Chapter 13 #3
I shook my head. "I don't understand how you can be so understanding when I did everything I could to push you away."
"Because I love you."
Dru moved my hand to rest on Dane's and stood up. "I think that's my cue."
I snagged her arm. "Dru? I…"
She leaned down and kissed my crown; I barely knew the woman, and she was showering me with more love and affection than I've ever known. It was tilting my world on its axis. "I know, sweet girl." She put her lips to my ear. "Love him back, Lindsey. Take a risk. Just jump."
"What if I hurt him again?" I whispered back.
"You will—and he'll hurt you,” she said, in a more normal volume.
“It's life, it's marriage, it's love. What matters is what you do next.
Do you forgive him? Does he forgive you?
Do you approach the problem together? I'm not a big churchgoer kinda gal, but at weddings they always read that one chapter about love.
You know what I'm talking about?" I nodded, and she continued.
"The part I always remember is where it says, 'love keeps no record of wrongs.
'" She squeezed my shoulder. "I've tried really hard in my marriage to not be the wife that drags out old arguments or trots out that stupid thing he said six months ago during a different tiff.
As long as you remember that loving someone is a choice, not an emotion, you'll be fine. You'll make it."
I frowned. "Not an emotion?"
She smiled, nodding. "The feelings come and go. Don’t get me wrong—I’m just as hot for my man now as I was twenty-three years ago when I met him.
But when he pisses me off? I'm not so hot for him.
I still love him, though, because while I may not always be in love with him, as in feeling the whole gamut of squishy, gooey, heart-eyes, I-love-you-baby stuff, I will always choose to love him…
even if that just means not murdering him in his sleep like I sometimes want to.
And trust me, I've lain awake beside him more than once and considered smothering him with his own pillow because he did or said something monumentally idiotic…
and honey, he's a man. He's gonna. So is Dane.
What matters is making the choice to love even when you don't feel the emotion of love. Make sense?"
"I…yeah? I think so." I looked at Dane. "It's just hard to picture what that looks like."
Dane smiled. "Stick around, watch my parents, watch my aunts and uncles.
You'll see it in action. We don't hide our messes.
I've seen every couple in my family get in fights on any number of occasions, mostly in private but occasionally in public.
And I've seen them resolve it with love and forgiveness one hundred percent of the time. "
"All I ever saw was dysfunction, abandonment, abuse, addiction, and selfishness," I said. "Sorta made me cynical about relationships, I'm realizing."
Dru squeezed my shoulder once more. "Honestly, Lindsey, just tuck all that aside for now and focus on what's in front of you. Which is Dane. Figuring out what being together looks like. The rest will come in time."
I nodded. "I think I'd like to be alone now, Dane," I said.
He sighed, smiled, and nodded, rising to his feet. "Of course. Take all the time you need."
Panic hit like a lightning bolt when he started to walk toward the door. "No!" I scrambled to my feet, lurched across the room, and slammed into him. "I meant with you."
"Oh," he mumbled. "Thank god. Leaving you alone right now would have been—"
"Don't leave me alone!” I protested over him. “Please." I clung to him, fists in his shirtfront. "I need you."
Dru laughed. "I think maybe you two should head over to the bar. I'll keep Dunc and Rune here for a while so you two can have some privacy."
I blushed furiously, but Dane only pulled me against his chest and held me; I let him.
Dru left, then, and Dane snagged his duffel bag.
"I don't know how to feel about your mom knowing why we'd need privacy," I said.
He just laughed. "We're all adults, here, babe."
"I know, it's just weird. She's actively encouraging us."
He laughed again. "Stop thinking about my mom for a minute."
“That's a big ask. That was more mothering in…what? Fifteen minutes? Than my mother ever showed me my whole life."
"That’s fucking pathetic."
I just shrugged. "Not everyone is as lucky as you in the parent department, Dane. I hope you know how incredibly fortunate you are."
"I am, but never more so than right now."
A thought occurred to me. "You're not gonna, like, get jealous if your mom ends up loving me more than you, are you?”
A cackle burst out of him at this. "Tell me you don't understand how love works without telling me you don't understand how love works.
" Before I could get offended, he laughed again and kissed my temple as he led me back outside toward the garage.
"Love is infinite. I love Mom, Dad, my sisters, Dunc, my cousins, my aunts, my uncles…
but I never run out. I love Mom in a different way than I love Dad.
So, Mom can love me and everyone else and still love you just as much.
" He snickered. "Besides, I'm her favorite. "
"I was kidding about the loving me more. Sort of."
"I know. But the concern behind it was valid. I'm not insecure, Linz. I know my mother will never stop loving me. Her loving you won't take away from how she loves me. The opposite, if anything. She'll see how you love me and how happy I am with you, and she'll love you all the more."
"I'm not sure that's the opposite of the first part of what you said, but I take your meaning," I said. "I guess I have a lot to learn, huh?"
"Maybe," he said. "But you've got all the time in the world."
We arrived back at Badd's Bar and Grille. I stopped at my car and grabbed the suitcase containing my core wardrobe and a smaller duffel bag that had my toiletries and makeup; Dane insisted on carrying them for me.
I resisted at first. "I'm perfectly capable of carrying my own luggage, Dane," I protested.
“Well, of course you are," he said. "That's not the point."
I frowned. "Then what is?"
"I want to do things for you, Linz. I want to take care of you—not because you need help or taking care of, but because I enjoy doing that stuff for you.”
We were on the sidewalk outside my car, a few doors down from the bar's main entrance.
He took my shoulders and held my gaze. "I want to take your car and fill up the gas tank for you.
I want to change your oil for you. I want to buy you stuff just because.
I want to bring you breakfast in bed. I want to carry your purse for you while you bore me to tears, dragging me around the mall.
I want to rub your feet while we watch TV after a long day of work. "
Fuck my eyes for getting burny and watery again. "Awww, for fuck's sake, Dane." I hissed, tipped my head back, and sniffled. "What do I do for you?"
He gave me a look of incredulity. "What do you do for me?
You love me. What does that look like? Whatever you want it to.
Hugs and kisses. Make love to me. Let me be the little spoon sometimes.
Do things for me. Like what? It doesn't matter.
Domestic shit. Affection. Gifts. Tell me I'm handsome and buff and smart—I'm sure you can find the right lies.
" He grinned and snickered, making that last part an obvious joke.
“It doesn't matter. I don't need you to do anything but be who you are and let me love you.
If you let me love you, you'll find ways to love me back.
" He cupped my face. "That doesn't mean sex or being barefoot in the kitchen making me a sandwich, by the way. "
I cackled. "Good, because a domestic goddess I am not."
He brushed a thumb over my lips. “We're getting ahead of ourselves, baby. We just gotta learn how our relationship is gonna look. We do that together, and we do it by being honest with each other about what we like and don't like, need and don't need, want and don't want."
I bit my lower lip, bunching his shirtfront in my fist. "Right now, I need to be alone with you." I dropped my voice to a whisper and lowered my eyes from his to his mouth. "I've been jonesing for your kisses since I sent you that postcard from Portland."
His sweet smile shifted to a hot grin. "Is that so?" He wrapped a big, hard fist around my hand clutching his shirt. He lifted the hand, kissed each knuckle in turn, one by one, without taking his eyes off mine. "Like that?"
I let out a growl which, embarrassingly, sounded like nothing so much as a tiny kitten trying to be fierce. "Unless you want to get arrested for public indecency, Dane Badd, you'll take me upstairs and kiss me properly."
His hand curled around the back of my neck, which sent shivers down my spine. "To be clear, you're asking me to take you upstairs so I can take you…upstairs?"
"Yes," I breathed. "That's exactly what I'm asking."
"As you wish."