Chapter 36 Badger
THIRTY-SIX
BADGER
Things felt weird being back home with Nellie. She was super supportive with everything, but now that I was back, I felt almost empty. It felt strange to come home and not be bombarded by a large dog with a wiggly butt and sloppy kisses.
Everything felt off. With Dominos under construction, I was forced to do my classes elsewhere. We rented a private gym a few blocks from our original location, which made it easier for members to find us.
I hated feeling out of sync with myself. I worried about Machine’s recovery and how his wounds were healing. Was he listening to the doctors, or was he being a stubborn brute?
I hadn’t baked since I got back to my apartment.
It felt almost foreign to do something that I enjoyed when I wasn’t in a space that I wanted to be in.
How had Machine’s penthouse felt like home when I had only been there for a short amount of time?
Why did I miss the sounds of his snores from across the hall?
Why did I miss the way Lucy would snuggle me on the couch and lick my face when she was excited?
What it came down to was that I missed Machine. Machine felt like home. The thought didn’t scare me as much as it should have.
I knocked on the penthouse door, unsure why I felt so nervous.
Maybe it was the tone in Kade’s voice when he called and asked me to come over, or maybe it was because it was my first time seeing Machine since he was in the hospital.
Kade opened the door with a somber look on his face.
I wasn’t surprised when Lucy came bounding over to me for kisses.
“I’ve never seen her act that excited to see someone other than Machine or me.”
“Lucy is my girl. Aren’t you, princess?” I cooed. “Now I need to find out what your dad has gotten himself into this time.”
I stood up and wiped the fur off my yoga pants while Lucy ran back toward the primary bedroom. My hands clenched at my sides as I walked into the vast penthouse.
“What’s going on? Where’s Machine?” I finally asked Kade.
He looked down at the floor and back up at me.
“He’s… um, in his room,” he mustered. I had never seen Kade flustered before. “He’s not well.”
“What do you mean?”
Kade cleared his throat. “Evan is in one of his post-traumatic episodes. I think the stress of the explosion and everything that happened afterward has finally hit him. I assume he has told you about his past?”
I shook my head no.
Kade cursed in Italian and pursed his lips before continuing. “On his last deployment, his entire team was killed. We also almost lost him, too, but the doctors were able to revive him.”
A small, strangled noise escaped me, and I covered my mouth.
“Once in a while he gets triggered and goes into one of these episodes,” Kade continued. “Usually, I can get him out of it, but…”
“But?” I asked.
Kade stood straighter. “This time he specifically asked for you.”
“Oh,” I said softly. I couldn’t understand why he wanted me, but then again, he always kept me guessing. “Where is he?”
“His bedroom.”
I began to walk that way and felt my heart pound in my chest. As I turned the corner toward the primary suite, I saw Lucy lying on the ground outside Machine’s door with an expression that broke my heart.
Her nub of a tail wagged halfheartedly when she saw me, but she didn’t get up.
I knelt down and petted between her ears.
“He’ll be okay, sweet girl,” I told her.
She let out a whine. I pressed a kiss to her nose before standing up and knocking on the door.
I wasn’t prepared for the sight before me when I opened the door.
Machine sat on the floor, his back leaning against his bedframe.
The mirror that had been above his dresser was missing.
Machine didn’t look up when I entered the room; instead, he continued to stare off into space, holding a chain in his hands.
Prominent circles darkened his eyes, and his beard had started growing in.
I realized that despite the time I spent with Machine, I’d never known what he faced. I wondered how well I really knew him. I had witnessed what going to war had done to my dad. He never talked about his time in the military; instead, he drowned his pain with booze and gambling.
I knelt before Evan and moved my hands to cup his cheeks. His beard felt soft against my skin, but it still felt wrong to see him unshaven. His eyes remained fixed on some point in the distance.
“Evan?” I said, but got no response. It was as if he were in a trance. I frowned and tried again. “Hammer?”
The nickname caught his attention and he looked up startled, meeting my gaze. His dark hazel eyes seemed to pierce into my soul. I gave him a small smile.
“I’m here,” I said.
He gripped my waist and pulled me into a hug. I felt the moment his shoulders finally relaxed as I embraced him back. He buried his head in my chest as I rubbed his back and tried to soothe him. The hug lasted for several minutes before I pulled back and cupped his cheeks once more.
His eyes were glistening. I swiped away a tear that ran down his cheek. Even in his darkest moment, even with his scars, he was still beautiful. He closed his eyes for a moment before meeting my gaze again.
“You’re here,” he croaked.
“You asked for me.”
He placed his hands over mine and squeezed as if he were holding on to me for dear life.
“Are you trying the beard life now?” I teased, trying to lighten the mood.
The side of his lips quirked up. In that moment, I realized why he had wanted me to come. I wouldn’t be overly gentle or scared of him. He seemed to know a lot of things about me that I didn’t even know about myself.
“Felt like trying something new,” he replied.
I gave him a small smile. “It’s, um… nice.”
He chuckled. “You suck at giving compliments.”
My Machine, finally coming back to me. Shit. He wasn’t mine. What was I thinking?
“I know,” I said with a shrug.
I let out a little giggle, and the sound seemed to make his eyes brighten. He stood up abruptly, making me fall back. He grabbed my wrists and hauled me up with him before walking me to the bathroom. I looked at him with confusion. He grabbed some items from a drawer and sat down on the vanity.
“What are you doing?” I asked, looking up at him.
Without a word, he grabbed the items beside him and held them up to me. I let out a laugh as I noticed the razor and shaving cream in his hands.
“I was just teasing you!” I protested, now feeling like a bitch for how I had responded.
“It needs to go,” he said back with finality in his voice. “Plus, it’s itchy.”
He placed the razor down and scratched his cheek.
A smile tugged at my lips despite my efforts to hide it.
I grabbed the items from him and turned on the water.
I squeezed a dollop of shaving cream into my hand before rubbing it over his beard.
Machine sat still as I slowly brought the razor over his skin and washed the hair down the drain.
I blushed, surprised by the intimacy of the mundane action.
I continued until his entire beard was gone and his beautiful, chiseled, hard features were back. I grabbed the hand towel and wiped the remnants of the shaving cream off his face before setting the towel back onto the vanity and placing my hands on my hips.
“Good as new,” I praised while Machine slid down from the counter.
He felt his cheeks before looking in the mirror. He gave me a smirk.
“Not bad, Bunny.”
I rolled my eyes and walked back into his bedroom. Machine grabbed my hips as he walked past me. The touch sent a jolt of electricity down my spine. He sat on the end of his bed and tapped the space next to him. He met my eyes.
“Thank you,” he said.
“For what?” I asked.
“For coming here… for not judging me,” he responded while looking at his lap.
I cupped his cheek, making him turn his face toward me.
“You don’t have to thank me. You needed me, and I came. It’s that simple.” Part of me knew I was spewing bullshit, because this felt anything but simple.
He looked down at his lap once more, not saying anything for a long moment.
“Do you want to tell me about it?” I asked. I found myself holding my breath as I waited for a response, afraid I shouldn’t have asked.
Machine’s hazel eyes bore into mine at the question. “What would you like to know?”
Did I really want to know the horrific details of his past? I wasn’t positive. But this wasn’t about me. He clearly needed to get some of this off his chest.
I placed my hand on his. “I will listen to anything you want to tell me.”
Machine gulped before nodding his head and looking away. I had never seen him so vulnerable, and it did more to me than I wanted to admit.
“Seven years ago, I was in Iraq. My team and I were about to be done with our tour, and this was our last mission.”
My heart sank, knowing where this was leading. He clenched his free hand. The pain was written across every line of his body.
“We were just finishing up the mission when multiple IEDs went off.” He closed his eyes. “I couldn’t get to them in time. They were all killed, and I almost died. Now I’m just littered in all these scars that remind me every day of what I lost.”
I drew in a shaky breath.
“I have more metal in me than should be humanly possible. That’s part of why they call me Machine, along with other reasons.”
“And that’s why you had such a hard time in the hospital, I am assuming?” I asked quietly.
He nodded. “Hospitals bring me back to that time. Back to when I was helpless and found out I was alive while the rest of my team was dead.” He looked up at the ceiling, blinking away tears.
I couldn’t help the tears that were filling my own eyes. This strong man, the second-in-command of the Mafia, had the same emotions I did. He may be called Machine, but that didn’t mean he was void of humanity.
I held his shoulder and pressed my forehead to his temple. “I’m so sorry, Evan.”
He let out a shaky breath as a tear fell down his cheek, and he wrapped his arms around my waist. I held him for a long time, unsure how much time had passed before we moved.
Machine looked at me with glassy eyes and ran his fingers across my cheekbone. “Kade and Lennie are the only ones who know about what happened to me.”
“I promise everything you have told me will stay between us,” I said, understanding the weight of his vulnerability.
He nodded his head in understanding before pressing a soft kiss to my lips. I traced my finger over his scar on his eyebrow, a new gravity accompanying the action now that I understood his story.
“I know it’s ugly,” Machine whispered.
My eyes softened. “No, it’s beautiful.”
Machine let out a self-deprecating laugh as I took his chin in my hand.
“There isn’t one thing about you that isn’t beautiful,” I insisted. “Your scars tell your story, which made you who you are today. You are a warrior. You are beautiful.”
Machine’s breath hitched at my words before he began to kiss me again. Before things could get too heated, he pulled away.
“Thank you. Now I know you probably won’t tell me, but I need to know. I’ve been wondering ever since you interrogated Ricci.” His face hardened. I knew what he was going to ask. “What did those men do to you?”
I took in a breath and said words that I never imagined I would say. If Machine could open up to me and bear his soul, I needed to do the same. I needed to give him something, even if I couldn’t give him everything.
“The night my sister was taken, I was on my way home from work when two of Ricci’s men jumped me and…” I looked down, unable to meet Machine’s gaze. “They raped me. Nellie found me on the ground that night and got me checked out.”
I could tell all the pieces were coming together in Machine’s mind. Why I lived with Nellie, and why I worked at the women’s shelter.
“When I got home, my sister had been taken. Apparently, it was supposed to be me.”
“What do you mean?” Machine asked, his jaw clenching.
“My dad was very much in over his head in debt and owed Ricci and the Mob money. In exchange for paying off his debts…”
“They would take you?” he finished.
I nodded. He let out a curse in Italian. He wrapped his arms around me and placed his face in the crook of my neck, breathing me in. Tears fell from my eyes as we both held on to each other like we were each other’s lifeline. After several minutes had passed, Machine broke away from the hug.
“I take it that’s when you started to train?”
I nodded. “That’s when Badger was born. Well, kinda. That’s where the makings of her were created.”
Machine placed a hand on my thigh. “Most badass chick I’ve ever met.”
I smiled. “And don’t you ever forget it.”
“Never,” he whispered, giving me a tender kiss.