Chapter 32 Lily
“I’m trying to be supportive,” Porsche says, leaning closer to the camera, “but I need you to understand that going to the Bahamas with an NBA player and glowing in every picture is suspicious behavior.”
Charisse laughs, and I roll my eyes, but I can’t even pretend to be annoyed. I’ve been waiting all day to talk to them, and now that their faces are on my screen, I feel lighter already.
“I wasn’t glowing.”
“You were absolutely glowing,” Charisse says.
“I took a week off. That’s all.”
Porsche makes a face. “Girl, please. A week off does not have your skin looking moisturized from the inside. And most of those pictures weren’t from the last day.”
I cover my face and laugh. “Y’all are so annoying.”
“And yet you called us,” Porsche says.
“I missed y’all.”
Charisse smiles. “We missed you too. Now tell us everything.”
I lean back against my headboard and pull one of my pillows into my lap. “It was good.”
Porsche blinks. “That’s it?”
“It was really good.” I fill them in on all the details because that’s just how we do it.
“Oh, she’s down bad,” Porsche says. “She’s in love. We’ve lost her.”
“We already knew that,” Charisse says. “She told him again, didn’t she?”
I press my lips together.
Porsche gasps. “You did?”
“It came out.”
“It came out?” Porsche repeats. “You make love sound like a sneeze.”
“I didn’t plan it. We were on this hunting ranch trip, and he couldn’t shoot the deer, and he called it Bambi, and he looked so distressed about hurting this innocent animal that was just eating lunch. It was sweet.”
Porsche stares at me. “You fell in love because he couldn’t kill dinner?”
“I was already in love,” I say, pointing at the screen. “That just confirmed it.”
Charisse’s face softens. “That sounds like him, though. The soft version you used to tell us about.”
I nod, and some of the humor drains from my chest, but not in a bad way.
“Yeah. That’s what got me. He’s still that man. The one I had when it was just us. But now he’s also got my back when other people are around. He’s listening. He’s asking questions. He’s not making me feel like I have to shrink to fit into his life.”
Porsche is quiet for a second, which is rare enough for both Charisse and me to look at her.
“What?” I ask.
She shrugs. “I’m happy for you.”
I raise my eyebrows. “Are you?”
“Don’t do that. I can be skeptical and happy. I contain multitudes.”
Charisse laughs. “She’s Walt Whitman in a Black woman’s body.”
“You’re still a teacher nerd,” Porsche teases.
“You quoted the man,” Charisse tells her.
“Are you two okay?”
They both focus back on me.
“I wanted him to get it right,” Porsche says. “I just didn’t want you to suffer while he figured it out.”
“I know.”
“And if he messes up again, I’m calling Drummond.”
“I know that too.”
“But for now,” she says, lifting her chin, “I approve.”
I put my hand over my heart. “Wow. That means so much.”
“It should.”
Charisse tilts her head at me. “Okay, so if everything went that well, why do you look tired?”
Porsche squints. “Yeah. Wait a minute. You had sex with a young-ass man, and you’re looking kinda haggardly.”
Charisse looks horrified. “Porsche!”
“What? Something is off. You should be somewhere giggling into a smoothie, not looking like somebody made you read policy updates for fun.”
I stare at her.
Her mouth falls open. “Oh no. They did make you read policy updates.”
“Not exactly.” I look down at my comforter and pick at a loose thread. “The promotion is real now. I started shadowing Jacquetta today.”
Charisse’s smile fades a little. “How was it?”
“Awful.” I let out a breath and sit up straighter. “And I know that sounds ungrateful because it’s more money, and it’s a better title, and everybody keeps acting like I should be excited. But it’s awful.”
“What does the job actually look like?” Charisse asks.
“More escalations. More formal complaints. More meetings with department heads who all think their crisis is the only crisis. More documentation. More coaching supervisors who don’t want to be coached.
More employees crying in conference rooms. And Jacquetta wants me to start staying later twice a week so I can sit in on after-hours mediation prep because apparently that’s when leadership is available. ”
Porsche’s face twists. “Absolutely not.”
“And that’s not even all of it,” I say, finally letting myself say the part that’s been sitting on my chest all day.
“It’s going to cut into Lit with Lily. I already had to move two events next month because of these training blocks.
If I’m managing escalations, I can’t just leave at five and go set up tables and teach people how to paint sunsets.
I’ll have less time to create, less time to plan, and I already feel like I’m running out of room in my own life. ”
Charisse leans closer to the camera. “And Lit with Lily makes you feel alive.”
I nod. “Yeah.”
Porsche points at the screen. “Then why are we doing this?”
I blink. “Because it’s a promotion.”
“So?”
“So people don’t just turn down promotions.”
“People turn down things they don’t want all the time.”
I frown. “In theory.”
“In practice too,” she says. “If somebody offered me a promotion to do more of something I hated, I would tell them to promote somebody else into misery.”
Charisse gives Porsche a look, then turns back to me. “Do you want to stay in HR?”
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out right away.
That should probably tell me something.
“I’m good at it,” I say eventually.
“Cool, cool. But do you want to stay in HR? I’m good at cooking, but I love our chef.” Charisse raises her eyebrows.
Porsche nods. “You’re good at a lot of stuff. You could probably be good at crime if you focused.”
“Porsche.”
“I’m just saying. Being good at something doesn’t mean it deserves your whole life.”
Damn, I hate how much I feel that.
I pull the pillow closer to my chest. “I don’t know what I want. I mean, I know I want Lit with Lily to grow. I know I want more time to paint and teach classes and create things. But I don’t know if I’m ready to walk away from stability. Benefits. A steady paycheck. Being a responsible adult.”
Charisse nods. “That makes sense.”
“I’m not saying quit tomorrow,” Porsche adds. “I’m saying maybe stop acting like this promotion is a gift just because somebody wrapped and thrust it into your hands.”
I look between them on the screen.
Charisse’s voice softens. “Maybe you don’t have to decide everything right now. But you can start thinking about what a pivot would look like.”
“A pivot,” I repeat.
“Not a dramatic leap,” she says. “Just a plan.”
Porsche points at her. “You do need a plan with numbers and a timeline. Figure out what you’d need to make Lit with Lily your main thing. How many events. How much profit. What kind of help you need.”
Help?
“I don’t even know what kind of help I need,” I admit.
“Then start there,” Charisse says. “Write down everything that drains you.”
Porsche nods. “And everything that would make it easier.”
I look over at my desk, where my work laptop is still closed. My Lit with Lily notebook sits beside it, full of ideas I keep squeezing into the margins of my life.
“I can do that,” I say.
“Good,” Porsche says. “And for the record, I’m still happy about Javonte. I just want you to be happy about you too.”
My throat tightens a little, and I look away before either of them notices.
“I love y’all.”
“We love you too,” Charisse says.
“Obviously,” Porsche adds.
I laugh, and we hang up a few minutes later.
For a while, I sit in the quiet with my phone in my lap, thinking about what Charisse said about a pivot.
Maybe that’s all this is. Not quitting tomorrow or blowing up my life, just letting myself ask the question I’ve been avoiding because I’m scared of the answer.
I reach for my notebook and open to a blank page.
At the top, I write:
What would help?
Then I sit there with my pen hovering, realizing I already know more than I thought.