17. 17
17
Dexter
W hat did I do?
When I told Tilly it was a mistake, to forget it, the look on her face… she was about to crumple. Tears maybe. Hurt, shock, anger… I caused her pain. I hurt Tilly and I hate myself for it.
And then she squared her shoulders, blanked all the emotion from her face and walked away, like she’s heard it all before, done it all before and survived.
The sight of her transformation bothers me more than I could ever imagine.
I let her walk away when all I want to do is throw myself at her and apologize.
But it has to be done.
Because if anyone finds out I’ve slept with a student again, my career is over. I told Tilly the truth about that. That’s a fact.
But if anyone finds out Tilly is the student—at forty-five, Tilly may be one of the oldest students here. She’ll face challenges because of her age, but if people find out she is the student who got me fired, her reputation will be ruined.
I can’t do that to her.
I think Tilly cares deeply about what people think about her.
After I see her sitting there among the other students, listening to me talk about J.R.R. Tolkien, the only way I can finish is to blank her out. I have to forget, but I can’t, so I have to pretend. I pretend she means nothing.
I’m not yet sure what Tilly means to me, but I know that night meant something. It was too good not to. It could mean the start of something amazing, but because Tilly is sitting in one of my classes, I have to pretend it’s nothing. She’s nothing.
I have to keep things completely professional. It’s the best for both of us.
It’s also the last thing I want to do.
M ax calls me that night. “Hey, bro, how was the first day of school?” It’s been a tradition since my first year of teaching - Max always calls the first day to see how things went and he takes me out for a beer when classes are over.
We do lots of things throughout the year, but first-day-of-school call is his habit. And I’ve always looked forward to sharing the good, bad, and the ugly with him.
“It was shit,” I tell him.
“Oh no! But you had your Frodo class.”
“Didn’t go as well as I hoped.” Which is a lie—the class was great, up to the moment I saw Tilly.
When I completely destroyed her.
“That’s too bad,” Max says. “Hey, let’s have a beer. Cady’s here; I’ll see if she’s got any friends for you to—”
“I’m not interested in Cady’s friends,” I snap.
Silence. “What’s that supposed to mean?” Max demands in a cold voice.
“It means I don’t want to meet anyone. You keep pushing—Dammit.” I realize how this sounds. I am tired of Max and Cady trying to meddle in my dating life, trying to make me as happy as they are, but I shouldn’t have said it like that. Max is very protective about Cady—not surprising since she has quite the past as an exotic dancer and escort before she made her millions. Billions.
“It’s nothing about Cady,” I say quickly. “You know I adore her. It’s just… I’m an asshole today.”
“Nobody calls my bro an asshole. I jumped when I didn’t need to.”
Straight down my throat, which I kind of deserved. “Sorry, Max. Didn’t mean anything. Bad day.”
“Okay… you sure? This isn’t like you, especially on the first day of school. Usually, you’re so jolly.”
I can’t tell Max about Tilly.
The first time I got involved with one of my students, Max thought it was cool. We were twenty-six and idiots. He said being a teacher was a great way to pick up women and we laughed about it. He said something about the relationship giving me street cred, I asked if he wanted to come in as a guest lecturer and take his own shot.
The second time, he was a little worried but didn’t say much. There was no laughing.
The third time he asked if I was fucking insane.
There were others that he didn’t know about, and I had no desire to tell him. Max is a great friend and he’d tell me straight out, with a lot of profanity, if I was making a mistake.
Tilly would be a mistake. I know that. It still doesn’t help.
“Not feeling the jolliness,” I admit and then to change the subject, “You talk to Nick?”
“I texted him. He’s miserable too.”
“Look at you, stuck with the both of us.” I make a note to text Nick later when I pull myself out of this mood because I’ll be no help to him now. “Thanks for the beer offer but I’m going to sit and stew on my own tonight.”
“Change your mind, just give us a call.”
I can hear the concern in his voice and that’s what makes Max a good friend. It also means I would not be able to be in the same room with him without confessing everything. “Will do.”
I’m not about to change my mind. I’m not about to change my mind about any of it.