Chapter 2 - Sadie
Even though the day dawns bright and clear, I wake with a horrible sense of doom lingering over me. As I roll over in bed, I count all the things I usually have to do, checking and double-checking that every single one has been ticked off.
My boss at the diner told me for sure he had my shift covered. My cleaning job assigned me this day off weeks ago. I’ve done Mrs. Sheppard’s ironing and Karen’s research. Did I have a job I was supposed to do for anyone else?
I search my mind, feeling my heart speed up as I go over every detail. Even though I’m sure I don’t have anything to do, sweat breaks out up and down my sides, and my heart won’t slow down.
Today’s going to be a horrible day—I can feel it… No, I won’t let it!
“Mommy?” a tiny, sleepy voice breaks through my thoughts, and a rush of love floods through me, almost, but not quite, overriding my anxiety.
“Cassie,” I murmur, reaching out and burrowing through the blankets to find my tiny daughter. I wrap my arms around her and pull her to my chest, wrapping the blankets around both of us as if to shield us from the cruel, harsh world that so often keeps us apart.
I haven’t had a day off in months. I’m not going to waste it worrying about nothing—I’m going to enjoy every single moment with my baby girl!
Cassie slips back into sleep, and I let the soft rhythm of her breath soothe me. The light in the room is only pale gold, so it’s not long after sunrise.
I’m not getting up until I absolutely have to. I can’t remember the last time I slept in.
Stroking Cassie’s hair gently, I drift back into a light doze, somewhere between sleep and waking. As hard as I try to relax, the faint tingle of anxiety still reaches me, like a tiny but persistent alarm bell going off nearby.
It’s just because I’m used to being in a state of perpetual exhaustion, and I’ve forgotten what it feels like to sleep in. Nothing more than that.
Even though the reason is valid, part of me doesn’t believe it. I snuggle in even tighter with my daughter, trying to roughly calculate how long my body has been in complete survival mode.
At least three years—as long as Cassie’s been alive. I wouldn’t trade a single minute of it, though.
I lean down and kiss my daughter’s forehead gently, smiling as she murmurs in her sleep and curls her little fingers around my arm.
I never knew I had so much love in me…
The warm room, soft blankets, and Cassie’s gentle touch on my arm seem to create a spell of comfort, and I relax next to her, feeling sleep hovering over me again. It’s almost as if my little girl can feel my distress, and she’s reaching out to me to help me rest.
It wouldn’t surprise me. She’s been pure magic since the moment she was born… but I know every mother feels that way.
My mind drifts back to the day I found out I was pregnant, and how my entire world shattered around me in that moment.
I’d always been responsible and taken precautions, not just with my sex life, but in all things.
I wasn’t going to let a stupid mistake ruin my career as a successful businesswoman.
My first goal was to work at a major company doing economic analysis, then work up to being a business consultant for major conglomerates around the world.
Even though my arms are still wrapped around Cassie, and the sweet weight of her in my arms comforts me, I can’t help but feel the sharp stab of disappointment in my heart.
By now, I’d be almost done with my degree. I’d be putting in expressions of interest and applications, getting ready for internships…
My mind slips back to the “how” of it all, and my body tenses up so badly that Cassie makes a little cry in her sleep.
“Shh, baby girl, it’s okay,” I whisper. “Sorry, baby.”
I rock her a little, smoothing the bright blond hair back from her forehead. I know that I can’t control my emotions any longer, so I make sure Cassie is fully asleep again before I slip out of bed, put on a robe, and head out to the kitchen.
The lingering sense of doom fades, but it’s replaced by an intense frustration that borders on complete rage.
After all this time, I can’t think about him without getting unreasonably angry! And it’s pretty stupid, considering it was my fault, too…
A low sigh gets caught in my throat, almost a growl as I set up the coffee pot, trying not to take out my frustration on the kitchen utensils.
Rhys.
The spoon jumps off the bench, clanging to the floor. I bend over quickly, and the thing seems to jump back into my hand on its second bounce. I’d consider it to be strange, except that weird things like that always happen around me.
Fast reflexes, someone told me once. I just reacted quickly enough and anticipated where it was going to be. It’s not magic.
As I stand up and go back to making coffee, I have to hold in a chuckle.
If I had magic, then I would have had my damn head properly screwed on the night I met Rhys.
I let my thoughts drift as I finish making the coffee, then sit down at the kitchen table to drink it. Since my head is already stuck in the past, I don’t fight the memories and just let them come.
Friday afternoon after finals. Kate and Melanie and I want to do something wild… so we drive out of Folsom towards El Dorado…
I shake my head as I take a sip of the strong coffee.
We wanted to meet some country boys…
The bar we found was a bit hokey, but a better choice than some of the rougher-looking ones.
It was clearly more for tourists than locals, and we didn’t mind that at all, because it’s technically what we were.
Even though the place was fairly boring, it wasn’t after an hour or so of slamming cocktails and hitting the dance floor.
The three of us got hit on a few times, but it didn’t tempt us away from our girls' night… not until he walked in.
My fingers tighten on the cup. Instead of shying away from the memory, I let myself fall straight into it.
It was like I felt it the second he entered the room. When I turned around, his liquid gold eyes were fixed on me, shimmering in the shadows like a predator stalking through the grass at dusk, sighting his prey. I remember thinking that if he thought I’d be that easy to catch, I’d make him choke.
The mysterious, tall man with the mane of black hair and incredible gold eyes didn’t approach us with his friends. We shared a long look, then they went to the bar, and the girls and I kept dancing.
But I felt those eyes on me… like I was marked. Like I really was his prey.
As the night went on, the sense of gravity only increased. If I’d been in my right mind, it might have frightened me, but the only thing I could feel after simmering in a few hours’ worth of strong cocktails was curiosity.
And I went up to him. It was me who did it. I can’t blame him at all.
I remember telling the girls I was going to go for it, and they pulled back, giggling. I walked over to where he was sitting at the bar and leaned across it, forcing him to look up at me.
“Are you going to buy me a drink, or just stare at me from across the room all night?”
The way his lips curved in a devilish smirk… the way his gold eyes darkened, slowly trailing down my body…
“I don’t know,” he replied. “The view is pretty damn good.”
“You can still keep looking while we drink,” I purred, taking the seat next to him.
He bought me a cocktail, but I can’t remember what it was. I asked about his job, and when he said he was a mechanic, I thought it was cute. He told me about his Viper in great detail, that it wasn’t running right yet, but when it was, it would be the meanest beast on the road.
When he asked what I did, and I said “I’m reverse-engineering money” or something like that…
Trying too hard to be witty, then explaining for twenty minutes that I wanted a full economics degree so I could work as a consultant across multiple industries.
Then, finding out that the boy likes to read. I couldn’t have been more shocked that a country boy mechanic who didn’t go to college enjoyed classic poets.
After that, my memories of the night blur. We quoted poetry to each other and had a few more drinks. My girls left, so did his friends, and we stayed at the bar, our banter flowing from poetry to film, pop culture, and finally philosophy.
As the bar emptied out, I could tell that he didn’t want to leave, but I also didn’t want to make a move. The chemistry was so intense, and our connection so deep, it honestly surprised me that he never once made a direct pass.
A perfect gentleman. Imagine that. Like tripping over a unicorn.
I remember covering his hand with mine, and the intense thrill that spread through me as I touched his skin. Heat like nothing I’d ever known raced in my blood, completely clearing my mind and leaving me only aware of throbbing, overpowering lust.
I was surprised to see him fighting it, and I made some stupid joke about “literally getting a room”…
All at once, it was like he gave in. Rhys grabbed my hand and almost dragged me out the door. We found a small motel nearby without any trouble.
I tried to tell him I’m really not this kind of girl. He said, “I’m not this kind of guy, either.”
I wrap my hands firmly around the coffee cup, letting the heat burn me to bring me back to the present moment. Even if parts of that night are blurry, every single second with Rhys after we shut that door behind us is still crystal clear.
And I don’t want to think about it!
“Mommy?” Cassie shuffles through the door, and I put my cup down to hurry over and pick her up, stroking her hair back from her face.
“Hey, munchkin. Are you awake or still dozy?”
“Awake,” she says, grinning. “And hungry.”
“I’ll make some pancakes. Would you like a hot chocolate?”
She nods happily, and I cuddle her close to my chest, feeling an unbelievable wave of love pouring through me, so powerful it almost makes me waver on my feet.
When I woke up the next morning and found Rhys gone, I was surprised, but not shocked. Finding out I was pregnant did shatter me… but I just knew that I had to keep the baby. There was no other choice.
“Mommy?”
“Yes, baby?” I ask, pulling back to look into her big brown eyes.
Not as dark as mine. Not as pale as Rhys’s. More beautiful than both.
“Are you going to work today?” she asks carefully. At three years old, she has a limited vocabulary, but often manages to speak as if she’s older.
“No, sweetheart,” I answer, hugging her even tighter. “I have the whole day off, and I’m spending every second with you!”
Her face breaks into a massive smile, her gold-brown eyes lighting up as she lets out a short yelp of joy. Both of us giggle like fools, and it turns into a little play wrestle that ends with us on the floor.
“Okay, you,” I say, ruffling her hair as I sit up. “I’ve told you, it’s not fair to jump me like that. I’m an old woman, and you’re a tough kid.”
“You’re not old, Mommy!” Cassie laughs, reaching out to pat my cheeks.
“Hmm, thank you,” I reply. “Tell it to my knees.”
“Hey, knees.” Cassie scuttles back and slaps my leg. “You’re not old!”
The cuteness of the situation overwhelms me, and I cover my face with my hands, giggling so hard, my ribs hurt. Cassie giggles, too, crawling back up into my lap to wrap her arms around me again. I snuggle her for another couple of minutes before finally untangling us and getting up.
“I'd better start breakfast,” I say. “Did you want to watch cartoons while I get your hot chocolate?”
Cassie nods, grinning as she trots off towards the living room. I get started heating the milk, feeling unbelievably grateful to have this time with my daughter.
I work so hard so she can have everything she’ll ever need. I don’t want her to miss out on a single thing… but that means I miss out on being with her.
I’m on my way to the living room, looking forward to watching cartoons in my pajamas for a few hours, when I hear the doorbell ring. The bad feeling I had when I first woke up slams into me, like an icy cold tidal wave that leaves me breathless and shaking.
“Here you go, baby,” I say, putting the cup on the table for Cassie.
“You said you weren’t going to work?” Cassie asks, her eyes big and serious.
I give her a big smile and ruffle her pale gold hair. “I’m not, I promise. I might have forgotten to tell the babysitter that’s all. You just sit down, and I’ll be right back.”
As I leave the room, the anxiety rises until it feels like my veins are strung tight and my skin is aching with tension.
What is it? What the fuck could possibly be so bad that my body has to react like this?
There is a hard knock at the door now, as if the doorbell wasn’t enough. I reach out and touch the knob and almost jump away again—my instincts are screaming at me as if there is an inferno on the other side.
Once I open this door, there is no going back.
I don’t even know what that means, but I can’t take another moment of panic without even knowing what I’m afraid of, so I just grab the handle and fling the door open as fast as I can.
The light flashes across my eyes, momentarily blinding me. When my vision clears, I think I must have fallen into a particularly vivid memory.
Or it’s an actual hallucination. I’m finally cracking up.
We stare at each other, the small space between us seeming to shrink even though neither of us moves.
His night-dark hair still falls across his forehead just like it used to, and even though his eyes are a little darker, they still look like liquid gold, shimmering like a predator’s when they catch the light.
“Sadie?” he exclaims.
My voice barely makes it out as a strangled whisper before my throat closes with shock.
“Rhys.”