Chapter 4
Chapter Four
Roxy
There was a sweet, heavy scent in the air as we approached Asmodeus’s quadrant. It surrounded us before we even reached his vast orchard.
“I’ve never been here before,” Gus said. “I like the smell.”
“It’s the pomegranates,” I said. “Asmodeus makes moonshine out of them and supplies it to most of Hell.”
“No, he barters the liquor to get what he wants. He doesn’t do it out of the goodness of his rotten and blackened heart,” Lothar said to Gus as his long legs ate up the road beside me. His gaze slid to me. “Is he expecting us?”
Not a fan of Asmodeus, then? Not many were.
“No, we decided a surprise visit would be best.” I attempted to sound like my normal self, but it wasn’t easy.
I’d barely stopped myself from saying something I shouldn’t the night before.
I had no idea why these feelings had resurfaced after so long, after centuries of successfully forcing it all down, but the volatile emotions were back with a vengeance, and I was so fucking angry with myself, but even more so with Lothar—no, I was furious with him for something he had no idea he’d done, and I was struggling to contain it.
Honestly, I wanted to punch him in the face. Worse. These feelings churning inside me were getting harder to control. My gaze dipped to his chest, and my stomach churned. I quickly looked away.
Ursula nudged me, her brow quirked.
I shook my head. No, I wasn’t going to smash my fist into his face, though I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold myself back, which was seriously freaking me out.
I wanted to scream at him, rail on him for what he’d done.
It had happened so long ago now, but it felt fresh again, and I fucking hated it.
“Will you answer my question now?” Gus asked Lothar.
Lothar’s shoulders stiffened. “What question?”
“About the drystan demon, when you mount one, which hole do you—”
“The one you are directed to,” Lothar said quickly. “They all have different preferences. Wait for them to tell you before you go sticking your dick where it’s not wanted.”
Gus nodded, looking pleased. “Makes sense.”
“Got some personal experience with that, have you, Loth?” Ursula asked, smirking.
I bit my lip so hard to stop myself from saying something that I tasted blood.
Lothar shrugged a massive shoulder. “Who hasn’t?”
A shriek of rage tried to crawl out of my throat and I choked it down.
“True,” Urs said and shrugged.
“Lothar?” Gus said.
“Yeah, Gus.”
“Can I ask you another question?”
Lothar dragged in a deep breath. “Sure.”
“Do all hounds have mates?”
“Don’t know, pup. I assume the fates have one selected for all of us.”
When his voice deepened like that, my belly went all swirly and my heart squeezed like it was two seconds from complete failure. Just stab yourself in the head and put yourself out of your misery. I felt Ursula’s gaze boring into me and I studiously ignored her.
“What does it feel like to find your mate?” Gus asked.
Lothar shook his head. “No idea, brother. From what I’ve heard, you just know. You want to be with them all the time, your protective instincts are heightened, and you’re closer to the beast than ever before.”
“And the urge to fuck is all consuming, yes?” Gus said.
“That’s what I hear.” Lothar shook his head. “You got a one-track mind, pup.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means, all you think about is fucking.”
Gus nodded. “Don’t you?”
Lothar cursed under his breath. “Next question.”
“Is Asher your mate?”
I stumbled, and Ursula grabbing my arm was the only reason I didn’t go face-first into the gravel.
Lothar’s head turned sharply to Gus. “No. Why are you asking me that?”
“Fender told Mad that you’re together all the time.”
“Asher’s a friend.”
My fingers curled around my blade before I knew I was doing it. A friend he stuck his dick in and spent all his time with.
“When you mount your mate, what does knotting her feel like?”
Lothar cursed again. “No fucking idea.”
My stomach started churning again. “Let’s change the subject,” I said before I could stop myself.
“It’s gotta feel good, right?” Gus said.
“Yeah, pup, it’s gotta feel good,” Lothar said, more growl in his voice now.
Yep, all it would take was one sharp, deep stab right at the base of my skull, jiggle it about a bit, and blessed release from all the insanity in my head. It wouldn’t kill me, but it would be nice and quiet in there while my scrambled brain healed itself.
“I want to find my mate,” Gus said.
Lothar glanced at the younger hound. “One day, I’m sure you will.”
Gus’s chest puffed up. “If I had a mate, I’d protect her.”
Lothar nodded. “You would.”
“And I’d mount her every opportunity I got.”
“Fucking hell,” Lothar muttered.
“Pup, we need to get you laid,” Ursula said, smirking. “How do you function being that horny all the time?”
Gus shook his head, expression serious. “It’s not easy.”
Urs burst out laughing, and even in my sour mood, I couldn’t hold my giggle back—then Lothar’s rumbling laugh reached me, and my gaze sliced to him. My stomach flipped again, then heat spiraled lower.
Gods damn it. I was in serious trouble.
And so was Lothar.
The trees were gnarled and ancient, their branches laden with vibrant reddish-purple fruit. These orchards were so vast that we were still a full day’s travel to Asmodeus’s keep when night fell.
Lothar decided we should stop and camp for the night, which was probably a good idea.
I needed my wits about me when I was with the attention-loving lord.
When I visited, he expected the bubbly, high-energy brat he liked me to be.
Hopefully, we hadn’t been spotted. I didn’t want him being tipped off about our visit.
Az sucked at thinking on his feet, and when I questioned him about Beelzebub, I didn’t want him to have time to come up with some lie to cover for his treasonous bestie.
The fire crackled as I spread out my bedroll.
“Gonna do a perimeter check,” Loth said and strode off.
Good, I needed a break from the infuriating hound.
His continual presence was making me seriously twitchy.
Kicking off my boots, I slid into bed, checked Gus was asleep, then turned to Ursula.
“Promise you won’t sleep while I do.” I’d woken the night before, standing a few feet from Lothar.
He’d been asleep, thank the gods, and I’d hightailed it back to my bed.
“I got you, Rox,” she said from her spot, leaning against the gnarled trunk of a pomegranate tree. She sliced open one of the fruits. “You start walking and talking in your sleep, I’ll toss a rock at your head.”
“Thanks, Urs,” I said and put my hands behind my head, looking into the darkness above us, so dense, limitless.
“You doing okay?” she asked.
“Not really,” I said, not bothering to lie. “I feel…angry, and I don’t know how to lock it away again.”
“You got any idea what’s changed? Why you’re feeling this way again all of a sudden?”
I shook my head. “Could just be spending so much time with him, I guess.” Though I knew that was a lie, and it had nothing to do with the date and the twisted anniversary I had to suffer through every year.
If I was honest with myself, I’d been slowly feeling a change over the last few months, maybe even longer.
“Do you wish things could be different?” she asked, almost gently, hesitantly. Ursula was never hesitant and she sure as hell wasn’t gentle. “That you’d done things differently?”
“No…I don’t know.” I rubbed my hands over my face. “It’s too late now. What’s done is done, right? There’s no going back, there’s no changing the past.”
“You could have,” she said. “Why didn’t you?”
Yeah, Lucifer had offered to make things right back then, or at least try.
Attempting to send me back in time, giving me a do-over, wouldn’t have been easy, not with an angel present.
Their powers interfered with Lucifer’s. I’d chosen not to try, but there were no guarantees it would have even worked if I’d said yes.
It was too late to go back and try to fix this mess now.
At the time, the pain had been too much, had cut too deep.
I hadn’t been thinking clearly. I hadn’t been thinking at all, and I’d agreed to the unthinkable.
The result had nearly been the end of me.
I’d refused Lucifer’s help at first, but in the end, I let him use his powers to dull the sharpest edge, but not take my pain away completely, never that.
If I hadn’t relented, I wasn’t sure I’d still be here.
The whole thing was just too awful to think about. If Lothar ever learned the truth, not only would there be devastating consequences, but he wouldn’t want anything to do with me, anyway.
That was the real reason his instincts told him to avoid me.
That’s why he always turned me down when I asked him to hang out at the clubhouse, why he ended our hugs as fast as he could.
Even though he had no memory of what went down, somewhere deep in his subconscious, he was still trying to get the fuck away from me.
My hand slid down to the center of my chest, attempting to ease the ache there, and I squeezed my eyes closed.
“You get any sleep last night?” Urs asked, again far too gently.
I shook my head. Exhaustion was like a heavy cloak I’d been carrying all day. After I’d sleepwalked, I’d forced myself to stay awake.
“Use this. Two drops,” Urs said, tossing me one of her vials.
I took it, doing as she said. Urs wasn’t a witch, of course, but she had a well-stocked bag of tricks, along with the tools of her trade. Within minutes of taking her sleep tincture, blessed darkness was creeping in from the edges of my mind.
I eagerly let it take me away.