Chapter 23 Sandra
SANDRA
Natalie’s in the living room when I come home, sitting on their L-shaped couch with a plate of cookies on the coffee table. It’s a little bit of comfort, if not quite a peace offering, but at least it sets us up to talk instead of yelling at each other. Last time didn't go all that great.
The moment I walk in, she gets up, and without a word pulls me into a tight embrace. "God, Sandra, I'm so glad you're okay."
I wrap my arms around her and hold her tight. No matter how mad we were at each other, I know she must’ve been terrified. "I’m fine. It was scary but the whole thing probably only took a half an hour."
“It only takes a second to lose someone.” Her voice is rough like she’s been crying.
“I know, and I’m sorry for worrying you.” I close my eyes and lean into the hug. “I would’ve come home last night, but…”
“I know. Badass and Animal told me what happened. If I were you, I would’ve stayed with Zero and the others, too.
” Gripping my shoulders, she puts me at arm's length and sighs. “There are some details I don’t need to know about my little sister’s love life, but I know how it works, trust me.
I haven’t forgotten what it was like in that first crazy time, or lying to you about what was going on and who they were. ”
I grin. “What did you tell me Quickshot’s name was? Eric?”
She rolls her eyes. “That feels like a hundred years ago. Come on, try the cookies." She gestures at the couch as she returns to where she was sitting.
"You didn't poison these or anything, right? Something to make me sleepy so you can keep me locked in my room?” I pluck one off the plate. Chocolatey, crisp exterior, but chewy on the inside, with just a hint of… orange? "These are so good."
“Shut up. I’d never risk Clark or the guys like that. I could literally write ‘poison’ on a note and they would think I was joking and eat them all up. I think they’re tasty, too, but Faith isn’t sure.”
“They remind me of—” I glance up and she smiles.
“Mom’s brownies, right?”
I nod. Nat’s been trying to recreate Mom’s brownies for years. The thought of her baking for me while thinking of Mom melts something inside me. I don’t want to fight anymore. “I’m sorry. I think I’ve been trying so hard to not screw everything up that I ended up making things worse.”
“What? No!” Natalie’s blue eyes go wide.
Those eyes always remind me of Dad, and they look right back at me in the mirror. My hair color might be from a bottle right now, but underneath is the hair we both got from Mom, dirty blonde in the summer, closer to mousy brown in the winter, especially now that we’re getting older.
“It’s true. I—” I take a deep breath. “I’m not going back to school. Not yet anyway. Not until I know it’s for something I really want to do.”
“But this was your dream. You’ve talked about vet school for forever. Even before everything, you always wanted to be a vet. If it’s the money—”
“It’s not. I’ve been careful. It’s…” How do I say this where it would make sense to Nat?
“Remember when we used to talk about you wanting to be a pastry chef? You were going to finish your internship or whatever with that Ramona woman, and then go to France or somewhere amazing and come back famous.”
“Oh, man. How could I forget about Ramona? She was such a bitch.” She snickers behind a cookie. “That was just stuff I talked about though, it was never going to happen.”
“It could’ve! You’re amazing. Do you know how guilty I felt because you gave all that up for me?”
“But it was just one possibility. If I’d done that, then I never would’ve had all this.” Nat gestures around. “Oh.”
“Yeah. Oh. I did want to be a vet, or at least I liked the idea of it, but it’s not my dream anymore and it hasn’t been for a while.
When I first went away, I thought if I just tried hard enough, the spark would come back, but instead, I felt like a zebra in a herd of ponies the whole time.
I was always a little too different, a little too much.
Even when I tried so hard to fit in. And if it was just that, then whatever.
” I shrug. “I know I’m not the only one who’s had a hard time, or struggles to make friends.
It was hard to catch up after so many years of being away from school but I would’ve managed. The spark just wasn’t there.”
She listens quietly, letting me get it all out. When I started, my eyes dropped to the floor, and now when I finally look up, I'm expecting disappointment.
"Come here." She puts her arms out.
"But—"
"Come here!" The command in her voice could give Zero a run for his money. The moment I'm in range, she yanks me in close and squeezes me hard. I bury my face in her shirt, trying not to cry. And for the first time in a long time, I feel truly grateful that I've got an older sister. “I didn't know you were that unhappy at school. I’m sorry, too. Making you feel like I think you’re about to relapse every time you walk out the door isn’t fair. I think me being so worried is more about me than it is about you. I didn’t see it back then until it was too late, so I’m afraid I’ll miss it if it happens again.
All I want is for you to have an amazing life.
I want you to do everything you should’ve been able to do if Mom and Dad hadn’t died and left me to drop every single ball. ”
“You didn’t drop them. I stole them and threw them at your head every time you tried to help.”
“You did. I still have the bruises.” She takes my hand and rubs the back of it with her thumb. “Maybe we can put our heads together and figure out something you'll be happier with. And in the meantime, let's see if we can keep you safe, okay?"
“Okay.”
“Speaking of which. You did spend the night at the club. We don’t need to have the talk do we?”
“Lalalala.” I close my eyes and put my fingers in my ears. “You’re my perfect angel sister.”
Nat pulls one of my fingers out of my ear. “Clark wasn’t delivered by stork.”
“I can’t heeeear you!”
She pulls out the other finger. “And this baby didn’t end up in here because I swallowed a watermelon seed. Are you working later?”
I peek at her, not trusting this sudden subject change.
“No. I told Travis I need some time off, and after everything he pulled, he couldn’t really say much.
I’m so mad I don’t know how I’m going to work with him after this.
Honestly I would’ve quit on the spot but I don’t want the dogs to suffer.
When I go back, Piston and the others are going to make sure someone is with me. ”
“And you’re okay with that?”
I tip my hand back and forth. “Eh. For now.”
She snorts. "You’re going to give them just as much trouble as you do me, aren’t you?"
“Little ol’ me?”
Natalie gets a crafty look on her face. “So if you aren’t going to work…”
“Yes?”
“I’m taking you along to the Harem Brunch Club later.”
“No.” At some point, all the old ladies who are juggling multiple bikers decided that what they needed was to get together at least once a month to vent, gossip and generally chat about their lives. “I’m not an old lady.”
“Yet. Trust me, most of the members start out saying that.”
“I just remembered that Jerry’s dropping off Junkyard later. I was going to bring her to the club so Piston could take care of her for a few days.”
Natalie beams. “Even more perfect! We’re grilling at the club today. See? It’s meant to be.”
I pick up the whole plate of cookies. “I love you, and now these are mine and I’m going to go sulk in my room until I’ve had enough sugar to deal with this.”
“But you’re coming later?”
“Of course.”