Killian
“Why did you have to do that?” I ask Wes.
His eyes are bright behind his glasses as he smiles at me. “Why did you have to lie and say you’re not jealous?”
“I’m not fucking jealous, Wesley.”
I’m grinding my jaw hard enough to crack a molar.
What I’m feeling can’t be explained away by simple jealousy.
Caroline is too trusting. She blooms like a flower if someone offers her a little attention and she doesn’t wait to see if that person is a complete asshole or not.
I don’t want her to get hurt. Maybe there’s some jealousy there, which I don’t have any fucking right to feel.
“It didn’t appear that way to me,” Wes says.
“You barely leave your apartment and computers, I doubt you know anything about human emotions,” I snap.
“Because I’m your best friend and I know what you’re feeling, I’m not going to take offense at that.”
My eyes follow Caroline across the room, laughing at something one of Lilith’s friends says. Her shoulders are set in a rigid line, spine straight. Is this what she’s like with Beckett, or does she allow herself to relax? Does he let her relax?
“She’s going to marry my brother,” I tell Wes. I’m also reminding myself since I seem to forget it every time she’s around.
Living with her isn’t easy. She doesn’t make a peep yet I still know she’s there.
The scent of her perfume lingers in the air.
The apartment feels lighter just from her presence.
The Tower of Exhaustion doesn’t feel so exhausting.
I’m acutely aware she’s going to leave soon so I’m trying not to get used to her presence.
Wes hums, nursing his beer.
“What?”
He shrugs. “Nothing.”
“Just spit it out, Wes.”
He looks at Caroline. “Exactly how confident are you that she's going to marry your brother?”
“Caroline always does what her parents want. She’s not going to disappoint them, so I’m a hundred percent sure she’s going to get over whatever this is and go back home in time for the wedding.”
It’s why I don’t have a problem with her staying in the apartment. I expect this burst of independence will fade as soon she gets over her cold feet. She’ll be back in California in time for the wedding.
“If you say so,” Wes says. “You know her better than me.”
She accepts a hair stick from Lilith, neatly twisting up her and inserting the stick through to hold it in place.
It reveals the graceful curve of her neck and highlights the neckline of her dress even more.
The dress hugs her every curve before flaring out into a skirt.
The low dip of the neckline is all too enticing, taking a Herculean effort to not even glance at her tits.
No matter how many times I remind myself not to look at her like a woman, it’s impossible because my mind and body don’t want to listen. Because they know Caroline, they crave her presence, her voice, the curve of her lips when she smiles, the sparkle in her eyes when she’s happy.
She has to marry Beckett so she can be far away in California and I can live my life without thinking about her every second.
I ask Wes about work, changing the subject from Caroline. The more I think about her, the harder it will be to stop thinking about her. I’m still aware of her, though. My eyes track her around the apartment, mingling with the guests, talking to Eve and Lilith. I know they already love her.
I want to leave. I trust Eve and Lilith; Caroline will be safe here.
She’ll be safer if I’m watching her every move, and keeping track of how many drinks she’s had, though.
I want to let her have the experiences she’s craving, but I can’t stop the urge to protect her or offer her support. Whatever she needs.
Not that I’ve been very supportive or helpful so far, given that she refuses to even glance in my direction.
By the time the party ends, I’m sitting in a chair, away from everyone. I watch them leave and I watch Caroline try to assist Eve with picking up the glasses and bringing them to the kitchen. Neither of them is steady on their legs.
“I think I’m growing too old for parties,” Lilith says, sitting down across from me.
“You say that now but you’ll be the first one to jump at the chance to throw another one,” I say. My head is resting on the back of the chair and even though I look relaxed, I’m keeping track of Caroline’s every move, ready to jump in if she’s about to trip.
“You do realize you’re completely obsessed with this woman?” Lilith says, her voice quiet.
Eve almost trips and that’s apparently very funny because both of them burst into laughter.
“That’s your expert opinion?” I ask Lilith.
“It’s obvious. You’ve been watching her since you both walked into the apartment.”
“I definitely watched you try to set her up with as many people as possible,” I reply.
“See, this is what I mean,” Lilith exclaims. “I was introducing her to people and you think I was trying to set her up.”
I finally glance at her. She’s leaning over the arm of the chair towards me, her expression eager and pacifying.
“Caroline doesn’t need to be introduced to every single person you know.”
Lilith rolls her eyes, sitting back against the chair. “You can’t keep her locked in the apartment. Haven’t you learned from the fairytales? A princess locked in her tower will escape.”
“She’s already done that,” I explain. “She’s here.”
“And now you’re keeping her locked up. Seems like she exchanged one prison for another.”
I can’t explain myself to them. They don’t understand that I'm not keeping her locked up. I’m trying to protect her.
They didn’t watch her grow up, they didn’t see the eagerness in her to be loved and accepted for who she is.
It will be so easy for anyone to take advantage of her; people have before.
People she thought were her friends. Let’s not even talk about her family.
All I want is to preserve that small spark of hope and optimism still left in her.
It might not be my responsibility and she certainly hasn’t asked me to do it.
I’m still going to. Caroline is as brilliant as the first ray of the sun after weeks of nothing but clouds.
I want to protect her sunshine, even from myself.
“It’s getting late, we should go.” I stand up.
Eve turns to look at me. “But it’s so early!”
“It’s almost two in the morning,” Lilith says, amused at her wife.
“I’m not tired,” Eve protests.
“I can take care of that,” Lilith replies, smirking.
“Let us get out of the apartment first,” I say, walking to Caroline.
She doesn’t look at me. Instead, she sets the glasses she’s holding by the sink and turns to Eve, opening her arms for a hug. Eve is a little shorter and removed her heels, so when she hugs Caroline, her face rests right on her breasts. They hug like long lost sisters.
Lilith gives me an amused look and pulls Eve away. “Okay, she’s only going upstairs. You can play with her tomorrow.”
Eve looks at her, smiling softly, resting her head on Lilith’s shoulder. “I love you.”
And Lilith, the calmest person I know, who’s always stoic and sensible, actually blushes.
I wish them good night, leading Caroline out of the apartment and leaving the amorous couple alone. Caroline walks ahead of me to the elevator, her steps unsteady. I fist my hands to stop myself from reaching out for her.
She stands in a corner of the elevator, playing with her wrap and still pretending I don’t exist. I might as well be her friendly ghost.
“Caroline,” I say, once we’re in the apartment.
“I’m going to my room, where you obviously prefer me.”
I follow her to her room, watching as she lifts her legs to remove her sandals. She tosses them on the floor on her way to the dresser. With a sigh, I pick them up and set them aside so she doesn’t trip over them later.
“I never said I prefer you in your room,” I explain.
She throws me a nasty look over her shoulder as she pulls out something pink and silk from the top dresser drawer. “Ask me how much I care what you really meant.”
She doesn’t wait for me to reply. Instead, she walks into the bathroom and I stand outside, listening as the shower turns on.
While she showers, I go up to my room and grab the bottle of Advil. She seems only a little tipsy. Still, she’ll appreciate not having a hangover tomorrow. Then I sit on the couch and wait. She always takes the longest showers.
I’m almost asleep when the shower shuts off. The door opens and Caroline steps out. I haven’t bothered turning on any lights and Caroline can’t see me from where I’m sitting under the shadow of the stairs, but I see her.
My breath catches in my throat and I almost wish I’d gone upstairs.
The selfish, obsessive, jealous part of me whispers if I had, I would have missed seeing her like this.
Fresh from her shower, looking soft and welcoming, dressed in tiny silk shorts and a top that barely qualifies as one.
This is what she sleeps in? In my apartment? Directly below my room?
Maybe it’s a good thing that we stick to our respective rooms after dinner.
Barefoot, she pads to the kitchen and sees the Advil and glass of water I left there for her. A smile takes over her face at the sight and she starts to reach for it. As if remembering she’s angry at me, she pulls her hand back.
“You don’t have to punish yourself to punish me,” I say softly.
She whirls around, her hand going to her chest, resting over her heart. Her eyes land on me.
“Jesus, fuck, Killian. Are you trying to kill me?”
“I’m trying to save you from a hangover,” I say.
I don’t want to move from my spot, it won’t be a good decision. But I want to make sure Caroline takes the painkiller and hydrates before bed. As I walk towards her, I remind myself that what she’s wearing is still better than seeing her in a towel. If I can survive that, I can survive this.
“I don’t need your charity or your care,” she snaps.
“And I don’t need your permission to care about your safety.” I push the medicine bottle toward her.