32. Ameriden
Ameriden
“Fuck.”
For a moment, Ameriden wasn’t sure who said it.
When he realized it had been Casi, he finally stopped staring at the spot where Tala had been.
Casimine had sunk back into the stone slab, face buried in his hands.
What should have been a fun romp in the king’s garden had turned into a disaster and all before their performance.
Ameriden sighed, running a hand through his slick hair with little regard to how the strands lay when he dropped his hand.
“I should have told her,” Casimine murmured into his palms. “We should have told her how we really feel.”
His partner wasn’t wrong, but Ameriden suspected that even if they had declared their love in some grand fashion, Tala still would have rejected it.
Ameriden knew he was an asshole and some part of him recognized that aspect in Tala as well.
He wasn’t terribly observant, but that didn’t mean he didn’t pay attention.
Tala had been eager for their bodies, but she was restless when they cuddled.
She would flinch whenever Ameriden would call her lover and refuse Casimine’s sweet words when she’d leave them for the night.
The way Tala had been so quick to push back against their reassurances—it was like she couldn’t accept them.
Ameriden suspected it was deeper than just concern for her job, but that wasn’t here or now.
Outside of the boundaries of sex, they had never really discussed what it all meant.
The idea of it being open ended hadn’t been a concern of Ameriden’s until the emotions had crept in.
It wasn’t just Tala being hot, it was her smart mouth that got Ameriden going.
It was the care she showed for Casimine that rivaled his own.
It was how she fucking smiled when he managed to get her to laugh at his ridiculous antics.
“I don’t think it would have made a difference,” Ameriden admitted a moment later. “I don’t think she wants to hear it.”
Casimine slowly lifted his head and Ameriden felt his heart lurch at the pain he saw. He reached forward, taking his beloved’s hand in his. Wishing desperately that he could make it go away.
“Did we fall into a tragedy, Amer?” Casimine asked. “Did we fall in love with someone who will never love us back?”
That was the question that burned itself into Ameriden’s soul.
He had Casimine—he would have Casimine when the night was over and long after they had left the ivory walls of Eshorion.
But to act as if he wasn’t heartbroken at the thought of Tala not being a part of their world was a lie Ameriden wasn’t sure he could pull off.
But he would try for Casimine’s sake.
“She needs time,” Ameriden reassured. “And her heart’s already been broken by her friend.”
Tala might have thought she was good at keeping secrets, but Ameriden had quickly seen through it.
Or maybe he had just grown accustomed to Tala’s tells.
He had seen the way she would stare out the windows while he and Casimine would work on their music.
Saw how her eyes would grow heavy as she searched the city below.
Not for danger, but for a specific face.
The face of a woman who Tala’s entire world had revolved around for a large portion of her life.
Ameriden didn’t know what he would do if he were to ever be separated from Casimine.
The very idea made Ameriden’s gut drop as he pulled Casimine from his seated position.
The loss would have left him devastated, inconsolable, and completely useless.
Ameriden raised their joint hands, pressing his mouth tenderly to the flesh of Casimine’s hand.
If Tala felt anything about Avie the way he did about Casimine, it was no wonder she was so conflicted.
Tala had denied a physical relationship, but that didn’t mean there hadn’t been a romantic one or even the promise of one.
Whatever it was, Tala wasn’t over it, but Ameriden wasn’t certain what the answer was.
Whether reconciliation would allow Tala to open her heart to them or if it would bring clarity that he and Casimine were just a consolation prize.
The unknown of what came next was a pain Ameriden wanted to throw into the ocean.
“I don’t know if Tala loves Avie the way I love you, but…” Casimine sighed. “If she does, I’ll accept it. Even if it means her heart doesn’t have room for me.”
“As will I,” Ameriden agreed. “And if anything else, we’ll have plenty of material to work with for writing some great breakup ballads.”
Casimine groaned, “I desperately don’t want to think about that.”
“Can’t blame a guy for trying to lightening the mood,” Ameriden retorted, pressing another kiss to Casimine’s hand. “You do know I love you, right? Even after all this?”
“Of course I do,” Casimine whispered. “I love you, too.”
They shared a sweet kiss that was tinged with a quiet sorrow and for a moment, Ameriden just held Casimine.
“She knows about me,” Casimine said against his robes. “About…about my family.”
Ameriden inhaled deeply at that. Given how guarded Casimine was about his family, it was more proof of how deeply he was falling in love with Tala. It had taken years for Casimine to even talk about his mother and sisters around him without falling apart.
“That’s a big step,” Ameriden said.
“I just hope it was the right one.”
Ameriden bit his lip to prevent a confession from barreling through his teeth.
It felt wrong not to tell Casimine—the thing he had kept even from him.
The fear that Casimine knowing would further put him into harms way—well, it all felt too big and somehow incredibly trivial.
He was one part of Cashmere Fantasy, one of the biggest bard performers in the entire realm of Ordia.
Whatever hope for anonymity Ameriden might have entertained in his youth had fucking left the building the moment he decided to go to college with Casimine.
Because you were the only thing that mattered. We were all that mattered, not…
Call it impulsivity or the need to fulfill something he couldn’t with Tala, but Ameriden was suddenly determined to spill his guts.
His hands swept up, cradling Casimine’s jaw with care.
For a moment, he simply stared, lost in how damn beautiful he was.
All the gifts of the Water Mother within the soul of the one person in the world Ameriden knew loved him back.
“What?” Casimine asked, holding onto his wrists with a gentle grip. “What is it?”
“I…” Ameriden licked his lips. “That is…”
Don’t choke, don’t choke now you fucking coward!
“Remember when we met?” he asked.
“How could I forget? You were the reason I was able to eat that week,” Casimine replied.
It wasn’t romantic in the slightest. They had been young, on the verge of growing into their adult frames.
Ameriden had stumbled through an alley and nearly into Casimine’s lap.
Before Casimine could yell, he had pressed his hand over his dry lips and begged for his silence.
For whatever reason, Casimine had yielded to his request, allowing Ameriden’s pursuers to pass by without issue.
In return, Ameriden had thanked him and offered him a loaf of bread.
What should have been a one time encounter kept happening. Ameriden would run and Casimine would happen to be on the other side. The one time Casimine ran, Ameriden was there to sweep him inside his hideout and one thing led to another.
“Do you remember how I was running away from someone?” Ameriden asked.
“You said some guards were after you for stealing some bread,” Casimine affirmed.
“I did and they were… but…”
“But?”
“But that’s not all of it,” Ameriden said. “There’s more… Casi, I—”
“There you are!”
They tore away from each other with a speed that spoke volumes. Ameriden’s heart was pounding, but a relief was quick to follow as he spotted the familiar figure.
“Son of a bitch, Seira,” Ameriden rubbed his face.
“Don’t do that,” Casimine all but whined, a brilliant flush to his cheeks.
Ameriden could only imagine the embarrassment Casimine would have felt if Seira had caught them fucking. Surely, he would have turned completely lilac if she had.
“Oh, excuse me for being concerned about my bards!” Seira grumbled with a dramatic roll of her eyes. “But when I realized what time it was and the fact that you were no where in sight, I found myself rightfully worried.”
“Fair,” Ameriden relented.
Seira glanced around the small enclosure, then frowned, “Wait, where’s your bodyguard?”
A shared glance with Casimine solidified another lie to their manager.
“Wash room,” Ameriden said.
“And let me guess, you two couldn’t wait five minutes before rushing off somewhere to make out?” Seira sighed.
Ameriden almost tripped on his own foot at the question. Seira had been aware of their relationship—even if she didn’t know all the details—but it was the first time she had been that direct about it.
“No,” Casimine ran a finger at the corner of his eye. “No, I…I was overwhelmed by the crowd and I just needed a moment to myself. Ameriden followed.”
It wasn’t a huge stretch, as he had followed Casimine once he realized his partner had disappeared from his field of vision.
Ameriden had excused himself without a bit of concern for his dance partner’s disappoint or curiosity.
All that had mattered was finding Casimine and once he had seen him with Tala?
Well, his dick had sort of taken over—but that didn’t change the fact that Casimine had been tense throughout the evening.
The edge of anxiety pulling at the corners of his smiles as he spoke with strangers.
“Oh, Casimine,” Seira said softly, stepping toward him. She took his hands in hers, a gesture of comfort. “I’m so sorry for not thinking about that. This was supposed to be an intimate dinner, not an entire stage show. I should have prepared you better.”
Seira wasn’t the only one who should have kept that in mind.
Casimine would never accept his apologies for not staying by his side the way he should have.
Mostly because Casimine hated it when he fussed too long, but they had always been so careful about how much they lingered in the other’s company.
Outside of the stage, they had both understood the implications of intimacy that wasn’t meant to be a performance.
That didn’t stop the guilt from tearing Ameriden’s insides.
This is his first public appearance since the incident—since his privacy was violated. I should have kept a better eye on him, I should have paid more attention—
“It’s fine,” Casimine assured. “It was just a moment and it’s over now.”
Casimine’s posture said differently. He looked like he was one strong wind away from falling over.
Beneath his soft smile was an anxiety Ameriden had started noticing shortly after the incident.
Casimine was a skilled bard, a brilliant performer, and that was truly the only reason Seira hadn’t been able to see how damaged he really was.
A fan wouldn’t be able to see it the way Ameriden did.
He was so close that it was impossible for him not to.
The subtle tremor in Casimine’s body whenever there was a knock on the door.
The small delay when newcomers had introduced themselves at the party.
And now things are even more complicated because the other love of his life ran away and he can’t do anything about it. I can’t do anything about it… I can’t help either of them. I couldn’t even tell Casi about who I really am, how the fuck was I going to get Tala to stay with us?
“Are you sure?” Seira asked. “You have twenty minutes before you need to prepare for your performance. I can delay it a bit more. You know I’ve got a reasonable excuse for every occasion!”
“Positive,” Casimine said. “I just need a nice, stiff drink and I’ll be right to perform.”
“Or two,” Ameriden said. “Let’s go.”