Chapter 11 #3
My favorite part was when the majority of the choir filed off stage, leaving Dane and seven others, evenly split between boys and girls, to occupy the bottom center of the risers.
Singing a cappella, they did a stripped-down rearrangement of “The Boxer” by Simon and Garfunkel, a truly inspired take on “Empire State of Mind” by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys—with certain lyrical adjustments made—and a soaring, gut-wrenching version of “Wicked Game” by Chris Isaak.
When it was over, the Badd Clan made its way out to the lobby to wait for Dane to make his appearance. Rune found me, and we hugged properly.
"You're here?" she whispered in my ear, clinging to me. "Like, for good?"
I nodded. "All my shit is in my car. The little that I kept, at least."
"Why were you in Portland?"
I shrugged. "I left LA more than two months ago. I spent almost two weeks there. I spent nearly two weeks in Seattle with Raquel and Hamish. I spent a week in Eureka."
"Doing what?"
I shrugged. "Not being in LA? What were you doing when you left LA?"
She grinned. "The same thing."
"So where do you think I got the idea?"
Her grin faded. "Dane is…putting on a brave face, but he misses you." She examined me. "Please tell me you're here to talk to him."
I nodded. "I am. Of course I am. It's…he's not the only reason I came, though."
"You look…different," Rune said. "I can't pinpoint why, though, or what it is."
I grinned, shrugged. "Probably just the fact that I've spent the last two months since leaving LA finally confronting my demons."
Her eyes instantly went misty. "Really?"
I nodded. "I'm not, like, healed. That's a lifetime process, I think. But I'm…" I let out a deep breath. "I'm okay. Like, actually okay for the first time in my life."
She scrutinized me. "Something happened."
I nodded. "Yes. But I'd like to tell you and Dane at the same time, so I only have to tell it once."
"But you're okay? Whatever happened?"
I clutched her close again. "Yes, Rune. I'm okay. More okay than I've ever been. I just…I guess now I just have to hope I can salvage things with Dane." I blinked hard. "Is it…is it salvageable?”
She looked over my shoulder, a grin spreading across her face. "You tell me."
Dane was there in the crowd, staring at me. The crowd seemed to swirl around him, leaving space around him as he stood beneath a light as if spotlit. Hands in his trouser pockets, debonair in his tailed tux.
"DANE! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!" Duncan was yelling, rushing for his brother. "Since when are you Josh fucking Groban?"
The tableau broke as his family surrounded him, and I faded into the background, knowing they and he needed this first.
I watched as his brother and sisters hugged him, and his mom gave him a single rose, and his dad clapped him on the back gruffly, muttering something while looking emotional. Aunt, uncles, cousins, they all swarmed him.
It was a massive crowd, his family, taking up the majority of the lobby outside the auditorium—and they drew a lot of looks, being a massive clan of tall, hot, loud Alaskans. They just…stood out.
I leaned back against a window, watching, and the joy on Dane's face as he joked and laughed with his family was enough to make me emotional.
Albeit I was always emotional, these days.
I'd spent so long hiding it all beneath vulgarity, cursing, and inappropriate humor that I was having to adjust to letting myself feel other stuff. It was hard, but good.
After a good thirty minutes, the Badd Clan finally filtered out—for Dane's parents' house, I heard, which was apparently the go-to spot for family gatherings.
The lobby was empty by then, except for a few stragglers, a janitor, and a tiny girl hauling a giant cello case around.
And Dane.
I stayed where I was; he came to me.
Stopped a few feet away, expressionless—carefully so. "Lindsey."
I pushed away from the window and moved a few inches closer, expecting him to back away. He didn't, but he did visibly tense at my proximity. "Dane. I…” I halted, swallowing hard. "You have an incredible voice. I had no idea."
He laughed. “You and me both. Came as a shock to me too."
This got a laugh out of me. "So then…how'd you end up in a choir, if you didn't know you could sing?"
A shrug. "Needed an elective credit, and this fit my schedule. Turns out I love choir." He licked his lips, cast his gaze down. "You're here."
"I am."
He shifted his weight restlessly. "For how long?"
I shrugged. "I dunno. I gave up my place in LA, and everything I own is in my car back at your family's bar."
"So...you're staying?" I still couldn't decipher what he was thinking or feeling.
I gulped, hands shaking. "That was the idea."
"Where are you staying?" he asked.
"With Rune in the spare room. Until I find my own place, at least." A long, tense, awkward silence ensued. "Say something, Dane," I whispered.
"Why'd you come?" It came out hoarse.
"I had to get away from LA. There was nothing and no one there for me. Rune's parents are in Europe for the foreseeable future, researching her mom's new book. Rune is here. Raquel is in Seattle." I saw his face shift. "I…I was also hoping there was still…um…another reason for me to be here."
"Lindsey, I…" he looked away. "We have a lot to talk about."
I nodded. "We do. I have a lot to say." I dropped my eyes. "What you said before you left my place."
"Yeah?" It was a ragged whisper.
"Do you…do you still feel that way?" My eyes burned, and tears fell despite my best efforts to stop them, and I couldn't breathe. Couldn't see for the haze of sudden salt burning my eyes.
I felt his hands on my waist. "That doesn't just go away, Linz."
"I hurt you."
"Yeah. But not on purpose. You were hurting." He touched my chin, tipped my head back so I was looking up at him. "Do you still hate me?"
“Yes.” I choked back a laugh. "'But mostly, I hate the way I don't hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.'"
“Really?” he said, laughing. "You're really gonna quote Ten Things I Hate About You at me?"
"Yes, I am."
He was close. Eyes big and dark and deep and liquid, the color of the richest hot chocolate.
"You get my movie quotes," I whispered.
"I love movies. I do it all the time. Drives Dunc nuts."
"You get my sick, twisted, inappropriate humor," I whispered.
"Takes one to know one."
"You see me," I whispered. "Not just my T-and-A."
He chuckled, which didn't feel like exactly the right response.
"I see your T-and-A, and I'm obsessed." He brushed a thumb over my lower lip.
"But yes. I see you. I see your big heart.
I see the sweetness you try to hide. I see how much love you have to give, and I want it for myself.
" He smirked. "I'm a selfish dick like that. "
“You're not selfish, Dane," I said. "Not even a little bit, not even at all."
He extended his hand to me. "Wanna get out of here?"
"And go where?"
"Well, everyone is gathering at our house, apparently, and it seems I'm the guest of honor, so I kinda have to be there."
"Your whole family?" I asked in a whisper.
"You scared?"
I dropped my head, eyes downcast. "Yes, Dane, I am. You and your family have every reason to hate me." This got another laugh, which again felt like the wrong reaction. “Why do you keep laughing at me?"
He cupped my face. "I'm not laughing at you, Lindsey.
" When I arched an eyebrow in sarcastic disbelief, he snorted.
"Okay, sure, fine, but not in a mean sense.
" He kissed my forehead, which did a number of significant things to my metaphorical heart and literal stomach.
"No one hates you. Why would anyone hate you? "
"The way I treated you?"
"Do I seem mad about it?"
"Maybe you're a good actor?"
He snorted again. "Linz. Was I hurt? Yes.
Confused? Also yes. Have I felt moments of anger at you out of that hurt and confusion?
Yeah, I have." My heart twisted again, my stomach lurched again, my eyes went hot and hazy again; Dane bisected my lips with an index finger, silencing me.
"But Lindsey, I always, always understood where you were coming from.
I see the outlines of what you went through, and I know there is absolutely no way I can even begin to fathom how that's affected you your whole life.
How could I? I may not be able to empathize, but I can sympathize. "
"But your family—"
"Understands. No, I haven't shared very much with anyone except Jax, Dunc, and Dad, and only the vaguest outlines, for context.
I don't know enough to tell anyone anything anyway.
They know I was hurt that you couldn't be with me, but it wasn't malicious.
You were doing what you had to do to take care of yourself.
So yeah, it hurt, but…so what? It's not about me. "
"Dane, what? How is it not about you?"
"I have the world's greatest support system.
Legitimately. Who do you have? Rune and Raquel.
And Rune is now my sister-in-law. Whatever happens, I'll get through it.
I'll be okay, somehow, someday, even if that means saying goodbye to you.
" His gaze drilled into mine. "I don't need to know the details to understand that you've been through hell and need understanding and support. "
My heart twinged. "Dane, god." I shook my head, sniffling. "I don't know what to say. If you don't want to know, that's fine, I just—"
"I said I don't need to, not that I don't want to. I want to know everything about you, but only if and when you're ready to share it."
I sighed. "It's not a fun story."
"I can only imagine." He took my hand and led me into a walk. “That's for later. For now, let's get out of here and go hang with my family."
"Yay,” I muttered.
He chuffed a dismissive laugh. "Oh, stop. You're being ridiculous. You have nothing to worry about, I promise. You'll see."
He led the way to his car and drove us to his parents' house, and I could only hope he was right.