Chapter 33
SHELBY
Easter morning, I dragged myself out of bed. Carter had left Ferris the day before, and he’d taken my blue sky with him. My whole world had taken on the muted gray tones of an old newsreel, all the color drained out of it.
I went through the motions of my morning chores.
As always, first I fed the girls. Their excitement perked me up a little, but I felt a little too much kinship with them this morning.
I, too, would pop out unfertilized eggs until my body stopped making them.
Yes, chickens went through menopause, and yes, we called it “henopause.”
Oh, well, at least with all my birds, I won’t die alone. I’ll die unloved and sexually unfulfilled, but not alone. It wasn’t much consolation but it was helping me get through the day.
This was day two without Carter, and the wound was still fresh. I could still smell him on my sheets. I could still hear him tell me he loved me as he thrust inside me.
That memory would be running through my mind forever, especially when I touched myself in my lonely bedroom, still finding warmth in that perfect spring day when the universe had aligned to bring Carter and me together.
Our worlds should have never collided, and we should have never resonated on harmonious frequencies the way we did.
Despite coming from different worlds, we ended up having way more in common than I had expected.
Two people struggling with complicated family legacies, trying to overcome the past. A daughter and a son trying to fix their parents’ mistakes.
Once the important chores were finished, I went inside to get cleaned up.
Later, I would finish up a few other odds and ends, but I had promised Lila I would go to the morning Easter service with her.
I wasn’t particularly religious, but it was a tradition for me.
I had been going to church on Easter since I was a child, even when the town hated me.
And last night, Lila had texted me she would drive out here and drag me into town if I skipped this year. I believed her.
All I wanted was to be alone and have a proper sulk, but Lila was a firm believer in pushing through things. As I showered, I had to admit a distraction would be nice. The farm held too many memories of Carter. Not just in the barn, either, which I had begun to think of as the Love Shack.
Carter had spent days working out here with me. He’d been all over, inside the house and out. His presence was sorely missed.
I put on some nice clothes, a lavender skirt and blouse that were formal but still fit the Easter vibe.
I wasn’t in the mood for celebrating, but I had put the outfit together before I knew I would be sad.
If I’d known, I would have prepped something in all black.
Maybe something with a full funeral veil.
I met up with Lila and Jake outside the church. People were filing in and chatting on the wide steps, catching up on gossip about who had the most sins to atone for.
“There she is,” Lila said. “You’re alive.”
“Am I?”
“Yes,” she said with a laugh. “You are the toughest chick I know. If anyone can get through this, it’s you.”
“The toughest chick I know was a hen who fought off a fox,” I said. “But I appreciate the support.”
“How are you holding up, Shelby?” Jake asked.
“Oh, you know.” I shrugged. “Living in misery.”
He laughed. “At least you’ve still got your sense of humor.”
“Well, yeah, my life is a joke,” I said sourly.
Lila laughed and pulled me in for a hug, which I gratefully accepted. “We’re gonna get through this. Now let’s go inside. These heels are already killing me.”
We grabbed a pew and sat. Big flower arrangements decorated the space, using all white flowers, mostly lilies.
Those were my favorite. The flowers lifted my spirits a little.
Nothing would heal the soul-deep agony of losing Carter, but looking at something beautiful made it easier to forget how ugly the world could be.
The service started, and it was nice. Fitting for the holiday, the theme was rebirth. We fall, we rise. Never give up hope.
I agreed with the sentiment, but no amount of hope would bring Carter back to me.
Maybe it was time to hope for something else.
Turn my focus back to the farm, where it had been before Carter had broken down on the side of the road in the rain, triggering my mother-hen instinct to take in a wayward straggler.
I let out a long breath that was louder than I had intended. I hadn’t been trying to sigh dramatically like a teenager. It just happened naturally.
Lila patted my knee without looking at me, and I really did appreciate that I wasn’t totally alone in the world. Carter was gone, Shane was mad at me, and my parents were still on my shit list. But Lila and Jake were like a brother and sister, and they genuinely wanted to make me feel better.
They couldn’t, but it was nice they wanted to.
The service wrapped up and we filed out with everyone else. I wasn’t feeling up to any more socializing. Plus, I had more to do at the farm. And this skirt was pinching me unpleasantly. “Guys, I think I’m just going to head home now.”
Lila grabbed my arm. “What about the big hunt?”
I looked around quickly to see if anyone had heard her. “The what? You can’t say that in church, Lila. Come on.”
“Hunt. The Easter Egg Hunt.” She laughed. “Watching a bunch of kiddos run around finding eggs will bring a smile to your face. I promise.”
“I suppose they are pretty cute. And it’s been a few years since I felt comfortable coming out to events like these.” I nodded, even though I was still all twisted up inside. “Screw it.”
I clapped my hand over my mouth and made a quick sign of the cross. Then we were out the doors of the church and I could curse again without making God cry. I was pretty sure those were the rules.
We stopped off at Lila and Jake’s so Lila and I could change into jeans and sneakers.
She let me borrow some of her stuff. We were close enough in size that it worked.
Getting out of my church clothes did wonders for my mood.
My heart was still in tatters but at least my feet were no longer screaming and I didn’t have to suck in my stomach so much.
That was good because I had a date with some taco fries, and I wasn’t stopping until the button on my pants burst. If I had to be out in public while in mourning, I was going to self-medicate with carbs and salt and greasy meats.
The town square was hopping for the big Easter Egg hunt. Today was the last day of the celebration, and it was always packed with folks having a good time. Luckily, the town square was huge and the party spilled out into the surrounding streets, which were all shut down today.
I made a beeline for the taco fries. Jake and Lila joined me with a laugh.
“I’m glad you have an appetite,” Lila said. “This is some of the best food we’ll get all year. Ferris doesn’t mess around when it comes to eating.”
“I brought antacids just in case,” Jake said, patting his pocket.
Lila pumped her fist in victory. “Then I’m getting jalapenos on my fries.”
We got to the front of the line and got three orders.
The taco fries were just fries in a paper tray with taco meat scooped on top.
Not exactly culinary genius, but once you started adding cheese, lettuce, salsa, guac, and sour cream, even Gordon Ramsay would have no criticisms. And sure, that made them more like nacho fries, but I wasn’t going to argue with the lady serving them.
We walked around while we munched on our food, eating with forks because we would have needed a whole roll of paper towels to wipe our hands.
I looked around at all the people enjoying themselves in the bright sunshine.
Smiling friends and families. Kids with their faces painted, holding balloons or cotton candy bigger than their heads.
I had been avoiding celebrations like this since I became the town whipping boy, but I was glad I came out this year. Meeting Carter—and losing him—had flipped my life upside down, but in some ways, I might have needed it.
I lived in this town, too, and I shouldn’t have to hide away on my farm just because some of these people were ignorant and mean. There would always be people like that, trying to tear others down because their own lives were miserable, and everyone knew misery loved company.
I wouldn’t hide from them anymore. If we let the bullies win, what kind of world would this be? Not one I wanted to live in.
Carter had given me the strength to come out of hiding.
And that was in addition to his idea about me sponsoring the bake-off, which had earned me some goodwill.
He had shown me it was time to be a part of the community again.
I was going to keep building a future here, and anyone who didn’t like it could get the hell out of my way.
I chuckled to myself. These taco fries had really lit a fire in me.
After a while, all the kids lined up for the official egg hunt, and we went over to watch.
A whole section of the square had been designated as the search zone, where there were no safety hazards for the little ones.
Volunteers had spent the last hour or so hiding eggs among the plants, decorations, and picnic tables.
A whole bright line of eggs was clearly visible on the pedestal where the statue of the town’s founder stood.
Those were for the less alert children, I assumed.
That way, everyone could find at least one egg.
All the little kids looked adorable dressed up in their Easter clothes.
An image flickered in my mind of my child standing at that line.
And it wasn’t just my child, but Carter’s too.
I could see our little boy with khakis and suspenders, his eyes the same emerald green as his father’s, searching for his first target.
I could also see our little girl, with my blonde hair and sassy attitude, wearing a pink dress she hated.
She wouldn’t be going for the eggs on the pedestal.
She would get down in the dirt to find the ones under the tables, just like I used to.
I got choked up out of nowhere.
“I’ll be right back,” I whispered to Lila and slipped away through the crowd before she could see my face.
Tears flowed freely. I dipped my head and wiped at them, not wanting to draw attention to myself.
The crowd parted for me, for which I was grateful.
The press of people thinned out and I could walk normally again.
I dug into my bag for a tissue and dabbed at my eyes.
The tears kept coming, weeping for a beautiful future that would never be.
I needed to get out of here before I fell apart in front of everyone. People would talk. I would go from the town asshole to the town loon.
A gentle hand touched my arm. “I think you need a sip of my coffee,” Mrs. Presley said to me quietly.
I shook my head. “Thank you, but I don’t think—”
“Take a sip,” she said more forcefully, which was unusual for her.
In shock, I accepted her tall travel mug and took a sip. My eyes widened in shock. “Is there booze in this?”
She winked at me. “Happy Easter, Shelby.”