Chapter 18
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
A shley
This feels good. Natural. Being around Liam and his family, having the kids here too. It’s early, as far as relationships go, but it feels as if we've already passed the final exam—he gets along with my family, and I get along with his. Mandy, Liam’s mom, even invited Annica to join us since Annica is currently planning two of her sons’ weddings, and they’re quickly getting acquainted.
Of course, I might have spoken a little early about our families getting along, seeing that Annica despises Luke, but most people do. There is a lot not to like about Liam's twin brother and his archaic and often offensive manner toward women.
It makes me wonder what went wrong; their dad, Collin, is a gentleman. Liam’s other brothers are, too. Yet I hear that Braxton needed some reforming before Maggie came along. Maggie’s adorable, by the way, and so are her sister, Kirsten, and her son, Jack, who I already know from the campout.
When dinner is through, the kids play croquet on the luscious stretch of green grass while the rest of us watch from the family’s massive deck—something Braxton and his crew added onto the home a few years back.
When Callie asks Liam to come show everyone his one-turn wonder, Liam is happy to oblige. He makes his way onto the grass, grabs a mallet, and takes his first whack! The ball goes through the first two hoops and takes him far enough to make it through the next hoop with just one of the two turns he gained in his hit. He proceeds to dart through the course, making it all the way to the second set of hoops. When the ball smacks the second post with an audible snap, we cheer. But no one cheers louder than Callie, and I can’t help but think he’s getting past the hump in their relationship.
It likely has something to do with the way Liam has learned to embrace Link, who treats Callie like a queen, by the way. He’s gentle, kind, and respectful. He works hard too, and he makes decent money as a plumbing apprentice while he attends the community college to get his degree. Best of all, Link actually wants a committed relationship with goals toward marriage, kids, and the whole nine yards, unlike—according to Callie—the preppy guys she dated in high school.
So, yeah, you can’t judge a book by its cover and all that. I like seeing examples of that in action.
Liam and I take alone time to say goodbye once the evening is through. I dare myself to just…bring up the past so we can get it over with and move on, but the words only bury themselves beneath a heap of excuses: the topic’s too involved, we don’t want to rush things, it might not even be necessary to discuss it at all, and of course, the real reason I’m avoiding it: it could bring our blooming relationship to a screeching halt.
We spend the next three weeks together doing more of the same. I'm not sure which I enjoy most—spending time with the group, where the kids are involved, and it feels like one big happy family, or the moments Liam and I spend alone, time that reinforces my recent decision to let the past lie right where it is. Why dig it up when things are going so well?
For tonight’s date, Liam makes me a delicious dinner, and so help me, that man can cook. It’s a Greek chicken recipe, complete with diced tomatoes, Kalamata olives, and cinnamon—the “ secret behind the sauce .” It's just the two of us tonight since Lucy and Martin are with Ross, and Cam is out with friends.
The food’s incredible, and the company is even better. There’s an ease between us that feels comfortable and exciting all at once. It’s the feeling you get when you finally discover where you belong. Like during those awkward days in junior high after your friend group splits or your best friend moves. You stumble onto a person or a group that speaks your language, gets your humor, and even appreciates it. Where you can grow and thrive and voice your opinions without the fear of not fitting in.
Since Liam took charge of dinner, I volunteer to provide dessert, which comes in the form of a Door Dash delivery. Liam orders a lemon tort, which makes no sense to me, while I order the raspberry cheesecake.
And just as Liam shares a bite of his dessert, insisting I’ll like it better than the cheesecake, I’m hit with something. An awareness that smacks into me like a face palm: Suddenly, I realize that I’ve fallen back in love with Liam Wheaton. Not still falling, not about to fall, but already fallen. It’s done. Boom. Check.
"See?” Liam says as the tart citrus settles over my tongue with a surprisingly sweet aftertaste. The texture of the custard is to die for, especially when paired with the fluffy, whipped layers of cream and dense, delicious cake.
“I told you it’d be good,” he says, reading on my face how much I like it.
I fight a grin, attempting to shelve my recent discovery as I see how badly Liam wants me to admit that his dessert was, in fact, the superior choice. But who would ever think that lemon anything would win over raspberry cheesecake?
"You know who else likes lemony desserts?" I ask.
Liam tilts his head, the furrow of his brow saying he's already leery. "Who?"
Still fighting back that smile, I tell him. "Nini. I always thought you two had a lot in common."
So far, Liam’s only experienced Nini’s unique personality once, when we came back from the campout and started unloading our things outside the condo.
She jammed her skinny head out her bedroom window with a scowl. “Oh, no,” she grumbled. “You’re back. And you brought more of them with you.”
“Nini,” I hollered up at her. “This is Liam, his son, Cam ? —”
“Doesn’t care,” the woman interrupted before I could name the others and slammed her window closed.
“ Wow,” Martin had said, a genuine smile on his lips.
Lucy finished his sentence with wide, joy-filled eyes. “She actually knows our lingo!”
So, yeah, Nini actually knows our lingo, and Liam actually knows what a grouch Nini is, which is why he pins his eyes on me as his nostrils flare.
"Oh no, you didn't." He sets his dessert on the coffee table and lunges across the couch, circling his arms around me in a playful tackle.
I roll back, squealing and giggling as he twists onto his back, pulling me on top of himself in a moment so romantic and lovely I want to squeal again. We’re gazing into each other’s eyes, laughing and breathless, when we tip over the edge of the couch and plunk solidly onto the floor.
Fifi rushes in to lick his head with a flourish.
Liam lets out a long, low groan. “Go on, Fifi,” he manages while coaxing her away from him. “Go outside, Fifi. Go on.”
To my amazement, after getting in a few more licks, the obedient dog trots over to the doggy door and lets herself out.
“I keep forgetting I'm not in my twenties,” Liam says.
I chuckle and sigh. "Me too, me too. You didn't break a hip there, did you, Gramps?"
"Oh no, you don't. We don't use the G word around here, don't you know that?" We laugh some more, the sound blending in such beautiful harmony I’m reminded of what I want to say. At least, I think I want to say it. Why not?
I’m about to shrug my way off of him, but I decide to take advantage of the position instead. I hold his gaze, knowing he should probably be the one to say this first, but it's already halfway off my lips.
"I'm in love with you." My heart pumps so fast it makes me dizzy. I look at him, waiting, hoping but not quite knowing if he feels the same.
Liam wraps his solid hand around the back of my head and pulls me in for a long, sensual kiss that douses out my fears in the most intoxicating way. He pulls back for just a breath, his masterful lips lingering on mine, and speaks in the heated space between us.
"I'm in love with you too, Ashley. So in love,” he adds between kisses. And then he kisses me again. His lips are strong, his pace measured, and his method puts me in a spell like it does each and every time.
But now that we’ve exchanged sentiments of love, I sense something new in the give-and-take motion of his heavenly kiss. The blessed push of his strong lips is more intimate, intense. And the slow, lingering pulls that follow are laced with vulnerability and need.
We’re in love, and we’re not so young anymore. With all our years behind us, we know how to make the most of each sensual touch and taste.
Savoring.
Lingering.
Loving. Loving each other with an expression so instinctual and pure it bonds us in an entirely new way.
When we’re tempted to do more, we slow things down and spoon for a while, talking about what a future together might look like. Fifi joins in on the cuddle by curling against my chest, her tail happily flopping as I scratch her neck.
“I almost said it yesterday,” Liam admits while nuzzling his nose against my neck.
I lift a brow. “Said what?”
He uses his chin to nudge the strap of my tank top to one side, the short scruff teasing my skin, then kisses my shoulder. “That I’m in love with you. It hit me yesterday when you were telling my family about what happened to your teeth at camp.”
I grin, enjoying the tidbit like a sappy schoolgirl. “The lemon dessert did it for me,” I tease.
Liam responds by tickling my sides enough that I squeal and twist onto my back.
“Right where I want you,” he says. We kiss some more, celebrating our love for each other, building on it. Enhancing it.
I’m in a state of utter peace. Bliss, even.
Here, I’ve been worried about the elephant in the room this whole time, and it turns out it was never there. Or perhaps it was there at first, but it faded away because it didn’t matter. Neither of us is hung up on the past; we’re just ready to embrace our future and, of course, enjoy the present along the way. As they say, the present is called the present because it’s a gift.
When I realize how late it is, Liam walks me out. The Camry’s parked in the driveway of his gorgeous beachside home. And though I can’t see it from this side of the house, I can hear the ocean from here. It’s restless tonight, a series of one shoreline crash after the next. For a moment, I feel its energy inside me—a random rush of adrenaline that sets me slightly off-kilter.
Liam slips his fingers through mine. It’s all I need to feel even once more. Only it doesn’t do the trick for long. In fact, I sense an odd sort of tension beneath his grip. Or maybe it’s simply coming from Liam altogether, humming just beneath the surface.
It gives life to the streak of fear skittering through me as we walk beneath the porchlight’s glow. I glance up at him, but don’t catch his gaze. His eyes are set on the pavement, and there’s a deep furrow in his handsome brow.
Oh no, things are too perfect, aren’t they? Something’s about to mess it up, I can sense it.
Liam rubs a thumb over my knuckles, but even that feels off. His palm goes clammy. Or maybe that’s mine.
My next breath comes out shaky.
I drop my gaze as well, watching as we take slow steps in turn, first down the porch steps, slightly down the driveway, and alongside my car at last.
I glance up at him a second time, but he still doesn’t meet my gaze. More than that, he looks decidedly away.
The fear in me multiplies like a growing, swelling beast, making my pulse spike and my breath hitch.
“So,” Liam says. “Do you want to go look at places in town tomorrow?”
I pinch my lips closed, wondering where he’s going with this. Is he planning to use it as his ticket out? You’re not even ready to move out here. You’re still working for your ex-husband. This probably isn’t going to work.
But he just told me he loved me. Probably, things are fine, and I’m just being paranoid—the whole things-are-too-good-to-be-true scenario.
I set my mind on the suggestion in case he genuinely wants to show me places. I know I need to, but I’m not ready yet. I can’t figure out why I’m so apprehensive to cross the items off my say-yes list. I don’t want to work for Ross anymore. I don’t want to live with my parents anymore. So what am I waiting for? What’s holding me back?
“Maybe next week,” I say.
Liam nods and takes a step forward. He places his hands on my hips, angling me as he takes another step, encouraging me to back up against the Camry.
This time, Liam not only meets my gaze, he holds it, his gorgeous eyes brimming with torment in the dim light.
We exchanged I-love-yous, I remind myself again, and it felt wonderful.
So why am I so terrified right now? Why do I feel like he’s about to ruin everything?
He searches my face for a blink, and suddenly, I see it—the elephant. It is there . Somehow, I know that’s exactly what he’s about to address, what he’s already addressing with his eyes in the quiet pause: the barrier between us. One that doesn’t have to be there if we just let it go.
Another wave of fear rips through me in a hot, pulsing flash, the tide still crashing against the not-so-distant shore.
Liam tucks my hair behind one ear and smooths his thumb along my cheek. I’m tempted to let my eyes close and tune in to the sensations, but I’m trapped. Locked by the challenge behind his gaze.
“Ashley,” he says, his voice quiet and sad. “When are we going to talk about it?”
The way he asks me, so heavy and unsure, gives validity to my fear surrounding the topic. He must think this could break us, too.
This time, I do let my eyes close because I can't keep looking at him. Not when a tremor of sorrow crashes through me so hard I gasp.
Why is he willing to broach a topic that could ruin us? Just like he was willing to bring up a different topic over twenty years ago—a topic that ruined us way back then.
Of course, perhaps back then that had been his objective. But it's not his objective now, is it?
No, it definitely isn't. He just wants to get this out of the way so we can move forward.
But I’m not sure I believe that because the tears are already welling.
"Ashley…" He pulls me in for a hug as he continues, his warm breath tickling my temple. "Tell me what you're thinking."
What I’m thinking? I’m thinking that I’m embarrassed and angry and discouraged.
I feel afraid, na?ve, and foolish for not bringing up the topic myself.
I feel exposed; I’m a woman who’d rather go in the wrong direction if going the right way could end something so good she doesn’t want to risk it.
"I want this to work out,” he says, voice still painfully soft and low. “That’s why we need to talk about it.” He straightens enough to meet my gaze, but now I’m the one looking away, eyes focused on a potted plant in the shadows as he continues.
“I was misunderstood. And as much as I want to just pretend it never happened, I can’t because it’s a painful part of my past. Of our past.”
He remains quiet until I look at him once more.
“It’s important to me that you understand that I…I only ever had your best interest in mind, even back then. I didn't want to lose you?—”
That final lead-in pulls the trigger. "But that's exactly what you did, Liam!”
An echo of my words bounces off the driveway before getting swallowed by the roar of the ocean.
I’m nowhere near done. “And for someone who doesn't want to do it again, you're sure willing to take the risk, aren’t you? Unless you secretly want things to end. Maybe you’re just too passive-aggressive to come out and do what you really want to do.”
It’s a low blow, but I take it anyway because I’m on a roll. “Maybe you want to come out looking like the victim. That’s the role you’re used to playing, right?”
Somewhere, there’s a voice in the back of my head begging me to stop. Screaming that the very thing I didn’t want to happen is happening right here and now before my eyes.
It’s a train wreck, and I’m the conductor, but I lost all control a few miles back. Now, I’m just a helpless passenger, observing the ruin of our relationship.
"Would you quit it, Ashley?” Liam’s voice is loud like mine. His plea echoes off the pavement, replaying the break in his voice, the desperation in his tone. A desperation I see in his eyes, too.
I look away and clench my jaw.
“Look at me, Ashley.”
I do, and the pain I see in his eyes fills me with dread and remorse. But fear is there, too. Fear that—as bad as this is—it could be a whole lot worse. It’s not safe to love someone as much as I love him. Not when he could up and leave me. Decide he was doing ‘what was best for me ’ because heaven knows I’m not capable of determining that for myself.
“I'm in love with you,” Liam growls. “I’m hoping the timing is right this time and that we get to spend the rest of our lives together. I want that bad enough to address all the crud that could get in our way. I don't just want you for right now, or tomorrow, or even a few months of having a good time. I want you for forever.”
I blink, then drop my gaze, sniffing and blinking back tears. Maybe he’s right. Maybe he really does want to make this work. I know I do, desperately, so why do I keep getting in my own way?
“That is,” Liam adds, sounding deflated now, “if you can handle having conversations that challenge whatever narrative you've fed yourself for all these years.”
I jolt my head up once more, shocked by those few final words. That did it. “You almost had me,” I say, shaking my head in disappointment.
Liam firms his jaw and sets his hands on the car at either side of me, caging me in. “Don’t, Ashley.”
I nudge his wrist with my shoulder. "Move, Liam. Get out of my way. I want to leave."
"Not yet,” he pleads. “Let's have it out. Let's push through it. If you think it's my fault, tell me it's my fault! If you think I did the wrong thing, let's talk about it. I've been trying to talk about this with you since it happened. We can't just ignore it forever."
I feel a mean grin tug at my lips on one side. "Yes, Liam,” I say, “we can because we’re not going to see eye to eye. And I’d rather end things now than discover that you’re just as bad as Ross is.”
The hurt in his eyes says I hit my mark.
“How can you say that?” He backs away like he’s been slapped, letting his arms drop so I can spin around and pull open my car door.
I do just that.
“You’re wrong, Ashley,” he hisses. “I’m nothing like him. But if that’s what you want to believe, then I guess I can’t stop you.”
I climb in behind the wheel, slam the door shut, and turn over the engine.
It isn’t what I want to believe, but it is what I fear most of all. And if a man like Liam Wheaton can’t be what I need him to be, then what chance do I have with anyone else?