. Feeling their arms around me was everything I didn’t know I needed, the comfort I didn’t know I was longing for, the reminder that I don’t have to do this all alone.
“Wait,” I say, pulling away from the two. “Why were you guys looking for me at midnight anyway?”
“Oh, I called a 911, and you didn’t respond in the group chat,” Mia says matter-of-factly, as if it is a perfectly reasonable answer to my question.
I don’t know exactly when “calling a 911” started for the three of us, maybe around the time Drew and Emmett got married, but it became our way of saying “I need you to drop everything and find me” and it can’t wait. It could be an emergency, big or small, or just a moment where we need each other, for both good and bad things.
I just hope Mia will be sharing good news tonight because I don’t know how much more bad news I can take.
“But we got caught up in finding you for the past half an hour, so after going to your place and finding Luke fast asleep alone , we knew there were only a few places you could be,” Drew adds.
“We thought you were going to be next-door, but when the door was locked, we were going to go back to Emmett’s office and grab the extra key, and instead we found you here instead of one of the three bartenders who actually work here,” Mia concludes.
I let out a dry chuckle before asking, “So what’s the 911?” Both Drew and I look at Mia, Drew not knowing her reasoning for calling the 911 either.
“Oh, I’m pregnant.”
A moment of silence passes before Drew and I look at each other and then back at Mia who’s wearing a small smile, as if she didn’t just drop a total bomb.
“WHAT?!” Drew and I exclaim, pulling Mia back into a hug.
“Mia, oh my god!” I exclaim, pulling back to hold her face between my hands. “I’m so happy for you!”
“Me too!” Drew adds, her eyes glistening. “How far along are you?”
“Twelve weeks, as of midnight tonight. Everyone always says to wait at least twelve weeks or whatever, but I couldn’t wait more than that. We found out at the end of September. I wasn’t sure if it would be the right time to tell you guys, and I know things have been crazy with everything going on— ”
“No, I’m so glad you told us,” I stop her before she can even think about apologizing for sharing such amazing news, a tear escaping down my cheek. I also can’t hide my grin at the fact she had to tell us at twelve weeks exactly .
I needed this.
Not just this amazing news or seeing my best friends after two weeks of running on empty, but I needed the reminder that I can ask for help, and that I don’t have to do it all alone.
And if I want to be there for Luke, I need to make sure I’m strong enough to be his strength right now.