Caroline
It’s Friday night, which means I’m getting ready for Lilith and Eve’s party.
They keep telling me it’s very casual and I’m not sure I’ve ever been to a casual party before.
My mother had her stylist ready for us every time we needed to go to any event.
A casual affair meant we were still showing up in dresses worth thousands of dollars to an acquaintance’s house for lunch.
My hair and make-up is great. Make-up is light, just a glowy skin tint, concealer, lip gloss, and mascara. Hair is in rollers while I’m in my robe, standing in front of my closet, looking through the few dresses I’ve packed. They are not…casual. If I wear any of them, I’ll stand out for sure.
There’s one dress that’s cute, light, summer-y. It’s black so it’s good for a party and I’ll blend easily into the crowd. But the last time I wore it Beckett had reacted so harshly that I’ve never touched the dress again. I swallow thickly, my fingers hovering over the dress.
With my heart pounding, I pull down the hanger. Beckett’s not here. And even if he was, I’m quite handy with stabby things, apparently.
I pull the dress on and stand in front of the mirror.
It’s cinched in at the waist and then the skirt flows out, resting just above my knees.
The sleeves are short and slightly puffed.
The neckline is deeper than I’ve ever worn, displaying the curves of my breasts in ways none of my other clothes do.
For a second, I’m back to that summer evening last year, when I wore this dress for dinner.
The way Beckett’s words had eaten away at my confidence.
“Caroline?”
I look away from the mirror and towards my room door.
I open it and find Killian on the other side, dressed in his usual black.
He’s pushed his hair back, but strands of it are falling forward on his forehead.
His eyes slowly trek over my body and my grip tightens on the door, just waiting for him to say it’s inappropriate.
“Is that what you’re wearing?” He asks with a frown.
“Yes,” I say, already defensive.
With a hum, he nods. “Take a sweater or a wrap. You might feel cold.”
Oh.
I see.
Is it crazy to say his concern is shocking? Because when was the last time someone was concerned for me rather than concerned about how my actions or what I wear might reflect on them?
“I don’t think I will,” I say. “And if I do, we literally live three floors above.”
Killian gives me an exasperated look. I think he’s starting to understand that I argue with him just because it’s fun to frustrate him.
“Or you can take it with you and save yourself the trip up,” he says.
“Or I can just borrow something from Eve or Lilith,” I suggest.
With a sigh, he steps back. “You always have to do it your way.”
I laugh because once again, he has no idea how wrong he is.
Just the small fact that he sees me as a person, and not an object which adds to his value, is why I’m never afraid to speak my mind to him.
No one else is going to listen or even care what I want.
He doesn’t have to, either, and I’m sure he’s only humoring me until I leave.
He has no idea how much his respect for my autonomy means to me.
Closing the door, I quickly pull the rollers out and fluff up my hair so it falls exactly how I want to. A quick spray of perfume and I’m ready to go. I step out of my room and find Killian still there, leaning against the island with his phone in his hand.
Behind him, through the windows, the Manhattan bridge is lit up, the water across the East River is still, and across it, Manhattan is slowly awakening for the night like a nocturnal beast.
I’m once again floored that this is my life, however temporarily. Gone are the beaches and California sunrises, the steady, quiet rhythm of life.
“Ready?” Killian looks up from his phone. His eyes drop briefly to the wrap in my hands and even though he doesn’t smile, I know he wants to. I can sense it.
“You’re coming to?” I ask, a little surprised.
“Yeah.” Moving to the door, he grabs his keys from the key bowl and leads us out of the apartment.
“But you said no,” I remind him.
“I changed my mind,” he says.
He locks the door and we walk together to the elevator.
“What made you change your mind?” I look up at him. In my heels, I don’t have to look up that much.
Killian looks at me slowly, blinking once, his eyes a dark blue under the low lights of the elevator. “Just needed a change.”
I nod, humming my acceptance, even as I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling. He’s so cute when he pretends he’s not doing things because of me. What exactly is he protecting me from? Does he really think I’m so innocent and naive I can’t handle a single party?
As the elevator door opens on the fifth floor and the sound of music hits me, I think maybe he’s right. Maybe I can’t handle a party. Adrenaline makes my blood course faster, my heart pounding in my chest.
“I don’t know how to be…” I wave my hand towards the door, turning panicked eyes to him.
Killian’s eyes soften and I hate that look even though I’m revealing my vulnerabilities to him. “Just be yourself.”
“I don’t know who I am,” I say quietly.
“Be who you are when you’re with me,” he says.
“That’s not possible either,” I reply. “Who I am with you is a direct response to who you are with me.”
“If you want to leave, we can leave. If you want to stay for five minutes, we can do that, too. Don’t let some arbitrary fear stop you, Caroline. And don’t deprive people of yourself because that’s what you’ve been taught.”
Killian takes a step closer as the elevator door opens and a group of people step out. They cast us a glance before proceeding to Eve and Lilith’s apartment.
“You don’t have to be the life of the party, Caroline. You don’t have to be anyone other than yourself, and if you need time to figure out who that is, then take the time. But it’s not going to happen while you’re locked up in the apartment.”
I’m acutely aware of the fact that he hasn’t stepped back, that he’s still close enough the skirt of my dress is brushing against his legs.
“You’re always locked up in the apartment,” I say stubbornly.
“Because that’s who I am.” He nods towards the apartment door. “Let’s go.”
Taking a bracing breath, I nod. The door is unlocked and Killian twists the handle, pushing it open. It’s not what I’m expecting. There are a lot of people here, but it’s not crowded. Everyone is in groups, talking and laughing as music plays on the speakers.
Eve is behind the kitchen island mixing drinks as Lilith circulates amongst the guests. Eve notices us as soon as we walk in and abandons her station, coming over to us.
“You came!” She says in excitement, throwing her arms around me. I’m startled for a second before returning her hug. “You look amazing, I love this dress!”
“Thank you,” I whisper, glad the low lights are hiding my blush and low confidence.
“There’s someone Lilith wants you to meet. Let me get her,” Eve says.
“What? Who?” Killian asks sharply. Eve doesn’t reply since she’s already turned around, waving Lilith down. She keeps a hold of my hand as if she’s afraid Killian is going to steal me away.
“Caroline, hi!” This time, when Lilith hugs me, I’m not surprised.
She looks up at Killian. “Surprised to see you here.”
“Who do you want Caroline to meet?” He asks.
I give him a look which he ignores. He doesn’t have to be so rude.
“Oh, yes! Hold on, let me find him.” Turning, Lilith searches the crowd until she finds who she’s looking for. “There he is. Come with me.”
“Wait, Caroline—” Before Killian can finish his thought, Eve grabs his arm and pulls him away from me. She must be surprisingly strong with how easily she pulls him away.
Lilith takes a hold of my hand and pulls me through the crowd towards a man standing in the corner, looking at one of her pottery objects.
He’s got a glass of wine in his hand, dressed in grey slacks ironed to perfection and a light, black sweater, the sleeves pushed up to reveal strong forearms. He’s turned to the side, showing his sharp jaw and straight nose.
“Aiden,” Lilith calls.
He turns fully to look at us and I swear my breath catches.
He’s…wow.
He’s got soulful brown eyes hidden behind glass and when he smiles at Lilith, a dimple appears on his left cheek. His smile is polite, welcoming, the kind which instantly puts you at ease.
“Lilith,” he says. God, even his voice is perfect, like honey and lemon.
“This is who I wanted you to meet,” Lilith says.
“Caroline, this is Aiden Fairchild. He’s a divorce and family attorney at Blackwood, Pierce & Caldwell, one of the top law firms in New York.
Aiden, this is Caroline, she’s also a lawyer and she’s just moved here from California.
Talk amongst yourselves while I get you both a couple of drinks. ”
Lilith rushes off, leaving the two of us standing there in an awkward silence.
“Do you think this is a romantic set up?” Aiden asks.
“I hope not,” I say before I can think better of it.
Aiden’s eyebrows shoot up and I flush with embarrassment, suddenly wishing I’d stayed next to Killian.
“What I mean is, I just got out of a relationship,” I explain.
It’s the first time I’ve ever said it out loud and it’s strangely freeing.
Like I’ve lifted a huge burden off my shoulders.
I’m not engaged anymore. I’m free! I can wear what I want, I can eat what I want and when I want.
I can binge a whole cake in the middle of the night, and no one is going to stop me.
“Congratulations,” Aiden says.
“How do you know it’s a happy ending?”
“I’ve gotten a lot of people divorced. I can always tell when someone is happy to be free.”
“That’s quite the talent,” I commend him.