Chapter 14 Sandra
SANDRA
Natalie corners me in the kitchen. "Are you in trouble?" she asks simply.
Is this a setup? It’s feeling that way. Badass and Animal have taken Clark out somewhere, and Quickshot seems to be conveniently out of the way. It figures that her guys would kill for her, but they know better than to get between us when Natalie is in a mood. They're tough, but they're not crazy.
"No, why would you think that? I'm fine."
"Are you? You didn't think I'd hear about you going out? Gossip travels faster than the speed of light in the club. Everyone wanted to hear about how my sister clobbered someone over the head with a bat in a brawl, and you came home wearing someone else’s shirt the other night."
I roll my eyes. "It was a glass and I was fine, Nat. Zero, Beast and Piston were with me the whole time. It was hardly even a brawl, just a glorified scuffle."
Her eye twitches.
“A spirited misunderstanding?” It’s hard to keep a straight face but I manage.
She breaks first, but her laugh sounds forced. “What happened to staying clean and working on your degree? I know you needed a break and I’ve been trying so hard not to push you about your plans, but I’m worried, Sandra. I’m starting to think that you coming back here wasn’t a good idea.”
There’s so much to unpack there. “You want me to leave?”
“No! I want you to stay safe. I want you to live the life you were meant to live and not get dragged back into your old, self-destructive habits.” She sounds uncomfortable bringing this up, but it doesn’t stop her from trying to mother me.
"My old habits? Do you seriously think I didn’t have the chance to drink or do drugs when I was living on my own surrounded by college students? How is it so different here? You have to back off and let me live my life.”
"It’s different and you know it!" Natalie throws up her hands and turns to pull her apron off the hook by the fridge. “Do you think I’ve forgotten because you see me living here tucked away safe and sound with Clark? I might not do it as much anymore, but I still work shifts at the Eagles’ Roost and party with the club.
Don’t act like college parties and club parties are the same thing. ”
“That’s what I don’t understand. Why do you think you can handle it but I can’t?
You’re not my mother. And it’s never worked out well for us when you pretend to be, so stop.
Piston, Zero and Beast have been great.” I can see the hurt on Nat’s face, but I can’t stop lashing out any more than she can stop treating me like I’m made of glass.
"Oh, I’m sure they are,” she says sarcastically.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Natalie takes out her cookie trays, slamming things around noisily which isn’t like her.
“Damn it! I'm supposed to make some cookies for the triplets' birthday party." She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “I’m sure they’re good guys, but you have a history of poor decision making and not knowing when to stop.”
“I can’t believe you. You’re really standing there in an apron lecturing me on personal boundaries while you get ready to bake cookies for a woman who ended up hooked up with three men including her step-brother after they rescued her from her crazy cult father?
But I go out for one non-alcoholic beer and I’m the problem. ”
"I will always be your big sister. The day I stop being protective is the day I die."
“I’m not asking you to stop caring, I’m asking you to stop using my life to fix your guilt complex.
” We have so much history that most siblings never need to go through, and I know her concerns come from a good place, but sometimes I just can’t deal with the weight they put on me.
“I think maybe neither of us are in a good place for this conversation right now.”
There, that’s mature, right?
For a moment her expression softens, but only for a moment. "Then when will we have it? I love you, Sandra, but I know you. School is just hard for now. Maybe you can transfer to somewhere closer, but you’ll regret it if you quit, and it’s such a waste of the opportunity they gave you.”
The opportunity. Another privileged weight around my neck.
When the Screaming Eagles took down the MC that went after me and Natalie, the club made a lot of money off everything they confiscated.
Quickshot, Badass and Animal donated their cut of the profits to help us get back on our feet afterwards, along with a generous bonus from the Eagles that helped Nat start her bakery and create my college fund.
And I’m so grateful for it. I haven’t spent a dollar from that account that wasn’t used for tuition, books or supplies. But isn’t it more of a waste to spend what’s left on a degree I don’t want? “I haven’t dropped out. I’m just on a leave of absence.”
“Good, see? That’s exactly why you shouldn’t get messed up in a relationship right now. And I know you know it or you would’ve gone to the Roost instead of sneaking off somewhere you thought I wouldn’t find out.”
"What? The reason we were at that bar is because I knew you'd overreact and I wanted one fun night out. Have you ever considered that if you hadn’t pushed so hard when I was younger, that I might have stuck around? That I wouldn’t’ve been desperate to get away?”
She looks like I slapped her.
“See? This is why I said we should talk about it later.”
"I just don't want to lose you again. You were doing so well, and now it’s just like last time." She gestures to me.
We’ve had this conversation enough that I know what she’s not saying. You look like you did back then. A verbal slap from me, an emotional punch from her. It might be less painful to put on boxing gloves and get in the ring together like Beast and Piston.
“A few purple highlights aren’t going to send me into a spiral, Nat.
I need to be myself and figure out what I want.
If that means going out and having fun with guys once in a while, then at least it’s guys you can keep an eye on, right?
Like you said, if things go wrong you’ll probably hear the gossip before I’m even home. ”
“That doesn’t mean I’m happy about it.”
“You don’t have to be! You just have to trust me for once. Is it really that hard?”
She doesn’t answer, which is answer enough.
“Perfect. I’m going out, unless you want to try and ground me for old time’s sake?” I spin on my heel and head towards my room to change. “It might take me a while to find something decent in my price range, but I’ll start looking for apartments tomorrow.”
“Sandra, wait.”
I stop, but don’t turn around.
"You don’t have to go," Natalie’s voice is barely above a whisper.
She loves me, and I know she wants what's best for me, but this isn’t healthy. Am I going to feel guilty forever? Probably, but I can't let it rule my life. “I know, but maybe it’s for the best.”
I pull my phone out of my pocket, and after a moment's consideration, I message the group chat.
Me: You guys busy?
The reply is almost immediate.
Piston: What do you need, beautiful?
Me: Pick me up?
Beast: Any plan in mind?
Me: I just need to get out. Distract me for a bit?
Zero: Be there in ten.
I meet them outside, and they take me back to the club. It’s a short ride, barely enough time to really enjoy the feeling of sitting behind Beast with my arms around his broad chest, the one I’ve seen bare multiple times now.
Their clubhouse is the central point of a whole walled-in complex.
It’s visible over the top of the walls from a long ways away.
On the front, at least a story tall, is the Screaming Eagles logo, lit up by floodlights so even at night it’s impossible not to know whose territory you’re in.
Guards wave us through the gates when they see who’s coming.
I’ve been to their bar, the Eagles’ Roost, a few times, both before going away to school and once since I’ve been back, but it’s been a long time since I’ve been inside the walls.
There’s a courtyard right inside the gate, with the clubhouse straight ahead, and a hangar sized garage to the right with doors wide open to let air through on hot summer days.
Music spills out from inside where I can see bikers hanging out and working on their motorcycles.
There’s a single black van up on lifts that someone is working on from below.
Along the side of the clubhouse, a row of houses that would fit into any old, city neighborhood starts and carries on into the back.
No pre-fab mansions in sight. A couple of them have swings and toys scattered on the front lawns, along with discarded kids' bikes. Natalie lives above her bakery, but from what I remember, several of the old ladies live here with their families. I’m not sure who, though.
Faith I know pretty well since she lives next door and runs the bookshop next to Nat’s bakery, but most of the others I’ve only met in passing.
I could spot Emily, Alessa and Summer, but not enough to know where they live.
Their day-to-day lives were never something I thought too much about, but if I stick around, could that be me someday?
Thanks to my sister, the idea of settling down with more than one man isn’t as strange to me as it would be to most people.
I’ve seen it work and know how happy Nat is, but relationships in general are something I don’t do a lot of.
It’s hard to let people get close, so a date or two is usually my limit.
But this thing with Zero and the others isn’t dating, is it? It’s just… us, and somewhere between them showing up at my job with a dog and moonlight swims in the ocean, these guys have started making me wonder if it’s time to see what all the fuss is about.
If people are already talking, I might as well give them some real gossip.