Chapter 3 #3
“Change of plans, Moms,” Lily interjected, looking up from her phone.
“Wren has some free time and if I call a car now, I’ll be able to see her for thirty minutes before the Games start, which is great because we didn’t think we were going to be able to.
” Lily spoke quickly as she tucked her phone into the back pocket of her jeans, first hugging Beth, then Sarah.
“Okay, bye! I’ll text you before the opening ceremonies and send you pictures and stuff. ”
And just as quickly as she’d breezed in, Lily breezed out of the lobby, leaving Beth and Sarah standing shoulder to shoulder with bewildered expressions on their faces.
“Well, that’s a first,” Beth said with a small laugh. “We got ditched in favor of the girlfriend.”
Sarah laughed too. “I’m sure it won’t be the last time…” Her voice trailed off as she looked at Beth, unsure what to do next.
“You want to grab breakfast? Just us? There’s a place around the corner that does amazing breakfast tacos.”
Sarah hesitated for a moment as her mind flipped through all the variations and meanings ‘just us’ had held over the years.
The ‘just us’ of their unlikely friendship forged in college, or the just-us-against-the-world mentality they had brought to their marriage until it no longer worked, and ‘just us’ in the half-silent dinners they had shared out of a mix of obligation and a desire to raise their daughter with as much love as possible.
Every version of ‘just us’ they had lived together was so different.
Sarah surmised that this was simply another version to add to the pile.
“Breakfast tacos sound great.” She smiled, following Beth out the door.
“Order number 79!” a man’s voice called fifteen minutes later.
Beth stepped forward, grabbing their food as Sarah pulled napkins from a dispenser before joining Beth at one of the brightly colored picnic tables nearby.
She slid into her seat across from Beth, a little uneasy.
They had already moved through what Sarah deemed their safe topics, and they hadn’t even eaten yet.
She pulled her paper tray towards her with her order, scrambled egg and avocado tacos.
“Still no spicy food for you before noon, I see,” Beth observed as she bit into a spicy chorizo and egg taco.
“Not unless I want to feel like I swallowed the sun all day. I’ll keep to my extremely bland tacos. It’s best for all parties involved.”
Beth grinned, dabbing sauce from the corner of her mouth. “It’s nice to know some things never change.”
Her smile this time, Sarah noticed, was brighter. Seeing it made the tension she had been holding so tightly begin to slowly uncoil as she relaxed into shared space with Beth again.
“So what’s new with you? I feel like every time I see you, you’re either off to an important meeting for the foundation or a cool trip with Nell. Give me all the details so I can live vicariously through you.”
Sarah took a moment to finish chewing before speaking.
“Aside from the trip to Minnesota last week, travel has been a little light, but I anticipate it’ll pick back up in the fall.
Nell and I have some strategizing to do for the rest of the year.
” She felt the words leave her lips, but they didn’t sound like her; instead, they came off robotic.
“Sounds…official,” Beth said, taking another bite.
An awkward silence stretched between them before Sarah broke it.
“I’m also dating again.”
What? No. That wasn’t what she had meant to say. Shit. Fuck.
Beth blinked, a puzzled expression spreading across her face. “So you and Nell broke up then?”
Sarah nodded.
“You okay? With the breakup, that is?” Beth asked, concern for Sarah’s well-being hanging in her question.
“Yup. We decided to end things together.” Sarah really didn’t want to get into details because, yes, she was perfectly okay, and she hoped Beth still knew her well enough to read between the lines.
If Beth had more thoughts about her and Nell breaking up, she chose not to share them.
Instead, she followed up with another question, her genuine curiosity on full display.
“So then, how’s dating going, I guess?”
Sarah breathed a sigh of relief, taking a sip of her water, thankful Beth didn’t press her for more details about her split with Nell. Okay, she could work with this. This didn’t seem to be treading on any ‘unsafe’ territory.
“Honestly? It’s weird as hell. I’ve gone on a few okay dates, but no sparks yet.” Sarah took a bite, thinking for a moment before continuing. “Nell hired a matchmaker for me.”
A wide smile cracked across Beth’s face, which loosened Sarah’s tension even more. “That feels exactly like the kind of thing she would do. What’s that been like? Working with a matchmaker?”
Beth seemed genuinely interested to hear more about it, so Sarah gave her the rundown of her meeting with Janet the week before.
“So now that the matchmaker has everything from me, I just wait for her to call and tell me where to meet my next date,” Sarah finished.
“Wow, what a charmed life you lead, Sarah Gallagher.” Beth laughed warmly as she picked up her remaining taco. Sarah couldn’t help but laugh, too.
“That’s all Nell. I’m still me, but my job comes with different perks now.” Their laughter faded, and Sarah felt the tension begin to pull again at the silence that followed.
Sarah wanted to ask Beth so many things about her life and how she was doing.
Beth wasn’t someone she was used to staying on the surface with.
From their very first meeting, she had metaphorically grabbed Sarah by the hand and pulled her down into the depths of her thoughts without hesitation.
But that wasn’t them anymore. Sarah wasn’t sure if that was a part of whatever dynamic they were leaning on now.
A few minutes passed in silence as Sarah fought the urge to overanalyze every minute of their conversation so far. Her thoughts started to loop: Had she been weird? Too pushy? Too friendly? Not friendly enough?
Beth tucked a strand of hair behind her ear contemplatively. “You told me back in June that I could let you know if I wanted to talk about Jamie with you.”
Sarah watched Beth slide her sunglasses down over her eyes, blocking her ability to see what really lived behind them. “Yeah. Yes. Of course you can. What’s up?” What’s up? What’s up! Really? She chastised herself for not being more eloquent with her words.
“Transparently, things are kind of a clusterfuck,” Beth said in one breath, crinkling her paper napkin and tossing it on the empty tray in front of her.
Sarah’s head snapped up at that, startled more by the openness rather than the admission. She stayed quiet, letting Beth lead.
Beth’s tongue traced along her upper lip as she thought carefully. “Obviously, I miss Jamie so, so much. But…” She trailed off, eyes fixing on a spot on the lime green table top.
It was small, but it was there, that visible hesitation.
Beth was deciding whether she trusted her with this.
Sarah didn’t like the twist in her stomach that followed that realization because Beth’s trust had always been a given.
There was a time in their lives when Beth would crawl into her lap on hard days and fall apart in the safety of her embrace, but those days were so far behind them.
“I’ve been stuck in this place where I don’t know the right way to grieve her anymore.
I loved her, but I don’t know what we would have become if we had more time.
Would we have broken up? Would we have gotten married?
I have no clue. I honestly could have seen it going either way.
And then comes the guilt because it doesn’t feel fair to think like that when she’s not here to prove me wrong.
I’m stuck in this space between mourning and guilt, and to be honest, it’s starting to wear on me,” Beth finished, her chest heaving, fingers curled tightly around the water bottle in her hand.
“Fuck. Sorry, Sar, I didn’t mean to unload on you like that,” she muttered, taking a swig from her water bottle.
“I haven’t been able to say that to anyone, but it feels good to get it out there.
Please don’t think I’m a bad person. I really do miss Jamie, but also, like, what the fuck, you know? ”
Sarah was still hung up on the three-letter variation of her name that only Beth had ever called her. It had been a few years since she’d heard her say it.
Her first instinct was to offer up a solution.
Something to solve Beth’s problem instantly, but all she could think was, I have no idea how to help her.
I’m the last person who should be offering any kind of advice here.
She reached her hand across the table, resting it in the space between them.
Not quite touching Beth, but close enough that if Beth wanted to reach out, she could.
“I don’t know what the right answer is, but I do know that we all have thoughts we’re not proud of. But as far as those go, I think they’re pretty harmless and incredibly understandable.”
Beth looked up at her; Sarah caught her own gaze in the reflection of Beth’s sunglasses. Beth didn’t smile, only nodded.
Sarah didn’t know what it meant, what any of this meant, but she did know that Beth had trusted her with this, and maybe that was the stepping stone they needed to begin to build the foundation of a new kind of friendship between them.
She removed her hand from the table, pulling her own sunglasses down over her eyes, and stood to deposit their trash in a nearby bin.
“I still can’t believe you let Nell hire a matchmaker,” Beth said, amusement lacing her words.
Sarah grinned. “Let is a bit of a stretch. It’s Nell. She kind of just does what she wants. You get used to it. At least I’ll have some good stories to tell you.”
Beth turned her gaze slightly to look at her as they walked back toward the hotel. “I’d like that. To hear them, I mean. I forgot how easy it is to talk to you.”
Sarah kept her eyes on the sidewalk ahead of them, but that didn’t stop the smile that slowly spread across her face. She wanted to say, me too, but instead she kept walking beside Beth, matching her stride for stride.