Chapter 15 #3
They took their time in the shower, held up only by their inability to go for more than a few minutes between drawn-out kisses and wandering hands, refamiliarizing themselves with each other’s bodies.
They laughed together when the water ran cold, reminding them of how much time had passed.
Beth stepped out first, handing Sarah a fluffy bright yellow towel.
Sarah’s smile pulled at her mouth. “Yellow is a color choice. Did I miss a memo? I thought you were strictly white towels only.” She raised a brow, wrapping the towel around herself as she tried to recall a time in their life where Beth had had anything other than white towels.
Beth shrugged, wiping fog from the patch of the mirror in front of her. “I got them after Jamie died. I needed something bright in my life,” she said simply as she applied toothpaste to her toothbrush.
Shit. Sarah’s heart sank, guilt washing over her. She obviously hadn’t known, or else she wouldn’t have said anything. “Oh—I’m sorry, I—”
Beth cut her off, placing a hand on her chest. “No need to be sorry,” she said before returning to brushing her teeth.
Sarah replayed Beth’s words, analyzing them, trying to find any hidden meaning to something Beth wasn’t saying, and—no. She caught herself, stopping the old thought pattern in its tracks. They were different now. She could trust that Beth meant the things she was saying.
Beth grinned at her in the mirror as she brushed her teeth, winking before adorably scrunching her nose.
God, she’s cute. Sarah smiled as she opened the medicine cabinet and, sure enough, there was the face lotion Beth had used for the better part of a decade.
Sarah delicately applied some to her cheeks, bumping her hip against Beth’s in a quiet dance they had mastered years ago.
“I missed this.” Beth’s voice was soft as she handed Sarah the base of her electric toothbrush and a new toothbrush head.
“I wasn’t sure if all of this would feel strange—you know, after everything.
I really wasn’t sure what to expect—you and I, we’ve done this so many times—and Jamie—” She leaned thoughtfully against the vanity as she drifted her way through her thoughts, freckled arms hanging loosely at her sides.
A knot pulled in Sarah’s stomach as her heart began to race, her mind flying through all of their interactions, trying to figure out which one had gone wrong and how she could get ahead of it—stop. You don’t have to do that. Listen to what she’s saying, the small voice in her head reminded her.
“I’m sorry.” Beth smiled weakly, shaking her head. “I don’t think I’m articulating myself well.”
Sarah’s voice was warm as she reached out, sliding her hand into Beth’s. “Whatever you have to say is important to me. It’s okay if you’re a little clumsy getting there.” She squeezed Beth’s hand in what she hoped was a reassuring way, giving her the space to continue.
Beth took a moment to gather her thoughts before speaking.
“I was scared when I started having feelings for you again in the fall. Scared of what it all meant. Guilty for what I put our family through. I mean, what was the point if we were just going to end up back here?” She sighed, dropping her shoulders, casting her eyes down.
Sarah chewed on the inside of her cheek, listening intently to Beth, sitting with the uncomfortable feeling of not knowing where Beth’s mind was going and not having a plan already in place for how she should respond.
But even as Sarah listened, she wasn’t quite sure she was following.
She understood the fear—that was easy. She had been afraid, too, when the familiar feelings had resurfaced.
It was the guilt that she was having a harder time understanding.
“Guilty?” Sarah asked, seeking clarification as she ran her thumb in soothing arcs across the back of Beth’s hand.
Beth sucked in a deep breath, holding it for a moment, exhaling through puffed-out cheeks.
“Yeah,” she said, a sadness attaching itself to her words.
“Did I put all of this in motion when I asked you for a divorce? If I had never done that, I would have never met Jamie. And if I had never met Jamie, our family would have never had to go through the grief of losing her. What was the point of all of this unnecessary trauma if you and I ended up back together?”
Sarah wanted to wrap Beth in her arms, pull her close, and tell her everything would be okay.
She wanted to jump into the role of fixer and, one by one, go down the list of Beth’s perceived misdoings, providing the rationale and justification to turn each one into a moot point.
But she held herself back. This wasn’t about fixing. It was about listening.
“That sounds like an awful lot of ifs,” Sarah said, carefully choosing her words to still leave space for Beth and the things she needed to feel. “But the tricky thing about living in the land of ifs is that you tend to lose sight of the facts.”
Beth smiled, tilting her head, looking up at her. “You’ve always loved your facts,” she said.
“They’ve never failed me. So let’s look at them together.
” Sarah skimmed the tips of her fingers up and down the length of Beth’s arms as she thought.
“Fact: The divorce was both of our faults. We weren’t happy; you just accepted it while I was still fighting it.
You stopped us from hurting each other beyond repair by asking for the divorce, and we have the family we do today because of you, a fact that I’m incredibly grateful for. ” She squeezed her arms gently.
Beth looked at her with assessing eyes. “You really mean that?” she whispered.
“I don’t say things I don’t mean,” Sarah answered with a playful grin. “Shall we continue? I have more facts.”
Beth let out a giggle, the sound of it reassuring. Humor had always been Sarah’s favorite tool for lightening a mood when things started to edge on the side of feeling too heavy, too serious.
“Fact: You loved Jamie, and she loved you.” Sarah let her words hang in the air between them, her hand resting on either side of Beth on the counter’s cool edge.
“That doesn’t make it any less important because you’re standing here with me today.
It’s still a part of you and a part of our family, and it still matters.
” She bent slightly, leaning to place a quick kiss on the tip of Beth’s nose.
“And another fact: Not everything that happens in life has a point or logical reasoning that makes sense. But if you want my perspective on ‘what was the point of all of this,’ I think it was growth.”
Beth sighed, leaning her forehead against Sarah’s shoulder as she muttered, “I dragged us all in one giant circle all the way back to where we started.”
Sarah pulled her closer, one arm circling Beth’s waist, the other making soothing motions with her fingertips across her shoulder blades.
“No, you didn’t. At least not in a circle.
More like a long, but necessary, walk. We walked some of it together and some of it apart, but we’ve always found each other along the way, and we’re completely different people than we were at the start of all of this. ”
Beth pulled back, blue eyes shining up at her.
“We’re definitely different. Look at us crushing this whole communication thing.
” She smiled, pushing up on her tiptoes to press her lips to Sarah’s.
“Thank you for listening and talking through this with me,” she whispered against Sarah’s lips, kissing her again.
Sarah closed her eyes, feeling the discomfort of the unknown leaving her body. See, that wasn’t so hard, she chastised herself. She had done it. She had listened, and most importantly, she had made Beth feel heard.
Somewhere beneath them in the house, the front door opened and slammed shut, causing both of them to jump. Beth quickly reached for her phone.
“Shit, it’s Lily. I have two missed calls from her,” Beth said, panic in her voice, already moving for the bathroom door as Lily’s muffled words came from the lower level.
“Mama? Did you get my text?”
Lily’s voice was getting closer as Beth quickly snapped the bathroom door shut behind her. Sarah’s heart was racing as she quietly moved closer to the door, listening carefully.
“Mama?” Lily’s voice was clearer now, and Sarah assumed she had just entered the bedroom.
“Lily, love, what are you doing here?”
The strain in Beth’s tone was audible, and Sarah couldn’t help but bury her head in her hands. Beth had never been good at lying, especially under pressure.
“Did you see my text? Dylan and I decided to do a yoga class at the lavender farm…” Her voice trailed off, and Sarah held her breath as she pressed her hands to the door, listening.
“I missed your text, love. I was in the shower,” Beth explained, her voice far too high and airy for the situation.
Another pause before Lily spoke again. “You’re being really weird right now.”
“No, I’m not.”
Sarah grimaced at Beth’s quick response, which did nothing for her argument.
“What’s going on?” Lily asked skeptically. Another pause. “Oh my god. Oh my god!” Embarrassment laced Lily’s words as she asked, “Do you have—is someone over here—you know, like, with you?”
Sarah pressed her hand to her mouth, holding back her laughter as she clearly imagined the look of shock that was likely painted across Lily’s face at the moment, made only funnier by the thought of how red Beth must be right now.
“Yes, Lily. I have someone over. Is that so hard to believe? You weren’t supposed to be here at all today. You were supposed to be at Dylan’s all weekend before going to your mom’s,” Beth said, surprisingly calmly for her, given the unexpected nature of this conversation.
“So no to yoga then?” There was a cockiness to Lily’s question that Sarah recognized because they shared it.
“No yoga today.”
Another pause before Lily’s voice came out, quieter this time. “I’m really happy for you, Mama,” preceded the sound of her footsteps retreating down the stairs.
A moment later, the sound of the front door opening and closing was followed by a car engine coming to life in the driveway.
The door to the bathroom opened, and Beth slid back into the room.
“Do you notice she’s really been testing that not being where she says she’s going to be boundary a lot more these days?” Sarah asked, biting back her smile at the look of panic mixed with horror still present on Beth’s face.
“Her timing has always been impeccable.” Beth grinned. “How do you think she’s going to take the news when I tell her that you’re the someone who was hiding in the bathroom?”
“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there. But for now, I think we’ve earned the right to hang out in our bliss bubble a bit longer. What do you think?”
“Bliss bubble sounds pretty good right now,” Beth agreed.