Chapter 25
Caroline
My legs and arms wake up before my mind does. I stretch my arms, kicking my legs out as I burrow my face into my pillow.
“Did you just kick me?”
My eyes pop open and I’m almost blinded by the sunlight pouring in through the windows as I whip my head around. Killian is leaning against the headboard, shirtless, hair mussed, his sketchbook open on his lap.
“It wasn’t a dream,” I say softly.
A corner of his mouth lifts up briefly. “I’m afraid not.”
I raise my arms up, stretching properly before turning to face him.
“What are you sketching?”
Turning the sketchbook, he shows me the page on which he’s drawn me, sleeping, my face relaxed, and lips parted.
“I will never get over your ability to make me more beautiful than I am,” I say in quiet wonder. His sheer talent leaves me awestruck.
“I only draw what I see, and in case I’ve never made it clear before, you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”
“You have to say that to the woman in your bed.”
He shoots me a disapproving look. “Caroline.”
My name is an admonishment and I’m appropriately chastened. I have no reason to tease him when he’s always taking care of me and treating me like I really am the most beautiful woman in the world.
“Can we just stay in bed all day?” I ask.
Killian closes his sketchbook and puts it on the nightstand. “We can. But you’re going to miss out on being a tourist and being on the river.”
I sit up in excitement. “We’re going on the ferry?”
“We are,” Killian says with a small smile.
“Eeee!” I squeal with excitement, throwing off the comforter and getting out of bed. “When do we have to leave? How much time do we have? I have to get ready!”
Killian watches me with amusement. “I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who was this excitement to go on a ferry.”
“It’s not just that,” I say. “I’m more excited about seeing more places. I’m going to get ready.”
I rush out of his room before he can delay me further and into the bathroom for my morning ablutions. Once I’m showered with freshly washed hair, I wrap a towel around my body and run to my room.
“You’re like a child!” Killian says from the kitchen.
I do feel like a childlike wonder every time I step out into the city.
One day it might get old and boring, and I’ll be a real New Yorker who grouches about too many tourists.
That day is not today. Today, I’m experiencing it all for the first time.
The best part is, it’s with Killian. Who’s probably going to hate every second of it and will still do it for me.
I don a cream-colored sundress printed with small red flowers. Back in the bathroom, I dry and style my hair, do my make-up, and finally step out like a new woman.
“Okay, I’m ready. How do I look?”
I turn in a circle, just like I did last night. Killian pauses mid sip of his coffee and looks me over from head to toe.
“You look good enough to eat,” he says.
“I will let you after we’re done,” I say.
Even from across the room, his eyes are incinerating. “Is that a promise?”
“It was a promise last night but you’re the one who took me to bed and put me to sleep.”
Killian sets down the coffee cup and walks over to me. He’s wearing dark grey, almost black pants and a long-sleeved Henley with the sleeves pushed up to reveal his corded forearms and tattoos.
“You were drunk last night, baby,” he says. “When I make you come, I need you to be sober enough to remember every moment.”
I twist my mouth to the side as something prickles in the back of my mind. It’s old insecurities poking their ugly heads up. What if I’m not enough? What if I’m boring?
“What’s wrong?” Killian asks.
“Nothing,” I reply quickly.
Killian looks at me flatly. “Caroline, I’ve known you for a long time. I know when something is wrong.”
Ugh, I don’t want to tell him about my insecurities. Who wants to hear those? Especially when they’re related to his brother.
“It’s nothing, I promise. I’m just hungry.” I point at my face. “This is my hungry face.”
Killian looks like he doesn’t believe me, and what’s more, like he’s disappointed that I’m choosing to lie rather than tell him the truth.
It’s cold on the ferry. We’re on the top deck and the wind is whipping my hair around. It’s a good thing I remembered to bring a light jacket, or I’d be a shivering mess. The sun beating down on us feels amazing and I tilt my face up to the sky to get the full effect.
The full view of the Manhattan skyline as seen from the water is really something. Killian promised to bring me back at night because apparently the Staten Island ferry runs all night long.
“How many relationships have you had?” I ask.
Killian looks at me curiously. “What brought this on?”
“You know my sordid dating history, so I want to know yours,” I explain.
“Can we call your dating history sordid? It was two people, and both were carbon copies of each other.”
I gasp in offense. “Don’t make me throw you into the water.”
Kilian’s eyes, as light as the water beneath us, roam over me. “I’ll take my chances against you.”
“Wow,” I say, reeling from the shots he’s taking against me. “You woke up and chose violence.”
He shrugs. “You’re the one who started it.”
“Is your dating history really that bad?” I ask.
People press in on either side of us, looking at the skyline, taking photos. Killian steps in front of me, bracing his hands on the railing behind me, effectively stopping anyone from coming too close. I feel a flutter of butterflies in my stomach at his proximity just like I always do.
“It’s not bad,” Killian says. “I had four long-term relationships and a few casual ones.”
“Which one hurt the most when you broke up?” I ask.
“Where is this curiosity coming from?” Killian asks, tilting his head. The wind plays with his hair, and I reach up, pushing it away from his forehead.
“I want to know these things about you,” I say. “You know mostly everything about me.”
Sometimes our relationship feels very unbalanced. Killian seems to have gotten every detail of my life while I barely know anything about his. He exhales and presses a kiss against my forehead, which I take as his acquiescence.
“I wouldn’t say it hurt, but the second affected me the most,” he answers. “It was the longest one, lasted almost three years and in the end, she broke up with me because it wasn’t enough for her.”
“I’m sorry,” I say. Settling my hands on his waist, I press closer to him. I can’t imagine him feeling lonely after being dumped.
“It was a long time ago and she made the right decision.”
I have no choice other than to believe him even though I want to argue that leaving Killian can never be the right choice. But I wasn’t a part of the relationship, so I don’t know what Killian was like when he was with his ex.
“Which was the messiest relationship?” I ask.
He laughs dryly. “Definitely the fourth. We fought a lot, and she broke up with me after she found—”
He breaks off mid-sentence, shifting uncomfortably.
“What did she find?” I ask.
The ferry turns, making its way towards the dock. The city starts to get closer and closer.
“Nothing,” Killian says.
“It was something. I can tell from your face.”
“It was nothing. This is just my hunger face.” Killian raises his eyebrows pointedly.
“Well played,” I acknowledge. I lean up to whisper in his ear. “Was it body parts?”
Killian laughs, his hands coming to rest on my waist. “It’s not that. Actually, if it had been, she wouldn’t have been nearly as upset.”
I gasp at the revelation. “What was it, then? Was it porn? Do you have a secret porn addiction?”
Killian looks down at me, his blue eyes full of amusement. “Yes, Caroline, that’s exactly it. I have a secret porn addiction.”
“I knew it! I knew you’re too good to be true.”
“You figured me out,” Killian says in a deadpan voice.
“What do you want in return for telling me what she found?” I ask.
Without hesitation, Killian lowers his head and presses his lips against my ear. His breath fans across my neck, making me shiver. “How about you stop asking these questions and I’ll lick your pussy tonight until you pass out?”
I make a sound in the back of my throat which can only be classified as a squeak. Killian straightens, smirking with satisfaction. A promise like that is enough to shut me up.
“Just so I’m clear, what kinds of questions can I ask?”
My cheeks and ears burn, and I know it doesn’t have anything to do with the sun above us, and all to do with someone’s son in front of me.
“You can ask me anything except about what we just discussed,” Killian says.
I see. I bite the inside of my cheek wondering what the hell his ex found that was bad enough to break up with him. He said they fought a lot and if that wasn’t enough to lead to a breakup, whatever she found must have been really bad. Really, really bad.
I admire the sharp cut of his jaw; the way the sun makes streaks of gold appear in his dark hair. Killian is allowed to have his secrets just like anyone else. At the same time, do I need to be concerned? What if he’s secretly a sadist and I won’t know until later?
“I can hear you thinking,” Killian says. “If it makes you feel any better, it’s not something bad.” He pauses, frowning. “Well…”
“Well? Well, is not a good thing, Killian.”
“It really depends on how you look at it,” he says. “It can be a good or bad thing, depending on your perspective and how you feel about it.”
“Oh, good. That solves everything,” I say dryly.
“I don’t think it’s a bad thing,” he says.
“But it’s bad enough for someone to break up with you?”
“Yes.”
“Will I think it’s bad?” I ask. I realize I’m putting myself in the position of his romantic partner. And fuck it, what the hell are we doing if not leading to that? Why play around it? For the first time in my life, I don’t care what anyone is going to say or think.
“No,” Killian says.
I groan. “Are you trying to drive me crazy on purpose? How is it bad, but not bad?”