34. 34
34
Tilly
T he next few weeks are like nothing I’ve ever experienced.
Dexter is… everything.
During the week, we see each other every night. He takes me for dinner at tiny, hole-in-the-wall places that I’ve never noticed when I walk by. We explore different areas of the city, stopping at shops and pubs and bakeries. I take him to my favourite bookstore, and he takes me to a game store where they know him by name.
We go to movies at an old theatre with red velvet seats, and visit a tiny corner shop owned by an Italian couple that makes the best gelato outside of Italy.
I’m more comfortable outside my neighbourhood because I expect judgment when people see us together. I constantly remind myself that I’m nine years older than Dexter, and it’s easier to deal with when I’m in unfamiliar territory because I won’t ever see those people again.
Dexter tells me not to worry, that I don’t look any older than he does. And I have to admit, there aren’t many side glances when we walk along the sidewalk holding hands.
He holds my hand. He opens doors for me and buys me dinner and sometimes groceries if I’m making food for him. He asks about my day and smiles when he opens his eyes in the morning and always kisses me goodnight.
Bella, the cat, has even fallen in love with him.
From Monday to Thursday night, we live in a bubble full of laughter and happiness and the most incredible sex I’ve ever dreamed about.
I don’t even think I’ve dreamed about it because I honestly never imagined it could be so good.
My girls know nothing about Dexter. They ask questions about what I do during the week when they’re at their father’s but are so caught up with their lives that they don’t really listen to what I say.
Jordan is having an easier time transitioning into high school than she expected, which is good because I’m not sure I would have the bandwidth to deal with her anxieties.
Of course I would, but I’m so consumed with Dexter these days that it might be a struggle to focus.
I wonder if it’s healthy to be this enthralled with him.
He misses a soccer game because he wants to take me to the movies, and I tell him he can’t give up his life for me.
He wants to introduce me to his friends.
I’ve never been this happy, and it bubbles over to everything in my life. I play loud music on the weekends and dance around the apartment with the girls, and order them pizza and take them out for ice cream. I include a romance subplot in the game I’m developing and the designers love it.
I start writing for myself on Sunday afternoons when the girls are finishing their homework.
Jordan is the first to notice this new side of me.
“You seem happy,” she says Saturday night. We’ve settled on the couch with a bowl of popcorn to watch the newest rom-com on Netflix. “Happier,” she corrects.
“I am happy.”
“Happier without Dad,” Jade points out. She doesn’t look up from her phone. I thought she wasn’t listening.
“I was happy with your father,” I say because that’s what I always tell them. They don’t need to know my therapy-helped realizations about my marriage. “But divorce is never easy. I can’t compare my life now with what it was like when we lived together because it’s very different.”
“Are you happier without seeing us every day?” Jordan asks in a quiet voice.
I hug her tightly. “I miss you both every minute I’m not with you, but you being at your dad’s during the week is easier for you. That makes me worry less about you. As long as you’re happy, I don’t want to change that.”
“I miss you,” she admits.
“You can call me anytime. FaceTime too.”
“I FaceTimed you the other night, and you didn’t pick up,” Jade accuses.
“I told you I was in the shower.”
I actually was sitting right about where she is now, naked, with my legs spread and Dexter’s mouth giving me the most exquisite pleasure. But I don’t want to think about that because the girls are here and I need to give them my attention, not having my mind wandering off to some Dexter-inspired daydream.
The nights are bad enough when he’s not here.
“Does Dad and Heidi bother you?” Jade asks, thankfully getting off the topic of the missed FaceTime call.
“I want your father to be happy,” I say tactfully. And it’s the truth—most of the time. There are still times when I wish for Carlos to have a raging case of poison ivy on his cock, but I know a content Carlos only makes my life easier.
“Do you think you’ll find someone other than Daddy?” Jordan asks.
“I’d like to.” That is the truth. Two years of being alone has been difficult and while at the beginning I never wanted to be beholden to a man again, I’ve changed my mind.
I still don’t want to be beholden or dependent on a man, but I’d be fine sharing my life again.
When the girls can handle it, of course. They’ve been through so much and there’s no way I would add anything more. But if I could be sure they would accept me with another man—maybe me with Dexter—then I would be open to letting them into that part of my life.
It seems strange to have “parts” of my life, when for so long, my life was solely as a wife and mother. There was no other Tillys.
Now there is Mother Tilly, and student Tilly, and ex-wife Tilly, and the Tilly who begs for more when her boyfriend goes down on her and screams his name when she comes.
I quite like that Tilly, but the girls definitely are not ready for her.
“It would be weird seeing you with someone who wasn’t Dad,” Jade says and my heart sinks.
“You don’t think she deserves to be happy?” Jordan snaps back.
“I’m not saying that, but it would be weird. It would,” she adds. “But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want it for you.”
“Maybe someday,” I manage.
The closer Dexter and I become means that my concerns are more about what the girls would think, rather than the fear that Dexter might be fired because he’s with me. I’ve learned to keep my distance from him in class and my eyes off certain parts of him. I may want him to touch me every minute of the day, but I only act on it when we’re alone.
When we’re alone, I act on everything, because Dexter is becoming… everything to me.