46. 46
46
Tilly
O ne day at a time.
One week at a time.
Time passes, and it goes by more quickly than I expected. Being busy helps; I take a part-time consulting job with BOMB Bros games, similar to what I did before the girls were born.
In the evenings, I write. I start with journalling and move to short stories. It’s cathartic for me and helps me sort out the confusion in my mind, about Dexter and Carlos.
Yes, I spent the holidays with him. Yes, it was incredibly awkward seeing him with Heidi, but the girls loved having me around. We went swimming and snorkelling and spent days lounging by the pool.
I did not enjoy answering questions about Dexter and why he didn’t come.
Telling the girls that we broke up was even more difficult than telling them about the divorce because, even though they were upset that their father and I were splitting up, they hadn’t been that surprised. Children notice more than you give them credit for. They heard the fighting late at night, saw the tension.
With Dexter, they met him and saw how happy we were. And then he was gone.
It was confusing for all.
I would have loved to have Dexter with me, but I do all I can to convince Carlos he’s no longer part of my life.
It’s the only way to make sure Carlos doesn’t contact the university and tell them about our relationship. It would only be his word against ours, but I won’t take that chance.
I miss Dexter so much.
But more than that—I miss the me I am when I’m with him. The week with Carlos has shown me that I’ve changed drastically since I was married to him, and I don’t want to go back to that person. I can’t.
But I do everything I can to convince my ex-husband I’m still the woman he married, all while I make plans to change my life.
The job is a big start; so is looking for a new apartment, one that I don’t need Carlos’s help to pay the rent.
For the first time in almost twenty years, I’m doing something for myself.
It took a few weeks before I realized that while I was disappointed that Dexter kept the truth of his past a secret from me, it was really Carlos that I was still so angry with. I never had a chance to express the depths of what his infidelity did to me. Yes, the marriage was far from perfect, but I had been committed. Carlos had never shared that commitment.
I let myself be angry, truly furious, and it felt good.
It also took time for me to get to know the woman I can be when I don’t have a man in my life. I may have had two years alone, but I had still been clinging to the persona of the woman I had been with Carlos.
I didn’t like her much, and I definitely didn’t want to be her anymore.
I took the time to work on myself and while I missed Dexter every day, I never gave in to the temptation to call him. To explain why I needed to keep my distance.
It was difficult to see Dexter in class every week and not give him a secret smile. Not to talk to him after class.
I don’t do much participating. It’s too hard.
I wonder sometimes if my refusal to drop the course was my way of punishing myself for trusting another man, only to let myself get hurt again. Because seeing Dexter hurt.
It hurt a lot.
But February turns into March, and April begins. And with it comes the end of the course. No more weekly talks about Frodo and the dwarves and how the fantasy genre had been so influenced by a story about a hobbit.
For the final class, Dexter seems sad as he wishes us well, and promises to get our papers back to us as soon as he can. I ended the course with an A and I think my final paper will only help my grade.
I take my time, waiting for the rest of the students to say goodbye to Dexter. He finally sees me waiting and the expression on his face cracks my heart a little.
“Tilly.” Even the smile looks hopeful.
“I enjoyed the class, Professor.”
Dexter’s face falls. His shoulders slump. Everything about his body language tells me he’s disappointed by my comment. Or lack of comment.
“Thank you,” I add, then straighten my shoulders and walk past him.
I feel like crying.
“Tilly,” Dexter calls after me.
When I turn, it looks like Dexter is close to tears as well. But I don’t let anything show. I have perfected the blank expression.
“Have a nice summer,” he says miserably.
“You, too.” Then I walk away,
T hat night, I head to Ye Olde Sports Bar.
I’ve thought long and hard about this, whether I want to allow Dexter back into my life. What happens if I want to, and he’s moved on?
Because I’ve tried to move on, and it didn’t do any good.
I thought the girls had forgotten about Dexter, but only last week Jordan asked about him.
That helped me make up my mind.
I walked into the bar, wearing my best jeans, a black silky shirt, and a brand new bra and underwear set.
It’s green, which I happen to know is Dexter’s favourite colour.
As I take a seat at a table, I see him sitting at the bar with Max and Nick. Nerves and excitement bubble inside me, and I wonder how long I should wait.
I don’t wait long at all. Impatiently, I pull out my phone.
Me: You look bored
When Dexter jumps off the stool, whipping his head around trying to find me, I think it might be the best thing I’ve ever seen.
“Dex?” I hear Max say.
And then he sees me and I don’t hear anything else but the thundering of my heart as he stumbles across the crowded bar.
“Tilly.” Dexter’s dark eyes are wide and incredulous. There’s hope on his face, the same hope I wiped off in class today. I had to do that, to know if there was still a chance. Because Dexter wouldn’t have looked that miserable if he had moved on.
And if he hadn’t moved on, if he hadn’t forgotten, then I might have a chance to explain. How I only kept my distance to protect him? How I needed the time to find myself, to truly become the woman he helped me create.
I needed time to sort out my life, to free myself from the bonds Carlos still kept me in. A new job, a new apartment. I decided not to finish my English degree and go back to work full-time.
Soon, the only hold Carlos will have on me is through our children, and I can live with that. There will be no more walking into my apartment, no more dictating who I can and can not be with.
For the first time, I feel free to go after what I want.
And I want Dexter. I just hope he still feels the same way.
“What are you doing here?” he asks in a wary voice. I hate that I made him sound that way.
I fight the urge to get to my feet. To wrap my arms around him, his slim waist, and rest my head on that chest that has haunted my dreams these last months. “I was hoping to run into someone,” I say. I glance over at Max, who gives me a salute and turns back to the baseball game on the giant screen.
It took a lot of courage to contact Max and ask for his help, but not more than coming here tonight.
This has taken almost everything I’ve got and only the fervent wish that Dexter will give me a second chance led me through the door.
“But…”
“Max said he would bring you here. So I thought…” I let the unspoken words dangle between us. I can’t keep my gaze off his face, drinking in the way his every expression has flashed.
Surprise, happiness, and then confusion. Hope.
And I really hope I’m reading it right because, I think that’s still love in his eyes.
It also helped that Max told me Dexter has been miserable without me. When I explained why I stayed away, he agreed it was the right decision. He wants to protect Dexter as much as I do.
“Please tell me what you’re thinking,” Dexter begs, his voice as powerful as if he dropped to his knees before me.
Dexter on his knees before me…
Not here, not now. Not until I tell him how much I still love him. How I never stopped, never wanted to stop.
And I need to ask if he still feels the same.
“Why don’t you let me show you?” I get to my feet, standing so close to him, resting my hand on his chest. “I’d like to show you. Let me worship you.”
“Tilly.” Dexter gasps out my name like it’s his last breath of air. “I’m sorry. So sorry I lied. I—”
“I know why you did. And I’m sorry I stayed away, but it was the only way I could think of to protect you. Carlos would have gone to the school. You would have lost everything.”
“You went away with him.” The hurt in his tone nearly breaks me.
“Only to convince him I was over you. But I’m not,” I confess, splaying my hand against the cotton of his shirt and wanting to pull him closer. Close enough for my mouth to meet his and— “I don’t think I can ever get over you, Dexter.”
Dexter barks an incredulous laugh. “Are you real?”
“Will you forgive me?” It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him that I still love him, but I wait. I have to make sure. Because if he doesn’t feel the same way…
“Forgive you?” In a move smoother than the first time he took me in his arms, Dexter gathers me up so my feet leave the floor, and spins me around. In the distance, I hear cheering and the sound of high fives. “You have to forgive me.”
I wrap my arms around Dexter’s neck and hang on. “I love you.” The words bubble out and I couldn’t keep them in even if I wanted to. “I love you so much.”
“God, I love you,” Dexter groans. “And I’m so sorry I’ve been such a bad professor.”
I laugh as Dexter sets me down to kiss me.