Chapter 11 #2
She swallowed uncomfortably, shifting slightly as she listened to Nell and Sarah’s verbal sparring session which was punctuated only by Liv’s snarky remarks, leaving all three women laughing.
Excusing herself, Beth wandered to the living room where the girls and Nate had moved on from watching the parade to playing video games. As she approached, she recognized what looked to be a battle round of Mario Kart. She leaned over the couch, kissing the top of Lily’s hair.
She stood watching the game unfold as it accelerated to an explosive final round between Nate and Wren.
“You guys play the next round without me,” Lily said, getting to her feet and coming to stand next to Beth. “Can I talk to you?” she asked quietly, leading her down the hall to Sarah’s study.
“Everything okay, love?” Beth asked tentatively.
Lily perched herself on the edge of Sarah’s impressive mahogany desk—it must be new, because Beth didn’t recognize it from the last time she had been in this room. Beth took a seat in one of the chairs opposite it.
“Yeah, I just wanted to feelings-check. Today is kind of a weird day, right? It still feels strange to have Thanksgiving without Jamie.”
Beth’s heart surged at Lily’s mention of a feelings-check—a term she and Sarah had coined while raising Lily to navigate the nuances of teaching emotional regulation in a safe environment.
“It definitely is a weird one,” she agreed.
A silence followed. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but it did speak volumes about the space Jamie still occupied in each of their lives.
“I miss her,” Lily said simply, her shoulders slumping forward.
Something painful tugged at Beth’s chest, at the admission Lily had made, at the guilt Beth still felt every day for introducing this layer of hurt and healing into their lives. “I know, love.” She reached out, placing a hand on Lily’s leg, rubbing gently.
“Do you miss her?” Lily looked at her intently.
Beth’s hand stilled as her mind spun through all the iterations of how she could answer this question.
Not knowing which was the correct one, ultimately deciding on the truth.
“I’m sad she’s not here to celebrate with us.
She loved Thanksgiving and I know how much she loved getting to spend it with you. ”
Lily studied her closely in the same way Sarah tended to do when she was trying to make sense of something complicated. “But you don’t miss her, do you?” she asked softly, hanging her head.
Silence filled the space between them for a moment before Beth responded as gently as possible. “No, I don’t. Not in the same way you do, love. You and Jamie had a very special bond and—”
Lily shirked out of her touch abruptly, sliding off the desk. Moving towards the door, she said, “It’s okay, just forget I said anything. It’s stupid.”
“Lily, no, let’s talk.” But it was no use, Lily had already slipped down the hall, leaving the door to the study slightly ajar.
Beth groaned, leaning back in the chair, closing her eyes. She shouldn’t have come today. She should have stayed home, but this was progress, right? This was what moving forward was all about, right? Showing up, even when it’s uncomfortable?
For half an hour, she stayed like that. Slumped in the chair, enjoying the quiet as she tried to center herself enough to rejoin the holiday celebrations. Okay. On the count of three, she told herself. One. Two. Three. She rose to her feet and moved towards the slightly open door.
But hushed voices on the other side made her pause as they drew closer, and she quickly identified Sarah and Nell.
“I told you, Nell, not this weekend.” Sarah’s voice was low, stern, dripping with authority in a way Beth hadn’t really heard from her before.
“Opportunity waits for no one, Sarah. I had no control over when Renee planned on calling you with the job offer. How long did she give you to decide?”
A pause before Sarah responded. “We left it open. I told Renee I don’t work on holidays and I would call her back on Monday to negotiate further.”
They were on the other side of the door. Beth was still standing in the center of the room, not wanting to get caught eavesdropping.
Sarah pushed the door open. “It’s Washington, D.C., Nell. My life is here, that’s—oh, Beth. Hi.” She stopped talking as their eyes met, confusion at finding her in an unexpected place.
“I’m sorry,” Beth said apologetically, the words tumbling out of her mouth quickly, moving to side step Sarah and Nell.
“You’re good,” Sarah said quickly, trying to cover her surprise.
“I just needed a little bit of quiet and ducked in here. Let me—” Beth explained, scooting past Nell, slipping out the door, and hurrying back down the hall.
Maybe it was time to take Liv up on that glass of wine after all.
CHRISTMAS
Beth gasped at the sensation of her consciousness being jolted from her otherwise peaceful sleep. “What the—”
“Wake up, Mama. We brought Christmas to you,” Lily said excitedly, bouncing next to her, shaking the mattress.
Beth’s mind worked overtime to orient where it was in time and space as she blinked again. Christmas, right?
“Let’s go, festivities start in ten minutes.” Lily pushed off the bed before disappearing.
Beth sat up, rubbing her eyes. She was still adjusting to the feeling of being awake when she noticed a figure in the doorway, “Shit, Sarah,” she said, her breath catching in her chest, her surprise quickly dissolving into excitement.
“What are you two doing here?” She squinted, looking closer at Sarah.
“And why are you wearing reindeer antlers?”
Sarah grinned. “Spreading holiday cheer. I thought that was obvious. Was waking up like that not part of your ideal holiday plans?” Her tone was easy-going, matching the way she casually leaned against the doorframe of Beth’s bedroom.
“No, can’t say that it was,” Beth replied absently, momentarily distracted by how Sarah seemed to own the space around her so easily, so confidently, so powerfully.
She let her eyes trail up the length of her long legs—the fitted, high-end athletic pants she was wearing accentuating exactly how toned she was.
“Why are you guys here?” she asked, still not fully comprehending.
“I’m supposed to go to Pat and Sean’s for brunch. ”
“Change of plans. I talked to Sean earlier, and we’re all going to go over in the afternoon. Lily and I—we wanted to spend Christmas morning as a family…and we couldn’t really do that without you.”
Beth sat there in her bed, the duvet still warm from sleep, quietly stunned.
She hadn’t been expecting any of this. She and Lily had done their Christmas Eve celebration last night—an overly competitive gingerbread house decorating competition and swapping a few small gifts—but then Lily had left for Sarah’s, and Beth went to bed.
“Sorry, got deep there for a minute,” Sarah said quickly, trying to gloss over her admission, a faint blush creeping up her cheeks. “Did I mention we brought presents and French toast casserole?”
Beth wanted to acknowledge Sarah’s desire to spend Christmas as a family, but what exactly did that mean to her?
Reading Sarah had always come so easily to her, or at least she’d thought it had.
Beth couldn’t help but wonder if somewhere along the way, over the years of silent conversations and reading between the lines, she had inadvertently stopped actually hearing Sarah.
But that conversation felt too heavy for Christmas. “Well, why didn’t you lead with that?” She pushed the duvet aside then pulled it back, remembering that she had opted to sleep in her underwear and a T-shirt last night. “Can you, uh—” She gestured towards the door.
Sarah’s grin turned mischievous, causing the heat to rise slightly in Beth’s cheeks. “Nothing I haven’t seen before.” She winked, backing out of the doorway to head back downstairs.
Beth’s heart raced, her mind spinning vicious circles because that had definitely been flirting. But was it actually? Or did Beth just want Sarah to be flirting with her? Attention from Sarah in any form had always given her a rush.
By the time she descended the stairs, a fire was already going in the vintage triangular fireplace set into the sunken living room. Lily placed the last gift precariously on top of a pile next to the tree while Sarah was in the kitchen, dishing out portions of French toast casserole.
“What is all of this?” Beth looked to the pile of gifts, to Lily, then to Sarah.
“Don’t look at me.” Sarah shrugged, grabbing two plates, bringing them to her and Lily. “Ninety percent of this is her doing.” She nodded in Lily’s direction.
Lily took her plate from Sarah and set it down on the coffee table. “Okay, you two sit. I’m playing Santa this year.”
Beth sank into the couch, tucking her legs up under herself as she took a bite of the casserole, the cinnamon and sticky syrup delighting her taste buds. A moment later, the cushion to her left sank under Sarah’s weight as she settled down next to her.
Lily handed them identical wrapped packages. Beth set her plate aside, slowly peeling back the wrapping paper, opening the box to reveal a pair of pajamas patterned with little neon cats wearing Santa hats. In Sarah’s hands, a matching set.
“We missed the whole matching PJs thing last year,” Lily said, a painful reminder of how disconnected from everything Beth had still felt this time last year when Sarah had taken Lily and Wren to Disney for Christmas with Nell and Nate.
Beth had tried to spend the holiday alone and sulking, but Pat and Sean refused, making sure she was taken care of.
“So I took it upon myself to make sure we didn’t miss this year!
I have my set downstairs. We should all change into them. ”
When they returned to the living room, matching pajamas and all, Beth couldn’t hold back the laugh at how absurd they all looked in the chaotic pattern Lily had picked out. “This has got to be my favorite set yet, love.” She pulled Lily into a hug, kissing her forehead.