Chapter 20 #2
“I was trained for this. I’ve had a long time to get used to guns, violence, and always having to look over my shoulder. You’re doing great. It’s natural to need time to adjust. The first time I saw someone shot, I lost my goddamn mind. It took Virus a week to talk me off the ledge.”
“True that,” Virus called out from the dinette.
She felt a smile tug at the edges of her lips. The light moment made her feel better. She pushed her forearms against Aleksei’s chest. The hug had gone on too long. She didn’t want him to think she’d forgiven him.
“Not yet,” he whispered, his breath tickling her ear. “I need to apologize for the way I acted yesterday. I am so sorry.”
She wanted to push harder. She wanted to tell him to take his apology and shove it, but she also wanted to hear what he had to say. Her heart was still bleeding. She wanted to know if any part of their relationship had been genuine or whether it was all just an act.
“You were beautiful yesterday, standing there at the stove. That was my first thought. That you were so fucking beautiful. Every part of you. Inside and out. With or without hair. You were so incredibly brave and open that it scared me. I panicked. I’ll regret walking out of that cabin, the way I did, for the rest of my life. ”
More beautiful words. His lilting cadence was hypnotic.
An image of herself as a bird being drawn into the mouth of a Phrygian dragon with eyes the exact storm-gray as Aleksei’s flitted through her mind—but she would not be afraid of words.
She would decide what she believed. She would decide how to react.
They were going to be stuck together for a while.
It would be good to clear the air between them.
“What were you scared of?” she asked.
“My feelings for you. I was afraid of disappointing you. I was afraid of losing you. I’m still afraid.
For the past two years, I’ve been ruled by fear.
I thought I was controlling it, but it was controlling me.
I pushed everyone away because I was afraid of losing them, afraid of failing them, like I failed Phillipe.
You stood there gloriously bare, trusting me to accept you, silently asking me to join you in living life like there’s no tomorrow—and instead of grabbing the amazing gift you were offering, I ran.
I ran because I was afraid of what losing you would do to me.
If I never had you, I would never feel the pain of that loss.
” His voice cracked. “I was so stupid. I wish I could turn back time, walk into that cabin, and make love to you on the kitchen floor. I don’t want to live in fear anymore.
I want you. Can you forgive me? Will you give me another chance? ”
Fear. She knew all about fear. She'd been afraid most of her life. He was right. When fear sank its claws in, it did control you. It had controlled her for years, and like him, she hadn't recognized it. Death, or the specter of death, had a way of doing that. It wasn’t until her last bout with cancer that she’d realized how small her world had become, how much fear had stolen from her.
That was when she decided to fight back.
Her skin felt tight. She’d been angry at Aleksei for lying to her, but he had been doing his job.
Could she be so sure she wouldn’t have done the same thing if it were her best friend who’d been murdered?
And how could she judge him for his fear when hers had been just as potent?
Him walking out of that cabin had shredded her soul, but knowing his actions sprang from fear softened the ragged edges of the wound.
Since she’d met Aleksei, she’d felt more alive than she ever had.
When she’d finally beaten cancer, she’d rejected fear, promising herself to live life to the fullest. There was something about this man that sang to her soul.
Giving him another chance meant risking having her heart crushed again, but giving up on him would be climbing back into the safe, protected cocoon where she’d spent most of her life.
And she’d vowed she was never going back there again.
She curled her arms around him, pulling him closer. “No more lies. No more omissions. No more hesitation. If you’re not willing to give me one hundred percent, then let’s not do this again.”
His gentle hand trailed up her arm and over her shoulder, cradling her face. His calloused thumb stroked her cheek, wiping away some of her tears. She relaxed into him, letting herself savor the heat of his body. Being back in his arms felt like coming home.
His breath warmed her temple as he spoke. “I want to do this. I need to do this. No more lies. No more omissions. No more hesitation. If you want one hundred percent, I’ll give you one hundred fifty. I am so sorry. I don’t want to lose you. I know we can build something amazing together.”
She believed him. This thing between them was honest and true. He’d lied, but that was in the past. Things had been hard and were probably going to get harder, but the best things weren’t gained easily.
Aleksei was worth the time and effort.
“I think we can build something amazing together, too,” she whispered into his flannel shirt, its fuzz soft against her mouth.
His lips touched her forehead first, warm, firm, and comforting, and then brushed against her eyes with a gentleness that felt like reverence.
He kissed her nose in a playful peck and then grazed the edge of her lips in teasing promise.
The gentle hand that had caressed her face dropped to the side of her neck.
When he finally kissed her mouth, the energy between them crackled.
His tongue thrust her lips apart, and met her own tongue, darting and swirling.
His exploration bordered on the edge of plunder, igniting her senses.
She leaned closer, relishing the sensation of his muscled chest against her breasts.
He shifted his hips, and his hard length pressed against her stomach.
The hand that had remained on her back dropped to her ass, squeezing while his hips rolled against her. Fire shot to her core.
This was what living life to the fullest should feel like.
“Still here,” a rumbling voice invaded the haze that had overtaken her senses.
Shit! Virus was still at the table waiting for them, and she and Aleksei were acting like teenagers after prom.
Aleksei ended the kiss with one last soft touch of his lips to hers. He raised his right hand in the air, middle finger extended toward Virus. “You never give an inch, do you?”
“I gave you lovebirds ten full minutes. It was getting so hot in here, I was starting to sweat. Plus, we have work to do. I need Rosemary to look at this.”
Aleksei stepped away with an exaggerated sigh.