Backward Motion (Crossroads #1)
Chapter One
Sam stood in the locked bathroom stall at work and stared at his hands as if willpower alone could still the tremor. He closed the toilet lid and sat down, placing his phone on his lap. It buzzed incessantly, the message bubbles popping up in quick succession.
Where are you?
We’ve got a lot riding on this.
Don’t fuck this up, Sam.
He tried to do the breathing exercises he’d read about online—smell the flowers, blow out the candles. But his chest felt as though someone was sitting on it, and he couldn’t get his hands to stop shaking.
His team was presenting to an upscale clothing company that was looking to transfer a considerable portion of its marketing budget to the agency.
His boss had given him the job to see if he was up to running an account of that size on his own.
Sam spent weeks tweaking the pitch and had stayed late the previous evening to make sure everything was perfect.
He arrived at the office that morning feeling nervous yet confident.
And then, minutes before he was due to present, he’d begun to spiral.
He knew what it was. The panic attacks had started several months back.
He’d been able to keep them under control for the most part, but they were getting more intense, and he was having trouble pulling himself back together.
He reached into his pocket for the small vial of pills, popped two, and swallowed them dry.
They would make him cloudy, but it was better than this shaky mess of a person.
On his lap, Sam’s phone rang. It was his boyfriend, Felix. He felt a flood of relief and fumbled to bring the phone to his ear. “Thank God. I don’t know what to do. I have this huge presentation, and I’m falling apart—”
“Sam, babe, chill for a second, okay? It’ll be fine. You’ll be fine.”
Something about Felix’s easy confidence calmed Sam, and he nodded, trying once again to slow his breathing.
“Quick question—can I borrow a couple bucks? Hayden’s late again.” Felix gave an exasperated sigh.
Hayden, who ran the gallery where Felix worked, seemed to think paying his employees was optional.
Felix liked to pretend it annoyed him, but Hayden also looked the other way when he showed up for work buzzed or called in sick to attend a music festival.
In that moment, trembling in a toilet cubicle, Sam envied the simple nature of the man’s problems. Besides, it wasn’t like Felix ever had any trouble getting Sam to spot him.
“Are you short on rent?” Sam asked.
“Neil’s in town from LA, and we’re planning to hit the regulars tonight.”
Sam’s blood froze. Neil was Felix’s ex. Felix had a thing about showing his exes a good time. He would stay out until the next day and feign innocence when questioned.
“I—no, you can’t.”
The silence stretched through the phone.
“Is this about Neil?” Felix asked finally, his voice icy. “You always get like this. You’re so controlling. I can catch up with old friends if I want to.”
There was a beep in Sam’s ear, and he looked at his phone to see a call waiting from his boss. “Yeah, but you’re not just catching up, are you?”
“You know what? Fuck you, Sam.”
Felix hung up, and Sam lowered the phone, his stomach churning as he looked at the time.
He saw it unraveling—business school, the years spent trudging through low-paying internships.
When he’d landed this job in Austin, everything he’d sacrificed had seemed worth it. How had it all gone so horribly wrong?
The fear rose thick and fast, lurching up his throat and stinging the back of his mouth. He lifted the toilet lid and hurled the contents of his stomach into the bowl.