Chapter 2 #2
“Odd? My son isn’t odd. Your son isn’t odd!” I reach forward and snatch my baby back out of his arms.
Pashov looks surprised at my reaction. “I only meant—”
I hug Pacy close. He wails and tries to push away from me, wanting to go back to his father. I don’t blame him. I’m overreacting. Being a jerk. It’s just that everything Pashov says feels like a dagger right to the freaking heart. “I know. I’m sorry. This is all very hard for me.”
He nods slowly. “I will not bother you anymore. I am sorry.”
I close my eyes and turn my back to him.
Did he think he was bothering me? I’m going to fall asleep tonight dreaming of that smile when he held his son.
I want to tell him that he’s not bugging me, that I want him to stick around so we can talk and maybe get to comfortable ground somewhere in the middle.
But the knot in my throat sticks, and it takes me a long moment before I can compose myself enough to speak.
But when I open my eyes and turn around, Pashov is gone. He’s walked away with the others, the sled tugged along behind him. He doesn’t want to hang around me, then, but he also won’t forget his duty. I ache at the sight and wish I’d said something. That I want him to stay.
Perhaps when we stop for a rest tonight, I’ll talk to him. I’ll have all day to think of something to say that won’t trigger defensiveness on either side. I just have to figure out what.
“Come on, let’s get you bundled up and into your papoose,” I tell Pacy, pressing kisses to his tiny brow. This one, at least, I can shower with love.
PASHOV
I grip the small sled I have taken from Stay-see and try to find a measure of calm.
Up ahead, Vektal is waving us forward. The journey begins, and those with the heaviest sleds take up the lead.
They will set the pace, and we will all stay together.
Some of the unmated hunters move toward the back of our group, waiting to help out when necessary, and to protect us as we leave a trail wide enough for a blind metlak to follow.
And even though I am trying to calm my mind, I watch Stay-see.
She moves forward, adjusting her hood. Her kit is on her back, strapped into the strange carrier.
He is sleeping, his face little more than a blue circle surrounded by plush white dvisti fur.
I watch her move, her steps strong and steady as she plunges ahead.
She follows the rutted trail left behind by Vektal’s sled at the forefront.
She is moving fast now, but most of the other females are riding on the sleds of their mates.
Leezh walks alongside her mate, but he carries their kit and hauls the sled behind him.
Jo-see chatters happily to her mate from her seat behind him, on their sled, and my brother Zennek is taking one last moment to tuck an extra fur blanket around his mate.
The females are tended to and cared for.
Of course they are. The walk will be a long one, and she will tire soon enough.
I feel another pang of guilt. Why did I not create a sled big enough to pull her along? Is it because she bites at me with her words and cries when I try to talk to her? Even so, I should have thought of this. I should have realized she would have no one to look out for her…except me.
When we stop, I will make a new sled, a bigger one, and I will let her ride for the rest of the way.
She should not be forced to walk. I am strangely protective of her, even though she will likely get angry at me.
I figure she will be angry at me either way.
I might as well keep her rested. It will be a long journey, and longer still if she is exhausted.
My sister trots up beside me, a frown on her face. “Why are you back here?”
“Eh?” I watch the little creature bouncing around at her feet.
I have no memories of it, either, though I am told that Salukh’s mate tamed the dvisti kit and gave it to Farli.
My sister spends more time with the animal than most of the tribe, and I find it strange to invite food to dwell in our encampment.
But lately I suppose I have found a great many things strange, with the large gaps in my memory.
“You are back here,” Farli emphasizes. She nods in Stay-see’s direction. “Should you not be there with her? Keeping her company?”
“I doubt she would like that,” I tell her. I nod at the small pack on her shoulders. “Do you want me to take that?”
She shrugs and immediately dumps it on my sled with a grin. “If you are offering, I will take it. But you should still go to Stay-see’s side.”
Her pet bleats at me.
I grow irritated that everyone has opinions on what I should be doing with Stay-see. “You think I have not offered?”
“Oh, I think you offered.” The look she gives me is far too clever. “But I do not think you are trying very hard to make her happy.”
I bare my fangs at my sister, and she bounds away a step, laughing. “You do not know what you speak of.”
“I bet I do.”
My sister is full of spice this morning, and instead of being amusing, it is irritating. “Is that so?”
She shrugs her shoulders. “I am just saying…I remember how often you and Zennek and Salukh used to speak of mates. How jealous you were when Hemalo and Asha mated, and then Maylak and Kashrem. You wanted nothing more than to have a mate of your own.” She raises a hand, gesturing ahead to where Stay-see plods behind Shorshie and Vektal.
“There she is. Your mate. And ever since you woke up, you have stayed away.”
“She has stayed away from me!”
“And your feet do not work?”
I growl low in my throat, growing angry. “I have been unwell—”
“Not so unwell you were not the first to volunteer to go with Vektal,” she points out. “And you seem to be fine now, except for your memory.”
“Stay-see does not wish me near.”
“Of course she does. She is emotional. All of the humans are. Plus, she nearly lost you. And she has a small kit to think about. There has been much for her to worry over, and yet I see her alone constantly.”
My sister’s words shame me. Does she not understand that both Stay-see and I do not know how to go forward? “I do not know how to speak to her. I do not remember how we were, as mates. I look at her, and I remember nothing.” It makes my chest ache just to think about it. “She is disappointed.”
“She would be far more disappointed if you were dead,” Farli says sharply. She bats at my arm. “Go talk to her.”
I tried earlier and she grew upset. “She does not want to speak.”
“You are not trying.”
Have I not? “It is a…strange situation.”
“And you make it worse! You do not talk to her!”
“I am trying.”
“Try harder.”
Why is my young sister lecturing me on my relationship? What does she know of these things? “Leave it be, Farli.”
She throws up her hands in a gesture that makes her seem very human, and storms away, the dvisti dancing at her heels.
My sister. I snort to myself. What does she know of mates anyhow? She is yet too young to even think of such things.
Everyone travels with speed and determination early in the day.
By midday, when we stop for a break and a meal, several groups are straggling behind.
Some of the heavier sleds are re-packed and their goods redistributed amongst others, and the sled I am carrying nearly doubles in size because Kemli and Borran are growing tired and I do not wish them to struggle.
By the time everyone begins to walk again, the enthusiasm is gone.
Now, everyone is just tired. Now, the true hardship begins.
I hear a human female crying, complaining about exhaustion.
Her mate soothes her, and her tears are quickly silenced.
No fire is made, so meat is eaten raw. Some cry over that, too.
I watch Stay-see but she does not seem to have much of an appetite.
She feeds her son, lingers near Jo-see and Shorshie, and then gets to her feet, stretching.
I watch her as she stands. She does not move like a sa-khui female does.
Her movements do not have a hunter’s grace.
Her hips are, well, they are more rounded, her teats fuller.
I watch them jiggle as she flexes one arm over her head, talking to Salukh’s mate.
I should not be staring at her teats. I should not.
Nor should my body be responding.
I force myself to look away. If I am to admire her body, I should remember it, should I not?
“Time to go again,” Vektal calls out, moving toward his sled. “Make ready!”
Stay-see shrugs on her carrier, adjusting the straps over her shoulders. She tugs her cloak on tighter and begins to walk, but her steps are slower than before. I hesitate, then abandon my sled, jogging to her side. “Ho,” I call. “Stay-see, wait.”
She stops and turns to me. The look on her face is wary. “What is it?”
“You look…tired. I wish to help.”
Her brows draw together. “Help?”
“I will carry your kit. Or let you sit on the sled as I pull it. Come.”
The expression on her face is not friendly. Her eyes narrow. “My kit? He is yours, too.”
I have made a mistake. “Of course.”
She presses her fingers to her mouth and gives a deep, tired sigh. “I…actually I don’t think I want to talk to you right now, Pashov. I’m sorry. Please leave me alone.”
“But you are tired—”
She puts a hand up, pushing me away. “Not that tired. I’m fine. And I’m going to carry my son.”
“Very well.” I watch her storm away, pulling her fur wraps tight around her body.
The low feeling in the pit of my belly is guilt, and I ignore it.
It will do me no good right now. I march back to my sled and pick up the leather straps, tugging it forward.
I will keep pace with Stay-see even if she does not want me around. It is the least I can do.